Expert Q&A

Celebrating Black History All Year Long!

2012-02-10T21:13:42Z

February is a great time for children to explore and celebrate Black history and culture through books. But wouldn't it be great for kids to be interested and excited about African-American history, culture and experiences throughout the year? When I attended segregated schools in the mid-fifties and early sixties, Negro History Week (which became Black History Month in 1976) was the most exciting time of the school year for me. I was inspired by the school-sponsored Black history essay and oratory contests, classrooms competing to display the most creative Black history bulletin boards, and teachers decorating classrooms and hallways with photographs of distinguished Black heroes and sheroes. My Friend Maya Loves to Dance, the narrator of the story admires the grace, energy and determination of a young Black girl who has a typical childhood dream of becoming a dancer. The narrator, however, is not Black. She also has a disability that doesn't allow her to dance with her friend. Yet, through her joy and appreciation of Maya's gifts, the narrator exhibits her own talents in an interesting twist that shows she has strong ownership of her own special gifts, no matter her race or "otherness." Strength of character, resilience, perseverance, fortitude, self-esteem--these are recurring themes of Black History Month and they apply to children everywhere, no matter what their, color, creed or national origin. Following are tips that parents can use to help assure that the Black history material they select for and with their child is meaningful and relevant this Black History Month and throughout the year. Buy a book by a Black author or illustrator and make it a part of your child's permanent collection. Books offer a fun and easy way to introduce your children to new cultures and help them explore the experiences of people from different backgrounds. Look for books that are inclusive and reflect the diversity of our communities. Books help illustrate that diversity is a natural part of everyday life. Don't forget to read the books for general accuracy. Check copyright dates and be sure to avoid outdated, stereotypical and irrelevant content. When and if children ask questions about race, don't sweep differences under the rug.Give children simple, concrete explanations when they have questions about differences. Select books that affirm a valued place for all children. Try to find books that will help prepare children for the complex world in which they live. Make a note of the author's perspective. Who is telling the story? Is the author sensitive to the culture that is being described? Has accurate research been done to capture the culture that is being written about? Make sure your selections include contemporary stories.Black History Month is celebration of not just history, but of culture and experiences, which are readily reflected in picture books, chapter books, and poetry. Don't limit selections to biographies and non-fiction. Contemporary fiction can encourage your child to make new friends, relate to classmates and neighbors and understand current cultural experiences. Seek the suggestions and guidance from knowledgeable cultural experts, booksellers and librarians. Coretta Scott King award winning titles are always a good place to start for excellence in text and illustrations. Buy books from independent presses that specialize in books by and about Black people, as well as books from larger, more commercial publishing houses. Speak up when you hear bias remarks. A simple response could be, "That language or word or comment is not acceptable. Please do not repeat it." Discuss the books with your children to show that you are interested in what they are reading and learning. Use Black History Month as a starting point to introduce children to more books that reflect other cultures and ethnicities, but celebrate Black history and cultural diversity all year long. How do you celebrate Black History Month with your children? What are your favorite books or authors? I look forward to hearing from you.]]>

Forming a Love of Family History

2012-02-01T15:00:54Z

One of the transformative moments of my life occurred when my grandfather, Edward Gates, died in 1960. I was ten years old. Following his burial, my father showed me my grandfather's scrapbooks. And there, buried in those yellowing pages of newsprint, was an obituary--the obituary, to my astonishment, of our family matriarch, an ex-slave named Jane Gates. "An estimable colored woman," the obituary said, also mentioning that she had been a mid-wife. "That woman was Pop's grandmother," my father said, quietly. "She is your great-great-grandmother. And she is the oldest Gates."

]]> I was fascinated. I wanted to know how I got here from there: from the mysterious and shadowy preserve of slavery in the depths of the black past. I became obsessed with my family tree, and peppered my father with questions about the names and dates of my ancestors, which, ever so dutifully, I wrote down in a notebook.

I knew I had white ancestors. My father, his six brothers, and their sister, were clearly part white. I wanted to learn the names of both my black and white ancestors. I remember poring over ads in the backs of magazines that encouraged readers to send in their names and twenty dollars or so, in exchange for one of those colorful European coats of arms, the sort one would see hanging on the wall of a castle in England. I thought about ordering one for the Gates family. I knew it wouldn't have anything to do with me, necessarily, but who could be sure? As I got older, I even allowed myself to dream about learning the name of the very tribe we had come from in Africa.

I became an historian, in part, I think, out of this desire to know myself more fully, which, of course, over time became a desire to understand others as well: to learn about the past of my people, the African American people, and, ultimately, the past of my nation. Finding my own roots has been my lifelong quest ever since my grandfather's funeral. But there was always a problem in this search. And if you're black, and have tried to trace your roots, you know it well: slavery. Slavery was, among many other evil things, a systemic effort to rob blacks of all family ties and the most basic sense of self-knowledge. With very few exceptions, each slave had one name only, a first name. And, good luck building a family tree for somebody who only has one name.

After decades of being frustrated by this experience, I decided to do something about it. Over the past four years, I have been producing a documentary series for PBS called African American Lives, which traces the family histories of prominent African Americans back to slavery and beyond. We track down every little scrap of paper we can find about our subjects, and when the paper trail ends, inevitably, in the abyss of slavery, we look at something that our ancestors from Africa brought with them that not even the slave trade could take away: our distinctive strands of DNA. With cells collected from the insides of our mouths, geneticists can compare our genetic material to DNA samples taken from people on the African continent. The process is a bit like matching finger prints on "CSI."

The series was a risky experiment at first--no one had tried this before-- but it has turned out to be a remarkably rewarding experience. I have learned more about myself and my people than I ever imagined possible. And I am very curious, to see what you all think about this work.

As a parent, as well as an historian, I also encourage you to introduce your children to their family history. A great way to start is by showing them photo albums and scrapbooks from the past. That's how my father got my attention. Look for family documents such as obituaries, birth certificates, diplomas - - anything that might show your ancestors' names and details of their lives. Talk to older family members. Track down distant relatives. And, write everything down! You might also want to check out A Beginner's Guide to Tracing Your Roots for more ideas.

If you've already introduced your children to their ancestry, how did you go about it?

Reaping the Many Benefits of Family Dinners

2012-01-20T19:18:34Z

As a therapist, I often see families at my home office in the late afternoon. Many days, as I race downstairs, hoping to restore the brittle ties between moody teens and their discouraged parents, I throw a chicken into the oven first. As the smells build, I have the fantasy of saying: "Don't waste your time here. Go home right now and cook a meal and eat it together. Here are some recipes. Now, go." Instead, I often make mealtime a focus of therapy, and I have found that many disconnected families find their way back to each other through a nightly commitment to family dinners. Why this zeal about family dinners? ]]> 1. You can tell a lot about your family from your dinnertime ritual. Spend five minutes talking about your family's dinner. Who sits where at the table, and how were the seats chosen? Who decides the menu, and what happens if someone doesn't like the meal? What do you talk about at dinner? Are there topics or emotions that are taboo? What is the symbolic meaning given to food? Who shops, cooks, serves, cleans up? And what do these roles say about your family's ideas about gender roles? How is dinnertime protected from technology, like texting at the table, answering the phone, watching TV? What did you want to carry forward from the family you grew up in? 2. Family dinner is play. Mealtime is to families what sex is to couples, what music is to adolescents, and what water and sand are to toddlers. Mealtime is a medium of play - a way for families to have pleasure with one another. It's important that the cook (or cooks) not feel overburdened or unappreciated, that children feel that their food preferences are considered, and that all family members have a chance to speak at the table. You might ask: "What would make dinnertime more fun?" 3. Change the routine as your children grow. Your child's appetite, ability to cook, and readiness to participate in dinner conversation all change dramatically from infancy through young adulthood. When you have toddlers, that is a critical time to start regular family dinners, despite the challenge of sitting still for long. Serve food family-style in bowls that youngsters can reach out and try, and allow your kids to see you eating food with gusto. Don't use reward or punishment to encourage eating, and know that toddlers may need up to 15 presentations of the same food before they try it. Any child who "helps" to make dinner is more likely to want to try it. The whole process of mixing, stirring, and making a mess fascinates young children, so let them stir the soup and crumble the cheese. As your children become school-aged, they are learning to share and compromise. At dinner, they will want to make meal choice fair and will want equitable airtime to speak. As they become more aware of the world around them through watching TV and visiting other children's houses, they may want to experiment with new foods. It can be fun to recreate foods they've eaten elsewhere, like making pizza or tacos. And they can start to be critical consumers, engaging in questions like why do TV ads advertise fast food? Or, why do schools offer unhealthy foods? During adolescence, family dinners tend to decrease, although most teens will concede that they enjoy having dinner at home. The dinner hour may need to be more flexible to accommodate sports practices and play rehearsals, or family meals may move to other times, like late-night snacks. Since adolescence is a time of exploration and separation, your kids may declare that they have food preferences that are unlike yours. When my sons became teens, they both started cooking red meat, delighting their father and differentiating them from me, a lifelong avoider of red meat. Agree that dinner will be off limits for discussing conflicts, like curfews or whose turn it is to take out the trash. 4. Pay attention to table conversation. Talk at the table is one of the richest language experiences of your child's life, and it's just the kind I try to foster in therapy--everyone taking turns, telling stories, offering explanations, listening to each other. When else besides around the table (or in therapy) do we sit and talk for several minutes, with family members offering lots of different comments on one topic? Make sure that the quieter members can speak without interruptions, and that you add variety to table talk - not only what you did at school today, but also talk about what ingredients are in the food, and about funny, poignant, and courageous stories about other family members. This is a great time to remember how your family emigrated or a difficult life choice that Uncle Albert made, or how your grandparents met and decided to elope. Dinner is also a time to talk about plans for the future, politics, the neighborhood, and music. So, let's talk about your family dinners--What do your dinners say about your family, and how do you get your family to eat together?

Inspiring Kids to Love Their Differences

2012-01-03T23:19:14Z

Over the Christmas holidays, my husband Marcus, our 7-year-old daughter, Alex and I found ourselves in a local coffeehouse. This particular cafe also happens to be famous for making some of the best cupcakes in Houston, so it was a little treat for us to have hot chocolate, cappuccinos and dark chocolate cake balls so early in the chilly December Day. Literally. About 10 teenage girls and women, complete with tiaras and staggeringly high heels, walked into the store with an entourage of parents, friends, photographers, make-up artists and other hangers-on, and began ordering cupcakes. Then, lipstick on and sashes arranged just so, they began pouting and posing with their cupcakes for the cameras as my little girl stared, gape-mouthed in awe. The feminist in me was on high alert: while I said nothing (and truly, all indications were that the beauty queens were polite, smart, and lovely people), I immediately began composing the conversation that I would be having with her later in my head, about how certainly physical beauty is nice, but it's not everything, and that judging people solely on their appearances is rather shallow, and to quote a rather brilliant man, people should be judged on the content of their character and honey, by the way, did I ever tell you about some of the great activists and feminists in history? Because we should talk about... ...but again, I said nothing. Later that afternoon, Alex came into my room. "Mom, you know what was really cool about seeing those beauty queens?" she asked. I straightened up, steeling myself to have that talk that I had so brilliantly rehearsed in my head. "What's that?" I asked, a tad shakily. "Some of them had brown skin. And some had white skin. They all looked different. That was cool." Oh. "Well, um... you're right, Alex!" I stammered. "It just goes to show that beauty comes in all shapes and sizes and colors and differences. Yes, you're absolutely 100% right." I saved my feminism speech for another time -- the truth is I was thrilled at what she had taken from the encounter at the coffeehouse. As a parent, it can be so hard to convince our children that the differences they have are sources of true beauty, particularly during a time in their lives when conformity among their friends is valued, and uniqueness or individuality can sometimes be ostracized. And as long as I'm being totally honest, even though I wrote a book on the subject, I'm not entirely sure that the concept of different-as-beautiful can necessarily be fully understood until a certain age and considerable experience have been acquired. That said? Nothing should stop us from trying. So my challenge to all of us parents, as we begin a brand new year, is to resolve to tell our kids how inspiring they are -- and not just in a generic way, but in a really specific, customized, and most importantly, honest way. We should look for and find the things at which they excel -- the way they throw a baseball, the way they make us laugh, the way they're kind to other kids -- and we should make a big deal out of it. When they're upset because other kids are picking on them for some attribute or another, we should point out the positive side of their differences (how they make them more sensitive or caring, for example), or simply reiterate the characteristics that make our kids generally awesome. And we should do this as frequently as possible, so that eventually, one day, our kids see -- and believe -- the unmitigated power in their differences, and learn to use those differences for good and not evil. Because I'm convinced that as parents, we all have the opportunity and the power to raise superheroes. Even if they also happen to be beauty queens. ]]>

Serving Up Spoonfuls of Gratitude

2012-01-03T19:36:12Z

Recently, while attending a baby shower, one of the gifts to the soon-to-be new mom were note cards that accompanied each receiving blanket and basket of rattles, wipes and new baby gear, each offering sage advice from guests - the seasoned moms present. The tips ranged from "never let your kids sleep in your bed," to "take advantage of relatives wanting to babysit and take a break for yourself." But, the resounding theme was to embrace the small,

Start with prayer. Sit down with your child and ask him or her to create a prayer of thankfulness. Provide a simple starting point: "Thank you for..." Then, ask your child to draw a picture to go with the prayer.

Practice gratitude affirmations with your children. This is another way to help them unlock the fullness of life through gratitude. Take time every day, at the dinner table or right before bed, to encourage your child to share what she is grateful for that day. Create your own affirmations, too: "I am grateful today that even in my child's illness, having her home from school allowed me to show her my love and gave us the time to just be together for a day." "I am grateful that my two-year-old's feistiness demonstrates she's fully alive, healthy and doing what two-year-olds are supposed to be doing."

Encourage your family to look forward to sharing the moments in their day for which they are grateful. The practice of gratitude is a tool that they will be able to depend on throughout their lives, allowing them to meet challenges along the way with courage and grace.

Just think what the world would be like if all parents raised their children with an attitude of gratitude! What ways do you demonstrate gratitude and the art of saying thank you to your children? Do you have any daily gratitude rituals?]]>

How Parents Can Navigate Their Finances During the Holidays

2011-12-13T16:36:18Z

The holiday season is quickly approaching. While it is a wonderful time of the year, many parents find themselves filled with stress, anxiety, pressure or guilt -- especially if their finances are tight. Children don't make it any easier, as they constantly recite the list of games, toys and electronics they're expecting. 1. Manage expectations. Many times, children's expectations for holiday gifts are obtained from friends, classmates or from watching television. Be realistic: Let your children know your financial situation and give them a price limit for holidays gifts. If they can only get one big gift or one toy, tell them as soon as possible. If your children still believe in Santa, buy several small gifts from the dollar store (gifts that actually cost a dollar). Also, help your kids understand that receiving gifts doesn't mean a better holiday experience; spending time with loved ones is the most important thing. 2. Create a budget. Set a spending limit for your holiday shopping including groceries, gifts, etc. This will reduce your chances of going into debt and relieve the stress of having to buy things that aren't in your budget. Don't go into debt trying to buy gifts for your children. Do they really need a new desktop or laptop, or can they use the one they have until next year? 3. Be strong. Don't give in to puppy-dog eyes, whining or complaining from your children. Stay firm with your decision about gifts for the holidays. Giving in to your children sets unrealistic expectations and does not prepare them for the disappointments that occur in the real world. 4. Be prepared for unexpected gifts. If your children decide to give gifts to their babysitter, teachers or new friends, don't be alarmed. Let your child help you bake cookies or make handmade gifts for those people. 5. If you have an ex-spouse, consult with her or him. Make sure your children are not asking for the same gifts and are not using guilt as a way to get more from both parents. 6. Follow traditions. Continue or start inexpensive family traditions such as cooking or baking special treats together or going through the neighborhood caroling. Another idea is to have your child gather gently used toys to donate. This will get her in the holiday spirit, keep her active and distract her from thinking about all the gifts she wants for the holidays. 7. Volunteer. Consider letting older kids volunteer to help sick children or the homeless. Not only will they learn the meaning of compassion, but it will also help change their perspective about life and what's really important. Other children and families have less than they do. Explain that they should be appreciative of whatever they have. I hope you find these tips helpful. Tell me, what kinds of things are you going to do to save money over the holidays?]]>

Reclaiming the Holidays

2011-11-30T01:27:20Z

At the end of November, I immediately--and frantically--started making to-do lists of presents to buy, searching blogs for holiday meal and craft ideas, looking for cheap flights, and trying to remember where I put my glue gun. The overwhelming feeling of holiday craziness began to wash over me, and I’m not the only one freaking out; eight out of ten Americans experience increased stress during the holiday season. I spend a huge part of every day at The Story of Stuff Project trying to engage a different kind of thinking about our relationship to stuff and our consumer-crazed culture. The irony of me crouching over my desk trying to determine the exactly perfect kind of toxic-laden, superfluous piece of junk to buy for the people who matter the most is not lost on me. ]]>

Sing Out!: Every year my family goes Christmas caroling, and it’s my absolute favorite part of the holiday. None of us are very good, but it’s silly and joyful and festive, and makes me feel connected to my family history. Caroling is something my mother’s family did back when she was a kid and my grandmother before that. Whether you’re singing in the streets, around the fire, with a choir or just about anywhere, music is a great way to share time together. Don’t like those holiday standards? Start a new tradition! Our family favorite is “Lean on Me” which last I checked is not a caroling classic!

Give the Gift of Time: Time is one of the most precious gifts we can give to the people we hold dear. Giving time together reduces the amount of stress-inducing, useless stuff in everyone’s life, builds community and creates a fabulous catalog of memories to look back on. Renée gives her twin nephews the gift of time each Christmas in the form of a trip to the trampoline park or a day at the beach. For older children you can give a ticket to see a favorite band. And it’s not just for kids. How about making a certificate to babysit your best friend’s kids so they can enjoy a night on the town?

Teach a Skill: There is a lot that you can learn from YouTube, but there is no substitution for real, hands-on instruction. Instead of heading to the mall to buy something, you can use this extra time to teach your kid how to make it themselves. Craft a special holiday decoration, teach them to knit or sew or (if you’re feeling ambitious) build a new toboggan to cruise around on that fresh winter snow.

Get Cookin’: Renée and I both come from families that take food pretty seriously. Holidays are synonymous with food, and we love cooking with our families. Whether it’s a kid-friendly cookie recipe for a party or a family recipe handed down for generations, getting kids in the kitchen not only helps them hone new skills but is a great way to spend time together. In my family, each New Year’s Day we celebrate with “lucky foods,” a combination of traditional Pennsylvania Dutch classics like sauerkraut, and extended family favorites black-eyed peas, Mexican Buñuelos and a host of new recipes that make the start of a new year feel special.

What are your ideas for reclaiming the holidays and making this time of year about what you and your family truly values? We’d love to hear from you.

Helping Adopted Children Find Their Identities

2011-11-29T02:27:37Z

Twenty years ago when my husband and I adopted our children from Korea, it was suggested that if we loved them enough they would not crave missing identity elements from their past. Somehow this advice didn't seem right. We wanted to acknowledge our children's experience of often being the only Asian faces among their peers. So, we decided to be the only Caucasian faces among many Asian ones in the Sacramento, California Korean-American community.

You may find friends at your child's school or in your neighborhood. If you see someone who is isolated and struggling to connect, you might be a good bridge. If you find someone who is already well-integrated, you have an excellent role model for your child.

Travel to your child's home land in a way that promotes deeper interaction. Programs that include home stays are wonderful for really getting to know others. If you host an exchange student from your child's birth country, you may have a chance to visit that student in their home.

Get involved in ethnic community organizations. Attend an ethnic church, a cultural fair, or volunteer to help seniors. If you don't give up easily and are open to new ways of doing things, opportunities for making friends will emerge.

Frequent ethnic businesses. Who doesn't appreciate a good and loyal customer? Friendships can evolve.

Make friends through adoption community events. You will have fewer opportunities here. You are asking people to come into your comfort zone rather than entering theirs. But if you become one of the organizers or volunteers, you may find opportunities to connect.

If you've adopted a child from another ethnicity, how are you connecting him with his culture?]]>

Getting Kids to Try New and Healthy Foods

2011-11-11T15:35:42Z

"How do I get my child to eat fruits and veggies?" "Is it okay for my child to take a vitamin supplement and then eat anything he wants?" "My child only eats five foods: chicken fingers, fries, applesauce, cereal and milk." Do any of these questions and comments sound familiar? As a registered dietitian, I hear them on a weekly basis from parents. I am amazed how many "picky eaters" I encounter. I see it from infancy through adolescence. (Actually, I meet plenty of adults, too, who eat the same foods over and over again.) So what are parents to do when their kids are reluctant to try new foods?

When infants are at the stage of trying new foods, offer new foods every few days to see if there are any reactions or allergies. By the time baby is one year old, hopefully, baby has a varied diet of fruits, vegetables, grains and protein foods, including beans, tofu, soft meats and yogurt.

When toddlerhood (and independent eating) arrives, stick with meal times and avoid filling the child up on cheese crackers and milk, or juice before mealtime.

Let your child see you try new foods. Children are copycats, so if you model an interest in trying new things, there's a stronger chance that your child will too.

The most important tip I can give to help get kids to taste new foods is to make sure they are hungry at mealtime! Halt snacking at least 1 to 2 hours beforehand and even longer for older children.

If children are labeled as "picky eaters," guess what? They will be! Let's stop the labeling and eat with our children the most nutritious meals we can provide.

If you're looking for more fun ways to get your kids excited about trying new (and nutritious) foods, see what's cooking at Fizzy's Lunch Lab on PBS KIDS GO! There are lots of great ideas and activities to inspire kids to give new foods a try! I'd love to hear from you. What are your tips and tricks for getting kids to try new foods?]]>

Helping at School When Volunteering Isn't an Option

2011-10-21T14:07:01Z

As you settled into the new school year, did you receive requests to volunteer at your child's school? I thought so! Schools encourage parent involvement primarily because children do better academically and have fewer behavior problems when families are involved. Schools also benefit from the resources and support families can provide, which are particularly important in these economic times.

Make sure you review with your child any work he brings home. Think about displaying it in a prominent place in your home to show how much you value his education.

Schedule occasional phone conferences or ask the teacher if you can "talk" by email when you have a question, concern or something to share.

If your child brings home a weekly folder, include short notes in it for the teacher to read.

Make a point of briefly touching base with the teacher when you drop your child off at school. A quick greeting and comment will continue to let her know you're an active partner in your child's learning.

Ask the teacher how you can support classroom activities at home. You can even make suggestions based on your particular skills or talents. For example, you could offer to:

Help make learning activities or repair broken equipment.
Donate materials.
Use your technology skills to help publish a class newsletter.
Organize or participate in a telephone tree that informs families about school activities.

You might also consider thinking about how you might be present occasionally. If you have a flexible work schedule or a vacation day, consider joining your child for lunch. You might even decide to help out at a one-time event such as a field trip or school festival. Your child will look forward to and remember these special times, and you'll further reinforce the importance of his school experiences. I'd like to hear your ideas about how parents can be involved, without a heavy time commitment. Thank you! ]]>

Steps to Stepfamily Success

2011-10-17T20:46:58Z

Typical multi-home stepfamilies are like intact biological families in many ways. But, they differ structurally, developmentally and dynamically in many ways too. Stepfamilies who aren't aware of these differences risk using biological family norms and expectations to guide their day-to-day lives. That's like trying to play baseball with soccer equipment and basketball rules--guaranteed to create confusion, conflict and stress. Myth #1: "I love you, and I must love your kids." Reality: "I love you and will patiently work at respecting your kids. They and I may never love each other. If we do, it will feel different than biological parent-child love, and that's okay. Myth #2: "Your or my ex-mate is not part of our family!" Reality: "As long as your biological children from your previous marriage live, their other biological parent, and their new mate(s), if any, will emotionally, financially, legally and genetically influence all of your lives. Ignoring or discounting the needs and feelings of these other adults will stress everyone for years. Myth #3: "We're just like a regular biological family." Reality: Not really. Your new extended family and the linking of stepfamily co-parenting homes add up to loads of relatives with many major losses to mourn, and many conflicting values and customs to resolve. You are, however, normal--a normal multi-home stepfamily. Myth #4: "Your or my kids will never come between us." Reality: Stepfamily adults' inability to resolve clashes over one or more step-kids, including related money issues, is the most quoted reason for a stepfamily divorce. Underneath this usually lie your own unhealed wounds. Myth #5: "Stepparenting is pretty much like biological parenting, without the childbirth." Reality: While stepparents' primary goals are about the same as those of biological parents, the emotional, legal and social environments of average stepparents differ in numerous ways. This usually leads to confusion, frustration, and stress, until all the stepfamily adults agree clearly on what each other's key responsibilities are. Myth #6: "Your and/or my biological kids(s) will always live with us." Reality: In about thirty percent of U.S. stepfamilies, one or more minor biological kids move into the home of their other biological parent at some point. The resulting emotional and financial shock waves can be extremely challenging. The key is to build realistic expectations for your new stepfamily homes, roles and relationships. If you don't, ongoing frustrations and disappointments can end up harming your marriage. Learning together what's normal in average stepfamilies--early on--can help considerably. Here are a few more ideas on how to keep your new family on the right track:

Adopt an open learner's mind to new ways of doing things.
Award yourself patience, permission to mess up and learn, and strokes for the smallest triumphs.
Expect some people to misunderstand and to criticize your new values, goals, and plans--or you. Realize they probably are stuck in a biological family mode of thinking. That's their issue.
Keep your emotional knees flexed, hold hands, and enjoy the adventure and challenge together. It's worth it!

Your relatives and friends might mistakenly expect your new household and kin to feel and act like a biological family. They also may not approve of either the prior divorce(s) or the remarriage. Yet, when well run by confidant stepfamily adult teams (not simply couples), this modern version of an ancient family form can provide the warmth, comfort, inspiration, support, security--and often (not always) the love--that adults and kids long for. What's your biggest challenge as a stepparent? How are you dealing with it?]]>

Learning Spanish Through Everyday Activities

2011-10-03T15:17:32Z

A group of children swayed to the steady rhythm of salsa music as they surveyed the store front of a local corner market. It displayed both English and Spanish advertisements, an eclectic lunch menu, and an array of labeled tropical fruits and vegetables. Before heading back to school from our community walk, I asked the group, "What do you notice?" One child responded with sheer delight, "¡Es bilingüe, como nosotros!" ("It's bilingual, like us!"). As a bilingual educator working to promote bilingualism and multiculturalism in the 21st century, I find such examples of cultural and linguistic fusion in the community a great source of pride and encouragement. Now, more than ever, parents ]]>

has a positive effect on intellectual growth and enriches and enhances a child's mental development

leaves students with more flexibility in thinking, greater sensitivity to language, and a better ear for listening

improves a child's understanding of his/her native language

gives a child the ability to communicate with people s/he would otherwise not have the chance to know

opens the door to other cultures and helps a child understand and appreciate people from other countries

gives a student a head start in language requirements for college

increases job opportunities in many careers where knowing another language is a real asset

Raising children who are global citizens means equipping them with the communicative tools to navigate a multilingual, multicultural world. The United States alone has the second largest Spanish-speaking population worldwide, and Spanish is spoken as the official language of 21 countries around the world. Many parents desire to open this world to their children through language but ask: How can I help my child learn a language we don't speak at home?

Even if you do not speak Spanish, there are many ways you can facilitate your child's Spanish language development through meaningful daily activities. Singing songs, cooking, and art-making are simple and fun ways to help children make sense of Spanish language in context.

Here are some ideas on how to support Spanish language learning through these and other activities at home:

Sing, canta, sing! Music has a powerful impact on memory, as well as vocabulary recall and retention. Purchase, download, or check out Spanish children's music from your local library and sing daily!
Enjoy a delicious Latino meal out with your child and then make it at home. Shop for ingredients in a Latino market, and follow simple recipes in Spanish with images (conmishijos →ocio en casa →cocina con niños)
Follow simple directions in Spanish to gather household materials and make culturally relevant crafts and art projects (Icarito →educación artística provides helpful step-by-step photographed instructions).
Ask Spanish speakers you know to commit to speaking Spanish with your child. If your children see that you and others value Spanish, they will too.
Start slow--develop a sight-specific or topic-specific selection of Spanish phrases or vocabulary words and then allocate certain times of the day "Spanish time" to try them -- meal time, bath time, grocery shopping or in the car.
Visit your local library for Spanish story hour. The storytellers generally use a great repertoire of strategies (such as songs, creative movement, and puppetry) to bring the story, and Spanish language to life. While at the library, check out the Spanish version or bilingual copies of your favorite stories (review more bilingual books and authors at Colorín Colorado).
Use Spanish language videos, television, and web-based interactive programs, like PBS KIDS GO! web-original series Noah Comprende to help build familiarity, confidence and interest in learning Spanish.

I'd love to hear your stories, questions, or comments about using these or any other strategies to engage your child in the Spanish language.

Boys' and Girls' Brains: What's the Difference?

2011-09-19T01:36:23Z

My wife and I have two sons and a daughter. We raised Dan, Brian, and Erin during the era when most believed any differences between boy and girl brains were purely the result of socialization. Everyone knew there were no innate differences. Nurture, not nature, was the explanation for any gender specific behaviors. Many parents raising both sexes, however, probably experience what Monica and I did. Try as we might, we could not ignore apparent inborn distinctions. New brain science helps us, as well as millions of other parents, solve the puzzle. Now we know there are differences between boy and girl brains because brain-imaging technology shows the differences in living color. What are some of the differences?

Encourage your sons and daughters to get involved in a wide range of activities.

Foster children's language skills, with special attention to your sons.

Name emotions for your son, helping him to interpret social cues.

Teach both your sons and daughters to deal with anger and aggression in constructive and appropriate ways.

Encourage your daughters to find solutions when they are sad.

Give your daughter toys to build with. Encourage her by creating a story about what you build. Give her experiences with tools.

Encourage your sons to name and talk about their feelings. Model emotional literacy for them with remarks like I'm feeling disappointed that our picnic was cancelled because of the rain."

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Inspiring Kids to Go Green at School

2011-09-06T00:24:11Z

At home, we've taught our kids to turn off the lights when they leave their rooms, recycle cans and bottles, and maybe even scrape their dinner scraps into the compost pile. But what happens when our children head off to school? Next to home, kids spend more time at school than anywhere else, at least six hours a day and maybe more if they participate in after-school clubs or sports. How can we, as parents, inspire our sons and daughters to continue to practice in the classroom what they've learned under our own watchful eyes? First, find out what schools are already up to. It's surprising how many schools have enthusiastically embraced going green. In part, that's because administrators realize that kids learn better in rooms filled with natural light and air that hasn't been tainted by toxic cleaning products. But it's also because practices that reduce waste and save energy - like copying documents on both sides of a sheet of paper and switching to more energy-efficient compact fluorescent light bulbs - save substantial amounts of money, an important consideration in these tight economic times. Ask the facilities manager or principal at your child's school if you can review their environmental or sustainability plan. If they don't yet have one, direct them to the very useful green planning resources available through the National Clearinghouse for Educational Facilities or the U.S. Environmental Protection Agency. Second, form a "Green Team" driven by students but supported by parents and teachers. Together, create a Vision Statement that reflects what being a "green" school means to you all. Then, identify ways to transform your vision into reality. In some cases, it might be a matter of bolstering the school's existing science curriculum to include specific units on the environment. In my community, the green team at the local elementary school has been particularly active organizing students, parents and supportive teachers behind an initiative to replace the cafeteria's throwaway lunch trays with reusables. They've held rallies, testified at school board meetings, enlisted the help of the PTA, and marched in the annual 4th of July parade brandishing the polystyrene disposables they hope to banish. Teens and middle-schoolers elsewhere are recycling electronics and cell phones; planting organic gardens; and restoring wetlands and wildlife habitats that border their playgrounds, among many other ambitious and rewarding activities. Third, involve your kids in greening their personal school experience, starting with supplies. No matter what the age, every single student returns home from the first day of school with a long list of required or desired items teachers want them to use for the next nine months. In virtually all cases, an "eco" version is available, including:

Pens made from recycled plastic, pencils from recycled newspapers, crayons from non-toxic soy and beeswax, and binders, folders, notebooks and looseleaf paper from recycled cardboard and "post consumer waste."
Water bottles made from reusable stainless steel or BPA-free plastic.
Backpacks and lunch boxes free of lead and plasticizers. By the way, have your child make lunch with you the night before, packing sandwiches, crackers, fruit, and cookies in reusable containers.
Antiseptic wipes that contain alcohol rather than an antibacterial agent like triclosan, which has been linked to our growing resistance to antibiotics.

Earth Day was just an occasional event when we parents were growing up. For our kids, Earth Day is every day - not just at home, but at school, too. I'd love to hear what other ideas you have for inspiring your kids to go green. If you'd like to learn more about ways you and your family can "go green" look for a copy of Big Green Purse at your library or local bookstore.]]>

Nurturing Sibling Relationships

2011-08-25T12:44:38Z

When my oldest daughter was seven and her little sister was five, I told them that they could go swimming after finishing a page of homework. After a while, my five-year-old raised two pages of work up in the air and proudly proclaimed, "We can go swimming now! Let's go!" Confused, I asked her what she meant because her older sister was still working on her homework. She replied, "Oh, mommy, we can go swimming now because I did two pages of homework." Wondering if she had misunderstood the guidelines, I pointed in the direction of her sister who was still busily working at her desk. With a proud smile on her face and wide-eyed excitement, my sweet little five-year-old exclaimed, "No, mommy, we can go now because I did two pages: one for me and one for my sister!" count for your sister." With an accepting nod of the head she replied, "OK, mommy, but the love counts, right?" It warms a parent's heart to see love between siblings. When a parent witnesses one sibling choosing to do something loving towards another on his own accord, it creates a deep sense of satisfaction. More than anything else, parents want to see their children get along harmoniously, support each other and be "bestest" friends. Unfortunately, this love between siblings does not always come naturally or easily. Siblings are often squabbling, competing or having less than positive feelings about each other. Left to their own devices, they will bicker to no end. It takes vision, patience, modeling, and encouragement on the parents' part, and plenty of practice on the children's part for the sibling relationship to be a positive one. Yes, children are young, but relationships are real. As much as adults struggle with having positive relationships, children do as well. They need their parents' help. While parents want to nurture a positive relationship between their children, many times they don't know exactly how to go about it. Should they have their children room together so that they will develop a closer bond? Should they insist on their children taking classes together or sharing hobbies? Or should they step back and let their children figure out the relationship and hope for the best? Just like so many other areas in life, children need specific instruction and good modeling to know how to develop good sibling relationships. As most parents know, siblings do not become best friends automatically just because they are living in the same house. Children need parents to help nurture this very important relationship. Try these five tips to help strengthen the connection between your children:

Practice what you preach, because your children are learning more from what you do than from what you say. Instead of shouting at your children to stop shouting, encourage them to use a gentle voice with each other. Use kindness and thoughtfulness in your actions, and your children will be more likely to follow suit.
Does every child in the family get shoes just because one of your children gets his much needed soccer shoes? Do your children always complain that you're not fair? When children complain about something not being fair, what they really mean is that it's not exactly "equal." They want the exact same portion of ice cream as their sibling every time but let's face it, life is not always equal. Explain to your children that fairness means you get what you need, but it doesn't always happen at the exact same time or in the exact same way. And, that's okay.
Siblings need meaningful activities in order for them to have opportunities to work together and have memorable, bonding experiences. If left unattended on a daily basis without goals or focus, frequent conflicts and aggravations are sure to flair up. Bake cookies together. Build forts. Work together as a team toward a common goal. Children benefit greatly when parents help to channel their children's energy into something positive.
Consider whether your children have been together too much for their own good. Allowing each child to have private time in the playroom for a day or letting a child attend birthday parties alone once in a while can be a good thing. Maybe they could benefit from a change in scenery and company.
For siblings who have five or more years between them, it can be more challenging to find connections and opportunities to nurture. Despite the wide gap, it is still very important for them to have a positive relationship and the energy put into this is well worth it. One danger to avoid is giving the older sibling authority over the younger sibling. Of course they should look out for their younger brother or sister but parents need to set the boundary and expectation that siblings are friends first.

As often as you can, intentionally nurture the sibling relationship with good modeling, opportunity, encouragement and teaching. It's impossible for kids to always get along, but at least you now have a few strategies to help create harmony among your kids. What other strategies have worked for you? ]]>