E-mail a friendVictor Rivas Rivers
airdate May 10, 2005
Victor Rivas Rivers is a talented athlete-turned-TV, film and stage actor. He's also a child abuse survivor. Since coming to the U.S. at age 2, he went from victim to hard-core gang member to senior class president. He was the first Cuban American to play for the Miami Dolphins and, after, pursued another love - acting. In '99, Rivers became the spokesperson for the National Network to End Domestic Violence. His newly released book, A Private Family Matter, describes how he overcame a troubled upbringing.
Victor Rivas Rivers
Tavis: Victor Rivas Rivers has enjoyed a successful career in film and television with movies like 'The Distinguished Gentleman,' 'The Mask of Zorro,' and 'Amistad.' The Cuban-born actor is also a former pro football player, having played for the Miami Dolphins in the late seventies. In addition to his acting career, he's been a passionate voice for those victimized by domestic abuse. As a boy, he saw the devastating consequences of domestic violence in his own family, a story he's now sharing in the pages of a new memoir called 'A Private Family Matter.' Victor Rivas Rivers also serves as a spokesperson for the National Network to End Domestic Violence. Victor, nice to have you on the program.
Victor Rivas Rivers: Nice to be here, Tavis.
Tavis: You read a bio like that: former football player and college player, obviously, an actor. One wonders why one would write a book about a subject like domestic violence.
Rivers: Well, because I think there's a big misconception that domestic violence is strictly a woman's issue, and it really affects all of us, you know. And that is one of the reasons that I decided to write the book because I wanted it to get into the hands of a lot of men, too, men who normally don't go to a domestic violence conference or hear me speak in congress. And I think that most men are good men, but we stand by silently when we hear that our brother, our uncle, our teammate are committing these acts of violence. And I think this is one way to give a different perspective on the issue.
Tavis: You argue, though, that this is not just a situation where men commit domestic violence, as I intimated earlier. The numbers are starting to indicate that many more men and certainly boys are being victimized by domestic violence. So it's not just men who are behind it, but men and boys are being victimized by it as well.
Rivers: Absolutely. And I think that is--our prisons are full right now. 94% of our men that are incarcerated in our prisons are victims or witnesses to domestic violence. So it's absolutely a learning route for violence. And that is why, you know, I feel that it's something that needs to be discussed, that it isn't a private family matter. You know, domestic violence is often called a quiet crime, because it thrives in an atmosphere of shame, denial, and silence. We can't fight the quiet crime quietly anymore if we're concerned about violence in our streets.
Tavis: I wonder whether or not--before I get to your story--you think now is a good time or a bad time to get traction on an issue like this. I mean, I can think of any number of examples in the news even as we speak where domestic violence is being talked about. Whether it's the Catholic church, any number of places where this story has come out. Is now a good time or a bad time, and why or why not, for this kind of issue to get traction on the American agenda?
Rivers: Oh, I think it's absolutely a good time, because, you know, there are--even corporations are starting to pay attention to this issue because there's so much being lost, as far as dollars and workplace absenteeism. And it is a situation right now that as our world continues to sort of implode a little bit, you know, with violence all around our globe, I think that if we want to really truly be leaders, then if we can create a more peaceful world here. I think that would be a great way to maybe encourage others around the world to, you know, to step up to the plate.
Tavis: You wrote a whole book about it, so it's a bit unfair to ask you to tell me your story, but it is a fascinating story. But share with me what happened to you as a child.
Rivers: As a child, I was beaten, I was tied up, I was locked in closets, I was hammered with meat tenderizers, I was burned. And that's just to name a few. But I learned to take it. You know, for me it was much harder to witness the violence being done against my other siblings, and especially to my mom. And so that's--you know, life in our house, there were no set rules because rules could change from moment to moment with my father. And my father was the most deviant and the most humiliating when he was talking to you the way I'm talking to you right now. So it wasn't just rage. And there certainly, to my knowledge, there was not a drug or alcohol problem. So it really was about a man who took control and a man who probably had some type of mental illness that went unchecked for years and years.
Tavis: I'm about to ask you what you found out about what led your father to behave that way. Typically, when we think of domestic violence, and this might well be an excuse that people hide behind--I don't know--or currently hide behind, we typically think--I shouldn't say typically--but oftentimes we think of it in connection with alcohol or drug abuse, but you tell me your father didn't abuse either, and yet was out of control.
Rivers: Right. And I think that there are many issues, and that's why it's such a complex issue and there's no one-size- fits-all solution to domestic violence. I mean, that's why we need to approach it as a community and as a nation, because I truly believe that if we could eradicate this very curable social disease, we'd live in a much safer world.
Tavis: Tell me how you learned...two things you said that I want to get back to--one relative to how you learned first to tolerate this, to deal with it, to accept it. How did you develop--I mean, for the things you just mentioned, one would have to have a pretty high threshold for pain to learn to accept and deal with the maltreatment your father was delivering to you. How did you know how to tolerate that?
Rivers: There was no escape. There was no escaping it. At that particular time, you know, it was a private family matter, and if we had the police at our house, they wouldn't do anything. The title comes from when I go to a police department--
Tavis: This is a fascinating story. You're 12 years old, you walk into a police station.
Rivers: And I take off all my clothes, because my father took great care, you know, not to hit us on parts of our body that our clothing wouldn't cover. And I stood there naked and going through puberty, and I said, 'My father's doing this to me.' and I was covered in bruises, welts, and burns. And ultimately they sent me away and they said it was 'a private family matter.'
Tavis: This was not in Cuba, either.
Rivers: No, that's here.
Tavis: Here in California.
Rivers: Yeah, here in California, yeah, and so that's the day I went home, and I sat my mom and my older brother down and I said, 'If I get a gun and I shoot him, will you back me up?' and they said, 'Yes.' and I went out looking for a gun. And, you know, fortunately in my neighborhood in those days guns were much harder to come by, because currently the statistic is 67% of the boys between the ages of 12 and 18 that are incarcerated for murder are there because they killed their mom's abuser. So we're losing a lot of young men who are only trying to protect their moms, and this is the only way they think they know that they can do it. And fortunately lots has changed. That's the good news is that we do have shelters and hotlines and law enforcement is better educated, and that's really making a difference, but it's still a very prevalent issue.
Tavis: So you couldn't find a weapon. Kids nowadays, go outside on either side of where they live, they can find one.
Rivers: I could've gone next door in my neighborhood now.
Tavis: Exactly. So those numbers are startling about young men who are incarcerated because they, in fact, to your point, killed their mother's or sibling's abuser.
Rivers: Right.
Tavis: Tell me about how difficult it was, though, for you to watch. You learned to deal with it, but how did you ever navigate your way through watching your mother and your siblings subjected to this mistreatment?
Rivers: I, you know, I really never did. I mean, it was just something that I had to witness. And many times what I would do, and not to become a hero, I would step in because I could turn my father almost like a shark in a frenzy. I could turn him onto me if I could step in or, you know, redirect his anger. And I did that many times because I would much rather take it than to watch it. And that's how I sort of dealt with it over the years until I finally challenged my father at 15 and discovered he was a coward after all.
Tavis: Mm-hmm. So what happens at 15 when you challenge your father?
Rivers: I, you know, took him on physically, and my father crawled onto the ground and got in a fetal position and he never fought back. But that night I left home, because I figured he was going to come back with a gun because I had just changed the dynamics in the household. And I lived on the streets for a few days and that's where--you know that African saying it takes a village to raise a child--I am that child. You know, my high school in Miami, Coral Park, took me in and gave me 7 homes to live in. And they turned a kid that was a gang member and just a kid who was homicidal and suicidal into the class president, to a scholarship-bound athlete, and it's a remarkable story, and that's why I want to share it, because I want to encourage others to say, you know, a little bit of intervention can go a long way. And we have so many young men and women out there that we're losing just because we're not giving them that attention that maybe is lacking at home. And I hope my book will represent that, too. It'll be a catalyst for discussion and change on some of these issues.
Tavis: So you leave home at 15. What happens to the mother and siblings you left behind?
Rivers: Well, my mom actually had just recently divorced my dad after he had kidnapped us from Los Angeles to Miami. And I was granted a restraining order. I took my dad to court and got, back then they called it a peace bond. But times are different, so they left the rest of the children with him, but little by little, each one of them were able to get out and sort of find their own path and all 5--there were 6 kids, one didn't survive, but the 5 surviving siblings have all broken the cycle of violence, which is a very rare story in that.
Tavis: How do--I have 9 brothers and sisters, and every family has their own secrets.
Rivers: Right.
Tavis: That's just part of being a family.
Rivers: Right.
Tavis: And as you well know, you can choose your friends, you can't choose your family.
Rivers: That's correct.
Tavis: It's just--It is what it is. I can imagine, though, that if I were about to write a book that disclosed all of my family secrets, that I might not necessarily have the support of my 9 brothers and sisters for putting all of our business in the street. So how did your siblings, how have your siblings responded to your telling this story, not just in this book, but in Congress, anyplace you get a chance to talk about it? Because you're passionate about it, Victor Rivas Rivers talks about this. How does your family deal with that?
Rivers: All right. You know, they've all been very supportive, but the most important person, who I left for last when I asked to get permission to speak on this issue and to write this book was my mother, who's a very private person, and I didn't even get a sentence in when she stopped me and she said, 'If you can save one person from being subjected to the torture that was our life, then whatever loss of privacy we experience would be worth it.' and that was the greatest amount of support I could get, and that's why when people say who are some of your heroes, my mom is at the top of that list, because she had to witness and endure so many things only because she feared for our lives and she didn't want to leave us alone and--because we weren't getting any help at that time, so they have been very supportive, and as a matter of fact, a couple of them are involved in shelters in their own hometowns so...
Tavis: Tell me finally here, you mentioned that this community in Miami, your high school and the community took you in. You went on to play college football and professional football and now you're an actor. Tell me, during those dark days, how you were able to start the process of becoming so well-adjusted. Because a story like this, to your point, can send people into--send them in a trajectory, a downward spiral and they sink into the abyss. You came out all right, but what was most important? What was that singular moment or person that helped you begin the process of being well-adjusted as a human being given what you'd gone through?
Rivers: I would say the last family that took me in, the Echevarria family who--their son Steven Bauer is now an actor who was in 'Scarface' and lots of films--and Steven's family took me in, and they were the first family to actually physically touch me, and I was able to cry with them and I was able to talk and talk and talk, and that was part of the process of being able to sort of, you know, knock off the layers and discover who the person was inside, and that's the person who I am today. That's who I was supposed to be from the get-go was a compassionate, loving, peaceful man and not somebody who was ready to take your head off at any time.
Tavis: Yeah. It takes a great deal of courage and conviction and commitment to write a book like this, but Victor Rivas Rivers has all the above and has done just that. The book is titled 'A Private Family Matter: A Memoir.' Victor, thanks for the courage to write this. I'm glad to have you on the program.
Rivers: My pleasure, Tavis.
Tavis: All the best. Up next on this program, actress and filmmaker Rosanna Arquette. Stay with us.
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