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Patience: August 2008 Archives
reclaiming a chai latte and strawberry coffee cake
Summer is over. Did you read that, summer is OVER! When something is over, it's the perfect time for a new beginning. How about kissing the summer mother goodbye and saying hello to the woman of fall. Whether you are shipping kids off to school next week or are a home educator, it's always a good idea for every woman to take stock of little bits lost and invite some new parts in.
Here are a few ideas to get you headed in the right direction and frame of mind:
1. Take a very long bath. Drop those kids off at school in your pajamas (Jen has actually done this) and come back home for a good long soak. Light candles in the middle of the day and stay submerged until your toes look like raisins. Good ideas swirl and start while staring at bubbles. If you still have little ones around, make a trade with a friend or invite them in. A bad bath is still better than laundry and dishes.
Working moms can make an attempt at retreat during dinner. Everyone's faces are busy making it the perfect time to sneak away.
2. Catch a Matinee. Pick a movie that isn't G-rated and go to the noon showing. I promise you sitting in the dark by yourself with a box of raisinets is a good idea. This short get-a-way will feel luxurious and still give you time to make it to the carpool line by 2:30pm.
3. Buy yourself flowers and ridiculously expensive chocolate or coffee/tea. Find the freshest of your favorite flower to splurge on. Forget showcasing them in your foyer or dining room table, make tiny arrangements and put them places you really live. Next to your kitchen sink, your bedside table, the bathroom, even over the washer and dryer.
Same goes for chocolate, buy anything over 70% cacao and hide them all over the house. Underwear and kitchen utensil drawers, bathroom vanities and inside of old coat pockets.
You'll find them when you need it most, reminding you to care for yourself when you forget a month down the road.
4. Make a list. After you have done a proper amount of self-care make a list of three things you want to do before the end of the year. None of these things can have anything to do with children. What have you wanted to try but never made time for? What calls to you but feels frivolous? Is there something you used to do but lost along the way?
Is your brain longing for more intellectual stimulation, are you an artist trapped in a minivan, when was the last time you rode a horse?
Find pretty paper, write the needs down and put this most important list smack in the middle of refrigerator next to the kid art and above the honey-do pad.
5. Call a Supersister. Call your best and most encouraging Supersister and read your list.
Ask her to hold you to your new manifesto of feminine bliss and invite her to join you with her own. Meet at least one time in the next 90 days at your favorite restaurant for dinner and to discuss your progress. Even if it totally flops, the time together is worth it for you and her.
Tell us Supersisters...What are your secrets for reclaiming the best parts of you? Leave your ideas in the comments, we all need them.
I've heard that when you have a child it's like a part of your heart is now roaming around the earth outside of your body. I have never felt those words more heavily than the day I sent my son Josiah to kindergarten.
Preschool seemed safe, like an extension of home. There were lots of mothers with babies on their hips lingering around and muslin tote bags hanging on hooks, nothing felt very official.
When did kindergarten become so serious? Full length school days, supply lists, homework and backpacks that look like luggage. I felt like I was releasing my boy to the big wide world. While I was excited for all the two had for each other, I felt the gravity of this new and necessary stage of sharing him.
The first week went well and Josiah seemed to be adjusting nicely until we had an unexpected school switch. His new teacher was not exactly the most sensitive soul on the planet and the third morning of the new class proved to be a breakdown sort of day.
I stood at the door way to say goodbye and Josiah burst into tears.
"Why is he crying?" the new teacher said in an annoyed tone.
Peace, gentleness, kindness, these are deep values I hold to. Rage and violence actually seemed like an option in that moment is all I'll say.
"Because this is a big change Mrs. X and it's okay to cry when you feel overwhelmed and unsure in a new situation. Can you give us just a minute? Thanks." I replied while daggers flew from my eyes.
Josiah buried his face into his hands while long sobs flowed out of him. My heart was in about a million pieces. Jack put his hand on Josiah's back and a baby Lucy on my hip held his head. We all hugged for just a minute while I tried to figure out what to do.
"I can't do it Mom, I can't go in there..." he cried.
"I know, I know this is REALLY hard. Can you look at me?"
I was racking my brain while trying not to completely fall apart myself. I knew intuitively if I took him home it would make it worse but I also new I had about 3 seconds to turn this situation around. He needed some thing real and very big, he needed the strength of my heart.
I desperately felt in all my pockets hoping I had something tangible to give him; I had nothing except my keys. I quickly unscrewed a tiny old key off my chain while wondering if he'd even buy my meager attempt at helping him cope.
"Buddy, do you see this key? This key is very special because it holds all my strength and love. I want you to take this key and put it in your hand. This is so hard but I know you can do it. When you feel scared, sad or unsure reach in your pocket and feel the key because it means my love and heart are with you okay?"
"Do you feel it? I'm giving it to you right now, in this very moment."
His tear stained eyes looked up and nodded. He knew he had to go.
We hugged and I whispered one last "I love you and I'm with you" in his ear and he walked into the room. I barely made it to the car until I burst into tears and cried the entire way home. I picked him up later that day fully expecting round two of emotional parenting hell but he was surprisingly okay. I was so relieved to find out he still had my made up treasure and hadn't lost it.
"I think that key helped me mom, I just kept feeling it in my pocket. Thanks."
He took the little key everyday for the next week until he decided he didn't need it anymore.
What he doesn't know is that even without a key, he will carry my heart forever.
Jack is next and this time I'm prepared, I cut this little heart out today.
Calling all Supersisters: Tell us in the comments your first day of school traditions and rituals that help with the transition of new teachers and a new school year? a special breakfast, a secret wink, a note in a lunch box, etc... Or even better, what did you do in moments of crisis like Josiah's or Carter's? Don't hold out on us!
The PBS Parent masters have some great advice here about how to help the start be smooth for everyone. You can also check out this on how to build a good relationship with the other person spending so much time with your child.
I'm not a complainer but please don't tell my husband because he might laugh and slightly disagree. Okay, so I occasionally unload on him as he is my safest person on the planet but I'd like to believe I'm not a whiner in the grand scheme.
This makes it hard when my kids, well, are kids. I have this unspoken expectation for them to be the same or I would prefer they be more agreeable.
When my daughter Lucy turned two I noticed a new response when I told her "No" for anything. She dissolved into all out total drama. Crying was the usual but then she added wailing, throwing her body on the bed sobbing, and she had an extremely high need to tell someone else about my transgressions.
"Papa, mama just doesn't understand, she doesn't understand."
This tiny girl with big brown eyes would tell anyone who would listen what happened, her brothers, her dad, aunts, cousins and friends. She just needed to tell someone and then it was fine. I have to be honest, in the beginning I felt mildly persecuted. I know it's silly to have such a reaction from a two year old's tantrum but maybe it was my inner child wishing I could do the same.
After getting over the complete injustice of my toddler's behavior, I kind of surrendered to it. I still said no but completely gave her space to complain (without my inner seething) to anyone about me.
Just the other day I refused to let her have a popsicle for breakfast. What a tragedy, I know. She ran sobbing to my husband who hugged her, validated her disappointment and closed the conversation with a few gentle words to back me up.
The drama was over very quickly and the surprise of all surprises, she made a speedy return with a hug for ME.
"I feel better mama." Lucy said.
"I'm glad Luce." I returned.
It isn't just Lucy. Jack slumps his body and mopes around when I have to tell him for the 57,000th time that it is not a video game day. Josiah gives us flashes of pre-adolescence when he turns into a moody Max every third week.
Instead of wishing for attitude changes and doing one too many happiness checks in my mind, I am joining my family members in being both human and an individual. I'm going on a hunch there is space and enough love for it all.
So if you are like me, go ahead and complain to and with your kids, everyone will feel better.
A few years ago the teachers in my son's preschool class noticed the kids seemed to be struggling with lots of conflict. It was towards the end of the school year when classmates are more comfortable with each other and start acting almost like siblings.
Instead of whipping the kids into shape with a reminder of rules, the teachers found a more creative approach to changing the feel in the classroom. They invited a puppet named Verde to come and talk to the kids about being kind to one another. The kids and Verde came up with the idea of documenting acts of kindness. Everyday, the children were on the hunt to find the acts happening around them, not their own. Before long there were lists all over the room and kindness had worked its magic.
I was so touched by the idea and wondered if it could work for our family. We gathered the markers, decorated our own sheet and proudly displayed the colorful paper on the refrigerator.
"Mom! Mom! Jack helped Lucy put her jacket on, put it on the list mom!" Josiah yelled from the other room.
"Josiah, mom made pancakes, we LOVE pancakes mom. I think it's an act of kindness..." Jack said trying to find something in the hunt for goodness.
I sat at the table one night watching my husband Jorge and thought to myself, "Awww, He DOES love me, look at him doing the dishes."
I quietly walked to the door and added his act to the list. I started noticing the things he was doing instead of focusing on our long standing "discussion" on division of labor.
A week later small things held new value and peace had claimed a bigger stake in our everyday family life. The list eventually filled up and faded with water marks and juice stains but I didn't have the heart to take it down until we moved. Every once in awhile when everyone gets kind of grouchy and sick of each other, I revive the idea even if it is only identified in words. Kindness can always find it's way back if we just look for it.
What are your secrets for turning things around when your family is in a funk?
Try this kindness activity and tell us if it was a winner or a bomb at your house, or any variations that you think would work better.
"I have an idea, an idea Mom!" Lucy says in her sleep. Even in her sleep this kid is hatching a plan. She is nestled in the crook of my arm and I wait a little longer to hear more of the sleep talking brilliance but it isn't long before she is snoring again.
The only problem is now I can't sleep and ideas are running through my head.
The mental chatter starts...All I can think about is how I've been running a frat house all summer. Kids up until all hours, eating by hunger instead of clocks, more junk, more t.v. and video games, less reading, you get the idea. I'm a total slacker summer mother. The suggested reading list is still on the refrigerator held up by a kid creation Christmas magnet. There are no checks in the tiny boxes.
I am the redemptive mother variety, some of my best ideas flow from guilt and procrastination. I used to judge myself for such traits, now I believe they should be celebrated.
So after brushing up on my Back-to-School knowledge, I decided to make an attempt to revive any potential creative juices left in my children's brains. My almost 10 year old niece was very excited to help. Since we didn't read the suggested books why not just write our own instead?
Bookmaking 101
1. We cut simple white computer paper into different sizes.
2. We then cut bright card stock about a ½ inch around the white squares.
3. Then we sewed them together using all those fancy stitches no one ever uses on their sewing machines. Anyone that can sew a straight line can make these. (kids included)
No sewing machine? Try stapling or hole punching and using ribbon to bind together.
The books were way fun for the kids to help create and fantastic for inspiring budding authors. These can be great for introducing tiny flip books, story books, illustration books or just handy journals.
A bundle of handmade books is also a great gift for your new teacher to keep in her writing center. Don't you feel like the mother of the year now? Summer slackerness be gone.
I was sitting at my sister's kitchen table eating blueberries when Fatou walked in. She is Jen's dear friend but might as well be mine, sisterhood is wide that way.
Fatou, in all of her six foot African beauty hugged me tightly.
We exchanged pleasantries but it wasn't long before she started asking real questions and working the magic of her wisdom.
"How is Lucy?" she inquired about my youngest child who is now two. Fatou somehow knows my girl without spending much time with her at all.
Lucy Joy.
Lucy is...
The girl who insists that the world take note of her presence just by breathing.
The girl who has excellent "instructional" skills.
(Thank you Jen for giving us a positive word/code for bossy)
The girl who loves popsicles and puppy dogs with all of herself.
The girl who soaks in pretty, the pretty in her, the pretty in the world.
The girl who breathes capability and confidence.
The girl whose joy fills every room she enters.
Fatou stared at my ever growing belly and said with her native accent,
"Her government is going down, no?"
I laughed while wonder filled the back of my mind.
Will the government really fall or it is just acquiring a new cabinet member?
I have to admit I have worried about what adding a new person will do to the mix of our family. What it will do to Lucy. But then I remember Fatou and my own sisters. The truth is there is nothing like a sister, those of blood and those chosen over time. The government and sisters are rising. I'm not sure the world is ready for Lucy and her sister or for the Supersisters rising everywhere.
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