Inside PBS Blog

No matter if it is senior year or the beginning of pre-school, children can have a tough time readjusting to the academic year. To ease the transition, PBS Parents has provided a wealth of resources and has also graciously agreed to answer your questions about heading back to school.

“My 8 year old is starting at a new school this year after a move across town this summer. How can I encourage her to make new friends while she longs for the familiarity of the old ones?” Sharon

Hi Sharon. Starting a new school can produce a lot of anxiety in kids (and parents, too). Making new friends is a large part of that anxiety.

First, from your daughter’s point of view, leaving old friends behind is in fact a loss. It will take a while before she adjusts to not seeing her usual buddies on a regular basis. With that in mind, it’s important for you to acknowledge her sadness (“I understand how tough it must be for you.”). You can also work with your daughter on setting up times or a regular schedule to see her old friends. This might help her understand that even though they don’t live as close as they did before, they can still be friends. After all friendships do change; that’s a lesson that will serve her well for years to come.

Moving forward, there’s a lot that you can do to encourage your daughter to make new friends. First, suggest that she make casual contact or join other kids who’re playing. You might also consider asking your child (or her teacher) if there are certain kids who have shown a special interest in her. These would be potential playdate buddies. Are there any clubs, group activities or sports teams at school in which your child might be interested? Being involved in a group activity is a great way to meet people.

Lastly, remember to let your daughter know that you are always available to talk to about her friends and her feelings. Together, you two can problem solve or come up with ways to navigate old – and new – friendships well into the school year. Good luck!

“My soon-to-be first-grader is a happy, friendly, free spirit BUT ... she is not an early riser. No amount of napping or early bedtime seems to change the situation. How do I deal with the daily "NO!! I'm not going!!"? Once she's up and moving, she's great, but oh what a journey to get there. Any suggestions? (For the record, her school does start early. She's got to be at the bus stop at 7:35.)” Jill

Oh, Jill, I have felt your pain! Let’s face it: Some kids (and adults) just aren’t early risers. That being said, there are some things to consider. First, is she preparing for the morning before she goes to bed? Are her clothes out, is her backpack packed, does she already know what she will eat for breakfast? Just having those issues resolved before bed can help the morning go much smoother.

Also, what’s she doing before going to bed? If she’s playing video games, on the computer or watching tv, she’s setting herself up for a more restless sleep. Try to get her into a bedtime routine that helps her wind down for the night, for example a warm bath followed by a bedtime story just before going to sleep. This can help her to relax, which in turn promotes more satisfying sleep, and that will help reduce grumpy mornings.

About 30 minutes before her alarm goes off in the morning (yes, she should have one), start opening the blinds and/or turning the lights on. Talk to her softly, letting her know that it’s almost time to wake up. Go back in again and offer her something to drink or talk about what’s for breakfast. Hopefully, all of this movement and conversation will help her to stir and be better prepared to wake when her alarm goes off. Good luck!

“I have a first-time kindergartener and I've gotten him into a fantastic public school and he's doing great so far (as of day 2)... *I'm* the one who's anxious. Any hints for avoiding passing my own anxiety on to him?” Michelle

Michelle,

It is perfectly normal for a parent to feel anxious when she sends her child off to school for the first time. But it is important for you to not let your child sense your anxiety. Children are amazingly sensitive to moods and feelings of people they love. If you are anxious, your child will pick up on it and be anxious, too. Often parents who had a bad experience when they started school will be particularly anxious about their kids going to school because they fear their kids might have the same bad experience. Parents should try to separate their school experiences from those of their children. I don’t know if this is the case with you, but if it is let your child start fresh. Your child might have a very different experience than you did.

Here are a few strategies to help you feel comfortable about letting your child go off to school:

• You have taken the first step in the right direction by acknowledging your own anxiety. Take the time to talk to a friend, your partner, or even a guidance counselor, if need be. Just voicing your anxiety will help you overcome it.
• Familiarize yourself with what your son is doing in school so you will feel more a part of his day. Visit his classroom. See what is on the walls and what books are in the reading corner. Noticing the details may help you connect with your child later and talk about them together.
• Encourage your son to tell you about his day. But asking him general questions such as “How was school today?” might not elicit much of a response. Try asking some specific questions such as “What was the best thing your teacher said today?” or “What did you do on the playground today?”
• Get to know your child’s teacher. Developing a trusting relationship with his teacher will help you feel better about your child spending so much time away from you for the first time.

You’ll find many more strategies in the PBS Parents guide to Going to School.

“How much should you get involved when it comes to friendships and making friends in school? And what can you do to help your child feel more at ease in those sorts of situations? Thanks!” Suzanne

Suzanne,

Unless your child truly needs your help or asks for your help, it is best for parents to stay out of the way when it comes to their children’s friendships. Michael Thompson, the co-author of “Best Friend, Worst Enemies: Understanding the Social Lives of Children,” says one of the biggest complaints he gets from kids is about parents who are meddling in their friendships. “You can support your child through the tough times by lending a sympathetic ear, without necessarily jumping into action,” he says. You’ll serve your child better if you try to be a listener rather than a fixer.

Not being overly involved will help your child be more relaxed when it comes to friendships. Also, having reasonable expectations about your child’s social skills will take the pressure off him or her. Children develop the ability to better handle social situations over time, just like any other skill.

Get to know your child’s friends and their parents. This way you can be involved in your child’s social life without being overly involved. Value friendships over popularity. You cannot make your child become a popular kid, but you can make sure your child has friends by inviting them over.

If you sense that your child is dealing with a particular social problem, help him solve that problem himself by asking instead of telling your child what to do. If your child complains about an incident at school or a problem with a friend, ask ‘What did you do (or try)?' 'How did that work?' 'What else can you try?'"

I hope this advice has helped. You can find lots more information in our Going to School guide. On PBS Parents you’ll also find information about children’s friendships that is specific to girls and to boys.

I'm wondering about the issue of cellphones. Since my daughter was 5 she's been asking for one. We've decided that it will make sense for her to have one once she starts going on excursions with her friends without parent supervision... I think that 12 years old is about old enough... what's the verdict?” Andrea

Hi Andrea. Technically, I believe that a 12-year-old is old enough to have a cell phone, but there are many issues to consider. For example, does your child really need a cell phone? And, more importantly, is she responsible enough to have one?

Clearly, cell phones can come in handy if your daughter is away from home often and has an urgent need to reach you (or you, her). It’s also a great way for you two to stay in touch when your schedules change.
However, many parents have gone into cell phone bill shock after discovering that their child is using it much more than anticipated. This is even harder to digest when most of the calls are to friends throughout the day – and night. There are also the issues of texting, sexting and keeping a handle on exactly who your daughter is communicating with.

Should you decide to move forward with a cell phone purchase, I would suggest you have a serious talk with your daughter about guidelines for her cell phone usage. Also, make sure to purchase the right kind of plan to avoid costly bills.

For more info on cell phone usage for kids, check out this article from Common Sense Media: Good luck!