In Memory of Todd
By Hanne, 16, from Kirkland, WA
On October 9, 2000, Hanne's friend Todd was hit by a car. She writes:
"Some days, I just want to run and hide from everything. He was my inspiration in music. At his service there were 750 people grieving for him...incuding his twin brother. So far we've gotten the speed limit reduced in that area, and are working for flashing lights. The way I deal is
by writing, singing, and I made a memorial on my wall. I have a picture with poems about him and a candle all in one corner. I feel close to him when I'm there. I'll never have my friend back, but some days, in my corner, I feel like he's back with me in my room."
Here are two entries from Hanne's diary, which helps her cope with losing her friend:
November 3, 2000
Ok, I'm finally putting thoughts on paper. I don't know why, but until now I
couldn't find the right words to write. When Todd died (October 9, 2000) I
cried. I cried Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and
Sunday. Crying isn't the right word...I sobbed. To tell you the truth, I
haven't stopped crying. Inside I feel as though I am overflowing with tears.
Lately my patience has gone down the drain. My parents think I'm being a
brat, but since they didn't know Tood, I don't think they realize the inside
battle I'm fighting with my emotions. More often than not I feel the need to
just beat something. I want to scream and kick and yell until I can't yell
anymore. I want to physically cry. I haven't in the last 2-3 weeks, and I
think it's building up. In soccer I strain myself, hoping to release the
built up 'energy'. I look at his twin and see a different person. He is
missing a part of himself and no matter how much time passes he'll never
have 'that' back.
I'm mad...no, mad doesn't describe it...I'm furious at the
lady who hit him. I know it was an accident, but still I can't have my
friend back. I'm mad at the traffic safety people...why wasn't the light
bulb fixed? Why is there no signal at the crosswalk? I'm upset with Todd...
Why did you wear a dark coat? Why couldn't you have left for school a few
seconds later? I'm mad for his brother...he lost a twin...I feel cheated
out of a friend. I feel the world has been cheated out of an AWSOME, GREAT,
WONDERFUL, TALENTED, SMART, KIND person. He was the first and probably the
last person I will know who was so close to perfect. I feel my school has
been cheated out of a Drama God, singer, band member, and swimmer. I feel
he's been cheated out of a long life, a career on the stage, family, soccer,
swimming, drama, band, vocal jazz, Because of his death I feel that everyone
has been cheated.
November 4, 2000
Tonight I was laughing so hard I had tears running down my face and then all of a sudden I felt like crying for Todd. Why? I was doing nothing to remind myself of him and what happened. You know how some songs remind you of something and what you felt. Well the beginning of Creed's song
"Arms Wide Open" reminds me how I felt.
Well I just heard
The news today if it was changed to pain
I think my life it would be exactly what happened.
Is gonna change
I close my eyes
begin to pray
As tear of (pain) joy
run down my face..
When I first found out I began to pray that he'd make it, but he didn't. I
thought up this poem while I was at Todd's service...
I don't know
how to get through
the pain i feel
that is deep inside
What will i do?
What will i say?
When I am asked
If I'm ok
if i get lost
inside the pain
will you be there
to pull me through
Inside your heart
of Gold and pearls
i hope you know
Your memory will live
inside me still
