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| WORST CASE SCENARIO | |
 March 22, 2001 
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ROGER ROSENBLATT: The book begins with the word "warning," then adds: "Do not attempt to undertake any of the activities described in this book by yourself." The hell I won't. Why would one acquire this remarkable little guide unless one lived in a world where it was indispensable? "The Worst Case Scenario Survival Handbook." That's its name and that's its game. Joshua Piven and David Borgenicht are the authors' names, and here is merely some of the information they provide: How to escape from quicksand. How to win a sword fight. How to perform a tracheotomy. How to leap from a bridge or cliff into a river; how to fend off a shark. See what I mean? One might criticize this book as a tad defensive. But so are the Bible, the Koran, and the Bhagavad-Gita. And this one leaves those others in the dust. Example: "How to Escape From a Bear." The authors advise: "Lie still and quiet; an attack often ends after the person has stopped fighting" -- which has been my problem from the get-go. I see a bear, I give him a shot to the snout, in no time there's a donnybrook. Example: "How to Land a Plane." Unfortunately, the advice here does not apply to commercial airliners, which are the kind I usually travel in. But the first three steps seem easy enough. 1) Drag the pilot out of the pilot's seat; 2) Take your place at the controls; 3) Put on the radio headset and yell "Mayday! Mayday!" The intermediate steps seem to require more skill. But the last one, after I've landed the plane, is both doable and courteous: The book says, "Get out as soon as possible and take the pilot with you." Example: "How to leap from a motorcycle to a car." I can't count the times I've tried that one, and landed square on my you-know-what. On and on this wonderful guide goes. How to jump from a building into a dumpster; advice for those who can no longer afford the rent, I suppose. How to deal with a charging bull; it says, "Do not antagonize the bull" -- always my error. How to deliver a baby in a taxicab. Could I try that motorcycle trick again? How to take a punch; easy, don't read the reviews. In fact, the measure of any truly great book is the wider applications of its thesis. The guide tells us how to escape from a sinking car-- it might also include a sinking credit card and more socially useful situations: How to escape from one more movie about aliens or dead people. How to sit through a performance of 'Nsync without putting a pistol in your mouth. How to endure a German opera. How to survive a conversation with a happy person. How to survive more news about Madonna. How to escape from anyone who says: "You're toast." Behind this book lies the premise that one must always to prepared for calamity, that life is relentlessly imperiling. And anyone who has tried life must concede that this is true, even in my sedentary profession. Example: How to identify a bomb. The book goes into careful detail about bomb identification, but I need no instruction on this one. How to identify a bomb-an essay by Roger Rosenblatt -- nobody claps. The audience yawns expansively. The TV sets turn off at the announcement. I'm Anne Taylor Fleming. |
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