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Patience: August 2009 Archives
It was a rough day at the community pool. Community usually involves sharing of some sort. A big round blue tube was the object of affection for all in the baby pool. Lucy was struggling to take turns and we had reached our limit of times we could navigate sucessfully. It was late anyway and time to go home.
I gave the general five minute warning but one last conflict cut us short around 1 minute 32 seconds in. She was running from me, the exit was not going to be pretty. So I held her hand, she went limp which meant I ended up dragging her across the pool while I held a baby on my hip. "You're hurting me!" she screamed. I stayed calm and eventually made it to the chair where I could sit her down, put her shoes on and get the heck out of dodge. No such luck, she tried to run away again. Lucy requires me to keep my cool as I know if I lose it, all bets are off. After more crying and wrangling, she finally got her shoes on, we gathered our things and walked to the car.
It is the walk where you can feel the eyes on you, some sympathetic, some judgmental. Either way, your most complicated parenting moment is on display. I tell myself this is part of parenting and most people have had experienced some form of public horror in their parenting life. Some of us have had more than others, apparently.
Have you had these moments? Feel free to give us your best tantrum stories in the comments. We'll all feel better, at least I will.
Jen posted about this amazing family who took a trip around the world. It made me think of my on-line friend Chris and her family who are just beginning their own adventure across North America. I am in total awe of these folks. I think they are giving their kids a tremendous gift.
I had a hard time just coming up with a picture to represent adventure for this post. While we are definitely having our own adventures, they aren't exactly requiring passports, yet. I don't know if we will ever quit our jobs, save and travel with 4 kids around the world exactly but I would like to do something adventurous together.
Can you imagine your family doing these kinds of things? Do you have a longing to see a particular beautiful place together? Where would you go? What holds you back from leading a life like this?
It must be easy to try something new when you have so many to cheer you on and catch you if you fall. Lyra made her walking debut last weekend among lots of cousins and many adoring fans at the aquarium we were visiting. She was in complete joy of herself and her new skill.
It's all she knows really. She smiles, everyone cheers. She laughs, everyone cheers. She claps, everyone cheers. She stands, everyone cheers. She takes a step, the crowd goes wild. She is the delight of our family in a way I can't quite explain, just by breathing. I think this should be the life of all babies, all people really.
In two more seconds, she will decide it is time to get into everything and cause new havoc but today she is walking on top of the world.
So we are saying goodbye to summer, almost. One last road trip to see family, a few more days to sleep in, the lazy trips to the park are winding down. I find in times of transition my kids love rituals to help them reflect and then welcome the next season before us. Some times they are intentional, sometimes they unfold on their own.
We laid in bed last night (all of us, I don't know how this always happens), talking about this, that and the other. I asked them what they will miss about summer.
Lucy: "Dress up all day!"
Jack: "Hanging out with my family."
Josiah: "The pool will be closed."
"I'll miss not having to go anywhere." I said.
"Yeah." they chimed in.
Out with the old and in with the new. After a goodbye, there is almost always a hello.
Hello cool new shoes for school, hello new teachers, hello occasional school cafeteria lunch full that kids like for some reason beyond me, hello old friends...
What are you saying goodbye and hello to? Ask your kids, I bet they have plenty to say on the subject. As always, feel free to share in the comments.
Jack has been laying some kid wisdom on us lately. Sometimes it comes at the most random moments, like while eating cereal or from the back seat while I drive. Either way, I'm definitely taking notes.
On why we should plant a tree in the backyard.
1."It would keep us cool because you know how hot it gets."
2."It's good for the earth."
3."We would have something to sit under."
4."Then we would have a base for tag."
On how me managed to slide down the enormous slide at the pool.
1."First I tried to breathe. Take a big breath."
2."Then I believed in myself really hard."
3."Then I just did it, even if you are a little scared."
Are your kids sharing any bits of wisdom these days? Kid wisdom is the best. We would love to hear some more in the comments.
The school supplies are back in the stores, it feels like the time on summer is winding down. Before long we'll be packing lunches and backpacks, rushing out the door. I try not to mention this too much as we wish it could stay summer forever over here.
Are you ready for summer to be done at your house? Have you started the earlier bedtimes yet? Or do you soak in every last minute?
If school is on your brain, check out this awesome guide to all things about going to school. It's especially great if you have a first timer.
We are at that point in the summer where everyone has been together nonstop and we are going a little nutty. Everything feels annoying from everyone to everyone. Throw a little heat in the mix and it's pretty much a recipe for miserable living. This is the moment for intervention, or maybe not, whatever your personal solution might be to one of the biggest parenting struggles, sibling rivalry.
It's been pretty bad over here so I came up with a few strategies. Don't know if they will work for you but maybe it's worth a shot?
1. Give Them Something To Do. Many a conflict start out from being bored. Bothering your sister is something to do when you have run out of all other ideas. Sometimes a project can bring them back together, other times doing the same project in separate spaces is called for. Pull out small art kits and other special things might be in order.
2. Stop And Spend Time Together. The last thing I want to do is spend time with fighting children but it is often the very thing most needed. I find when I disengage and enter their world for just awhile it diffuses the angst floating around. Reading a book to them in bed, watching a movie together, playing a game of tag makes them forget they can't stand each other for a bit.
3. Do An Intervention Dance. Sometimes, doing very little or nothing at all is the answer. Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish wrote the best book on sibling relationships called Siblings Without Rivalry. They talk about a strategy of how to help kids navigate their own conflicts by "stepping in so you can step out". Helping kids identify their feelings in the moment (stepping in) and then allowing kids to work out (stepping out) how they are going to deal with them.
There are times when children can navigate their own conflict but it might take longer than we prefer, other times they need us to set up the navigation just a bit. I find it helps to have the kids face each other at eye level, allow each other to say what is bothering them and then ask each child if they have any ideas for solutions. After a few times, kids can actually do this themselves. If no one is ready or willing, I let them go to their own spaces until they we can come together for another try. It can be a bit of a dance figuring out which is needed when.
4. Get Some Playdate Parties Going. Everyone needs a little time away once in awhile. Now is the time to call your best friend and ask to trade various kids for the day. Absence makes the heart grow fonder? fingers crossed.
5. Forget Fair. "It's not fair!" Have you heard this? Can I get an amen from the middle child in the house? Switch verbage to needs. Things are not always fair and never will be but we can do our best to meet each others needs. When we are deep into the "mine isn't as big, she got more, etc..", the need question helps loads. "Is there something you are worried about or need?" More about this in the book mentioned above.
6. Put Everyone In Time Out. Start with yourself. When things are bad and you are spent from screeching and yelling, hide for awhile. I used to lock myself in the bathroom for 10 minutes (making sure all was safe first if you have littles) or run errands when my husband got home at night. Even being in the car by myself in silence felt like a luxury. If I could re-group, I could help the kids too.
When we were kids, my mom banished us to our rooms to "work it out". We hated it and I don't know if it always worked but somewhere in that time we decided to gang up against her. We came out annoyed with her but somehow fine with each other.
7. Start An Acts of Kindness List. See how documenting kindness can change the vibe in your family.
Got any other good tips for sibling relationships? Please, please share them. This is definitely a topic where two heads are better than one.
While Jen is off to her Rwandan home away from home collecting stories for Picture Hope, I've been left to pass on the Supersister Weekend Roundups.
So here are my favorite things from this week:
All things Julie Andrews lead me to this lovely version of the ever popular song.
I've been pouring over all the amazing things that keep Maine Momma's heart full of gratitude.
Moms that know how to say sorry to kids. It is the kind of stellar parenting that I take notes on.
Playing the emoticon game with my kids.
Blueberry picking which leads to a variety of baking, including to die for blueberry muffins. Enjoy!
Anything that involves hula hoops and fitness.
Tell me your favorite things in the comments. Links or no links, we'd love to read them.
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