Job Wanted
Wednesday, July 13, 2005
|
|
|
July 13, 2005
Executive Search Committee Board of Directors Any Corporation Anytown, USA
Dear Searchers:
I know you've had a tough time lately, but I think I can help you out. I understand what you've been through. You were plugging along, respected for your segment leading product and posting consistent growth numbers, year after year, of 5% to 10%, depending on economic conditions. But the analysts weren't satisfied. The newsletter writers criticized your free-of-debt balance sheet and large cash position. And the day traders laughed at your fully funded pension plan.
So when the investment bankers proposed a merger with the fast growing company down the block, you said, "yes." Sure, it turns out that your product didn't work with theirs because yours had a clockwise turning plug while theirs had a counter-clockwise turning socket, but what the heck. How would a board director know that? Besides it was really their hotshot young CEO you wanted, wasn't it? The guy the bankers said would find synergies and unleash the hidden value in your company?
He did the job, at least at first, driving earnings up at double-digit rates. Of course you know now he did it by laying off workers, cutting costs on quality and ending those pesky payments to the pension fund. And once you learned the SEC was looking into accounting practices at the fast growing company down the block prior to the merger, you decided to cut the young hotshot loose.
Of course, you had to pay a pretty penny to get him to go. There's that $30 million severance; the immediate vesting of his stock options; the retirement benefits including a generous pension; his kids get the keep the orthodontia and you forgave the multi-million dollar loan you didn't know the company had given him for his luxury home.
Now you've restated earnings, narrowly escaped bankruptcy and are busy searching for a new CEO. So you've joined the group of company boards that seems to grow without end; boards that fire chief executives for reasons ranging from poor performance to criminal activity and still pay millions of dollars to him, or her, as they go out the door.
This is where I can help. I propose you hire me for the job. It is true that I am only a reporter, not a high powered CEO like the guy you just let go. But I do have some impressive college degrees and my salary demands are modest.
Here's the best part of the deal, I promise that I will not screw up the company. How can I be so sure? Easy. I won't come in to work. It has been my experience that the line workers and their immediate supervisors usually know how to do the job and properly motivated by decent pay and benefits, they will be just fine by themselves.
After a few years, you'll realize that you can let me go without a second thought and that the company will still run and even thrive. Of course, you will have to pay me $30 million to get me to go. But you're used to that, aren't you?
Sincerely,
Scott Gurvey
