Abusive Relationships: Get
Help, Get Out!
A video from the Emmy award winning PBS teen series
Gr
7- college
ÒMany teens think an abusive relationship is usually a guy hitting a girl and
just beating her,Ó observes one of the many perceptive teens in this powerful
program about abuse in adolescent relationships. What this young woman already
knows, and viewers will soon discover, is that abuse comes in many different
forms, and it can be hard to recognize at first. Teenagers of diverse
backgrounds, including Native Americans, speak frankly about their experiences
with dating violence. What makes this program particularly unique are the
stories from a male victim as well as siblings and friends. The program is
organized into sections that first raise awareness about how to identify abuse
and then answers important questions.: What happens next? Why not leave? When
did you realize? How do you get out? Who can help? Where do you go from here?
What would you tell others? This program also raises awareness about the
various resources available – teachers, counselors, friends,
parents— and encourages bystanders to speak out.
ÒA
winner for health classes and counseling sessions.Ó School Library Journal
DID
YOU KNOW?
á
1 in 3 teenagers report knowing a friend or peer who has been
hit, punched, kicked, slapped, choked or physically hurt by their partner?
á
Nearly 1 in 5 teenage girls who have been in a relationship
said a boyfriend had threatened violence or self-harm if presented with a
break-up13% of teenage girls who said they have been in a relationship report
being physically hurt or hit?
á
1 in 4 teenage girls who have been in relationships reveal
they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse?
á
More than 1 in 4 teenage girls in a relationship (26%) report
enduring repeated verbal abuse?
á
Nearly 80% of girls who have been physically abused in their
intimate relationships continue to date their abuser?
á
Boys can be abused too? Some research shows that males are
hit by girlfriends as often as females are hit by boyfriends, although males
are much less likely to sustain physical injury than girls and less likely to
report abuse. This issue is
controversial, but the fact is that it is NEVER okay for anyone to hit anyone
else.
Following
are questions and answers for educators to use as discussion-starters with
teens after viewing the video.
1)
HOW DOES IT START?
An
abusive relationship is based on one person trying to have power and control over the other. The video starts out by making the
point that while many people think of abuse as being mainly physical, often it
is emotional and psychological.
What are examples the teens give of abusers using psychological and
emotional tactics to gain power and control over their boyfriends/girlfriends?
¤
Rae
says her boyfriend was controlling about what she wore. He would not speak to
her if she was wearing something he didnÕt approve of. He would have his
brother watch her to see where she went.
¤
Maria
said her boyfriend wouldnÕt let her cut her hair. He would put her down and
call her names so she felt no one else would want her but him. She began to
believe that she didnÕt deserve to be treated well.
¤
Jamie,
MattÕs sister, described how MattÕs girlfriend would insist he buy her
expensive jewelry and said she was extremely jealous whenever Matt was around
other girls.
¤
Joanna,
SamÕs friend, described how her boyfriend wouldnÕt leave her alone, would call
her constantly, alienate her from her friends and keep her from her school
work.
(SamÕs doing poorly in school might increase her
boyfriendÕs ability to control her because it could decrease her sense of
self-esteem and her independence.)
Further
Discussion:
What
are some ways youÕve seen people try to gain control over other people?
Is
emotional abuse just as damaging as physical abuse? Can it be worse?
2)
WHAT HAPPENS NEXT?
How did
the teens describe the beginnings of their relationships? Did they seem abusive
at first, or did the controlling behavior escalate over time?
¤
Maria
says her boyfriend was nice at first. She felt he understood her and she really
trusted him a lot.
¤
Jamie
says at first her brother MattÕs girlfriend was nice. Eventually Jamie started
noticing her controlling behavior, but it took Matt longer to notice it because
he loved her.
¤
Joanna
describes her friend SamÕs relationship by saying at first she thought Sam had
met this great guy, but it wasnÕt until the last three months of the
relationship that the abusive behavior became apparent.
ISOLATION
is a very common tactic that abusers use to separate their partners from their
friends, family and other support systems. This makes their partners more
likely to be dependent on them, more likely to believe what they say, and less
likely to try to end the relationship. What are some examples the teens in this
video give of their partners trying to isolate them from friends and family?
¤
MariaÕs
boyfriend would call her cousins and friends names and say he didnÕt want her
to be around Òpeople like that.Ó
¤
Matt
said his girlfriend didnÕt like his friends, and MattÕs sister said his friends
did not like his girlfriend because they saw that she didnÕt treat him well.
Eventually MattÕs friends Òdropped out of the picture, so it was pretty much
just her and me.Ó
¤
Matt
described how his girlfriend created a lot of tension between him and his
mother. She would say things like ÒYou and your mom fight a lotÓ and ask ÒDo
you really love her? Do you really like being at home?Ó She did this as a way of getting Matt
to spend more time with her. This
made Matt question his relationship with his mother. He said it made him hate
being at home and at times even made him hate his mother.
¤
Katie
says that she lost all her friends.
¤
Joanna
says SamÕs boyfriend alienated her from her friends.
¤
SandyÕs
boyfriend told her that her sister was trying to ruin their relationship.
Further
Discussion:
How
does isolation increase the abuserÕs ability to control the person?
3.
WHY NOT LEAVE?
Why
didnÕt the teens in this video just end their relationships, even when they
realized they were being mistreated?
¤
In
some cases the abusers had already manipulated them into thinking negatively
about their friends and family members (part of the isolation tactic). When the friend and
family tried to warn them and help them get out of the relationship, it just
reinforced the negative things the abusers were saying about their victimsÕ
friends and families. When Sam realized she was in trouble, she didnÕt want to
go to her parents because her parents didnÕt want her dating her boyfriend in
the first place.
¤
Katie
said she wasnÕt being physically hurt at first, so she didnÕt think it was
abuse.
¤
MariaÕs
abuse had a strong effect on her self-esteem and her emotional state. She said
the abuse made her feel like Òa little ant, that I was nothingÓ and she thought
she deserved to be treated that way. She wound up very depressed and
suicidal.
¤
Maria
also said that after the abuse her boyfriend would Òsweet talkÓ her, and that
it was part of a cycle. (One stage of the ÒCycle of AbuseÓ is called the
ÒHoneymoon Phase.Ó This is a common tactic abusers use to Òmake upÓ after they
are abusive in order to keep their victim from breaking up with them.)
¤
Sandy
said that at first it was only when he was drunk. He would say he was sorry,
but then the psychological abuse would continue.
¤
Matt
tried to break up with his girlfriend but she became very upset and went to his
classroom and pulled him out of class.
His sister Joanna said he went back out with her because he couldnÕt
have her stalking him and didnÕt know how else to handle it. He also didnÕt
know where to turn for help because he had been alienated from his friends and
family.
¤
Maria
said that twice she tried to defend herself but that it ended up worse.
¤
Katie
thought she couldnÕt live away from boyfriend because he meant so much to her.
¤
Rae
said a part of her wanted to leave and another part of her didnÕt. She thought it would be impossible to
get away from him because he knew where she lived, what she did, when her
classes were, etc.
¤
Sandy
said she knew what her boyfriend was doing was wrong, but she didnÕt want to
tell anyone because they would tell other people, everyone would know, and her
boyfriend would be mad at her.
¤
RaeÕs
boyfriend threatened to commit suicide if she broke up with him.
¤
SamÕs
boyfriend cried and threatened to cut himself.
Further
Discussion:
Are
drugs and alcohol an excuse for abuse?
¤
Never.
Many people use drugs and alcohol as an excuse for abusive behavior, but it is
a myth that drugs and alcohol cause a person to be abusive. People are
responsible for their behavior even when they are drunk or high.
¤
Is
there ever an excuse for abuse? Is it ever the abused personÕs Òfault?Ó
¤
No.
There is never an excuse for abusing someone else. There is nothing a person
can do to ÒmakeÓ another person abuse them. Abuse is always one hundred percent
the responsibility of the abuser.
Why is
it so difficult to end an abusive relationship? There are many very complicated
reasons people stay in abusive relationships. Some common reasons are: Fear that the abuse will get worse
if they try to end the relationship (often they have been threatened); because they love their boyfriend/girlfriend
and have hope that things will go back to the way they were at the beginning of
the relationship, before the abuse started; they blame themselves for the abuse
because the abuser has told them Òyou make me act this wayÓ; because they are
ashamed, embarrassed, or isolated from family and friends and donÕt feel like
they have anyone to turn to for help.
Are
boys abused more than is commonly thought? Why can it be more difficult for
them to get out or ask for help? (Matt talks about being ÒmachoÓ)
4.
HOW DID YOU GET OUT?
How did
the teens in the video finally take steps to end their abusive relationship?
¤
Matt
began to realize his girlfriend had been lying to him. When a peer education
program on relationship abuse came to his school, he saw himself in one of the
characters in the skit they did, and decided to get help to end the
relationship.
¤
Katie
saw a video in her health class about relationship abuse. She hadnÕt realized there was anything
wrong with her relationship before this, but seeing the video made her realized
she was being abused. When she was ready to break up with her boyfriend, she
created a safety plan with her counselor, which helped her plan out how and
where to break up with her boyfriend safely. She eventually got a protective order because her ex-boyfriend
kept showing up at her school.
¤
Sam
finally sought help when she got really scared because her boyfriend called her
and said he had a gun, and was cocking the gun over the phone. She told her
friend Joanna, who said they needed to get more people involved. Sam finally
told her parents and they got professional help. Sam also told her boyfriend he needed help, and he
eventually got counseling.
¤
Rae
saw a flyer on the wall in the bathroom describing relationship abuse, and she
realized some of the things on the flyer applied to her, so she went to her
school counseling office and got help. In the end, Rae transferred to a
different school. Less than a year later, her boyfriend wound up killing
another girlfriend.
¤
Maria
talked to several adults she trusted, and they helped her get counseling. A
counselor helped her make a list of the good and bad parts of her relationship,
and she realized there was more bad than good. This helped her realize she needed to end the relationship.
¤
Rae,
Katie and Sandy went to a support group where they were able to learn from
other girls who had been in similar situations and get the support they needed
to stay out of abusive relationships.
Further
Discussion:
What
would you do if a friend or sibling were in an abusive relationship? Who could
you talk to?
¤
Elicit
specific suggestions relevant to your community. Teachers/facilitators should
provide resources for local domestic violence or teen relationship abuse
hotlines or programs. For resources in your area, call the National Domestic
Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE.
ACTIVITIES:
¤
Make
a card or poster with a list of the emotional and physical signs of abuse, with
names and numbers of people/places where teens can go for help. Post it at your
school.
¤
Develop
skits about teens in healthy and unhealthy relationships. You can make up the
characters entirely, or base them on the stories of the teens in the video.
Make sure the skits include characters such as friends, family members or
teachers who recognize the warning signs and help the teens get help. Perform
the skits for classes or school groups, and provide information at the end of
the performance about how students in abusive relationships can get help.
¤
Research
local organizations that offer help for people experiencing domestic violence
or relationship abuse. Invite one of these organizations to speak in your class
or other school event.
RESOURCES
This hotline provides crisis
intervention, education, safety planning, and referrals for counseling,
shelters and legal services nationwide.
In the Mix Programs:
ÒTwisted
Love: Dating Violence Exposed;Ó and ÒLove ShouldnÕt Hurt: Recognizing Dating
ViolenceÓ
Over 50 In the Mix programs of interest to grades 7–12 are
available on other topics including: Ecstasy and Club Drugs, Coping after
9–11, Dealing with Death, Smoking Prevention, Sex and Abstinence, School
Violence, Cliques, Drug Abuse, Teen Immigrants, Depression and Suicide, Gun
Violence, Self-Expression, Self-Image and the Media, Sports Participation,
Media Literacy, Activism, Alcohol and DWI, Getting Into College, School to Work
Transition, Careers, Relationships, AIDS, Native American Teens and more.
VHS and
DVD copies of programs can be purchased from Castle Works, Inc. and include
performance rights. For ordering information and a complete catalog, visit www.inthemix.org or www.castleworks.com; email us at mail@inthemix.org or call 800 343-5540. Visit us online at www.inthemix.org for guides, transcripts,
video clips, schedules, lesson plans, and other resources.
Written by Kerry Moles, author of The Teen
Relationship Workbook www.relationshipworkbooks.com
Copyright
2006 Castle Works, Inc.