Archived from Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Best-selling author Michael Thompson, Ph.D. and advisor to PBS Parents' Guide to Raising Boys answers your questions about helping young boys grow up with confidence and emotional strength. Join the live chat to discuss the challenges boys face and the resources available for parents and educators.
Archived Chat
Hello and welcome to the Engage Live Chat series. We are honored to have Dr. Michael Thompson, expert advisor to the PBS Parents' Guide to Raising Boys. Thank you for joining us today Michael. Also thank you to the viewers for joining us. If you are having problems seeing the questions or answers, please click "refresh" on your browser to update the conversation.
Gail Bruton:
How do I get my child to pay attention?
Dr. Michael Thompson:
Children in general and boys in particular aren’t interested in things that grown-ups think are important, like homework and chores. They only do that kind of stuff because they love us and because we get upset when they don’t do it. But even though they want to please us, they find the things that we care about pretty boring.
What boys find interesting are play, fantasy play, contests with their friends, the natural world, sports, etc. It is only with time and maturity that they develop longer and longer attention spans for adult things. With younger boys, you have do the chores with them; you have to sit beside them when they do their homework. Turn off the TV. at a specific time, invite a boy to sit with you, tell him how long the work period is going to last and slowly draw him into the task.
The best reward you can give is your pleasure and pride in his doing a good job. Constant use of discipline just makes him hate the task; he'll do it, but it makes him dread it. So use some small rewards like "As soon as you finsih this you can watch...or we can make x and y in the kitchen."
There are a few boys who are extremely conscientious (and anxious) about homework and take to it readily. They are rare. Frankly, I don’t think we should assign homework to first and second graders. It just makes their parents anxious and causes fights at home. I do, however, hope all parents read with their sons. Read for pleasure every day.
And remember, most adult men have pretty good attention spans for things they care about (or get paid to do)
What boys find interesting are play, fantasy play, contests with their friends, the natural world, sports, etc. It is only with time and maturity that they develop longer and longer attention spans for adult things. With younger boys, you have do the chores with them; you have to sit beside them when they do their homework. Turn off the TV. at a specific time, invite a boy to sit with you, tell him how long the work period is going to last and slowly draw him into the task.
The best reward you can give is your pleasure and pride in his doing a good job. Constant use of discipline just makes him hate the task; he'll do it, but it makes him dread it. So use some small rewards like "As soon as you finsih this you can watch...or we can make x and y in the kitchen."
There are a few boys who are extremely conscientious (and anxious) about homework and take to it readily. They are rare. Frankly, I don’t think we should assign homework to first and second graders. It just makes their parents anxious and causes fights at home. I do, however, hope all parents read with their sons. Read for pleasure every day.
And remember, most adult men have pretty good attention spans for things they care about (or get paid to do)
Julie Coffman, Missouri City, TX:
How do you explain the privacy implications of living a 'connected' and 'online' life to a teenager?
Dr. Michael Thompson:
This is a tough one, because teenagers experience the internet as a private world, a private kid world that belongs to them. Many of them do not yet have the cognitive ability or the perspective to realize that everything on the internet is public. Don Tapscott, the author of Grown Up Digital, who is very enthusiastic about the net, says this is the biggest problem.
You have to start early to explain that anything you write on the internet can be found and read by anybody.
When your child gets a social networking site, you should ask for permission to visit it. But with most teenagers, the most effective strategy for initiating a discussion like this is to ask questions: How many people can see your website? Can they see everything? Can you hide things from people you don't like? Could they get to them? Could a stranger hack into your site? If you put up an "embarrassing" picture, could someone see it ten years later?
Long-range thinking is not an adolescent strength. Both boys and girls live in the moment in adolescence, but you can help make them think. If, however, you start with a lecture, their ears shut down and their minds shut off. Better to ask questions about what the child knows. Studies show that adolescent boys are happiest (and most receptive) when they can teach an adult, especially a parent, what they know.
You have to start early to explain that anything you write on the internet can be found and read by anybody.
When your child gets a social networking site, you should ask for permission to visit it. But with most teenagers, the most effective strategy for initiating a discussion like this is to ask questions: How many people can see your website? Can they see everything? Can you hide things from people you don't like? Could they get to them? Could a stranger hack into your site? If you put up an "embarrassing" picture, could someone see it ten years later?
Long-range thinking is not an adolescent strength. Both boys and girls live in the moment in adolescence, but you can help make them think. If, however, you start with a lecture, their ears shut down and their minds shut off. Better to ask questions about what the child knows. Studies show that adolescent boys are happiest (and most receptive) when they can teach an adult, especially a parent, what they know.
Anna , Rockland, MA:
How do I teach boundaries and discipline to an 18 month old boy, or is it too soon?
Dr. Michael Thompson:
It is too soon. Your son has just gotten the hang of walking and running. He's off to see the world and he's not interested in being stopped. Eighteen-month-old boys are, above all things, impulsive! That's why they need their mother or father or caretaker nearby. Human aggression, and by that I mean intentional, remorseless, out-of-control, hit-everything-and-everything without a second thought behavior peaks at 24 months. Boys become slowly civilized after that, though more slowly than girls. Your son is still on the barbarian side of things. Enjoy him, but stay close. You can talk to him about boundaries---Don't do that....NO!...NO!...that's dangerous---- just don't count on his remembering the concept for five seconds.
Rejena, Millville, PA:
How can I help my 11 yr old boy not take his appearance so seriously?
Dr. Michael Thompson:
As boys approach adolescence they do become more and more concerned with their appearance. Or should I say, some of them become obsessed, others become concerned, still othes don't see to care much at all about how they look. (Some moms would like their sons to be more concerned than they are, particularly with showering, clean clothes, etc.). Why do they become concerned about appearance? As they get attracted to the opposite sex, and as they think about themselves operating in the world outside of their family, they wonder if they are going to be attractive to others. They see themselves through the eyes of other people. And they measure themselves by objective societal standards of beauty.
Psychologists believe that thirteen and fourteen may be the most self-conscious years in the entire human life cycle. When a boy looks different in some way that he cannot do anything about, for example a birth mark, being extremely thin, being gawky, having red hair, etc. he may suffer a lot. It is a huge help if we knows an adult who has the same problem, and outgrew it. If, for example, you have a birthmark, your mother who already loves you (and is going to lie to you to make you feel better) cannot reassure you, but an adult with the same kind of birthmark can say, "Don't worry. Middle-school kids can be mean, but when you grow up, or when I grew up, I found girls liked me for who I was, or because I was good at science, or because I was a good listener or writer. They didn't care about the birth mark."
Psychologists believe that thirteen and fourteen may be the most self-conscious years in the entire human life cycle. When a boy looks different in some way that he cannot do anything about, for example a birth mark, being extremely thin, being gawky, having red hair, etc. he may suffer a lot. It is a huge help if we knows an adult who has the same problem, and outgrew it. If, for example, you have a birthmark, your mother who already loves you (and is going to lie to you to make you feel better) cannot reassure you, but an adult with the same kind of birthmark can say, "Don't worry. Middle-school kids can be mean, but when you grow up, or when I grew up, I found girls liked me for who I was, or because I was good at science, or because I was a good listener or writer. They didn't care about the birth mark."
Mary, South Salem, NY:
How do you coach a 5yr old boy who is randomly hit by another little boy?
Dr. Michael Thompson:
Your question makes me want to ask you a number of questions:
How upset does your son get when he's hit by the other boy?
Who's more upset, you or him?
Has he ever tried to hit the other boy back?
Does he always expect adults to manage the problem?
Does the other boy's mother pay attention to this? Can you talk with her about it or is she too touchy?
Boys usually have a higher tolerance for touching, wrestling and hitting than their moms do. If you son wants to continue playing with this boy---and that's a question you should ask him---you have to say to him: "Are you worried about Johnny hitting you?" "Why do you think he hits you?" "Do you think he can control himself?"
Your son is going to have to learn to tell the other boy, "If you hit me, I won't play with you." Or else, (and this is what fathers always want to say) he'll have to hit the other boy back. That usually stops it.
If your son cannot stop it, you'll have to start avoiding playdates or neighborhood play with this child. That's why I'd like for you to be able to tell the other boys mother, "This hitting is scaring my son. He says he doesn't want to play with your son anymore." But sometimes boys understand that another boy will stop hitting in time. Boys sometimes have more faith in boy development of self control than their moms do.
How upset does your son get when he's hit by the other boy?
Who's more upset, you or him?
Has he ever tried to hit the other boy back?
Does he always expect adults to manage the problem?
Does the other boy's mother pay attention to this? Can you talk with her about it or is she too touchy?
Boys usually have a higher tolerance for touching, wrestling and hitting than their moms do. If you son wants to continue playing with this boy---and that's a question you should ask him---you have to say to him: "Are you worried about Johnny hitting you?" "Why do you think he hits you?" "Do you think he can control himself?"
Your son is going to have to learn to tell the other boy, "If you hit me, I won't play with you." Or else, (and this is what fathers always want to say) he'll have to hit the other boy back. That usually stops it.
If your son cannot stop it, you'll have to start avoiding playdates or neighborhood play with this child. That's why I'd like for you to be able to tell the other boys mother, "This hitting is scaring my son. He says he doesn't want to play with your son anymore." But sometimes boys understand that another boy will stop hitting in time. Boys sometimes have more faith in boy development of self control than their moms do.
Erin, Boston, MA:
What is your expert opinion on boys being diagnosed and/or labeled as ADHD at 5 and 6 years of age?
Dr. Michael Thompson:
I do believe that some boys are born with brain differences that make them extraordinarily hyperactive, distractible and impulsive. We call that ADD or ADHD. And if a boy is so hyperactive (and easily frustrated and explosive) that he can hardly stand anything about school routines, early diagnosis and treatment may be a help to him. I recommend books by Edward Hallowell and John Ratey: Driven to Distraction, Delivered from Distraction.
However, I now think we're getting many too many teachers diagnosing little boys with ADHD when the problem is that they don't have enough recess time, are being asked to do too much pencil-and-paper work in Kindergarten. Kindergarten is the new first grade. We're demanding so much more academically of young boys it overwhelms and angers them. This is the school's problem and teacher's problem.
If, every year one teacher A thinks she has four ADHD boys and teacher B down the halll doesn't, that means teacher A is running a classroom that doesn't take normal boy developmentinto account. Teacher B loves boys, understands them and doesn't constantly overwhelm them developmentally.
ADHD is real, but so is the problem of excessive demands on little boys that make them look ADHD.
However, I now think we're getting many too many teachers diagnosing little boys with ADHD when the problem is that they don't have enough recess time, are being asked to do too much pencil-and-paper work in Kindergarten. Kindergarten is the new first grade. We're demanding so much more academically of young boys it overwhelms and angers them. This is the school's problem and teacher's problem.
If, every year one teacher A thinks she has four ADHD boys and teacher B down the halll doesn't, that means teacher A is running a classroom that doesn't take normal boy developmentinto account. Teacher B loves boys, understands them and doesn't constantly overwhelm them developmentally.
ADHD is real, but so is the problem of excessive demands on little boys that make them look ADHD.
Kate Irving, Fort Rucker, AL:
How can I help my son and husband bond, post-deployment?
Dr. Michael Thompson:
Without knowing how old your son is and how long his father was away from the family, it is hard for me to say. But I'll give you my all-purpose answer: take a three-day vacation from the house and leave the father and son together.
No mother ever helped her husband and son "bond" by standing there encouraging them to bond. You actually have to give them the time and space to work it out.
When my son, Will, was younger than six months, my wife left for a week (he was adopted and was not breast-feeding) to attend a conference. That was the most important bonding time I had with Will. It always helps Will and me when we travel together away from home. We're going on some college visits next week. I know we'll feel much closer after our "road trip" together. The principle works at every age: father-and-son time without mom supervising....or even in the next room.
No mother ever helped her husband and son "bond" by standing there encouraging them to bond. You actually have to give them the time and space to work it out.
When my son, Will, was younger than six months, my wife left for a week (he was adopted and was not breast-feeding) to attend a conference. That was the most important bonding time I had with Will. It always helps Will and me when we travel together away from home. We're going on some college visits next week. I know we'll feel much closer after our "road trip" together. The principle works at every age: father-and-son time without mom supervising....or even in the next room.
Moderator: For more information about military families, visit the PBS Parents website.
Gregory Mann, South Hill, VA:
I'm in Virginia, my son in Michigan. We have nightly calls, but it feels likes like I'm an uncle. How can I be more Dad? *
Dr. Michael Thompson:
When you are in a divorce or separation situation, it is hard to know what is normal and what is not. It is not normal for fourteen-year-old boys to talk for a long time on the phone with their parents, even when their parents are happily married. It just isn't an age when talking with grown-ups is all that cool.
What is so hard for you is that it is your only contact with your son, and when it doesn't go well, that hurts and makes you feel like an uncle.
Let me suggest three or four ways you can make the calls better. From time to time you should say, "These calls are kind of weird, aren't they? Even though we're both trying, they're not like being together." Accept his observations and his answers, whatever they are. Say, "I wish we had more time together."
Find---and remember---things that he really likes: a sports team, a television show that you both watch, something in the news. You need some "ritual" topics that you can always return to.
Finally, I trust you always say, "I love you, son. I wish we weren't so far apart" at the end of every call. He needs to hear that over and over and over. Even if the call does go that well, he needs to hear that message.
What is so hard for you is that it is your only contact with your son, and when it doesn't go well, that hurts and makes you feel like an uncle.
Let me suggest three or four ways you can make the calls better. From time to time you should say, "These calls are kind of weird, aren't they? Even though we're both trying, they're not like being together." Accept his observations and his answers, whatever they are. Say, "I wish we had more time together."
Find---and remember---things that he really likes: a sports team, a television show that you both watch, something in the news. You need some "ritual" topics that you can always return to.
Finally, I trust you always say, "I love you, son. I wish we weren't so far apart" at the end of every call. He needs to hear that over and over and over. Even if the call does go that well, he needs to hear that message.
Karen , Idaho Falls, ID:
Your advice on an intelligent 15-year-old failing in school because he isn't motivated to work or succeed.
Dr. Michael Thompson:
In the old days, this is the kind of boy who would have been sent off to military school to "shape him up." Many fifteen-year-old boys are bored by school and hate homework. It sounds---or I am imagining---as if the problem here is that your son has unlimited access to computers and video games. And, that his belligerence is scary to you. He's managing to run you off of your job as parents.
If he continues to fail in school, you are going to have to take away or limit his video games. He can earn them back with better grades---not A's necessarily, but improvement in his grades. He also needs a summer job as soon as possible. He needs to experience the discipline of work, the satisfactions of a pay check and the threat of an angry boss. School has no meaning for him; the reward structure of school is not rewarding for him (grades, etc.). He needs to see that there is a life out there, beyond the screens and beyond his parents angst about him.
What one hopes for in high school is a teacher who has a galvanizing effect on a boy. That hasn't happened for your son, and he may believe that ADHD is the sole reason for his poor performance.'
At fifteen, he is probably looking forward to a car. You should make it clear now that he is not going to get his license or the use of a car until his grades improve.
If he continues to fail in school, you are going to have to take away or limit his video games. He can earn them back with better grades---not A's necessarily, but improvement in his grades. He also needs a summer job as soon as possible. He needs to experience the discipline of work, the satisfactions of a pay check and the threat of an angry boss. School has no meaning for him; the reward structure of school is not rewarding for him (grades, etc.). He needs to see that there is a life out there, beyond the screens and beyond his parents angst about him.
What one hopes for in high school is a teacher who has a galvanizing effect on a boy. That hasn't happened for your son, and he may believe that ADHD is the sole reason for his poor performance.'
At fifteen, he is probably looking forward to a car. You should make it clear now that he is not going to get his license or the use of a car until his grades improve.
Lily, White Plains, NY:
How can I successfully engage my husband to believe in raising our son to be emotionally intelligent & connected to us?
Dr. Michael Thompson:
I think you should ask your husband, in all seriousness and with no pre-judgment, some questions. Don't ask them all at once, but get to the heart of your husband's theories about raising boys. What he thinks makes a boy into a man? Does a boy have to be treated in a "tough" way to grow up to be a man? Is that what your husband's father did to him? Is he satisfied with the way his father raised him? Is he as close to his father as he wants to be?
Then tell him that you are interested in raising a compassionate, thoughtful man who will be a great father. Don't say your are trying to raise a "sensitive" son or a compassionate man. That makes some men feel weird. Say that you want to raise your son to be the best father he can and ask you husband for his help with that.
(And give him a copy of Raising Cain!)
Then tell him that you are interested in raising a compassionate, thoughtful man who will be a great father. Don't say your are trying to raise a "sensitive" son or a compassionate man. That makes some men feel weird. Say that you want to raise your son to be the best father he can and ask you husband for his help with that.
(And give him a copy of Raising Cain!)
Dan Sonnett:
What effect — positive and negative — do television, movies, video games, etc. have the emotional development of boys? How can the potentially negative effect be minimized?
Dr. Michael Thompson:
The worst negative effects of television are: obesity, lack of free, undirected play time and exposure to endless numbers of commercials. The best antidote for television is to turn it off, limit it to no more than two hours a day AND send your child outside to play in the neighborhood if your neighborhood is safe.
When they get older, watch television with them. Discuss it.
When they get older, watch television with them. Discuss it.
Thank you Michael for your thoughtful and informative answers. Thank you to the audience for joining us today. For more information about raising boys, please visit the PBS Parents Expert Q&A with Michael Thompson. You can also continue the conversation in the comments section of the archived chat. Just click refresh.
Starred (*) questions have been edited by PBS editors for brevity and/or clarity. The original, unedited question can be found to the right under Audience Questions.
appearance
Thank you, Michael. I appreciate your time and your answering our question regarding our son's appearance issue.
I'll return to the port wine stain website and look for a mentor for him...It's been a long time (baby-hood) since I've visited. Thanks for reminding me!
In friendship,
Rejena
ADHD in young boys
Thanks so much for answering this question (and the other great questions!). My feeling is there are too many teacher As and not enough teacher Bs in our elementary schools.
Thank you for taking the time
Thank you for taking the time to answer my question. It was thoughtful and informative and we are already thinking about how we are going to change our behavior to be a better parent to our son!
Sincerely,
Gail
Though I was unable to join
Though I was unable to join the chat, I just found this page today (June 16, 09); the questions and more importantly, the answers have given me some insight into how I can help parrent my son.
He is 17 months and a ball of undiluted, pure energy and is very strong willed. Hopefully these little hints will help pur relationship.
Dr. Thompson, you are applauded!
You are applauded for recognizing that there are so many children out there that are being diagnosed unnecessarily, and being drugged just for being boys, or children. We have helped many families fight the system. Our schools are filled with children on psychiatric drugs.
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