DIVORCE AND STEPFAMILIES: BREAKING APART, COMING TOGETHER
TRANSCRIPT

Sonya (Host): Hi, I’m Sonya

Sean (Host): And I’m Sean. 

Sonya and Sean: And welcome to In The Mix.

Sean: If your parents are dealing with a divorce, or if you have friends who are dealing with a divorce, you know it can be really difficult. And it may seem like you’re the only one with problems. But the fact is, 50% of marriages today end in divorce and many children are affected by it.

Sonya: Unfortunately, I know firsthand.  My parents are currently going through a divorce. And it gets hard at times dealing with all the problems and the stress that comes from being a senior in high school.

Sean: So today, we’re going to talk about some of the common problems and see how others are coping with divorce, including issues such as custody, visitation and if your parents are dating.

Sonya: We’ll also meet a stepfamily with teens who are working really hard to get along with one another, as two families with different background come together.

Sean: First, we go to Dartmouth Massachusetts, where there’s a program called Banana Splits. Here, teens who’ve already dealt with their own parents divorce, offer their advice and support as they mentor younger kids dealing with the same difficult problems.

Banana Splits Segment

Abbie:  I was seven when my parents got divorced.  And, I used to come as a little kid.  After a while, I was still having problems, kind of, with my parents.  You know, it was hard.  Kevin, he asked me to come back and help with these kids, but it’s helped me a lot.

Katie:  Basically we tell everyone, like, we talk about it with them and they get to tell us how they and feel and we just, everyone shares.

Abbie:  You work with second and third graders and fourth and fifth graders.  You talk about how it feels to be like, with divorced parents.

Katie:  Each week we have like a different topic.  Like, one week it will be like, it’s all about you, or like, people who are safe.

Andy:  I think you have to be able to listen and talk to somebody and not look at them as a little kid but as a human being, and just be there for them you know.  Play with them and, you know, be a friend.

Abbie:  If the kids ask a question it kind of brings me back to when I was in that place.  If you’ve been in that situation you can actually tell yeah, it’s okay.  I’ve been there, done that, you know.

(Group Discussion)

Kevin:  One of the things we’re going to be talking about today in group is; who’s there to help us?

Andy:  Who was there for me, would probably be my sister, you know, cause she was going through the same thing that I was.  She was always there for me; and my grandparents.

Katie:  My Aunt, believe it or not.  She was a really big help through all that.  And you, cause, I came to this group second, third, fourth and fifth grade, so I talked to you about it too, so.

Michael:  I would just say my whole entire family.

Kevin:  Your whole entire family?

Michael:  Yeah, cause they…’Cause my family’s really connected with each other. 

Michael:  My dad always used to yell a lot, because he used to get, like, mad all the time.  My mom thought it was best for me to just stay with my grandparents.  So far everything’s going really good.  My mom’s with me right now, but I miss my dad, cause I don’t really get to see him that much any more.

Kevin:  There was a time when you didn’t see your dad very often, right?

Katie:  I never really have like a scheduled time to see him.

Kevin:  Uhmm.  Uh, how often do you see him now?

Katie:  Whenever he’s around.  Whenever, like usually when I go to my grandma’s he might be there, and stuff like that.  Whenever he’s around.

Kevin:  And what extra ingredient happens with dad that’s a problem in all of this.

Katie:  Like, he’s an alcoholic.

Kevin:  Alcoholics have a situation where it always affects other people around them, and usually their family first, right?  Do you ever have friends that help you out?

Jamie:  Alec, because he’s in the same situation.  His dad and mom are separated. And so he can help me with whatever problems I’m having.

(Group Discussion ends)

Jamie:  I come to Banana Splits because I thought it was gonna help me with my problems.  And I was gonna be probably kinda bored because I didn’t have that many problems at first, but then when we went through it he found out that I had a couple of problems.

Kevin:  Jamie is an absolute delight.  When he first came to group he just started to cry.  He was so sad.  And some of the topics that would just make him remember things with his father, especially the drinking that he had to tolerate, just really upset him.  But as the weeks went by, he opened up, he engaged more, he participated in discussion.

Graphic:  Court

Kevin:  How many here have heard your parents talk about court, going to court?  Lots of young people have had that happen where parents go back in court and they have to work on the details about visits, and sometimes it’s kind of stressful, tense when you hear your parents talk about court.  Right?

Katie:  In my situation, like, they went to court and like they decided that me and my sister were to live with my mom, and I didn’t want to do that, like I wanted to live with my dad and I was like forced to.  Now I live back with my dad because of my step-dad, cause I don’t get along with him.

Graphic:  Shared Custody

Taryn:  Like, sometimes, I have to bring certain things to my mom’s house and they’ll be…‘Oh, why you bringin’ that?’  And I’ll say, ‘Because my parents are divorced and I’m going to see my mom.’  I’ve just gotten so used to it. In the beginning I didn’t like it that much because, I mean, I had to move a lot because my dad had to move to find a house for us.  So, uh, it was kind of hard with the arrangements of going to see my mom on Tuesdays and things like that.

Andy:  Every other weekend I’d have to go over and visit my dad.  It’s like every time my mom would make me get in the car, I started like crying or I’d start, you know, throwing a fit because I didn’t want to go over there.  When you live with one parent it’s kinda hard, cause you goin’ back and forth to different parents. 

Andy: She was always yelling, cause my dad wouldn’t pay child support or… don’t let your parents put you in the middle of it, you know, just tell them that it’s not your problem.  It’s hard but you can’t be their spies.

Graphic:  It’s good to get help!

Abbie:  Coming here with, um, other kids with divorced parents really helped me come a long way through the years.

Katie:  Since the teens have been through everything that you’ve been through, they can tell you what would help, and stuff.

Michael:  I think that mentors really help out a lot. They don’t make you talk.

Jamie:  If you’re feeling bad, you don’t have to say anything.

Michael:  I know, all you need to do is just listen.

Jamie:  It’s great that we can help out other kids too.  It just feels good.

Michael:  Them helping you and you helping them makes you feel good.

Katie:  We’re in two different schools, but we, um, ended up being really good friends here because of Banana Splits.  They should have more groups like this.  Different places.

Taryn:  Yeah, I love it.  It’s great.

Katie:  It’s nice to have a friend in the group that, that pretty much knows what you’re going through and stuff.

Taryn:  Yeah, you can look forward to goin’ here on Tuesdays, like, ‘Oh, Katie’s there, so we can talk and stuff like that.’

Andy:  You definitely got to talk about it.  Cause, you try and keep it all bottled up inside it’s, your gonna explode one day and it’s not gonna be very pretty.

Hosts

Sean: It’s great to have that kind of support from your friends. How have your friends helped you?

Sonya: My friends have helped me in many different ways. I found it easiest to relate to those with divorced parents as they gave something to look forward to such as the end of a divorce when there is finally no more argument just peace and quiet.  I think the worst thing a friend could do is to assume that divorce has no effects on you, because it does. And, if you have any friends that are dealing with a divorce of their parents, make sure you let them know you are there for them and you know, hang out with them, have a good time just to get their mind off of things.

Sean: Thanks. That’s great advice.  I do have friends going through a divorce so I’ll be sure to help them out.

Next, at Hunterdon Central High School in New Jersey, we’ll see how teens compare stories about their situations and help each other, that way that they don’t feel like they’re alone.

Hunterdon Segment

Heather:  My parents, they fought on and off for about like 7 years. And then they finally, like my mom finally took the steps to like file for the divorce.

Amanda: It was the day after Christmas and our parents were like, Ah..we need to talk. And we were like, my sister and I were like, “what?” And I was shocked, I did not see that coming.

Chris: I didn’t see how much worse it could get since they were fighting all the time anyway, it was just going all downhill.  And then I was just surprised because I never thought they’d think of getting divorced

Meredith: I found out a majority of it through rumors. Like my dad told me and I wasn’t allowed to tell my mom that I knew it was happening, which was really hard for a few months.

Christina: But I kinda just took it as like you know you are gonna do your thing, if you are gonna do it, you are gonna do it all you can, I can’t change that, I can’t stop that. So I just kinda took it and just went with it.

Amanda: Like I never used to think divorce was that bad. I was so wrong. It’s awful. It’s really bad.

Heather: I was at the point where maybe I should just give up cause if my parents can’t wok through something, then I can’t work through something. I failed 3 classes freshman year because of it.

Christina: And like I really didn’t care about anything. My grades went down. My counselor had suggested that I go into group because it was, it would be easier for me, you know, to talk.. At first I didn’t really wanna talk, didn’t wanna tell people my problems. You know like feel bad for me. When I got there and listened to everybody, I really felt like you know they’re in the same situation I was in.

Rich: The reason why the group works so well is because there’s peer interaction and the kids help each other and I think overall they see that… they’re normal.

Meredith: When your parents get divorced, like you grow up so much cause you realize like you can’t, you’re not always gonna have this perfect life.

Graphics:  Don’t be the parent

(Group Discussion)

Christina: My sister won’t go over to my dad’s house when my brother’s there. Because every time they’re together, my brother always has to like say something to her. And like she gets mad and they start going at it. And then, it’s just ridiculous. And then somehow I wound up getting in there, cause my dad doesn’t do anything, he sits there and listens to it. And I’m just like, “Dad,” I was like, “You know you could do something about it.” He’s just like, “Let them go, let them go, they’ll be fine, whatever, they’ll work it out.” I was like, “No.” I was like, “You gotta say something.” I was like, “be a father, yo!”

Rich: Don’t put that pressure on yourself because that’s not your responsibility.

Christina: It’s not my responsibility…but…

Heather: Sometimes it feels like it is.

Rich: Yeah, it does feel like it but…

Christina: It’s like I play the Mom role a lot.

Meredith: So sometimes it’s like you feel you like have to be the parents because you feel like you know your mom, your dad are preoccupied with like their new lives or what’s going on with them. So like you’re like, “Oh, my mom’s not here, so I have to play, you know, the role of my Mom. And it’s like too much pressure.

Meredith: You don’t want to always have to be…the parent.

Martin:  I was giving him my paychecks to help around the house. I was paying for the cable, Internet, TV, HealthQuest, my cell phone. I’m kinda like…”you know dad, I really wanna talk to you about this.” He goes, “All right.”  “I’m having an issue right now.” I explained it to him.” And he was just like, “Yeah, you know what, you’re right.” Haha

Graphics: Stay out of the Middle

Chris: It’s ok to like stay involved in decision making, but you have to draw the line somewhere and you have to say like, ok, well, I can - I can talk to my parents about how much time I have with them but I don’t want – I don’t want to get involved with their fights or like with their arguments about us.

Rich: Feeling like you’re in the middle at the beginning, I think, is pretty normal feelings. Just talk to your parents and let them know how you feel.

Chris: My parents wanted me to be like, half with my mom and half with my dad but I wanted to stay with my mom more so I talked to them about it and like it worked out.

Graphics:  Back and Forth

Christina: As far as visitation is, it’s ridiculous. Ehhh!  At my dad’s house we can’t get picked up by the bus.  I have to like get myself together, make sure my brother’s are ready to go so we can leave on time and catch the bus by my mom’s house.     

Chris: The schedule is so confusing. I can’t even keep it straight sometimes. It’s like; I have Monday nights with my mom, and every other Tuesday night I have with my dad. And then Wednesday night I have with my dad, Thursday night I have with my mom, Friday night I have with my dad. And Saturday all day I’m with my dad and at night I sleep at my mom’s house, and Sunday I’m with my mom and Sunday night I’m with my mom. And then it goes back to Monday night when I’m with my mom.

Janine: Having to be shared between two parents and two different households for a couple of days a week, taking two completely different bus routes, it’s hard to get adjusted to.

Chris: Don’t get too stressed out about it because a lot of times, it seems like too much, it feels overwhelming but if you kind of organize it and um, have like a certain thing to do all the time, it makes it a lot easier.

Meredith: It’s kinda hard not like always being with both your parents like at night and stuff. Cause it’s like, it’s different when it’s just like if my mom would come over after school and leave, cause its like at night and it’s like I don’t know there’s things that I really like same with you, you just can’t talk to your dad about some stuff.

Christina: Yeah I can't.

Meredith: Yeah, like you need your mom to be there to talk about that kind of stuff especially when you’re like this age.

Amanda: My dad lives in Florida.  I went from like seeing him every day of my life to umm, an entire summer without him.  And that was uhh really hard.

Janine: Growing up without my father being there was definitely difficult. For pretty much my entire life, it’s just been me, my mom and my sister. And there’s never really been that father figure there for us.

Graphics:  Moving On

Rich: I don’t know if you guys remember bout her mom dating, wasn’t your mom dating?

Janine: Um, his name is Matt, and they are doing good. She’s falling hard and fast. And I’m glad, cause I really, I really like Matt. He’s like into baseball, he’s the president of his out league, and he’s just a really nice guy. At first it’s kind of weird to see your parent dating because you’re not used to having someone else there.

Chris: In my brain, it was like, there’s no other way, my parents are together, they’re together, they’re not gonna see anybody else. Then all of a sudden, they’re divorced and they’re seeing other people, it just – it doesn’t fit in

Amanda: It was extremely difficult, because I saw him - I did see him as an intruder even though he try not to be like that.

Meredith: And when my dad had that girlfriend I really liked, I really wanted them to get married and that didn’t happen. I don’t really deal with my dad, like his relationships anymore.  I don’t want to be involved in any of that anymore because it’s too hard to get attached to people, and then have them leave.

Amanda: Try to be patient.  You really have to consider how nervous they are, um, you know how awkward the situation would be for them, and the fact that a lot of the time they’re not, in any way, trying to take the place of your other parent. 

Graphics:  What helps?

Meredith: You kinda want to deny what’s happening rather than discuss it and so when you talk about things, it really clears up a lot of stuff.

Amanda: Communicating with my family and everything has been absolutely key to kind of umm getting, through it, at least.

Chris: We use to have meetings and use to talk out like what worked for everybody and just make a compromise and it worked everytime.

Rich: Use your friends. Uhh, especially if you have a friend who’s – who’s been through this.  And use counselors at school too.

Amanda: I think it’s important to have an outlet, umm, you know I can always go up in my room listen to music and do, you know, crafts.  You kind of sink yourself into a hobby for a bit and that’s – that’s ok.

Christina: Softball has helped me take my mind off my parents because it’s like an outlet for me.  I can just go there and do my thing and not have to worry about them or think about what’s going on there.

Kara: She started talking about what went on at home which seemed to help her because she wasn’t keeping it all in.  We kept workin’, we pulled her grades all the way up and now she’s almost a straight A student.

Amanda: I started a journal, which was actually really useful. Umm, because once you put something down on paper it’s out of your head. You don’t have to constantly think about it. It’s not always on your mind.

Chris: What I always did whenever I got home from my mom – from school to my mom’s house, is I would go for like a 6mile rollerblade around the block or something like that.  Find something that you like to do that calms you down and that makes you feel like clear minded and just… lets you think about things without any prejudice

Janine: You will feel better over time.  It’s a gradual process.  You will be sad. You will be upset. You will be angry, but just go with it, ‘cause that’s just part of the healing process.

Sean: You can see how important it is to be able to talk to someone about your problems.

Sonya: It is. After the shoot, I’m really glad I had a chance to sit down and talk with Rich about the problems I’m going through.

Sonya/Rich Segment

Sonya:  My mom was always you know pouring her feelings into me and then my dad and I don’t know how to deal with it, so...

Rich: Do you feel like you’re choosing sides?

Sonya: I don’t feel like I’m being made, you know, choosing sides but it’s hard because you you’re – you’re always in the middle.

Rich: And are they using you as like a buffer, you know, like a bargaining chip?

Sonya: They usually just fight it out if they’re having problems, but I feel as though I’m my own buffer you know because I always have to get in the middle between them.  I had the national honor society ce-ceremony a few weeks ago and my parents got into a fight you know 30 minutes, literally, 30 minutes before the ceremony. And my mom ended up coming and my dad never came you know, it was hard seeing all the families there.

Rich: It’s their stuff you know and don’t – don’t – just don’t blame yourself ‘cause you’re really you’re not to blame for any of it.

Sonya: In terms of graduation, I think I’m going to have to sit them down and say,  you know, please don’t fight that day. Come to my graduation, you know.  As soon as it’s over – as soon as it’s over you can go your separate ways, but please be there for me.

Rich: You should be the winner.  In, in, in everything.

Sonya: I know it ‘s hard, but he’s right. You can’t get involved with your parents problems. You have to let them settle their differences on their own. And you absolutely should never blame yourself because it isn’t your fault that your parents are breaking up.

Sean: It’s also good to remember that after the divorce, most times things actually get better even if your parents do remarry. Here’s another stat…About 30% of youth are living in stepfamilies. This can bring about its own problems, but it could also be really good. Let’s talk to Alex and Ashley, and Nick and Andy… about how they brought two families into one.

Stepfamily Segment Transcript

Graphic:  Coming Together

Alex: My dad died in a car accident when we were on our vacation in Jamaica. And then um my mom was a single mom for a like a few years. 

Andy: My dad had been divorced for a while and went through girlfriend after girlfriend. And then like, you know, he started going to a Northwell Baptist church. And he saw Donna, and saw that she was like interested in the same kinda things. And they started to get to know each other, and they hung out as a group.  And my dad really started taking interest in her.

Ashley: My mom, she dated before. And, the other people, it like, Lou was different because, he was like more of a dad to me.

Alex: He was more interested in like my mom and her feelings instead of his desires and stuff.

Andy: With Donna they kept it, very, I don’t know what the word is, pure …

Donna: (mom) You can call it pure.

Andy: Pure. And it was cool. I didn’t feel like this woman was trying to take my mom’s spot. I appreciated like the fact that she wasn’t like all the other girls.

Nick: I thought it was cool because, it was like having a mom again you know to look after us.

Graphic: New Family = New Siblings

Nick: Just jump in with two new siblings, and you don’t know how its going to be you know. So, I was sort of like wasn’t sure what it was going to be like.

Donna: (mom) But it was really very difficult in the beginning, right?

Nick: Yeah.  We didn’t like each other.  Me, and Andy, and Alex and Ashley actually didn’t get along very well in the beginning. Like we would argue a lot.  He would make fun of me. Stuff like that.  And I get annoyed very easily.

Andy: We would be like…we would team up on each other there.

Nick:  Push our buttons.

Donna: (mom) And Ashley wouldn’t sit next to these two boys for a long time.

Nick: Yeah, yeah, she wouldn’t talk to us…

Donna (mom): We went into the car, she had to be um, she had to be on the outside and then have Alex inside.

Andy: I was very used to it just being myself or me and my brother. I wasn’t used to having two other people. You know, I wasn’t used to having…or sharing, you know, even the food- bigger portions of food. I would kinda always try to keep my distance, but I would always be short tempered with them.  They would take… Like, we’d have these big fights over little things.  Like we’d fight over a whiffle ball bat or something.  You know if they took my whiffle ball bat I would yell at them. 

Graphic:  New Family = New Rules

Donna: (mom) You guys told me when we got married that, I was not allowed to discipline them or tell them anything, because I was not their mother. So…

Andy: Oh yeah, we were just not used to discipline.

Nick: We were stubborn, yeah.  Like we weren’t used to like getting in trouble.  To doing whatever we wanted. So, like, whenever we did something she would tell us whatever, and then we would be like ‘no, we don’t want to.’  Nod off, and then do whatever we want.  So we had to get used to that and listening.

Andy: I’d go to my mom's house and I was like, you know, I was allowed to whatever I want. But Donna always had order. I was like very self-centered. 

Donna (mom): Before we got married, I thought it would have been really easy.  And then when we got married, it’s like the fantasy was- the dream was shattered, you know.  But for a while there it was really hard.

Andy: I didn’t accept what she had to say at first, but now.. I was really rebellious.  I ran away once and I started fights all the time just because I wanted to see what she would do, how she would react, try to push her buttons. And after a while, she is a very strong woman and she won’t give up.

Lou (dad): Initially, yeah, there was a lot of, ah, posturing and figuring out how to – you know how to make this thing work because we weren’t sure if it suppose to be that way and not. And we realized like it was more like a puzzle coming together. But it wasn’t just an abstract, we had to work it out so it can come together.

Donna (mom): We had to decide that it wasn’t, his way wasn’t like the right way and mine wasn’t the right way.

Nick: But then, it took a good meeting.  Like, one is really strict and one is real like laid back. So it all works together. They been like pretty cool and neat.

Andy: And now we have a love for Donna and just accept what she has to say because she has a lot of wisdom.

Graphic:  Breaking Down the Wall

Donna (mom): Initially, you guys were kind of, all kind of resistant.  You put up that wall and you were resisting, resisting, and it’s when you stop resisting and really started trying that things began to work, right?

Nick: If you keep doing that, no one gets along and you keep having problems.  It’s not fun.  So mainly, I just stopped and said, Nah, this is boring.  It’s not what we’re supposed to do as a family.

Alex: I got to feel like Andy cause he’s like very popular at school and stuff and he’s really cool.  And, Nick, since I’m in his room I had to get used to him, so...

Nick: We both like work on it.  Like I don’t, if there’s a mess that like I make we don’t argue about it or something.  We clean our room.  We have separate sides, so we worked that out. It’s really cool.  At first I didn’t like sharing a room. But now it’s cool cause if we get bored at night you’ve got someone to talk to or something, so it’s really awesome.

Alex: We have like kinda the same friends and stuff like that.  So if we’re going somewhere new, it’s like we go there together because we’re the same age.

Nick: When I told my friends they thought it was really cool, you know.  Having another brother like, different than me.  They thought it was really cool thing, they were like.  They didn’t believe me at first when I told them Alex was my brother.

Andy: Yeah, I tell everyone I’m step-black (Nick – Yeah.), and they’re like, ‘What?’  And I’m like, ‘yeah, I’m step-black.’ (Nick – Yeah.)  They’re like, ‘What’re you talkin’ about?’ ‘My step-mom and my step-brother and sister are black.’  And they’re like, ‘Oh, that’s awesome.’

Nick: Yeah, they all think it’s really cool.  They didn’t even think anything bad, they thought it was cool. I would have a brother in the same grade and everything.

Graphic:  Becoming A Family

Nick: If I do can something different, I definitely work my problems out so to have more time to hang out. 

Alex: Everybody in your family has special things you can learn from. So they all work together to make…more bigger set.

Andy: We’d play waffle ball, and Christmas time we’d decorate stuff together.  Alex cooks birthday cakes now. Ashley does the decorations, she’s very artistic…ah ah I’m teaching Alex how to play the drums a lil bit. We get to have fun. We share our talents with each other…and learn from each other.

Lou (dad): I think our blending is a continual process, ya know.  I, uh, I think we grew together, and uh, but I think we’re still growing, and uh.

Andy: We have this like baby that’s from Donna and dad and her brings us together. And, I don’t know, she’s like the cutest little thing.

Donna (mom): Remember when we just got married you didn’t want us to have any kids.  

Andy: Well yeah, but after awhile…

Donna (mom): But after awhile, when Gaby was born he was like so..

Nick: Yeah, having Gaby was fun; it was a learning experience for myself, having a little kid around.

Ashley: I like having a little sister because I never had a little sister or brother.  I feel like I’m more responsible and I have like more power.

Andy: We’re not perfect by far.  It’s a lot better than what it was.  (Nick –Yeah.)  We’re a family that has fights, you know, but we get through it.

Nick: I don’t know.  It’s really cool remembering what we went through to come to now.

Lou (dad): It’s cool to look back to some of our humble beginnings.

Nick: At first, it might feel like tough and hard, and like it might feel you might wanna give up. But just keep pushing and keep trying to make it work. And eventually it’ll all come together.

Andy: I never like change. And sometimes change is good. You just have to let it go, have to let it happen. And… give it a chance.

Close

Sonya: You know, I learned a lot while working on this program because once you get involved in doing something that you like, you have a more positive outlook on life. Just remember to stay busy and live your own life.

Sean: And remember what Andy said. Sometimes change is a good thing.
That’s all for today.

You can find out more about the teens in this program at InTheMix.org.
There are transcripts, discussion guides, resources, video clips, how to get a copy and more about other In the Mix topics.

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Sonya: Thanks for watching.

Sonya and Sean:  Bye.

This program was made possible by: Ronald McDonald House Charities. Thanks a lot!