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Jen: June 2009 Archives
By the time you read this, I'll be on my way to visit dear friends in the northeast province of Umutara in Rwanda. One of the things I'm looking forward to most about this trip is the chance to be with little children in the village--these two little girls in particular who lost their parents to AIDS when they were still preschoolers.
It would be easy to focus on this as yet another really sad story, but the truth is there is still so much hope and acceptance and love around the world--even in the face of loss and profound disappointment--with these two sweet girls especially. I want my children to see the silver lining, so here's what I'll tell them about the children I meet.
Kids all over the world have the same developmental tasks as you do. Everyone laughs because I actually do use phrases like "developmental tasks" with my kids, but I think it's important for them to recognize what their brains and bodies are trying to do at each particular age and stage. To help them understand that all kids have these same interests and challenges--no matter where they live--makes the world a little bit smaller a place.
Kids all over the world know how to do amazing things. While my kids might be mortified to talk to the shopkeeper or do certain things by themselves, kids in Africa, for instance, have tons of experience in navigating public transit, managing their own time and taking care of the needs of themselves and others. Instead of painting a picture of need, I want my kids to know they have plenty to learn from kids around the world who are full of spunk and can-do energy.
Kids all over the world need each other. No matter where you live as a child in today's world, your future will be shared not only by the people on your street, but by those who live a continent away. Our environment, our economies, our education structures will continue to be more interconnected as technology brings us closer together and makes us each more beholden to the others as our choices increasingly affect one another.
What do you want your kids to know about the world? What favorite books or movies or stories help you share your particular worldview.
By the time you read this, I'll be on a plane on my way to Rwanda to set some things in order for an upcoming project. Of all the questions people ask me about international travel, here's the one I get the most: What do you do about your kids?
Here are a few things I've learned about how to take care of your kids when you know you need to be away for an extended period:
Only leave them with their favorite caregivers. Now is not the time to stretch them or ask them to do hang in there with someone who they aren't so sure about. Your tried and true favorite babysitters or family friends will be your best bet now.
Try to center all childcare arrangements within your home. For my kids anyway, I find that things go much more smoothly when I'm not sending them here and there or piece mealing their childcare arrangements. Plan to preserve home base and let caregivers come to you as often as possible.
Build in rituals for hellos and goodbyes. I make a conscious effort to spend quality one-on-one time with each of my kids at least once before I go and once when I return. Carter especially looks forward to these connecting times and it gives us a chance to talk deeply (or just have fun) before I go.
Stock up on faves and raves. I don't always have the budget to do this, but when I do, I try to make sure my kids' comfort foods are on hand and that they have easy access to good decent snacks to serve themselves. Kids whether they show you or not are concerned with their basic survival, so this is an important security measure that can go a long way.
Plan something fun to look forward to for the end of your stay. Everyone will start to get a little antsy and be ready for you to come home. You'll make those hard days easier by making plans for the kids to see favorite friends (or cousins) in the days right before you arrive.
Check in about what worked and what didn't while you were gone. By giving your kids permission to be honest, you'll get the inside scoop on what really happens and what you can do to make it work better next time. Give them all your empathy for the parts that didn't work; it's never easy when mom is away and it's only fair to acknowledge that.
What about you? Have you ever left your kids to go far away? What little things helped ease your journey?
We had our tent exactly ten years before it ever made its way out of the box onto a real campground. The first time we camped, Carter spent the entire time looking like this:
While the rest of us responded like this while he complained and cried ALL DAY long:
It was no fun, let me tell you.
Two years later, I'm happy to report, we recently had a very positive camping experience that I'd love to share, but before I do, I'd love to know how camping works with your family. Did you grow up in a camping family? Do all your kids like to camp, or do you, like me, have a wild card on your hands who's been known to fall apart when encountering anything new and potentially overwhelming?
Whose working harder? Who has it worse? Who is the "real mother" in the bunch? These are the questions stalking the blogosphere this last week as mothers hash it out over who has it harder in life--the work-at-home mom or the work-outside-the-home mom?
This supersister is pretty sure that the grass is always greener no matter which side of the fence you're on, and there's no perspective more skewed than the one you have when you're knee deep in the trials and tribulations of your own particular stressed out existence.
Here's a thought: What could happen if we could offer kindness and empathy to the other mother by letting her know we recognize the hard parts of the particular choice she has made? What kind of encouragement and connection would be possible then? What if we focused on the positive aspect of our own choices and asked for help when we struggle to accept the inevitable limitations inherent in each and every path? What would happen to the mommy wars then?
I think the primary issue is our own insecurities about the choices we make. We each and everyone of us have moments when we wonder if we're doing it right, if we made a fatal error, if our kids will hate us for not being there enough or for being present and constantly distracted. Instead of dividing ourselves up into who works where, how about acknowledging our common ground. We all work. And it's hard. And because of that, we need each other so, so much.
Don't you think?
It's the first day of summer break, the kids slept in late and the house is remarkably quiet. All this will change in five more minutes, I'm sure, but for now, I'm taking in the luxurious silence.
One of the casualties of a tenuous economy is the luxury of summer camp and paid childcare. When budgets are tight and you're a stay-at-home or work-at-home mom, activities for kids can sometimes be the first to go, especially when there is a price tag attached. Almost every mom I know--working or not--is feeling the pinch, and I dare say there was actual panic being exchanged from eye to eye yesterday as we waited for the bus one last time for this school year.
Lucky, lucky for me, my friend Lourdes has a work schedule almost completely opposite of mine. We've worked it out so that her daughter is with me most mornings and that she'll come over and keep an eye on mine while I hole up in my office on her available afternoons. With three kids between us, it doesn't feel like too much--especially since in many ways our kids have grown up together. I'm happy to have Moira along with my kids--and my kids consider Lourdes a lifelong friend.
Do you have a summer sister? Someone who's willing to be there for you in the in between times when you need an extra hand? Someone whose kids you feel are in some way your very own? Tell us about your summer sisters in the comments below.
If your house is like my house, there are as many opinions as there are people when it comes to deciding what to do. What one person considers to be fantastic fun, the other considers a drag, and on and on it goes. How to get the whole crew on the same page when everyone has so many varying perspectives on what makes for a good time?
I have yet to completely crack this code, but I do have a few tricks up my sleeve that seem to work, especially when it's just me and the kids. I'll be offering a little series this summer of suggestions for those summer standoff moments. Here's my first:
At the beginning of summer have everyone (littles included) sit around the table. Help each child make a list of their absolute favorite summer activities. If you have a wide range of ages, ask your bigger kids to be sure to include some items even the little ones can do. Let everyone pick their personal top five (repeats are fine) and write the selected entries on little slips of paper. Add in your own essential sanity savers ("30 free minutes of screens" or "Watch a quiet movie") and throw all the papers in a bowl you can keep somewhere safe.
This is how it will work. Each kid will take a turn pulling an activity out of the pile, knowing that sooner or later their absolute fave will be the choice pick. If you're kids are really, really into it, you can take the list one step further and add some qualifiers. We marked some of our favorites with a little drawing of the sun to signify that that particular activity required good weather and others with a dollar sign to show that this activity would only be possible if mom had cash on hand. That way when "bike riding" comes up on a rainy day, there's no drama and everyone understands that (of course) we have to draw again. And one more thing--make sure that the slip of paper doesn't go back into the pile after your outing--that way you'll be sure to do everything on everyone's list, at least once this summer.
You'll note this is really just a glorified way of learning how to take turns, but that's exactly the point. Some sibling sets need one more layer between themselves and the decision making process and a tiny slip of paper in a bowl is sometimes just the right thing.
What do you think? Would it work at your house? Why or why not?
In case you are one of the moms out there saying, "But, but, but, how do you deal with _______?" or "What about __________?" I'll be happy to address your questions or objections in the comments below or even a future post.
Okay, it's my turn to join the ranks of the supersisters (ahem, Kristen) who are always taking their kids to the emergency room. Last night Carter had an episode of constant coughing that left him unable to breathe and the rest of us breathless wondering if he was having a dangerous allergic reaction to something.
With Madeleine in tears and Dave and I on the edge of our seats, we drove Carter to our local hospital, hoping nothing serious was the matter. Lucky for us, there's nothing like adrenaline to set your system in perfect order, because the second Carter realized he was going to see a doctor he didn't know *in the hospital* of all places, his sheer terror brought that horrible coughing to a screeching halt.
We were home in under two hours, crisis averted, but our nerves completely shot. What can compare to the fear that your kid will actually stop breathing? In any case, we're all breathing easier this morning and hoping you are safe and sound with no ER visits in your future.
Let me tell you, it was no fun.
It's almost the last day of school (or so my kids tell me every morning) and excitement is high about the freedom of summer. They are envisioning endless visits to the park, spontaneous runs for ice cream and hours on end with me jumping and playing in the pool. I'm seeing me frantic, running back and forth from my home office to their part of the house where they happily eat snacks, make messes and watch way too many shows on the computer, while waiting for me to find something for all of us to do.
Anyone else out there cash-poor for camps and worried about how to keep the kids happy while getting your own work done? Let me know I'm not alone in the comments below.
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