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Being
Young and HIV Positive in America |
Posted:
11.30.06
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At the age of 16, Brett's life changed forever when he tested
positive for HIV. Now an 18-year-old college freshman in North
Carolina, Brett reflects on life as a positive youth and his battle
against the stigma of the virus.
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The first thought that comes to mind when I think about being
HIV positive is that the statement itself is an oxymoron. I find
it comical because those of us who are HIV positive are met with
so much negativity.
 No
matter how much I wish I could turn back the clock, to that time
when I wasn't positive, the truth remains that I am suffering.
Not so much from the disease but from the attitude that those
around me posses. I go through each day hoping that the past three
years have been nothing more than just a dream.
I was only sixteen when my perception of life, love, time, and
trust were skewed beyond repair. Till this day I don't really
know what prompted me to get tested. I guess I just opened my
eyes to the unsafe behaviors I had been engaged in. I'm glad I
got tested though, it may have just saved my life; if you ask
me it's not knowing that'll do you harm.
I used to wonder, during most of the first year after diagnosis,
what my life would be like had I not contracted the virus. However,
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason; I believe
my reason for being positive is to speak for others who cannot
speak for themselves.
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An isolating
illness |
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There are many different issues that positive youth face. For
myself, I can attest to the lonely feeling that everyone feels
at least once in life. Being a positive youth, I can say that
the feeling never goes away. I now understand the concept of being
in a room full of people and feeling utterly alone.
Don't get me wrong; my life isn't some depressing Hollywood mockup
of what living with HIV should be. In fact it's quite different.
For instance, although my family and I have our moments I couldn't
ask for a better support system. I do realize that many do not
have that kind of support at home so I know that I am one of the
lucky ones. However, the fact still remains that I feel alone.
I can still remember the instance when I finally told someone
who was not a part of my family that I was positive. The response
wasn't what I thought it would be. Like most people, I had become
polluted by cultural stereotypes into thinking that no one would
accept me or continue to be my friend.
For my first release, which is what I call disclosing to another
person, there was no hostility or false sympathy. Just a simple
reply: "But you don't even look sick." Now I can look
back at that moment and laugh. However, it still saddens me that
people believe if you're positive that you should be covered with
sores, and blotches of your skin should be massively discolored.
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Being treated
differently |
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When I walk around my college
campus I can't help but wonder who knows and who doesn't know. It's
as if I walk around with this invisible sign testifying my status.
The truth is that some days it does feel as if everyone knows or
that people have changed the way they behave around me.
Just recently I visited two friends of mine in their dorm room suite.
While visiting, I asked if I could use their restroom. They said,
"Sure thing, no problem." Unbeknownst to me they both
knew of my status. One of my friends- whom is educated about HIV
and other STD's- didn't give my presence in her restroom a second
thought. The other friend in question told her not to use the restroom
until the whole place was bleached clean. It was explained to her
that she couldn't catch the virus that easily, but she still treats
me a little funny, always maintaining her distance.
People need to realize that there is no one as fragile as a positive
youth. The slightest sign of abandonment leaves us so perplexed
that there sometimes is no recovery.
There has been only one incident of betrayal for me and I try to
assure myself everyday that it will be the last. The truth is that
it may not be.
When I speak of betrayal, at least in my own life, I'm referring
to a person whom I trusted with my status who misused that trust.
She told my roommate that I was HIV positive, without my consent.
I had only known this new roommate for a total of three days. She
tried to justify her so-called slip of the tongue by saying that
if I was going to be living with him he deserved to know.
There is no way that the boy would have been in danger- if anything
he was more of a threat to me. A normal runny nose for someone without
HIV may very well turn into a week in bed or an intense visit to
the hospital for me. |
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Facing fears
and the future |
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The past year has been hard, at best, but I have come to the
epiphany that life is nothing more than one big learning experience.
All we can do is make our mistakes and then learn from them.
The hardest part about being a positive youth is that although
my diagnosis has engendered my mental and emotional growth there
is still the ever-present feeling of adolescence and innocence.
Kids, as we all know, are cruel. They'll harass you about weight,
clothes, hair, and sexual orientation, among other things. I think
my biggest fear is walking the courtyard and having someone call
out some derogatory term referring to my status. I think that
would simply crush me.
But regardless of the thoughts of others I know that my diagnosis
is no death sentence. I'm happy, healthy, and plan to live my
life to the fullest extent.
--Brett,
18, is a freshman at a university in North Carolina.
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Both performances were incredibly underwhelming, and offered no real reason for Americans to change their votes. Neither candidate seemed willing to go out on a limb to garner support.
