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I pulled out the fluffy pajamas for him to wear to the Super Bowl party last night. His face lit up and then it fell.
K: What's wrong? These are your favorite pajamas that Marmie gave you for Christmas.
E: I know, Mom. But those are for babies (pointing to the movie-themed character that had sustained him and frankly, me, for at least two years).
K: What are you talking about? You LOVE these pajamas and you love this movie.
E: I know, Mom. But my friend says that this movie is for BABIES. Like Mason.
I always wondered how this would go down. I vaguely remember an incident or two when I was really young and someone told me I was "too old" for something. That's the part I remember. I don't remember if I abandoned the toy to my baby sisters or if I continued to play.
K: So what if he thinks it's for babies? Do you like it?
E: (sighing) I do.
K: Then that's all that matters.
E: No, it's not.
K: Ethan, I like that movie. Does that make me a baby?
E: (laughing) NO, MOM!
K: Then why would you liking it make you a baby?
E: Because my friend says it's for babies.
K: Well, I guess you had better go in and tell Dad that HE is a baby because he likes that movie and he LOVES those pajamas of yours. In fact, we discussed how we wished we had such comfy pajamas in our sizes.
E: I'm not going to tell Dad that he is a baby.
K: That's probably a good idea. His feelings would be hurt.
It is at moments like this that I'm glad I am dealing with this now rather than when I was twenty-something. The twenty-something in me would want him to take a stand. Be a CHAMPION FOR THE MOVIE CHARACTER!!! Draw your sword and fall on it for the movie character! The twenty-something in me would would want him to hold onto whatever he loves for as long as he possibly can and at any cost.
The thirty-something in me now realizes that there is something to the adage "pick your battles." And by that statement, I mean myself as well as him. It is okay for him to move beyond the movie as long as he decides that is what he wants to do. It is okay to be too big for something. It is not okay for him to belittle his brother for liking something however. That's the battle I chose to fight. Hopefully I have picked the right battle.
We are on our 4th snow storm for the year here in Central Virginia which is positively crazy! The snow hasn't blessed us with her presence so much since like 1961. While I am still delirious over the snow, the untimely stomach bug sent our cabin fever over the edge. I imagine even all of the brave people in the greater snow areas eventually hit some level of crazy with kids indoors so even as a novice, here are a few ideas to cure the boredom:
1. Stop and play!- Just surrender, stop the chore, task or other productive idea and play. After being interrupted for 5,234th time yesterday I asked the kids if they wanted to play four corners. After we got bored of that, we played hide and seek. Playing with children cures almost always cure every angst you got going.
2. Change the scenery. Bring the outside in. Get a flat under the bed stoarge bin or just a big mixing bowl. Bring a pile of snow inside to sculpt and watch melt. Sticks from the outside or even straws are perfect for constructing tiny snow creations. Throw in some tiny plastic animals to make a snow zoo.
3. Get creative. We are deep into art these days as we recently turned an old sunroom into an art studio. Flip books are our recent latest obsession. You can learn how to make them here. If you are feeling super adventurous, create your own mini-art station or studio on a table for the week. Set out different art supplies everyday inviting new creativity.
4. Read and Watch. There is a big media rule in our house, you must read the book before you see the movie. The kids both loathe and love this rule. There have been a few moments it has been broken but not very often. Being stuck at home is the perfect time to read The Chronicles of Narnia, Harry Potter, or some other gem that has been turned into a moving picture. Thanks to Netflix you can promptly watch the movie and discuss which was better.
5. Cook Together. Put those kids to work! Here are some great ideas about inviting kids into the kitchen and here are some tips for keeping it healthy.
Okay, give us your cabin fever remedies in the comments! We could all use them right about now.
How do you handle it when a grandparent or loved one is dying and you have to decide whether or not to include your children in the experience? How do you know when it's too much? Or whether being exposed to the natural process of losing those we love is a life process that your child is ready to face? How do you deal with your own grief at the same time?
This is a question we've encountered this last week as Madeleine and Carter's great-grandfather on their dad's side is clearly reaching his last days. To make decision-making more complicated, the news came while I'm overseas working on a project. Thankfully, modern technology made a simple text conversation possible. Here's what we decided.
Take age into account. Madeleine, at eleven, is probably more capable of taking in a sad scene, than Carter who is still, at eight, developing language for more emotional events.
Consider the personality. Carter is a natural emotional sponge who takes in visual content deeply. Seeing his grandfather dying might have a different impact on him than Madeleine who handles difficult subjects more directly and expressively.
Look at the family. At this point in our family life, it might be a good bonding experience for Madeleine to spend time with her dad. They both know how to be compassionate and offer their presence in a similar comforting way. With me being away, it might not make sense for me to get on a plane and do another trip--especially when this experience might be too much for Carter.
We decided in the end, Madeleine should go and I should come home and stay with Carter. Since this is a loved one who the children do not know well, we felt it was okay to not have both kids go, since the loss will not be primarily theirs. Madeleine would have the experience of being with family at a difficult time as well as the opportunity to share an important moment with her dad. Carter and I will process in a more conversational way at home.
This is a very sad time, but I trust that Madeleine will be shaped and formed by seeing how deeply loved her great-grandfather is and how important she is to her dad who loves them both so much.
In our family we have several people that are well known for their inability to sit still for long periods of time. Those several people include adults that have been known to build major structures while on vacation because they cannot sit still. For those of us in the family who could sit still for about five days before the thought would even cross our minds to lift a finger, this industriousness is inspiring and exhausting.
Ethan is one of the industrious members of the family. I was reminded of this today when he sighed as he looked out the window.
K: What's wrong?
E: Nothing. I just see that it snowed a LOT.
K: That's good, right?
E: It IS good. It's just that I have a LOT of work to do now.
K: You do?
E: Has anyone seen my shovel?
K: What are you going to do?
E: Mom. Mom. I have a lot of shoveling to do today. Look at all that snow that came in the middle of the night.
K: Um, okay.
E: Who has seen the shovel? Dad?
D: (coming down the stairs) I don't know. I guess it's on the other porch. Why do you need it?
E: I have to shovel the walk. And maybe the driveway. And I have to clean off the cars.
D: (looking at me) Um, okay.
He then proceeded to put three layers of clothes on by himself, found his gloves and put his hat on. Out the door he walked.
K: Did that just happen?
D: I think so. How funny is he?
I looked out the window two minutes later to see how his progress was going. He is almost five, not fifteen. I breathed a sigh of relief at he made a path through the front flower bed instead of the front walk. He saw me and threw a shovel full of snow at the window. His baby brother wandered over to the window and began heckling him. More snow slammed against the window. We laughed and ducked.
It wasn't long before he was conducting experiments to determine which sled provided the fastest ride down the hill of the driveway without hitting either of the cars. He appeared to have an elaborate scoring system. There were sleds, disks and a toboggan. Two minutes later he was shoveling a path again but it appeared to be a trail to nowhere.
His intent might have been to be the grownup in the family and get his "work done." But it was nice to see the nearly five-year-old took over. No use growing up too fast.
"You're down, you're down!" Sam yelled as I rounded the dining room corner. I apparently had accidentally walked into an all out play war. Lego guns and zoob bombs had been constructed and of course, the tiny space gun Jack got the last time we went to Chuck E. Cheese when Aunt Katie was visiting.
It was a playdate, two pairs of brothers and the violent play was pretty intense. They mapped out hiding places and had strategies. Four school age boys running around in our tiny house made it crazy enough, but what about this particular play? Kids have been playing cops and robbers, even the very old cowboys and indians for years but I have to say, violent play has always bothered me.
We have had a pretty strict "no gun" rule in our house, real or toy, up until the space gun. The boys received some wooden swords and shields years ago that seemed okay and gave an outlet for the play. The next christmas they got marshmallow shooters which were actually fun, but other than that we have managed to keep them at bay. Even with all the gun prohibition, lately they just started making their own. I discovered how wildly creative you can be with some cardboard and black electrical tape. Do boys just crave violence?
For whatever reason, I totally surrendered to the play this day, I even pretented to die when I was shot in the hallway and made a joke to please spare the baby. They giggled and ran away, it looked like they were having the time of their lives.
With our recent school troubles and the fact that I grew up in a house of four girls, I wondered if I'm just missing some things about boys. The Raising Boys section turned out to be crazily informative. I found this to be pretty interesting:
"Mothers are always saying to me, 'Why is my son racing around, not talking, and not listening? Why is he obsessed with playing war and shooting? What's happened to my sweet, vulnerable little boy who used to cuddle with me?'" says Michael Thompson, Ph.D. host of the documentary RAISING CAIN and co-author of the book of the same name. "This is a valid question, because no one wants their son to grow up to be violent. But interpreting play as an early indicator of violence is a misunderstanding both of the nature of boy activity and the real journey to violence that some boys undergo."
So now I am off to watch Raising Cain to quiet my mother heart. I'm still not sure about the toy gun issue. What do you think? Do you allow play weapons at your house? What are the rules when it comes to violent play? Share your thoughts about raising boys in the comments.
What do you do when things go right? When major milestones are reached? When stubborn behaviors give way to great new habits? You could reward your kids, but that can get exhausting after awhile. You could use praise, but research shows that verbal rewards can sometimes end up not being particularly effective. Here are a handful of joyful alternates that will help you as a parent let your child see your relief, delight and pleasure in their very important process of growing up.
Woohoo world! You'll have to test the waters and see if this is something your kids like or not. I learned this little form of celebration from a woman named Kirby who routinely opened windows and doors to shout to the world her happiness. Today Carter found his missing jacket and put it right back on the hook where it belonged. After an agonizing series of weeks where getting Carter to take responsibility for his clothes seemed like a herculean task, I felt a "Woohoo" was in order. I opened the back door and yelled for the whole neighborhood to hear, "Woohoo World! Carter put his jacket on the hook without being told!" Carter thought this was really funny and I felt great having a chance to put some volume to my relief that we are finally making progress in this area.
Let me tell you a secret. My kids love it if I call them over for a little whisper in the ear. I use these occasions to tell them how relieved, happy, delighted I am to see a specific way they are learning and growing. It's not praise per se; just an honest account of how i genuinely feel when I see they are conquering their developmental tasks. Ending my whisper with a hug lets my kids know that I'm noticing all the ways they are becoming people who care about their family, friends and neighborhood.
Total appreciation. Sometimes the nicest way to celebrate an accomplishment is with an old fashioned thank you note. Imagine what you would write if your kid was a co-worker who had really given that last project his best. When kids start to take responsibility for their schoolwork, possessions, living space or relationships, it's time to take notice. Make a list of the things that meant the most of you and close with a special thank you. Leave your gratitude note somewhere it can be discovered with joy.
Party down. When things are going well, it's totally worth it to you as a parent to make sure your kids know. Too often we wait for the wheels to fall off the wagon before we communicate how important things are to us. Go out for pizza, eat ice cream together out of the carton--do whatever it takes to communicate to your kids that life (and learning!) are worth celebrating.
These are just four ways to let your kids know that you notice all the ways they are learning, growing and engaging in the world. What else can we add to this list?
This weekend I was in Boston for work. Since Mason is by far the best date ever, I took him with me. That and I am nursing him still so it's not like I could leave him for four days.
The weekend was nearly all work but there were a few moments away from the hustle and bustle.
Early Sunday morning I met Derek's cousin Peggy, her husband Duane and their brilliant son Will for breakfast. I think I only spoke five words for the first five minutes in the restaurant because I was so incredibly tired. Work was stressful and Mason had gotten up twice during the night. It took two cups of coffee before I was even a semblance of my chatty self.
We had such a delightful time catching up over breakfast. Peggy held Mason across the table from me and as he systematically threw everything onto the floor, I offered to take him back. I looked under the table and the chunks of bread were piling up on the floor. I sighed as I thought about cleaning up under yet another table. She chided me slightly and said she was having a ball. I guess when your youngest is 17, you once again find baby antics at public restaurants to be cute.
We laughed and talked and Peggy told stories about her boys growing up. She told me about trips they took hiking and camping. I told her all my obsessions with safety and danger, which seem to always shock everyone. I asked her if parenting teenagers was really ten times more difficult that parenting preschoolers. Peggy reminded me that every stage of mothering has its unique difficulties and stresses, but she also reminded me that each stage has its unique joys and happy moments.
It made me laugh. It doesn't matter where you are in your parenting, it always seems that people are quick to tell you how easy you have it if they are struggling with children at some other age or stage. It was nice to be reminded that you are where you are and now is the time to enjoy these moments. It was nice to hear stories from someone who had grown up with my husband and who could remind me that the apple does not fall far from the tree when it comes to my children being adventurous.
As I sat across from a very grown up college freshman Will, I saw for the first time in my five years as a mother that it might just be okay. I realized that while every day today seems like a constant balance between taming the wild beasts and keeping them from jumping too high or too far or frankly, too loudly, there are so many firsts that are happening now that bring me such joy and happiness. I realized that no two days are the same. Isn't that what keeps parenting interesting?
I have a confession. I really, really don't like school and I'm afraid even against my best efforts, I am passing this on to my children. I have always loved to learn, but school settings weren't exactly my first choice. Here's the kicker, I am a former teacher.
After a half hour of crying and trying to sort out what our current school troubles are I finally asked Josiah, "Do you like to learn buddy?"
"No! I hate it, I hate it so much!" he replied. I know this isn't exactly true as he is constantly asking me to show him how to do things, but I winced as the words left his mouth. Should he push through or do we have a real issue here?
Once again I found myself trying to reframe things for him so he can continue for the next 6-8 weeks when it happens again. I go over in my mind what the factors might be:
Third grade is a notorious year for things getting more serious and kids starting to struggle.
Our public school is lovely; it's one of the best in the city, still in a city very much struggling with their education system.
His teacher is nice but hard, I get the impression she is just doing her best to prepare them for the state testing.
As parents, we aren't super focused on grades, achievements and the like, not really our style.
I don't really blame the system as I understood what I signed up for. I know the teachers and administrators hands are tied to a certain structure and the standards of learning. I also see their effort to bring some creative and alternative learning into the classroom, but what happens when it just isn't enough? What do you do when your kid is losing his love for learning? I know every kid dislikes school at some point but what do you do when it seems like it is coming up more frequently?
Private education? This is when I become incredibly aware that I have four children. While the option isn't completely out, it is an incredible reach.
Homeschool? It always sounds great in theory to me, but if I'm totally honest, I just don't want the total responsibility for his education. My homeschool friends tell me it is complete crisis of imagination on my part and there are all kinds of ways to get support. I'm realizing the root of my resistance might be deeper as it would also alter my life dramatically (insert selfish feelings here). It is still an option.
Extracurricular activities? Supplemental learning has seemed to help alleviate the drudgery of the everyday. Extra art classes, tree climbing courses, even long park days help. It might be just the dead of winter blues?
So super people, what do you say? Have you ever had this type of education dilemma? Do you have a kid that dislikes school and is struggling to stay engaged? What do you do? Give your advice in the comments.
If you are a talkative, social parent like myself, it can be hard to know what to make of the one child at your house who can go through his days virtually silent, except for the sound of pages turning. I'm overstating the case, but you know this kid when you see her--quiet, reserved, shy even--that is until you she starts to warm up. How do you connect with this kind of child--especially when your preferred style of relating is active conversation? Here are some tips from my experience with my very introverted son Carter:
Hit the books. If you're like me, introversion can be a bit of a mystery. I needed a better understanding of this personality type before I could fully engage Carter on his terms. You can do your research by reading books such as The Introvert Advantage or engaging quieter friends or family members about what helped them feel connected when they were children. An unexpected visit from a much loved (and rather introverted) aunt was key in helping me understand Carter on a deeper level.
I'll have the regular. Since Carter is less likely to bounce into the kitchen and announce how he's feeling on any given day, it's essential that we have regular time together alone without interruption. For a few years now, we've made it a habit to go to a local pizza parlor together to enjoy a slice. We sit at the same table, facing the same direction, and we order the same thing from the same server. As an introvert, Carter can be easily overstimulated, so the familiarity of this routine makes the space he needs to relax and feel most like himself. Now that we've been doing this for awhile, Carter knows he can ask for "mother/son time" anytime he needs to feel more connected. It's his way of letting me know--without too many words--that's he needs a little extra attention. For those times we can't get to the pizza place, a simple bowl of yogurt by candlelight will fix him up just fine.
Silence is golden. I can not emphasize enough how essential sharing quiet time is for your relationship with your introverted child. It's a phenomenon that I don't quite understand, but Carter totally fills up when he and I are sharing anything in silence together--a car ride, a night time snuggle, a quiet snack. Something about proximity plus tenderness minus conversation equals nurture for my quiet boy. I have learned that some of our most important connecting times happen when no one says a word.
Still waters run deep. Understand that these kids are emotional sponges for every word spoken at your house. I've learned to check-in with Carter whenever there's been a lot of chaos in the house--either due to change in schedule, sibling rivalry or marital unrest. Little questions like "How're you doin', bud?" or "How 'bout a hug?" are sometimes all Carter needs to melt into my arms. Reflective listening is a big connector, too. All I have to say is "Buddy, you look like you might want to cry" and there go the flood gates. Since introverted kids sometimes need time to process their feelings, hugs and kind gestures are great for helping them let go of bottled up emotion.
We get there when we get there. Quiet kids sometimes need more time to make transitions. Change can be draining and use up extra energy, so make sure you have plenty of down time built into the schedule. Carter hates to be rushed and simply shuts down if you apply too much pressure. I've learned that giving him a little bit of space on the onset is all he needs to speed himself up, just in time.
Say that one more time. During our mother/son outings, I've made it a point to introduce Carter to the art of conversation. Since some introverts struggle with making small talk on the fly, I want to give Carter the skills he needs to feel comfortable later in life. When Carter was very young, I asked simple questions like "What's your favorite animal?" or "What's your favorite color?" in order to keep the conversation going. Doing this at every outing helped him learn the rhythm of conversation; he's now a very reciprocating and pleasant conversation partner. I know that learning how to chat has been a confidence-builder for Carter, and a skill he can use now without reservation.
These are just a few suggestions from one extroverted mom who's needed to learn a lot about introversion living in this particular household. Are you an introvert? Are your kids? I'd love to hear your feedback in the comments below.
We have all been riveted to the television. I'll admit there are moments when I thought I should turn it off but I could not.
How do you talk to your children about Haiti?. You are the parent and you know your children. Most parents have a good idea about how much their children can and should see of the news. PBS Parents has a great post here with more tips.
Be proactive. In our house, we decided to see what we could do to help 900 children in the process of being adopted by U.S. citizens that are now in orphanages in Haiti. This is close to our hearts because we have dear friends living in Haiti and working with Heartline Ministries and World Wide Village who have already adopted two children and are in the process of helping family members adopt two more children.
We contacted all of our elected representatives and then started a Facebook page explaining to others how they can contact their members of Congress about getting humanitarian paroles for these 900 children so they can come to the United States to live with families that already know them and love them. It took only 10 minutes and we believe it will change the lives of 900 children. It won't help everyone in Haiti but it's a start. It is something you could do with your children today that will provide a tangible result. We watched seven Haitian children get off a plane last night in Kansas City. Was it a result of our letters? We will probably never know. My kids think it was because of them and that's all that matters to me.
Find a worthy cause and give. There are the big names for donation such as the Red Cross and the Bush Clinton Haiti Fund, but there are some lesser known charities that are doing great work helping the Haitian people. We like World Vision because you get a chance to have a "say" in where your money goes. You can ask that your money go provide PUR water packets, a family survival pack or even have your money go to shipping the much needed supplies. Your children have an opportunity to visually see how your money is helping.
Find out what you can do in your area to help Haiti. Right now there are lots of areas having relief drives, collecting infant formula, tents, tarps, clothing and lots more. Check out your local news station and newspaper to find them in your area. Having your child pick out the items helps them feel included in serving those who need the most help.
Show your child where Haiti is on a map. There are great resources for teaching your kids about the country of Haiti, about how earthquakes happen and what you can do to prepare for a natural disaster yourself.
Please let us know how you are helping. We would love to hear.
UPDATED: On January 18, 2010, Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano authorized humanitarian paroles for Haitian children being adopted. Unfortunately many of these children are still in orphanages that have received little or no humanitarian help yet. They have no food, water or safe place to wait to be evacuated from Haiti. Our focus has shifted now to contacting our members of Congress to get help to these children, to find a safe place for them to wait and to speed up their document processing.
Photo by the great Troy Livesay. Godspeed, my friend.