Most experts advise that parents should establish rules and limits with regard to the amount of time kids spend in front of screens. I agree. But it matters how we do this.
Join in the screen time fun. My first recommendation may seem counterintuitive: parents should take a genuine, enthusiastic interest in what kids are doing on their screens, especially the games they are playing. Our interest is not in the service of monitoring the content of their games, but in learning about them and why kids like them, as with anything in which a child expresses interest. I also recommend that parents play electronic games with their children. Watch your child play and ask him to teach you the game. Most children, even early adolescents, want their parents to watch them play these games, so they can show off their skill.
Our genuine interest in their electronic games does not encourage kids to play these games more often. Instead, it invites more conversation (and therefore, eventually, more effective limit setting). Children are also more willing, at a later time, to engage with us in interactive, nonelectronic play.
Before setting limits, ask kids for their ideas. As with almost all family problems, we will be more successful in solving the problem of screen time when we engage kids in the search for solutions. Most children recognize the need for some reasonable limits on their access to screens and are willing to engage in a discussion of what limits would work best for them. When we incorporate some of their suggestions into a family plan, they have part ownership in the plan; they are therefore more likely to cooperate and less likely to be secretive and defiant.
Create screen-free hours for the entire family. This recommendation is an extension of advice I routinely offer families with regard to homework—to create a library hour in the home, in which all electronics are turned off for the entire family.
Many experts on Internet addiction recommend placing limits on the number of hours kids spend in front of screens. For young children, this is the right approach, following guidelines offered by the American Academy of Pediatrics. For older children, however, these limits are often difficult to monitor and enforce (and impossible to enforce when children are at a friend’s house). The unintended result is more frequent argument and negotiation, the last thing that most families need.
Establishing nonscreen hours usually works better. During these hours, parents should substitute playtime for screen time. Play card games and board games; do puzzles and drawing, building and wrestling. Most children, despite some perfunctory protest, still prefer interactive play with a parent to watching television or playing video games, with all the benefits for their social and emotional development that ensue.
In this way, we begin to instill important life lessons. We have established a principle of self-discipline. Kids learn that they can have all the benefits of screens—entertainment, ready access to information and social sharing—with less urgent need for immediate gratification, a crucial nutrient for their future emotional health.