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Jen: November 2008 Archives
Some holidays are high on oxytocin, the mothering hormone that makes you actually love these little people who are running you ragged all year long. Other years the holidays are a matter of survival. Put one foot in front of the other. Focus in on their eyes. Listen to what's actually being said. Tune out the little monologue in your head and help yourself to another plate of turkey--tryptophan as mommy's little helper.
I'm having one of those Thanksgiving weekends this year. Nothing too tragic, just the overall awareness that nothing's perfect and there's more than a little repair work to be done in this fixer-upper life of mine. Here's my Rx for holidays that are more feel-better than feel-good.
Send in for the supersisters. Go ahead, lock yourself in the bathroom for five minutes and dial out. Your supersisters can totally hang with a five minute conversation to help you regain your equilibrium. An even better option? See if that tried-and-true friend will do the holidays with you. Everything got easier for me on Thursday when Fatou walked in the door.
Do what's right in front of you. That's right. Focus in on the next task and give it all your attention and love. If that means chopping, chop. If that means sweeping, sweep. By drilling down to this one essential moment, you open yourself up to a new point of view that isn't quite so glum.
Leave the heavy lifting for later. Now is not the time to fix your marriage or figure out the intricate missteps of your complicated childhood. No, leave that for another day when you have time and energy to make real progress. If you really cannot leave your family dysfunction on the back burner for now, throw in a movie and let someone else's fictitious rendition distract you. My dysfunctional family favorites? The Family Stone and One True Thing.
Let a little child lead you. Kids know how to have fun any day of the week, whether the turkey is ready or not. See if you can insert yourself in whatever game or activity has them going right now. A little lego-time, one chapter out of a favorite book, even running around and making noise--all of it will help you get out of your head and into the now.
Eject if necessary. Every mother has years where she needs a little break from all the chaos to get her bearings. Volunteer to run the errand, pick up the butter, take the dog for a walk. Even fifteen minutes out of the house can turn things around in a major way.
What helps you turn the holidays around?
I used to have visions of lovely tables with artful placecards and cloth napkins, freshly bathed children and of-the-earth side dishes adorning a perfectly cooked organic free range turkey. This would be secondary, of course, to our long cherished holiday traditions rife with homemade charm and heartfelt sharing (see lovely note above). We would be one of those families, the ones that make your mouth gape open when you read about them in Mothering magazine. The ones who are so casually down to earth that surely they can only be nothing but absolutely perfect.
The real Thanksgiving (at least at my house) is way more complicated. There are no discernible traditions to speak of. We are more the pajama, wear-what-you-had-on yesterday kind of celebrants. The dishes are laden with preservatives, cream, butter and an ungodly amount of bacon. The guests are from down the street, up the block, around the world--a collection of stray friends with no where else to go, not to mention the occasional stranger.
This is how we do the holidays--laid back, open to outsiders, and for the most part, fairly stress-free.
There's no way to know which pieces of our holiday habits our kids will hold on to twenty Thanksgivings from now. I don't think my mother had any idea how all those years in the kitchen would turn out to be the most cherished memory of all--even if in reality she spent years doing all of the cooking before we were old enough to help. Still, these little quirky things we keep returning to are the stuff of our holiday stories. Our attempts at perfection will quickly be forgotten, but all the rest? That will stay, and for this I'm so, so glad.
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Here's a little holiday survey to take with your kids. Use these questions on your own tribe or answer for yourself.
Do you have any memories of Thanksgiving when you were a little kid? (Little kids especially love to answer this kind of question.)
What's your favorite thing about Thanksgiving?
Do you have a secret Thanksgiving wish?
Comments are open for your favorite replies.
It's the week before Thanksgiving--here's this week's collection of posts to encourage, inspire and get you (and those wild kids!) ready for a great week of connection, gratitude and love.
Are you in a panic thinking about what kind of calamities can happen this week when your children are sitting around the same Thanksgiving table as grownups with long histories with Miss Manners? Check out this good advice from the granddaughter of none other than Miss Emily Post herself.
Need a little perspective? Read about the adventures of Maggie Doyne, a young woman in her twenties who has taken the title Supersister super seriously as she invests her life and energy in being oh-so-sisterly to children at risk in Nepal. You'll be inspired to keep your kids close and look around for more ways to enrich the lives of others around you. You can do something amazing in the blink of an eye.
This humble confession from mom extraordinaire Jen Zug is perfect reading for anyone wondering which battles to pick as we move full force into the holiday season. Sometimes the best defense is offense when it comes to averting kid-like disasters.
And here's a chance to lend a sister a hand. Shannon from Rocks in My Dryer is asking her readers to join her in writing for the Mother Letter Project. A certain anonymous husband is asking people to write letters of encouragement to his wife about mothering, an idea that came to him after the family decided less is more this holiday season. What could be a better surprise than that?
As always, leave your favorite links in the comments below.
After years and years of not having a working television in the house, we have finally surrendered to the three major networks plus public television, courtesy of the handy-dandy rabbit ears over the very outdated set we inherited from the neighbors. It might as well be 1984 around here.
Before you gasp in admiration (or simple shock) let me assure you our kids have missed not one beat of popular culture over the course of their collective childhoods. Every show they could ever pine for is available in one form or another online (see veg out session above), and they have spent hours catching up on every episode on whatever is the latest and greatest according to the playground digerati.
Now that we have real TV, however, I'm feeling more of a need to control or limit their access. Online if they want to watch hours and hours of WordGirl, I'm delighted since I figure they're learning something. But an hour's worth of commercials in between Saturday morning cartoons? Not so much.
What are your strategies for limiting screen time at your house? Do you make a differentiation between TV and computer time? How do you handle advertising and how much exposure your kids have to media messages?
For those of you justifying your TV habits by plopping the kids in front of PBS, check out this article from Children Now about what constitutes quality children's programming and who fits the bill.
I'm not naming any names, but we've had a case of the meanies over here the last few days. Relentless teasing, borderline cruelty, lots of tattling and very loud complaining that doesn't have much basis in reality as far as I can tell. Could it have anything to do with the fact I'm working around the clock, getting ready to go on a business trip this week?
All excuses aside, we've decided there's no reason to be mean, and we mean it. That means lots 'o drama in this battle over who's more reasonable--the child functioning as prosecutor of all things annoying or the the super mean parents who are saying we don't mean to be mean, but you've gotta chill, girl--and fast!
How do you handle a case of the meanies at your house? Do you chalk it up to a phase? Crack down? Try to be nicer? Freak out? Spend time together? Send everyone to their room? This not-usually-so-mean Mama would love to know.
Want to go green but feel overwhelmed about where to start. Iddy Biddy Blog gives you first steps that ease you into a greener way to be that will work for your whole family--especially your kids.
If you're still processing the magnitude of this week's election, go give a listen to the Moms Call In the Vote Mobile Circle, a collection of audio responses from women all over the country who phoned in their experiences with their kids at the polls. I'm still moved to hear all those voices happy to be engaged in the political process.
A friend passed this photography blog on to me this week, knowing I would swoon (and I did). Soak in Tara's lovely images and read about her trip to Thailand with some supersisters who dared leave home (and many children) for a great adventure.
Wondering what kind of magic might be in order around your house, your yard, your five year old? How about a home for the fairies? Follow Em on a lovely adventure with her daughter as they build a little nest for any stray fairies in need of kindness and shelter.
What's on your weekend calendar? Share what you're looking forward to in the comments below.
By this point most kids will move right past all the political hoopla--unless, of course, it means they get to stay up late again tonight. Please, mom, please! Uh, sorry. That won't be happening anytime soon. Trust me. Okay, okay, maybe for the inauguration.
Whether you're waking up this morning thrilled with the election results or feeling like the world is falling apart, there's one thing that will still work like magic with kids and that is the power of the vote.
Voting gives kids (and the rest of us) an incredible sense of autonomy, self-determination and power. And you don't have to understand democracy to feel good. Especially if you're three.
Okay, guys, who's voting that we should eat ice cream right now?
Everyone who would like to have a dance party in the kitchen, raise your hand!
Who votes for watching the princess movie one more time while mom cooks dinner?
Let's have a vote to decide if we should make brownies or not!
Do you see a trend here?
It can also work in a crisis. Sorry, guys, I didn't vote for fighting in the car for three hours, and I'm sure you didn't either.
There will be plenty of time to explain the electoral college, but in the meantime, let's have some fun and invite these kids to say yes over and over again in the most positive, powerful ways.
What are you voting for today at your house? The polls are open in the comment section below.
So where do you fall in the post-Halloween candy debate? Do you let your kids plow through the spoils or are you more inclined to ration out the sugar and then make it all disappear? If this is a sticky discussion at your house, consider these Ten Sweet Strategies for Halloween Candy from yours truly.
It's countdown to the election, and if your house is anything like mine, your kids are more than a little interested in finding out what happens next. If you'd like to turn some of that curiosity into a learning opportunity, check out this helpful article about how to make the most of your voting experience.
Looking for something soothing on these cool fall days? Sink into the beauty of this photo essay from Soule Mama.
Desperate for a little luxury especially now that you're pinching your pennies? Superstar Maggie Mason offers ten little luxuries any supersister can love for under ten dollars.
Need a (very good) laugh? Race over to Flawed But Authentic and leave your confession with Lies Mrs. G Has Told Her Children. If you are desperate to get over that pull-up hump, this really might be your answer.
Here's hoping those little goodies make your weekend reading that much nicer. Let us know your favorite posts from the online parenting world in the comments below.