Katherine Kirk San Leandro, CA I have just graduated with a masters in counseling psychoogy. I am especially proud because I accomplished this task in spite of having a severely debilitating chronic illness. I have lived with Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome (CFIDs) for the past five years. Coping with poor health is something I learned early in life. Learning to empower myself came later. As a child, I caught colds and flus more easily than others. As a result, I missed quite a bit of school and spent many days at home on the couch with a blanket. Through these times of illness, I developed an imaginative and creative inner life as a way of coping. I also learned to be with myself, and to make the best of a discouraging situation. My illnesses were mysterious in origin and cure. Although I was hospitalized for testing twice in my childhood, the doctors were unable to find a cause for my baffling symptoms. Some symptoms simply lingered throughout my life. For instance, I have always had a sore throat, low energy, and susceptibility toward viruses. I lived with poor health for a number of years expecting myself to grow out of it one day. Unfortunately, my health took a turn for the worse in the summer of 1996. One sunny afternoon I had been on a wonderful hike on Bill Williams Mountain in Northern Arizona, and I woke up the next morning with the "flu". I was feverish, exhausted, and achy; and I expected to feel better in a couple of days. I was discouraged when those symptoms did not go away. I was soon devastated to find myself with a full-blown case of CFIDs. I had coped with illnesses before, but nothing like this. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome shows no mercy, profoundly affecting multiple systems in the body and mind. Nothing remains untouched: cognitive, neurological systems, the immune system, the digestive system, and the endocrine system are all in chaos. My life was suddenly and severely limited. I missed so much work that year that everyone was concerned. I could not maintain a social life beyond the telephone because I was too ill to get together with friends. I spent my free time trying to regain my health. Although my doctor could not find a cause for my symptoms and did not know how to treat me, I was determined to find ways to better my condition. I took my health into my own hands for a time. The first thing I tried was to get my body in shape by exercising more regularly. This was disappointing, as each time I exercised aerobically, I found my symptoms worsened. One of the key signatures of chronic fatigue syndrome is exercise intolerance. I tried other avenues, such as eating well, stress management, and even an intensive course of homeopathy, but nothing I tried was giving me much improvement. I did eventually a knowledgeable doctor who helped to confirm the diagnosis and to work to manage some of my symptoms. However, even these treatments merely took the edge off some of the symptoms. There have been times when I have felt close to giving up hope. For the past five years I have been living with severe joint and muscle pain, headaches, memory and concentration problems. There is a limited amount of time each day when my symptoms can be kept in check long enough for me to function. Things that used to be easy are now difficult. For instance, going to a grocery store is a major challenge: my legs throb with pain, dizziness overcomes me, and I come home exhausted. Talking on the phone is exhausting, often requiring bed rest afterward. I spend most of my day in bed resting so I will be able to go to school or perform a small task. Sometimes I feel lonely and saddened by my condition and limitations. Thankfully, although these have been trying times, I have remained in touch with the courage of my spirit and my pull toward growth. The most empowering lesson I have learned has been learning to accept, rather than to deny my condition. Denial is part of the process of coping profound loss, and is common when first faced with an illness or disability. With CFIDs, it is especially easy to go into denial. It may not seem likely, given the devastating suffering and limitations caused by the symptoms, but denial can be quite strong. First of all, CFIDs is an invisible illness: I appear as healthy as the next person. People don't see me when I am at home suffering, so they assume everything is fine. Another pull for denial is that much of the medical community does not recognize CFIDs as a legitimate illness. There is a history of political struggle on behalf of patients and knowledgeable doctors to educate the medical community and the general public about the realities of CFIDs. My own denial came in the form of planning for my future as an able-bodied person. In the first two years, I thought I'd be better any day now, and did not plan CFIDs into my life. I did not seek resources which could be of practical use in the here and now. Sure, I tried vitamins, herbs, and alternative therapies like they were going out of style. Yet, on a deep level I was not following my inner guidance. I became angry when people gave me unhelpful and uninformed advice because I was not empowered within myself. Of course, denial and resistance are rarely effective strategies for any length of time. Eventually I came out of denial. When I came into acceptance of my limitations, I noticed a shift within myself. I began to take care of myself around my illness. My focus became implementing strategies to make my life easier. I no longer preoccupied myself what others thought. I no longer focused on the treatments which may or may not make a difference. My first triumph was obtaining a disabled placard for my car. Parking had been difficult for me, and I was determined to make it easier. To my delight, my doctor was more than willing to help, and I soon passed my application through the Department of Motor Vehicles. Applying for Social Security Disability benefits and winning them is my greatest success. Like many PWCs (persons with CFIDs), I was denied the first time I applied; but I eventually won my case after a long process involving asking for legal help and additional diagnostic testing. Other choices I have made have been to join a support group and to hire a house cleaner. I feel empowered by taking practical steps based on my act Learning to be a psychotherapist with a severe illness has taught me where my strength lies. I have a strong will, which has seen me through graduate school despite having CFIDs. Having overcome challenges and limitations places me in a position to help others work through their own. Each time I face a challenge, I think of how I can empower myself to get through it; and then I think of how I can use what I've learned to help others. YOUR STORIES Zoe Albright, Stroke Betty Bennett, Kidney Disease Roxanne Bedford-Curbow, Seizures Valerie Brekke, Fibromyalgia Lily Casura, Chronic Fatigue Billie Davis, Peripheral Neuropathy Penny Day, Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease Julia DeJesus, Seizure Disorder MS Patient, Fairfax, VA Charisse Farmer, Hydrocephalus Katherine Fielder, Chronic Pain Zoe Francis, Juvenile Diabetes James Hines, Hemochromatosis William Holford, Emphysema Nancy K, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Katherine Kirk, Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome Patricia Lawson, Natural Rubber Latex Allergy James Locke, Crohn's Disease Gary Maslow, various Kathy Matthews, Parkinson's Andrea Meyer, MS Gina Owens, Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome Alicia Salas, Chronic Pain Allison Scott, Chronic Pain Deborah Serrano, Stroke Becky Shively, Phenylketonuria Jennifer Smallin, Type I Diabetes Joanna Southerland, Diabetes Alina Valdes, Cystic Fibrosis Elizabeth Wertz, Seizures WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Jose Pedro Greer, Physician W.F. Nagle, Physician Ronda Riebman, Exercise Cathleen Schilling, Case Manager Jim Sykes Home | Awareness | Patient Files | The Challenge | Your Stories | Outreach | Resources About the Program | About Fred Friendly Seminars | Our Partners | Site Map | Credits © 2001 Fred Friendly Seminars, Inc.