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Jen

Blowing Santa's Cover (or the Truth about Magic)

Posted by Jen on December 9, 2009 at 7:00 AM
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carter at christmas

Here's Carter, just hours before a fateful conversation in the car blew Santa's cover on magic in our house forever. What do you do when your children start getting curious about Santa, the Tooth Fairy and the like? Do you give it up about Santa or do whatever it takes to keep the dream alive? I asked author and friend Brené Brown to share a story about how she navigated the big reveal on Santa without giving up the magic that keeps the season bright.

Here's Brené...

I've dreaded having "the talk" with Ellen since the day she was born. How will I tell her the truth without taking away her innocence - without filling her with doubt and cynicism? How can I spare her the grief that often accompanies truth?

How will I ever be able to tell her about Santa? (Just in case you thought "the talk" referred to the sex and babies thing - that is something that we actually looked forward to, and, so far, it's unfolding pretty well).

Last November, Ellen and I were lying in bed and talking about friends. We were sharing the same pillow and both staring straight up at the ceiling when she turned toward me and blurted, "Are you the tooth fairy?"

I froze. Total paralysis set in.

"Mom, I really need to know. I really need you to tell me the truth. Hanna's mom told her that she's the tooth fairy. Please tell me. I don't want to be the only one who doesn't know."

I shot straight up. "Ellen, do you hear your dad calling me?"

She scrunched her face up. "I don't hear anything at all."

I jumped out of bed and told her I'd be right back. As I was racing out of the room, Ellen called after me, "Come back! Are you trying to avoid me?"

I didn't break stride. I walked ran into Steve's study. "It's here! It's time! She wants to know! I think this is it!"

I wish I could say that Steve looked alarmed, but this is not an entirely unique scenario in our house. He simply shuffled his feet to turn his leather work chair in my direction, raised his head and said, "Time for what, baby?"

I quickly recapped my conversation with Ellen. Steve drew a long breath and shook his head. I was overcome with a sense of dread. "Brené, it's time. We always said we'd tell her the truth when she sincerely asked."

My mind was flooded with tiny clips of her asking the same question, but rather than really wanting to know, it was obvious that she was desperate for us to defend her beliefs.

This was different and Steve and I both knew it.

I slowly returned to the room and crawled back into bed with Ellen. Within seconds we were both lying on our sides, propped up on our elbows, with our faces inches away from one another. I quietly said, "I wanted to talk to your dad about our conversation. It means a lot to both of us." Her eyes filled with tears and she sunk down. "You are the tooth fairy, aren't you?"

"Yes, your dad and I are the tooth fairy." She rolled off of her elbow and put her face directly into the pillow. A few seconds later, she lifted her head enough to grab a breath and held it over the pillow as she whispered, "Is Santa Claus real? Are parents Santa too?"

I felt deeply conflicted. To simply tell Ellen that we're Santa would be as dishonest as telling her that Santa is real. For me, it was so much more complicated than that. Yes, we're Santa, yet Steve and I are believers. We were both raised by parents who believed in magic and made plenty of it when we were growing up. We are goofy, big-hearted, unapologetic believers.

I looked into Ellen's eyes and instantly realized that there was no reason to make it less complicated than it is. "Elle, your dad and I are Santa, but that doesn't mean that there's no magic in Christmas. We believe in magic. We believe in Christmas spirit. We believe in things we can't see."

An ounce of hope returned to her face.

I told her about the special kind of magic that fills the hearts of parents and inspires them to write swirly notes in gold pen and sign the Tooth Fairy's name. I told her about the magic that compels us to decorate the house before the Thanksgiving plates are washed and to stuff stockings and build bikes at 3am. I told her about the magic of thousands of twinkle lights and decorating trees and singing songs. We talked about the magic of celebrating five Christmases in five days (she has four sets of grandparents).

By this time we were both sitting criss-cross-apple-sauce with our knees touching and our hands in a messy stack. She looked me straight in the eye and said, "But why? Why do parents do all of this?"

I smiled, "So you can believe in magic. So you can believe in things you can't see. So, you can pass along the magic in your life."

"But why tell me now, Mom?"

I said the first thing that came to my mind, "Because your heart is full of magic now. You're ready." I told her that parents who want to pass down magic are the best judge of when their kids are ready, and that's why we let parents have this conversation.

Ellen cried small, quiet tears. "I believe in magic. I really do. My heart is full and I'm ready. This is so hard, but I believe."

This year Steve and I have enjoyed watching her delight in her 4 year old brother's excitement about the holidays. After helping Charlie write a toy list for Santa, Ellen grinned and said, "I was worried about this year, but there really is still magic."

How would you respond at your house? What if the Santa magic lasts so long that you feel like you're taking things too far? Or worse yet, what if your big reveal (like mine) sent magic up in smoke? Let's talk about it in the comments below.

6 Comments

Tracy writes...

I LOVE the way you handled this. I've always believed that if a kid comes to his or her parent with a direct question (and, okay, if an initial attempt to deflect the question to test its seriousness fails), then that kid deserves an honest answer. Your daughter actually pleaded for the truth, and you respected her enough to give it to her while still preserving the magic of the season.

All kids will suffer disappointments as they get older, and learning how to deal with them is a necessary part of life. Revealing truths about things like Santa and the Tooth Fairy must come sooner or later. With your approach, you taught your daughter that while she can't avoid disappointment, she can still find the positive in the face of disappointment. This is the beginning of learning to cope and of learning how to be resilient.

My kids still believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy, but when they ask, I will tell them the truth and keep to myself the knowledge that they will have just passed a major milestone in the road to adulthood. (They will also be warned not to spill the beans for younger siblings and cousins!) I hope my kids come out of the conversations as well as your Ellen did.

Jennifer writes...

We had this conversation recently about Mermaids. I have a 5 year old daughter who LOVES mermaids. This summer I carefully crafted a visit from a mermaid while we were vacationing in Padre, complete with a bottle, letter (with gold swirly writing), and little treasures. She wanted to take her treasures to school to share with the other Kindergarten kids at show and tell. While there, another kiddo told her there was no such things as mermaids so of course she asked me. In true social work fashion I redirected and said "What do you think." My wise 5 year old says - "I believe that mermaids exist if you belive in them. If you don't believe in them you will never see one and they won't come to visit you." I know our day is coming. But for now, we have our first lose tooth this week and the Tooth Fairy is preparing for her debut performance! Long live magic!

Alli writes...

At whyzz.com, the definitive source for kid-friendly answers to how the world works, "Is Santa real?" is one of the most-asked questions this time of year. Here is our answer, as well as some talking points aimed at kids ages 4-8:

http://whyzz.com/answer/detail/search/santa/qid/670/subcategory/86/category/3

Becky writes...

I'm pretty sure my 11 year old knows the truth - though he has never let on. He loves the surprises and the suspense of what will happen. He doesn't mention it and I don't mention it. Its never come up in conversation. However, one of my 6 year old twins came home from school and announced how one child in his class announced to he whole class that there was no Santa. My son didn't "ask" me if it were true or not...he just told me what someone had said. Then there was the pause...do I say something or not. If I do...what? Finally I just said, "that's very sad that he feels that way, if you don't believe in magic, then of course there won't be a santa or anything else...you have to believe". They were very happy with that and went on their way. Then today one twin said to the other twin..."You better believe in magic or you will never have fun in Disney World again!!". Kids come up with the funniest things!

mary writes...

MY 10 year old daughter was mad at me about something, I was being firm about an issue we were having, she looked at her 7 year old brother and in a very strong, matter of fact voice said"By the way Henry, there is no Easter Bunny!"
Henry was not moved or upset at all, he just said "Yes, he is big and wears a bunny suit!" His belief was not broken for a second. I love that my kids still believe; The 10 year old may not believe in the easter bunny, but she believes in Fairies and Santa.

SHEENA33DUNLAP writes...

Set your life more simple take the loan and everything you require.

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