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Jen: February 2009 Archives
Why I Love "Bad" Babies. If you are walking around this morning positively mortified by your children's behavior in the grocery store, check out this post from a woman who's seen it all and loves your kids anyway. Low on judgment, high on humor, this checkout girl offers gentle advice from the trenches.
The Gimme Monster. And just in case, your children really do need an intervention for horrific grocery store behavior, here's some tried and true advice about how to stave off the urge for acquisition in your tiniest shopping companions.
Living the Day You're Given. And if you're worried your life is wasting away, picking up blocks and hosing down your little messmaker, this piece by the waste-less mom will give you just the mojo you need to get on the floor and cover what the true needs are of the day.
You Have Everything You Need. Single mom and writer Jennifer New writes about the struggles of starting a new life on your own with two kids in the midst of a painful divorce. Her honest reflections will be sure to buoy moms of every situation who are looking for ways to bring strength and resilience to trying times.
I love it when Bill Bennett the author of The Book of Virtues tells the story about his wife yelling downstairs during bedtime with a hearty, "Hey, how about some of those family values up here?" Bennett relays this in a playful and light-hearted tone, but I get the point.
How do we know if our kids are catching our values? Especially when you're the kind of person who is often distracted exporting your values in your work or your neighborhood or your blog for that matter?
Jean Illsley Clark, one of my favorite parenting experts, theorizes that children decide between ages 6-12 which parental values they will take as their own. They do this by testing the waters, obeying rules and sometimes breaking them, often as an experiment to see which values really fit. Unfortunately for parents, kids can't always explain to us why they do what they do, but that doesn't mean that we can't quietly make real life arguments for what matters to us the very most.
Since I'm smack dab in the middle of 6-12 year old parenting right now, here's what I'm doing to help my kids understand what's important to me. I hope you'll add to my list in the comments below.
Tell stories. Even though I've been involved in helping immigrant women escape unfair and abusive work environments here in the US for the last few years, Madeleine recently confessed she had no idea what my work was exactly or why. I spent the next few weeks telling bedtime stories from real life about the women we know and the adventures we'd shared on their journey to a better life. Madeleine enjoyed these stories immensely and it gave her a great framework to consider her own perspective.
Leave your kids out. While your toddlers and preschoolers can most of the time be cajoled into doing anything you're enthusiastic about, your bigger kids might be a different story. I think it's okay to not insist that your kids go with you to help your neighbor or volunteer at the animal shelter because it gives them a chance to observe the value at a distance without the pressure to perform.
Invite them back in. Once you've given your kids some space to say no honestly if they don't want along for the ride, make it a point to create circumstances where they have a genuine place to contribute. Sometimes it takes kids a while to warm up to a new service opportunity and then they don't know how to say they really would like to go, too.
Turn up your radar for other values outside your own. My kids may or may not grow up with a love for strangers or immigrant rights, but these experiences may be the gateway to other causes or concerns that are equally valuable. The point is to encourage any and all displays of kindness, thoughtfulness and genuine concern whether that manifests itself in wanting to help make snacks for friends coming over or wanting to do a good job in school. Compassion and responsibility in all forms is good, so I say go with it.
Walk it, don't just talk it. You can tell a hundred stories or give a hundred speeches at the dinner table about what's important and why, but in the end it's what you actually do and how you do it that your kids will learn by heart. If you're not sure what's coming across, ask your kids what is most important to you--they'll be happy to tell you.
What values do you hope your kids take from you? I'd love to hear your big ones in the comments below.
This weekend roundup is dedicated to the three year old princesses I love. If you are enamored, struggling, enjoying (or trying not to strangle) the little diva in your house, this one is for you. Take a deep breath, sisters, the best is yet to come.
Take that queenly energy and give your pre-schooler a world (or word) to rule. I suggest words like request, insist, believe and recognize. This may sound like a mouthful, but I promise you this power vocabulary will give your wild girl something big to say when she decides it's time to get her point across. Word Girl is your friend in all things vocabulary related.
And speaking of superheroes, maybe your mini-dictator needs a cape to fulfill her rule and conquer fantasies. While Disney tries to mold the tired old princess into a woman for a new day, plain-old superheroes get to have all their power without the pomp and circumstance. This kit from Klutz is just the thing to transform diva into dynasty in all the best ways.
Worried your girl is too high on yourself? Harboring secret fantasies for a well-mannered, "nice" girl who won't make any waves? Do a ten year review and ask yourself this question: How many times would having the confidence to say "no" have served me better? How many times has saying "yes" and bringing myself in line with the status quo been my saving moment? Then go check in and see what spitfire Maggie Doyne is doing with all that spunk and spirit in Nepal. I promise it will give you the tiniest bit of courage to let this girl of yours marinate a little bit longer in her desire to self-determine.
Still not convinced? Raising Girls is your one stop destination for giving your wild girl all the confidence and courage she needs to be her best self. You won't be sorry you stretched yourself--of this much I feel confident!
What's your sticky point when your girl won't get with the program? Feel free to confess your most common hesitations in the comments below.
As I write this entry, my dear children are having a vigorous debate where Child A is asserting the logic of another child's actions while Child B is deeply mired in the emotional content of the incident in question. I'm not sure either kid is making any sense to the other but the intensity to the disagreement is making me wish I could make a backdoor exit to the nearest coffee shop.
I've been practicing staying out of these kinds of fights lately, since the conflict centers mostly around fundamental differences in how each child views the world. Child A sees most problems through the lens of choices and consequences, while Child B prefers to examine perceived intentions and emotional impact. If I choose to engage, I'll be saying more about my own preferences than the truth of the matter. Fact is, there's no problem on this earth that can't stand to be examined from a variety of angles. Our best solutions come when we consider love and logic, facts and feelings. Or so my better self tells me when all I want to do is lay down the law and institute my point of view as the-way-it-really-is, no questions asked.
So I bite my tongue and listen as each child educates the other on their own particular point of view. Ten tortuous minutes later, the exchange sounds something like this:
Child A: I'm just saying that I don't think it's fair for you to be angry especially when he wasn't choosing to hurt you. Didn't he already apologize a hundred times?
Child B: You mean you think I should forgive him?
Child A: Yes, I do.
Child A then went on to support the forgiveness argument with data I found more than a little sketchy, but Child B was satisfied. Child C was forgiven and the argument came to a natural conclusion. End of discussion.
Next up for the future conflict mediator and her boundary savvy little brother: Whether you can say you believe in Jesus and still think he's dead. I think I'll skip that Starbucks now and go straight upstairs and take a nap.
What's your stance on sibling disagreements? Do you step in? Stay out? Send yourself to your room as soon as possible? I'd love to hear what your personal rules of engagement are in the comments below.
Happy Valentine's Day, all you supersisters and superdads out there surfing the web on this notorious day of love! Isn't it too bad that it's not required that grownups get the names of all the other grownups on their street and have to sit down for three hours at the dining room table and sign your name to store bought (or homemade) valentines? Can you just see yourself picking the pink one for Anne and thinking that this one is waaay too mushy for Bob who always picks up your paper across the street? If only the instituted thoughtfulness of Valentine's Day could be par for the course your whole life long.
Well, there's nothing stopping you today, my friends, from sending some anonymous love to the people that you greet when you're walking down the street--thank you Sesame Street for permanently etching that song in my brain forever. Here are some love-filled ideas along with some inspiring links to help you spread the love, no matter what's going on at your house.
Love Notes to the City. This little idea sparked a lot of love and hope in not only my town but so many other cities (and countries!) around our globe. Take those leftover valentines that the kids didn't use yesterday, sign them from "the friend you haven't met yet" and leave them all over the bathrooms, bus stops, fitting rooms and deli counters in your neighborhood. I promise someone out there will be so very glad you did.
Need to salvage Valentine's Day from Hallmark? Wrench this commercial holiday free from all the store bought expectations and find out that love is alive and well at your house after all. Kindness girl (aka supersister Patience) has some great Rx to make your day great even if you-know-who is showing now signs of remembering the big Love day.
Feeling blue about all the love you lost or suspect might be permanently missing? You might be way more normal than you think. Superhero and mom Andrea Scher writes about a recent encounter with some dear friends who helped her see that when it comes to love, we're all in this together.
And last but not least, some of you out there are harboring big dreams that someday you will do something big and unexpected, something that will honor your life with your kids, something that will give you a chance to be wildly creative. Well these down-to-earth mamas in Richmond are inviting you to get out your video camera and tell it like it is when comes to love, life and most especially birth. Ricki Lake of the Business of Being Born is judging, so this is sure to be good, good, good. Not to mention filmmaker Abby Epstein.
And thank you all for participating in the Supersister Valentine Giveaway. Grand Prize Winners to be announced...
To be perfectly honest, our family has been going through a hard time over the last year. Old bonds that once felt bedrock have fallen on more difficult times, and we are each in our own ways feeling the pain of unsolved problems and shifting expectations and roles. If you've ever had a major upset in your own family, you know exactly how painful a time like this can be. The worst part so often is worrying about your kids and wondering if they are really okay and if your own failure to work through your own problems is ruining them forever.
I know from experience that no one is fooled when you try to put on a good show and that no matter how hard we try as parents to shield our children from every sorrow, it's a mistake to think that our job is to make their lives problem-free. Struggle is a part of being human, and having someone on your side is a gift that can actually heal, especially during times when we feel most alone.
The other night I asked one of my children what was helping the most during this hard time in our family, and what immediately came to the surface was how comforted this child felt in the happy house of a dear friend. All the things missing in our family at the moment were present in the home of another and somehow that kindness was lending comfort and courage. My heart broke knowing I was unable to offer what was needed from our own family, but I told this child with all sincerity how deeply glad I was for this gift of compassion at such an important time. This sweet child of mine drifted off into a peaceful sleep, clearly relieved to confess how much was missing, but also glad to know that I could hold the truth, no matter how hard or how painful it can sometimes be.
It's not everyday I would share a story as personal as this one, but I'm aware today that for every blissed out Supersister there might be another in a secret, quiet struggle. Know today you really aren't alone in this, and that even when times are incredibly hard, our love for our children and our humility around our failures are offerings more powerful than we can begin to imagine.
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No matter what is going on at your house, you can still leave a comment to be entered into our SuperSister Valentine Giveaway. Grand prize winners will receive a fancy schmancy HP Wireless Printer with all the bells and whistles or one highly coveted SweetPeace from Graco. Comment today and you could win some lovely ABC cards pictured here. Add your own kind thoughts in the comments and together we'll weave a nice thread of encouragement for everyone today who needs it most. And before I forget, the winner of yesterday's giveaway is Libby!
Here's a terrific project that every mom, dad and child can love. Send something lovely together as a family and you just might find your submission in a real live film like you've never seen before. Author and artist Amy Krouse Rosenthal has a sweet spot for goodness that is simple and heartfelt and she's still taking submissions.
Valentine's Day can be a challenge for the lovers at your house--and yes, I mean you! Just in case you're lamenting that you will ever have a meaningful, romantic evening ever again with your partner or spouse, here's a little Rx for the holiday of love. No babysitter will be required and I promise a night like this can only have a happy ending.
Are your kids despairing that there is no puppy to love in your house? Make everyone happy by doing a loving good deed that every kid (andforlorn puppy) is sure to love.
What is today's awesome giveaway you ask? 12 technology loving people will win a PBS Kids Go Flash drive bracelets!
![GO!_Flash_Drive_Bracelets[1].JPG](http://www.pbs.org/parents/supersisters/GO%21_Flash_Drive_Bracelets%5B1%5D.JPG)
Leave a comment telling us whether you are in total love with Valentine's Day or are wishing it away this year for your chance at winning a drive bracelet.
Our winter wish winners from yesterday are Lauren and Maria-Donna! Congrats!
I've been leaving singing phone messages lately to supersisters who are feeling blue. Nothing sweet or dignified, I have to confess. No, I've been singing the cheesiest, most embarrassing ballads from the 70's and 80's. Barry Manilow, wherever you are right now, I still know every single word you ever sang by heart. Ditto, Air Supply. Lionel Richie, I really miss you.
My children have taken to shrugging their shoulders and returning to the latest episode of Judge Judy (Madeleine) or Sid the Science Guy (Carter). "I don't know what to tell you," Madeleine said to one of the neighborhood kids the other day. "She just starts singing into the phone for no reason."
Well, I have my reasons, and I don't mind spelling it out. We've had so many snow days and cancellations and national holidays and special occasions and teacher work days in the Washington DC area lately that school is starting to feel optional. The kids can't tell the weekdays from the weekends, and every mother I know is starting to lose it. To make matters worse, we're at that stage of winter where you start to forget there is any other season but winter. It seems unlikely that we will ever get out of the black hole of snow pants and layers and stray socks and piles of boots by the front door, and you can only eat so many pans of brownies and vats of yummy soup before you realize that you can't make winter go away by tripling your daily calorie intake.
This is why Barry Manilow is needed. This is why the phone singing is essential. Eating will not make winter go away, but singing will make it better. This much I know is true.
What cheesy old song on your answering machine would make you happy right now? Leave us a comment, any comment at all before 8PM tonight, and you'll be entered in today's Supersister's Valentine Giveaway--the latest greatest Steve Songs CD, the most delightful, refreshing, un-Barry Manilow-esque album ever. We have 10 to give away so lots of people will win today! And don't forget, anyone and everyone who comments on any post between now and Valentine's Day will be entered into a drawing to receive a very spiffy HP Photosmart Printer or the Graco SweetPeace.
Our winners of the awesome Word Girl tees from yesterday are...drum roll please... Nicola, Ann and Wife and Mommy!!!! Congrats!
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