Soldiers Face Stresses of War

One of the most difficult parts of any combat deployments is the attempt to reconnect with family upon homecoming. Immediately upon his return, the veteran might not understand his own tendencies to withdraw, isolate himself, and avoid situations that trigger memories of the trauma. Often, this period of time only serves to drive distance between the returning veteran and the people who love him.

I tell spouses that the most important thing they can do is to be patient. Realize that he might be suffering, and take it slow. I do encourage family members to ask open-ended questions about the veteran's experience, as a way to break the ice and display that you care. Something like: "Tell me about a typical day out there," or "What's an example of a time that was really hard for you?"

Respond as truthfully as you can. Often it is very therapeutic for the veteran to see and engage with the emotion he sees in the eyes of someone he knows and trusts. The key is to make the interaction safe for him. It is very important to withhold judgment, be with him in the moment, and realize that what he has seen and done might be unimaginable to you. Encourage him to help you imagine, so you can be with him on his journey to integration and healing.

Maureen,

First, families should arm themselves with knowledge about how relationships change, what posttraumatic stress issues look like, and how to cope with these changes. Family members should seek out supportive relationships within the community and with their family and friends while the soldier is deployed and maintain those relationships after the soldier returns. The family should expect changes in the relationship dynamics. There is no "going back to the old relationship." Soldiers may not want to talk to loved ones about combat experiences because they want to protect loved ones from such horror and/or the memories are too upsetting. Don't push. But if the soldier becomes more distant and/or depressed, or impaired to the point that normal day to day functioning is impaired or impacted, then gently encourage the soldier to get help. Sometimes, seeking treatment as a family member to deal with the soldier's return, and then "inviting" the soldier to the therapy session to act as a support, is a good way to allow the soldier to test the waters of treatment. If the stories or comments are upsetting to family members, let them know (again, the soldier should have someone to talk to, but it may not be the family member). Do not judge the "good or bad" of their experiences. Listen to them and accept the soldier as someone who did the best they could in a situation that most cannot comprehend.

Most importantly, if a family member feels that the home situation/soldier is unsafe due to the soldier's behaviors, tell someone and seek a safer environment. I am not advocating/suggesting in any way to end the relationship, but to ensure the family is safe (physically and/or psychologically) until the soldier regains control and enters treatment (if needed).