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Jen: October 2008 Archives
The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And, if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better. Forget about the future, and live each day...
from Paulo Coehlo's The Alchemist
If you gave yourself permission to let go of all tomorrow's worry (will we be able to get her into the right preschool? will they turn out to be criminals if I stop yelling? is it a mistake to have him tested for gifted and talented? if i don't get her out of this bed now, will she sleep with me forever?), what one honest and true thing would you do with your kids today--just today?
Comments are open for your sage wisdom.
Writer, mama and movie critic Sandie Angulo Chen reminded me this week how every young mother is still her own mother's little girl. This tender post about the recent passing of her mother pays tribute to all the ways mothers matter--whether you're thirty-five or fifty-three. If you're dealing with a serious illness or loss of a loved one in your family and are wondering how to talk to your kids, consider this sage advice from our favorite parenting experts.
Is your little guy (or girl) going through a throwing stage? Is it making you want to throw something out the window (child, of course, excluded)? Here's a great story about a mom who found a way through this very normal developmental stage with a bottle of glue and a whole lotta love in her heart.
Looking for some clarity? Here's a nice reflection from a mom who knows how much it matters, especially when you think about the pressure we are under as parents to both participate and interact with our kids but not necessarily overschedule them. You can add your two cents to that timely discussion here.
Our modern American culture tends to separate us out by age and limit our opportunities to mix across generational lines. If you're nostalgic for some other era when you could ask for a seasoned parenting perspective across the backyard fence, check out this inspiring video featuring wisdom on a variety of subjects from icons of our time. My favorite quote is from Andrew Wyeth.
Let us know what parenting subjects you're talking about on your blog in the comments below.
"Mom," he tells me, pulling on his jacket, dragging his backpack like a too heavy sack of potatoes out the front door. "I think it's time you and me went on a date." His face brightens on the word "date," highlighting the scandal of such a grownup idea as well as the promise.
I feel myself melting and flash forward to all the lucky girls who will catch his eye years from now. "Absolutely," I tell him, asking where he wants to go.
"The original," he tells me, but I know he means 'the regular'--our favorite pizza place. What can I do but smile?
It wasn't until my chatterbox firstborn was off to pre-school that I realized my darling second born was hardly saying a word. I instituted mother/son dates as a way to coax him out of his shell, to give him a safe space to try out his words, to make the space for conversation that could never happen when our tiny apartment was teaming with neighbors and friends and family, each eager to fill the airwaves with their own commentary.
We started with small talk. What's your favorite color? I'd ask, and before long he reciprocated by asking what was mine. What's your favorite animal? he'd counter while I made up a new answer every time. It was the very beginning of a great conversation.
Now, so many years into our pizza dates, I know that for every secret shared, there will be a fart joke as prelude. And for every point of discussion that interests me deeply, there will be equal time given to talking about the latest intricacies of this or that video game. It's all part of loving a boy in my house, and I'm enjoying the fact that in all our shared silliness, I can see all the ways he's growing up without needing to grow away.
At least not yet, anyway. And that, my friends, is making this mama, very, very happy.
Do you have something special you do with your son? A ritual you both can't bear to miss? Share your point of connection in the comments below.
Here's this week's roundup of everything fun and good online and beyond. Feel free to add your own favorite parenting post or personal resource in the comments below.
Determined to get holiday cards out this year in record time and save a little bit of money in the process? Combine your favorite family pics with a little desktop magic to create lovely do-it-yourself greeting cards with these handy tips from our friends at Shutter Sisters.
One of our favorite finds this week was Amy Joyner of Knit Simply Knit. Amy is an fiber artist, living in an old farm house in rural Virginia. Eavesdrop at her table and prepare to be positively enchanted by the insight and kindness being served up daily.
This popular TED talk is just the medicine for those of you out there who've earned the reputation of being the parent who could land your child in the emergency room. Geek Dad has great commentary on doing dangerous things with your kids.
The air is crisp over here in Silver Spring, Maryland and I'm thinking that pumpkin picking might be in order. Check out these PBS approved activities to make this year's pumpkin a learning experience. For you political junkies out there, skip the math and help your kids carve out the image of your favorite political candidate.
photo above: taken at our school's international night this past week
Every family needs another family to show up at just the right time for all the right reasons. Sometimes you need an extra little sister, so your youngest gets a chance to be the older, helpful one. Sometimes you need someone who's just a little bit wiser than you are to remind you you know exactly what to do.
Moira and L. are dear friends like that to each one of us in the Lemen household. A chance meeting years ago has lead to the kindest and most nurturing of bonds and everyday we are so thankful that our paths crossed so long ago. L. can hang out with Carter in ways that mystify and amaze me--their connection is so true. Moirita wouldn't be the sweet, wild girl she is today without Dave, her favorite "tio." And L. is my rock of Gibraltar when I hit my parenting or personal lows. She knows exactly how to get me through.
These bonds came to us slowly, over time, over many meals, more messes, a few tears and much fun. The bigger our sense of "we" the more space we were able to make for our families to include one another in ways that make all of our lives richer.
Is there someone who is inside your family's definition of "we"? Tell us who your near and dear ones are in the comments below.
This week the blogosphere is chock-full of stories to remind you you're far from alone in this journey we call parenthood. Check out these articles and posts from the best and brightest this week on the web. (Photo above: Celebrating a special birthday with Madeleine and Carter)
Writer and poet Kyran Pittman writes about helping her son work through his apprehension about being sent out of class for gifted and talented. This tender and honest account offers a way through for any parent looking to help a child embrace talent or otherness of all kinds.
If you're worried your son isn't embracing school the way you'd like, consider this helpful look at the academic landscape. Your boy will have a much easier time meeting the challenges when you understand the environment he's navigating.
Mother and labor rights activist Meg Casey writes about being real in fragile times--whether your worries are the financial markets or finding a place to rest your weary head. The friendship of her son Max and his grownup friend Jeff provide just the comfort in this gentle story.
Don't miss these five essential facts every mother should know when it comes to diagnosing behavior problems. And what if it's not a behavior problem at all? What if you're just dealing with a little person who is blissfully just a child? Elaine Gingery offers this tribute to the beauty and imperfections of being five.
Blogging sensation Heather Armstrong writes about learning how to be generous without judgment from the example of her best friend and brother Ranger. I love the way this story is a good conversation starter for parents wondering where to draw the line in chance encounters with people in need on the street.
Do you have a post you'd love to see highlighted this week from the web? Add your favorites in the comments below.
Carter is in a state of near delirium. Yesterday (on my birthday) he talked his father into letting him buy me The Encyclopedia Immaturity: How to Never Grow Up, a big fat red book full of every silly thing you ever forgot from your childhood. Along with this lovely present (so fitting for a fortieth birthday) came this card:
I was not offended. If there is anything I know about Carter, my sage old soul, it's that he understands neither one of us will live forever, and the thought that I would go first just kills him. It's heavy stuff, I know, but that's Carter. The best I can do is live life with him with all the passion and joy I have in my heart; this and this alone gives his tender heart comfort.
Hence, the book. It makes perfect sense. If either one of us could make time stand still by not growing up or getting older--well, nothing could be better than that.
He makes me promise we'll do something from the book everyday. Absolutely. Today it's that trick where you hold your arms in tight against a doorway, then take a step forward and watch them rise like magic (page 60). Remember that one? Tomorrow it's learn how to make noises under your arm (page 18). The Encyclopedia graciously cleans up the titles of all these little tricks, but we know better. Those "funny" noises you make under your arm sound remarkably like someone just cut the cheese--please!
Either way, I'm glad with a seven year old boy, I won't have to grow up anytime soon. At least not until I learn how to build a plastic spoon catapult (page 124) or set the world record on finger snapping (page 47).
What silly little thing are you bringing back from your childhood to enjoy with your kids this time around? Comments are reserved for skipping stones, Miss Mary Mack or whatever else you've got going to keep you young at heart.
This supersister is exhausted this morning--mostly from going way too long without touching one thing on my list-of-things-to-do-when-you're-not-feeling-so-super. You know the list of which I speak, right? That secret list of things every parent needs and every parent neglects when things get too crazy and overwhelming. I'll show you mine if you'll show me yours. And then let's promise each other to cross something off sometime soon, okay?
1. Go to the movies in the middle of the day. This is the true purpose of the sick day, the real reason children go to school, the most essential indulgence of parenting ever. I promise you the scandal of it alone will make everything feel better. Add snowcaps and you're golden.
2. Go for a walk. And I don't mean a power walk to get rid of that last ten pounds. I'm talking a walk in the park, a stroll, a meander. Go slowly and please smell the roses. Extra points if you can pick a path that includes a river, stream, fountain or some other soothing sound of water.
3. Buy groceries that you actually want and that are good for you, not what's on sale or what you think your kids will eat. There are all kinds of foods that never make it on my list because I'm the only one who will eat them. I promise just the sight of that pomegranate in your crisper will make you happy every time you open the frig.
4. Lie in the grass and look at the sky. I'm not kidding. When was the last time I did this? Oh yeah, the very last time I felt totally like myself. Pretend you are seven and that there's nothing to do but pick out Orion's belt or imagine the clouds are heart-shaped just for you. Only good can come from it.
5. Create your own personal chocolate stash and stock it. I knew a woman (a very wise woman) who hid little individually wrapped chocolates above the child proof line of discovery. Coming upon that blissful goodness long after the fact was her lifeline to sanity. I. must. do. this.
6. Collect your own bunch of wildflowers and display them prominently. Do you have any memory of wearing a dandelion necklace? gathering a buttercup bouquet? soaking queen anne's lace in food coloring? Any one of these activities will still make me happy. How about you?
7. Make a mixed tape or iMix or whatever it is the kids are calling it these days. Go ahead. Download Karen Carpenter. You know you still love her. Need to relive your glorious eighties? Madonna is still your girl. Need more cheese? How about Air Supply? Celine Dion? It takes energy to maintain your sophisticated musical taste and sometimes you just want the most over-the-top playlist on earth. I say no one has to know. Go for it.
I hope you're feeling more better than I am this morning. Feel free to say what's not feeling so super in the comments below. And *please* pretty please tell me what's a must-have, must-see, must-do on your list. (Superdads, too!)