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I found this old cartoon I drew on the sideboard at my neighbor Meryl's house last night when we were eating dinner. I had forgotten all about it, I told her. I can't seem to part with it, she replied.
Three years later, and I can tell you all my attempts at passing off propaganda as the best advice for children ever have a very short shelf life, but still. I can't help but love the non-violent nature of at least trying to teach kids how to self-evaluate where they are on the cooperation continuum.
What do you think? The power of positive thinking or skirting the issue--listen or else!
I recently found myself in a crisis in the back of a Land Rover in rural Tanzania. We were on a tour of the poorest of the poor--a gentle-hearted group of families suffering from malnutrition and abject poverty in a tiny drought-afflicted village. This was one of those heart-stopping moments that stays with you forever--and none of it was registering with my kids. One was reading a comic book and the other was two hundred pages into a vampire book. Neither looked up when we pulled up or left. They had something else to do. They were tired. They were bored.
I wasn't sure whether to pull the old mom card--you know, the hissing command issued in the ear that says get it together now--or else. I didn't know if i should just let them be because the situation was so intense (even for someone thirty years their senior) or launch into some self-righteous speech. In the end, I decided on something in between: a firm request to put the books down and pay attention--at least while we were on the tour.
In the end, I'm not sure if any of it made a difference.
I know it's probably naive to expect more from kids, but I was really affected by their apparent lack of interest. "I don't know what to say," one child explained later in the day without an ounce of guilt or concern. "I have my hands full with my own life. I don't have that much space to think about helping someone else."
I still haven't completely recovered from that statement. It leaves me without any words at all.
Reflecting on it now two weeks after the fact, I can see that my concern is centered around values--that set of guidelines or principles that we've chosen to give our lives direction and meaning. How is it that my kids in that instance so quickly passed over something that fully engaged my values? How is it that an experience that was rife with opportunity for a response and the most simple kind reaction seemed to strike them as no big deal? And maybe this is the most important question of all: how can we know if our children are internalizing at all our most essential values?
After this trip, I have no idea.
I want my kids to understand they have choices. And I want them to feel connected to a personal sense of power as well as the consequences their choices generate. But what happens when that understanding of power, choices and consequences leaves out caring? What happens when kids decide being compassionate is optional? Do you pass it off as just a phase? Or is it time to march everyone to Habitat for Humanity every weekend for the rest of their childhood lives?
I'm still asking myself these questions.
What matters to you when you think about who your children might become? What values do you hope they decide to carry with them into the future? What do you do when it looks like they're missing what you'd hope was an obvious invitation to what matters to you most?
photo taken after meeting with some of the poorest people in Tanzania; by Stephanie Roberts, Arusha Tanzania
Last week I watched as the good people from Epic Change installed a tech lab in an elementary school in Arusha, Tanzania. My kids, Madeleine (11) and Carter (8) got a first hand look at how social media can be more than a distraction for your homework or a way to kill time with your friends. These children discovered the pure power of the web: the ability to connect human beings all over the globe for the purpose of conversation, collaboration and yes, friendship--for the very first time. The simplicity of Twitter--something both my digital media savvy kids understand without explanation--was the tool of choice and within days kids who previously had no concept of the internet or email were tweeting with social entrepreneurs, moms, teachers and good-hearted souls from all over the world.
While it's not the easiest thing in the world to set up a tech lab halfway around the world (or take your kids to Africa, for that matter), I'm incredibly thankful for my children to get a new take on the web and social media. For all the worrying we do about our kids wasting away online, now I can offer them this constructive alternative--building old fashioned pen pal type relationships with their peers in the global south. And this is just the beginning. What happens when we decide as a global community that access and connectivity is a right and privilege worthy of all the children of the world?
Having this pipeline open changes things not just for kids but for the teachers and educators who guide them. "How can we get them interested in reading?" Mama Lucy, the founder of Shepherds Junior asked. There are a hundred answers, of course, but now she has one of the most powerful solutions at her fingertips. Light them on fire with the fluency that comes with chat. Show them how to explore the myriad of child-appropriate sites dedicated to learning how to build proficiency in language and literacy in a way that wasn't available to them before. Let them navigate a brand new world built on the craving for connection and power of the word.
Mama Lucy with good friend and founder of Epic Change, Stacey Monk
You (and your kids) can tweet with the children of Shepherd's Junior School by following along on Twitter. They're waiting for you.
We're back from Tanzania at last with more stories to tell than we ever imagined. I asked Carter what the hardest thing about the trip was for him. Hands down? "The airplane." And the best? "The people."
That sums it up for me, too.
Stay tuned--I have more stories to upload (with pictures) about what happened in Tanzania and how this kind of adventure can be pivotal in child development.
This has been an amazing trip for us. We've met incredible people and the kids have had the experience of a lifetime. I hope they remember this for the rest of their lives. How could they not, right?
Two years ago I could not have imagined a trip like this would be possible. When a friend asked me what a dream-come-true would look like for me, I had to say it had something to do with taking my children to faraway lands for experiences that would change them forever. Since that time, my life has realigned to make this dream and many more possible. All because one friend asked.
What are you dreaming for for your kids?
It's always amazing to me how kids are kids wherever I go. Everyone likes to play ball. Everyone likes to dance and be silly. Everyone is ready for a new and exciting game.
This is the first time for many of the children at Shepherds Junior School to have any direct interaction with a child from the United States. I wonder what memories will stay with them when we leave. Will they feel like my kids are just like them? Or will they feel like their world is very much different?
Fall is late to arrive in the Northeast, but we're still hopeful for cooler weather and the changing of colors. Here are three links to help you get through the days--whether your task is little ones who are bored or big ones who need help staying on track.
Fall with Little Ones. Fun activities and ways to make the most of what's available even if your children are still in arms and need your direction so much.
Helping School-Aged Children with School. Listen in as the Mentor Mom offers sage advice on how to handle that one in your house who needs a little love and attention to stay on track with school.
A Family Dinner to Remember. Single mom Meg Casey fills in the gaps by creating a rich ritual of love and connection that can be shared with kids no matter what the holiday season.
In April of 2007, Madeleine and Carter made their first international trip to South Africa where they swam with penguins, walked with elephants and did their very best to have the time of their lives.
On Friday, they'll return to Africa, where they'll help kids their age learn how to use the Internet in a brand new tech lab at Shepherd's Junior School in Arusha, Tanzania. I'm excited to have them with me on the next trip for Picture HOPE and trust this will be an experience to remember.
I'm mindful that this is a challenging trip for children and that I have to keep their age and stage in mind when I ask them to try new things and entertain new perspectives. Here's what I'm reading to get me ready. I hope you find what you need here, too.
My Eight Year Old
How to Love an Eleven Year Girl Old
How To Help Kids Manage Anxiety
Traveling with Kids Around the World
This weekend spend some time fostering connection with your kids by sitting still, listening and reaching out your hands in kindness and compassion. After a hard week of intense parenting, I know that's what's on my agenda. It always makes all the difference in the world.
More links to follow
showing affection to babies and toddlers
reaching out to difficult children
Have you seen the caterpillar book? from andrea scher on Vimeo.
My friend Andrea recently posted this adorable video with her son Ben & her husband Matt playing together. I loved it for a hundred reasons--the best being it's such a great example of how to really play with kids. Knowing how to play with kids is one of those things that is supposed to be an obvious skill--I mean, what's to it, right? You sit, you laugh, you play. But as any parent who has wearied of the knock-knock joke will tell you, it's not always automatic, it's not always easy and it's not always fun.
Here are three tricks you can try to fake yourself out if play doesn't come easy to you.
Set the timer. By putting yourself on the timer, you take yourself off the clock and give yourself permission to not get a single thing done. For you list-makers out there, this approach also lets you thinking of your playtime as something on your to-do list that you can check off later.
Do nothing. This is the answer to all that ails you if you are play challenged and feel at a loss when faced with playtime with a three year old. Go where that child is, lie down on the floor and do nothing. Go ahead, close your eyes if you want to. Take a snooze. I promise within ten seconds that three year old figure out exactly what to do with you while you lie there and wait.
Follow his lead. What's so brilliant about the video above is that Ben (the three year old) is completely in charge of the play. He bangs on the piano and Matt matches both his intensity and his mood. Kids are constantly being asked to follow along, so nothing thrills them more than when during their playtime you as the parent reveal that you're willing to take a turn at not being in charge.
What are your secrets to playtime with your kids that doesn't leave you bored or distracted?
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