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I pulled up to the car pool line, the door flew open and the kids jumped in.
"Guys, I have terrible news." I said.
"What?" They replied in unison.
"I totally mixed up the dates and we missed Sammy's birthday last night!" I explained.
"Oh no! Poor Sammy! We missed it?" Jack said.
"I know! I feel terrible, so I invited Charlie and Sam over for a birthday playdate." I returned.
"Woohoo! It's no problem Mom, we know exactly what to do." Josiah piped in.
We went straight to our local grocery store and the five of us headed to the bakery to pick out a cake. Lucy loved the cake with the alligator on top, Jack refused saying it was way too baby for turning seven years old. Josiah was trying to recall which flavor was Sam's favorite, chocolate or vanilla. In the end we decided on Boston creme which covered all our bases and seemed the most logical to everyone.
The boys ran to the door proclaiming a party for Sam, apologizing profusely and explained the mix up. It is always like a vortex when we pick up or drop off the boys together. Instant games of tag and rock, paper, scissors erupt and there is lots of whooping and hollering, pure joy.
I warned the kids this playdate would be in a house that was quite a mess.
Charlie didn't miss a beat. "No problem Patience, I love a good mess."
The kids ran into the house and I went to dig in the party box. I found some old pirate napkins, eye patches and earrings from a party long ago. There was some discussion if we should have a pirate party or not but Sam decided it was a good idea. Josiah cleared the table off, Jack got the cake ready, we all sang.
All children instantly went to licking the icing off of candles. It seemed the piratey thing to do.
"To Sammy on his birthday!" Jack shouted inviting the toast. "To Sammy!" They all replied as if they were old men who had done this for years.
It seemed even the baby knew exactly what to do.
The moment was over as quickly as it came. It was one of the nicest parties I have ever been to in my entire life. There were no invitations, no music, no presents, no goodie bags. The house was a mess, the guests rowdy, the joy deep, it was perfect. I wonder how often we plan so carefully to create moments when the best kind seem to be born on their own. Kids know this better than most I believe, living fully in the moment before them.
Do you have any stories ot spontaneous joy your kids cooked up? Please tell us in the comments.
If you wanna add some fun to your spontaneous celebration, check out the cool party ideas here.
I found this old cartoon I drew on the sideboard at my neighbor Meryl's house last night when we were eating dinner. I had forgotten all about it, I told her. I can't seem to part with it, she replied.
Three years later, and I can tell you all my attempts at passing off propaganda as the best advice for children ever have a very short shelf life, but still. I can't help but love the non-violent nature of at least trying to teach kids how to self-evaluate where they are on the cooperation continuum.
What do you think? The power of positive thinking or skirting the issue--listen or else!
We got on a plane with three children under the age of five. Five people, four seats. It was awesome. Okay, not so much. But here are a few tips for getting to the plane without the hassle.
Drop the luggage (and your spouse and children) off at the curb.
Unless you are taking a cab to the airport or getting a ride, you have to figure out a way to get all your luggage and all of your family onto that plane before it takes off. I remember (before Ethan) when Derek and I each had a roller carry-on bag and his and hers laptops. We made it from the front door of the airport to the plane in under 20 minutes without fail. Then we had a baby. Didn't that all change? Now we have 3 huge bags, car seats for the other end (and to be honest, a way to strap down Nate on the plane) and whatever else we manage to find that we just HAVE TO HAVE with us on our trips.
From our first trip after Ethan's birth (when he was 7 weeks old), our policy was that the driver dropped the passenger, all the luggage AND THE BABY off on the front curb. The driver then drove to the parking lot that seemed to be miles away. The dropped-off person can either choose to transport said child in a backpack or a stroller--dealer's choice. When it's me, I prefer the backpack because I like to have my hands free. A stroller means you are going to get stuck pushing with at least one hand. Either way, this is better than the alternative. On one trip, I watched a family of five try to get their luggage onto and off of the parking lot shuttle bus and it was not pretty. That's a lot of carrying that you wouldn't have to do if you had just swung in front of the terminal before going to the parking lot.
Pay the nice porter for curbside check-in or use door-to-door baggage delivery. At $2 a bag for cheap people such as ourselves, that $8 can really put a dent in the old wallet. Of course, instead of trying to lug a baby, 3 bags and car seats into the airport, you never have to pick up your luggage again until you reach the other side of your journey. Well worth the $8 to me. Another option is door-to-door baggage delivery. For some airlines, this service starts at $79. It seems like a lot but since nearly all airlines charge per bag these days, your convenience and reduced hassle might be worth the extra.
Leave a little extra time so you can make your children walk. If you are going on a long plane ride, there is going to be plenty of sitting time. We always try to get to the airport early enough so that after we pass through security, we let Nathan walk the rest of the way to the plane. It may take a while to get to our destination but the little ones are guaranteed to be all tuckered out by the time we get there. It certainly raises our chances that someone will take a nap at some point on the plane or that the kids will be content to just sit.
Get on the plane last. That five hour flight isn't going to seem any shorter if you are the first person to board. Sure you want to guarantee room in the overhead bins for your things and you don't want to rush, but extending your plane travel time just might send your kids over the edge. We send one parent on at the beginning to install car seats or pack everything away. The other parent waits until final boarding call and then corrals the kids down the aisle of the crowded plane to the last seat. That way you also get an opportunity to see the sheer panic on other people's faces that yes, you are bringing a baby on their flight. No backing out now.
These tips have saved me either lots of time or lots of stress. Do you have any more to add?
We haven't talked about games very much since the last lesson in losing we all got. My nature as a parent is to pull back, if I'm honest, maybe even avoid such situations. My kids taught me there might be yet another option this week.
Jack and Josiah disappeared up into their room one night for hours. They were laughing and talking so I never checked in on them to see what they were up to. They bounded down the stairs very excited. They created they their own board game.
It is a fantasy style game, similar to those they have played on the computer. Each character was a kid, had a name and special powers, perfect for re-claiming your own.
The game has a complete set of rules and cards. It seems a little easier to follow rules and lose when you have ownership in the design and thought of the game.
I'm realizing that art can serve kids in a different way of process besides just the act of creating itself. This little game is a way to introduce a previously hard subject with a new and positive angle. It gives a chance to explore losing and gain strength and knowledge in knowing how to handle disappointment in game play.
Once again, I can see how kids can find their way by using their intuition and minds. Even when I'm not exactly paying attention as a parent.
What kind of role does art and creativity play in your house? Do you wish there was more? After this experience, I realized how much more I want to create a culture of art and discovery in my own home. How about you?
I recently found myself in a crisis in the back of a Land Rover in rural Tanzania. We were on a tour of the poorest of the poor--a gentle-hearted group of families suffering from malnutrition and abject poverty in a tiny drought-afflicted village. This was one of those heart-stopping moments that stays with you forever--and none of it was registering with my kids. One was reading a comic book and the other was two hundred pages into a vampire book. Neither looked up when we pulled up or left. They had something else to do. They were tired. They were bored.
I wasn't sure whether to pull the old mom card--you know, the hissing command issued in the ear that says get it together now--or else. I didn't know if i should just let them be because the situation was so intense (even for someone thirty years their senior) or launch into some self-righteous speech. In the end, I decided on something in between: a firm request to put the books down and pay attention--at least while we were on the tour.
In the end, I'm not sure if any of it made a difference.
I know it's probably naive to expect more from kids, but I was really affected by their apparent lack of interest. "I don't know what to say," one child explained later in the day without an ounce of guilt or concern. "I have my hands full with my own life. I don't have that much space to think about helping someone else."
I still haven't completely recovered from that statement. It leaves me without any words at all.
Reflecting on it now two weeks after the fact, I can see that my concern is centered around values--that set of guidelines or principles that we've chosen to give our lives direction and meaning. How is it that my kids in that instance so quickly passed over something that fully engaged my values? How is it that an experience that was rife with opportunity for a response and the most simple kind reaction seemed to strike them as no big deal? And maybe this is the most important question of all: how can we know if our children are internalizing at all our most essential values?
After this trip, I have no idea.
I want my kids to understand they have choices. And I want them to feel connected to a personal sense of power as well as the consequences their choices generate. But what happens when that understanding of power, choices and consequences leaves out caring? What happens when kids decide being compassionate is optional? Do you pass it off as just a phase? Or is it time to march everyone to Habitat for Humanity every weekend for the rest of their childhood lives?
I'm still asking myself these questions.
What matters to you when you think about who your children might become? What values do you hope they decide to carry with them into the future? What do you do when it looks like they're missing what you'd hope was an obvious invitation to what matters to you most?
photo taken after meeting with some of the poorest people in Tanzania; by Stephanie Roberts, Arusha Tanzania
Tomorrow we will be wishing a big ol' Happy 40th to our friends at Sesame Street. In the last 40 years, Sesame Street taught us to celebrate our differences, to bask in our own individuality and has continuously redefined "normal" to fit us all. Sesame Street taught us to read, to write, and yes, to count. It opened our eyes to cultures beyond our cul-de-sac and taught us global thinking. Sesame Street made us believe that we could be anything and that anything was possible. Sesame Street taught us to love music and laughter and learning.
Thanks, Sesame. We love you lots. We hope you have the best birthday ever.
I leave you my all time favorite as an adult...
Why don't you tell us what your favorite Sesame Street memory is?
Last week I watched as the good people from Epic Change installed a tech lab in an elementary school in Arusha, Tanzania. My kids, Madeleine (11) and Carter (8) got a first hand look at how social media can be more than a distraction for your homework or a way to kill time with your friends. These children discovered the pure power of the web: the ability to connect human beings all over the globe for the purpose of conversation, collaboration and yes, friendship--for the very first time. The simplicity of Twitter--something both my digital media savvy kids understand without explanation--was the tool of choice and within days kids who previously had no concept of the internet or email were tweeting with social entrepreneurs, moms, teachers and good-hearted souls from all over the world.
While it's not the easiest thing in the world to set up a tech lab halfway around the world (or take your kids to Africa, for that matter), I'm incredibly thankful for my children to get a new take on the web and social media. For all the worrying we do about our kids wasting away online, now I can offer them this constructive alternative--building old fashioned pen pal type relationships with their peers in the global south. And this is just the beginning. What happens when we decide as a global community that access and connectivity is a right and privilege worthy of all the children of the world?
Having this pipeline open changes things not just for kids but for the teachers and educators who guide them. "How can we get them interested in reading?" Mama Lucy, the founder of Shepherds Junior asked. There are a hundred answers, of course, but now she has one of the most powerful solutions at her fingertips. Light them on fire with the fluency that comes with chat. Show them how to explore the myriad of child-appropriate sites dedicated to learning how to build proficiency in language and literacy in a way that wasn't available to them before. Let them navigate a brand new world built on the craving for connection and power of the word.
Mama Lucy with good friend and founder of Epic Change, Stacey Monk
You (and your kids) can tweet with the children of Shepherd's Junior School by following along on Twitter. They're waiting for you.
It was an epic battle battle of Monopoly. Jack had been begging us to play for weeks but honestly I was dreading it. Jack had been losing at lots of games lately and it was starting to really bother him. I think he thought this might be his chance to show the world (i.e. his brother) and himself what he can really do. He's a good little negotiator and is already sporting some business sense in these early years.
Jack had built a nice little empire of properties while Josiah turned down most opportunities to purchase real estate. Josiah was being cautious, waiting for the right moment but I could tell even he was starting to get nervous. Then he landed right on the jack pot, Park Place. He had acquired Boardwalk a few turns ago in a deal with Jorge. He immediately sunk every last penny into houses and hotels. Everything was stacked, the stakes were high, he just had to wait.
"Oh, I am so sorry Mom that you have to pay me but the rent is $350, I'm so sorry." Jack said with the most sincere heart. I smiled and paid my dues while quietly hoping Jack would win. The next turn Jack rolled the dice, counted nervously and instantly buried his face into his hands, Boardwalk. He landed on Boardwalk. He knew it was over, the heartbreak was just too much. We did the math, trying to keep him alive in the game while he sobbed.
"I lost everything!" he cried. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't sure what to say. I just rubbed his back, agreed and listened. I wondered how I could have navigated this parenting moment better. The competition was too much but he wanted to try so badly. I kept thinking how hard it is sometimes to be little and have someone bigger, faster, stronger ahead of you. Being the middle child myself, I know this part of learning, growing, being shapes who you are.
Tell me what do you do in moments with your children when losing feels so big?
How do you handle games, competition, and the like? Do share in the comments.
I hate to be the person to tell you that Christmas is only 7 1/2 weeks away, but Christmas is only 7 1/2 weeks away. Typically I like to ignore Christmas until after Thanksgiving. However, this year the finances are much tighter than they have been in a few years so by planning ahead, I can be sure to give heartfelt gifts to the ones I love without emptying my bank account. Here are just a few tried and true tips from our house.
Exchange names for gift giving. If you have presents to buy for 12 nieces and nephews, you may easily find yourself spending more than you should or buying "filler" presents to check the box. Our solution in our family is that every cousin's name goes in a hat and Madeleine picks the names out one-by-one to see who will be giving a present to whom on Christmas. With only three gifts for my family to buy now, we can better focus on finding the perfect present for each name picked and no one is worrying about their children sending their sister's family into the poor house because of gift giving.
Focus on thoughtful gifts. For years we have made photo calendars for each grandparent. Last year I was so overwhelmed with life that I didn't get to it and there was great disappointment on Christmas day. Typically photo calendars run around $20, but most photo processing websites will have specials or discounts if you purchase early or if you purchase more than one. I usually upload around 20 pictures and switch the photos around for each grandparent. That way everyone is looking at a different picture each month. Adding your own captions helps personalize the calendar. "It's your birthday this month, Nana!! Happy Birthday!!" under a picture of Junior blowing out candles on his birthday cake is sure to bring a smile to Nana's face.
Let your kids make some executive decisions. Letting your children take ownership of a gift allows them to truly experience the joy of giving themselves. For Carter's birthday this year, Ethan was determined to get him an ice cream cake. I will never forget Ethan's face when he carried that candle lit cake to Carter. Apparently Ethan has not forgotten it either because he still brings up that ice cream cake. It was his idea and he was committed to it. Because of that, Ethan had as much joy giving that cake as Carter did receiving it.
It is possible for less to be more. Teaching your children that a gift from the heart is more important than what something costs is an invaluable lesson that they will carry with them forever. You only spent $10 on that photo coffee mug, but the fact that your kids picked out that special photo because they thought Dad would like it best can mean more to Dad than a gift which costs ten times more.
These are just a few of the things we do. What things have you done to keep your heart in giving without having to dig as deep into your pockets?
We are only a day a way from candy goodwill friends! The day when dress-up and sweet collide making Halloween every kids' favorite holiday. I pulled out some Halloween pictures from over the years remembering the fun costumes we made. Shaggy and Scooby being one of my personal favorites. Don't the kids look thrilled?
The role call this year is:
1 Lego character guy
1 ninja (new costume but repeat performance)
1 frog (mid-week switch, she was going to be a princess)
1 undecided (we have no idea about Lyra's costume)
What should Lyra be? Someone on Twitter suggested Ken Burns , which is still in the running.
What are your kids dressing up as this year? Please tell us in the comments, all the last-minute-Marshas are still looking for ideas.
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