It takes a bit of savvy and a couple of semi legal maneuvers to survive on the road here in the Bay Area, home to the country's third worst commute. So purely in the public interest I have compiled a list of driving hints for those of you in desperate need to get to work on time just to make sure the people forced to do your share don't screw up. If you follow this advice I guarantee you will get there at least in time to punch out.

• Do everything you can to avoid getting stuck behind Volkswagen vans sporting public television bumper stickers. Fake an accident if you have to.
  
• Remember, yellow means step on it and the first second of red is really pink.
• If you can't see a head but only two gnarled hands on the steering wheel of the car in front of you, move at least two lanes away immediately. If you can see a hat, one lane is fine.
• Use your time wisely. Don't try to write notes for the early staff meeting while you're headed towards the freeway. Wait until actually on the freeway.
• It really doesn't matter which lane you pick at a toll booth, yours will be the one where the booth operator goes on break, or idiot boy in the Trans Am tries to pay with Canadian pennies and food stamps. The other lanes will always pass you in a blur. Keep reading matter handy.
• Drive naked. Dress when you arrive. Makes the whole thing seem to go faster.
• Lane markers and speed limits are merely suggested guidelines. Any cop will understand if you explain you're in a real hurry.
• Play music loud enough to drown out all incoming noises, and make sure windows are rolled down so you can share your excellent taste with roadmates.
• Hand gestures are an underutilized way for drivers to communicate with each other. Practice them.
• If you see the driver next to you talking on a cell phone, honk the horn and make a sudden swerve at him just to insure he's alert. He will thank you for it later.
• Stopping for food can lose you valuable time. Eat in the car. Those little Fry Babies now come with cigarette lighter attachments.
• Remember a relaxed driver is a good driver. Perhaps a good stiff drink before heading off will help.
• Create a diversion before attempting to use carpool lane while alone. Preferably something involving pyrotechnics.

Will Durst figures the odds of getting caught are around 75 to one.