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Jen: September 2008 Archives
After living in Florida for half of my life, I'm glad to be in a climate where the end of September means a change in weather, the harvest of apples and time to pull out the sweaters. I loved how Alicia of Bloom, Grow, Love captured the wonder of the seasons (and the beauty of her dear girl) in this timely photo essay called "Change."
If you're deep in the day-in, day-out grind of parenting, wondering why these babies, why all this work, don't miss this post about why it matters from Liz of Mom-101. Sometimes it's easy to forget all this work translates into human beings who have a great future together. Thanks, Liz.
Homeschooling mama (code name Sugar) took a ride on the wild side this week and unschooled her kids on a recent family trip up the Oregon Coast. We haven't had any posts with the homeschooling/unschooling crowd in mind here on Supersisters, but it's never too late, right? Do you homeschool? Unschool? Leave us a link to your blog, and let us know you're here.
Tomorrow Kris and I will be braving the elements to go to the National Book Festival 2008. Please come by and say hi.
I walked in the house the other day just in time to hear Madeleine on the phone signing herself up for soccer. This is where teaching your children decent phone manners and a good dose of independence will get you--ten weeks of outdoor soccer, complete with practice nights, weekend games and your turn on the snack list. I couldn't decide whether to be thrilled Mad was taking the initiative or devastated that I would now have to find the wherewithal to commit to the soccer schedule.
I know, I know. Mothers across America are suffering in bleachers in rain, sleet and snow all fall long. I should not complain, but I've always been leery of having my kids in sports. I'm horrible at keeping track of too many activities, and I don't want my kids to be under pressure to perform (read: screaming coaches) when nothing about their genetics says team sports are anywhere in their future. For the longest time, neither kid has shown the tiniest bit of interest, and I've been reprieved.
But no more. When your kid signs herself up for soccer, you know it's time.
For the next five days she tormented me with questions about when we'd get her shoes, when we'd get her shin guards, when we'd get the t-shirt. When we finally had everything she needed, she paced the house until practice day. I started to feel guilty for not offering her soccer sooner.
The day of her first practice she could not understand why we couldn't go to the field two hours before time, just to make sure. When I wouldn't give in, she found a ride going five minutes earlier than we could leave. I thanked my lucky stars for the reprieve and let her go.
Later (five minutes later) I was thrilled to see my sweet girl have the time of her life on the practice field, under the care and encouragement of some really nice parents/coaches who clearly did not have it in them to yell--other than to encourage the girls to really go for it and not be afraid of the ball. What was I afraid of?
At bedtime, after a shower (one point for soccer--no arguing over bathing), I brushed out her hair, droning on and on about how proud I was of her, but she stopped me mid-sentence, a sweet smile on her face.
"You don't have to be proud of me, Mom. I did it for myself."
And that's when I realized the real reprieve was Madeleine finding soccer on her own. I didn't have the willpower (or commitment) to sign her up sooner, but it worked out in the end afterall. She's taking full credit for the joy of her experience, and that's more than any mother can hope for.
How about you? How do you navigate your kids' activities--when to nudge and when to let their own interests rise to the surface? I'm finding that on this point, I've got a lot more to learn.
There will be no photograph accompanying this post because I don't want to tip the principal off to where the morally bankrupt are at the moment. No extra clues on my watch. I have my hands full with in-house detention and other various reform programs. My children--cheaters? How did this happen? Where did I go wrong?
It all started last week when a certain older girl child declared that yes, she knew my artist mom friend's son so-and-so because he had let her copy off his paper so she would be all caught up from what she missed earlier in the day. This followed by a cheerful confession from child number two who said he was able to finish his homework quickly because so-and-so the next door neighbor supplied all his (now correct) math answers. No amount of lecturing or friendly chatting up the virtues of doing your own work could convince either child otherwise.
It was faster.
It isn't a big deal.
I don't think my teacher would mind, Mom. Seriously.
This is the part where I deeply regret not taking them to Sunday School, where I imagine their future behind bars, where I decide that today, yes, today, we will have a conference with the teacher to find out what she really thinks about you copying someone else's work.
I grew up in a sleepy town where we attended private schools with serious religious training and even more hammering away at our (assumed) questionable ethics. Copying was considered cheating. Getting caught would send you to the principal's office, not to mention the shaming experience of having to call your parents. I was terrified of stray eyes--mine or someone else's--and religiously avoided any appearance of cheating. Is that so wrong?
I tell my kids these stories and all I see is goody-two shoes run across their not-so-innocent eyes. Am I old-fashioned? Is copying your neighbor's work the new norm? Inside I wonder if my primary vices--ignoring the speed limit and being blind to no parking signs--are the real culprits. Are my kids simply mirroring my own bad behavior in another form?
Tell me Supersisters. I need your full confession. Did you cheat in school and how would you react if you found out your lovely ten and seven year old were cheerfully copying other people's answers so that they could get out to recess five minutes quicker? How personally do you take it when you find out your kids are breaking the rules?
I'll be waiting here, ready to take notes with my number two pencil in hand.
I love the way many moms today are keeping track of their parenting days by writing love letters to their kids online. Some moms choose to write to their children on their birthdays, others on ordinary days. Either way, I love this trend and this particular note to "Kid A" from Journey Mama. Are you writing to your kids directly on your blog? Leave us your links in the comments below.
Other points of happiness, mom of brand new kindergarten Amelia Lee, posted this adorable picture and post about how it feels to be a big girl going to school. I love the way kids (like Amelia pictured above) express their pride in their accomplishments and how moms (like Jen) aren't afraid to get all into the glow.
Sheryl from Paper Napkin writes this week about how a pep talk about resilience and not being afraid to ask for what you want creates just the right atmosphere for her son to shine. I especially loved how her little guy saw her nudge as proof positive that he was deeply loved.
And what would happen if you showed your kids this video (warning: there's kissing! ewwww!) and then invited them to be a part of sending something lovely to the filmmakers? Check it out and see what you think. Personally, I can't think of a better way to get your kids interested in a worldwide community project that clearly has a heart. Read more about the filmmaker here.
Maybe my job isn't so much to protect him as to offer him company in the dark.
Maybe my role isn't to make things easier but to be a kind shoulder to lean on when he's finding his way.
Maybe the part I play is more celebrator than mastermind of solutions.
Could it be that those tears aren't a sign of weakness as much as a show of a mind connected all the way down to his heart strings?
Could it be that deep down he has what it takes to find a way through?
This week Carter shocked us all by deciding he liked his new teacher after all. All on his own he discovered a point of shared interest, and all week long I watched these two pair up to find their own connecting points. By Friday, they had a knowing look pass between them, the way old friends smile at each other over an inside joke. Who would have guessed they had so many similar interests? Who would have guessed that common ground would have come so easily?
There's so many ways to explain this kind of thing to yourself as a mother. You could doubt your initial instincts that the teacher was not an ideal match. You could second guess your kid's reaction next time around. Either approach would work I suppose. But there's a third way, too, and that is for me to see Carter as incredibly resourceful and determined. He latched on the first thing to come up that was positive for him, and his teacher was sharp enough to see that he needed to connect with her--maybe even more so because she has the reputation for being a little bit bristly and not overly warm and fuzzy.
No matter what the real reason, I'm feeling happy for Carter, and a little bit in awe of how he overcame his tears and found a way to make it work. He was trying every bit as hard as his teacher to make a good connection. That's a specific kind of approach to problems that will serve him his whole life through, and I was delighted to watch it in action for the very first time.
Do you find it hard to watch your kids struggle like this? When do you decide to intervene? When do you let them work it out on their own? I'd love to hear your perspective in the comments below.
madeleine waits to blow out the candles while carter sings
Fall birthdays at your house? Check out this sweet birthday craft for siblings to share from the very kind Ezra and Amanda Soule.
Andrea Jenkins from Hula Seventy has a very touching post on marriage, family and what real love looks like. If you've been feeling like you are the only one with dirty hair and a wonderfully messy life, prepare to be delighted.
Shutter Sisters maven Tracey Clark inaugurates A Little Perspective--a Flickr pool featuring the shots only your kids can capture. Read her good advice here, and find out what how your kids see the world when you pass the camera.
Ali Edwards has an artful post on quieting children's fears. As the mom of a child who was often very anxious during her first years of school, I can also recommend Six Wonderful Ways to Help Kids Who Worry--a collection of tips from our own family's experience. Here's excellent input on accepting kids' feelings if this is one of your parenting sticky points.
Still working on your back-to-school bedtime strategy? Here's some excellent advice to get you back on track fast.
Sending lots of love to you supersisters (and superdads!) as you enjoy this fall weekend. Feel free to add your favorite parenting posts from your own blog or others in the comments below.
Madeleine, at the bus stop, age 10
"I don't know, Mom," she tells me late at night, sweet tears falling on her cheeks as we lie together in bed before she falls asleep. "I don't want to have to be a nobody and I don't want to have to be a somebody to have a good life. I just want to be an ordinary girl."
An ordinary girl.
I wonder what it means while she lets me hold her close. She is so bright, so articulate, so wise, so funny. I know I'm her mother, but really--is there any way on earth she could ever be mistaken for someone ordinary? Could that even be possible?
Still.
I think I know what she's saying. Too many distinctions between you and the girl next door, and it's hard to feel close to the people around you. Ask any child who merits extra attention in any direction--being special garners with it a certain kind of loneliness and more than a little careful handling. Nobody needs that. Especially when you are ten and above all things in need of belonging--mostly with the grownups who you wish to see you exactly as you are. Nothing more, nothing less.
It's easy to worry about Madeleine--especially at this age. I want her to succeed, to achieve, to find her way in the world with a kind of blissful happiness. But tonight I heard her ask for something more--permission to grow and be at her own pace in her own way, no special effort attached to being anything else but herself. An ordinary girl.
What could be more special than that?
Have something to say about your own ordinary girl? Comments are all yours in the space below.
If you didn't get a chance to send a little sidewalk chalk love to the kids in your neighborhood this week, it's never too late. Check out these fantastic pics from Everyday Heartbeats for more inspiration. If you want to own this project from A-to-Z, you can even make your own chalk.
If your mother guilt is kicking into high gear with the start of the new school year, never fear. Devra and Aviva will give you permission to tell yourself (and your kids!) the truth and get on with being happier and guilt-free. Brene Brown from Ordinary Courage offers yet another alternative--why not celebrate finishing the first week of school with some good old fashioned family fun?
If you find yourself (like me these days) in constant negotiation mode with your firstborn--the future world class litigator of your family--console yourself with this good advice on keeping things positive. Or better yet, write a love letter to that child who's a little tough for you these days. You'll find yourself warming up and getting the energy you need to meet the challenges of this age and stage.
If you are a mother to toddlers and lamenting the fact that there will be no back-to-school for you this week, you are invited to cozy up to the good companionship of these mother interviews--a perfect way to spend naptime. And if that toddler won't leave you be in front of the computer, pull her on your lap for some worthwhile fun here.
What caught your eye in the momosphere this week? Share your favorite links in the comments below.
what Carter looks like by midmorning on the weekend if he doesn't get enough sleep
I'm not the world's most anxious parent, truth be told--especially now that we are out of the zero to three category of parenting where mere survival is a work of art. Now that my kids are school-aged, I'm happy to let things unfold for the most part, read up on everyone's developmental tasks and go from there.
But.
I do have one or two areas that make me slightly mental and one of them is bedtime. I don't care if you stay up way past the sun all summer long, but come school time, I want you on the schedule and fast. I don't mind anyone crying in their cereal if he's having an honest emotional moment (not to name any names here), but please, dear God, don't let it be because you didn't get your prerequisite eleven hours of sleep. (And trust me, it's eleven.)
I promise I'm not making it up. Every year we do our annual research on how much sleep everyone needs for their specific age and stage. (Your pediatrician is your friend on this one.) Then we get out a piece of paper and factor in how much time everyone needs to actually get ready for bed and then truly fall asleep. Those numbers put together help us find the ideal bedtime. And yes, when you add in all that dawdling for a certain person in our family, that means you have to start the process at five o'clock.
Kidding.
But really--factoring in prep time does eliminate tons of stress for me when I have to get everyone moving. When you've already confessed you need ten books and one hour to fall asleep, you're less prone to argue when I ask you to at least get started. Now. I still struggle to get everyone in bed and asleep at the ideal hour, but at least bedtime is more of a group project and not just some edict Mom passed down from on high.
If there's one thing I don't want at the end of the day, it's any sense of being rushed or hassled or of being a bother. I don't want bedtime to be a task to be completed or a chore to be accomplished. I want my kids to end their days gently and without too much drama. Figuring out a reasonable time that my negotiating firstborn can respect and my free-wheeling second born can accept helps every single one of us so much.
When we get off track, I can confess to the kids that I'm feeling stress over the thought of everyone not getting what they need in the sleep department. That's a lot less stressful for kids to hear than me yelling, "Get to bed! You have school tomorrow!" Nobody enjoys that.
I know sleep is a very hot issue with no easy solutions. How do you navigate the Sandman at your house? How are things going for those of you trying to easy younger kids onto a first time preschool schedule? We'd love to know.
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