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Patience: November 2009 Archives
It has happened with each of our children around the age of four.
"Papa, you are brown!" Lucy proclaimed while she stroked his arm the other day.
"What color are you?" he asked.
"I don't know..." she giggled. "I'm cream." she finally replied.
"You aren't brown?" he returned playfully.
"No, I'm cream." she decided.
We looked at each other from across the room, the same look of surprise it was happening again. When Josiah was four, he lamented that Jorge wasn't gray like the rest of the family.
We chuckled over the color gray and tried to figure out where or why he came up with it.
He seemed genuinely sad over our differences in skin tone.
I have felt a little more uneasy each time it has come up wondering if we have failed in helping our children identify with the beauty of our bicultural family and more importantly, their Latino heritage. Was their interpretation just a literal observation completely appropriate in their development or was there more to it?
My obsessive parenting brain went straight to analyzing. We moved from Miami when Josiah was only 8 weeks old. We left an extremely diverse area with full immersion of the language and culture that had been so familiar to Jorge and I for so long. We found ourselves in the place that was the capital of the confederacy, north for us yet so more the south than we had ever experienced in our lives. Sunday dinners of our favorite Nicaraguan food from the fritanga and greetings of kisses cheek to cheek were very much over. While Jorge spoke some Spanish to our kids here and there, but with no local family to help fill in the gaps it was hard to keep the bilingual train going. Even with all the excuses, it just came down to a lack of intention and effort to stay connected to all the parts of who my children and husband are.
How much does our cultural identity shape us? What happens if we lack the exposure and immersion of a particular heritage? So here we are, brown, gray and cream, wondering what to do next. Is it too late?
If you are part of a bicultural family or of a different race or culture, how have you preserved your roots? Even if you are not, what are your thoughts or suggestions on the subject?
Please share in the comments.
I pulled up to the car pool line, the door flew open and the kids jumped in.
"Guys, I have terrible news." I said.
"What?" They replied in unison.
"I totally mixed up the dates and we missed Sammy's birthday last night!" I explained.
"Oh no! Poor Sammy! We missed it?" Jack said.
"I know! I feel terrible, so I invited Charlie and Sam over for a birthday playdate." I returned.
"Woohoo! It's no problem Mom, we know exactly what to do." Josiah piped in.
We went straight to our local grocery store and the five of us headed to the bakery to pick out a cake. Lucy loved the cake with the alligator on top, Jack refused saying it was way too baby for turning seven years old. Josiah was trying to recall which flavor was Sam's favorite, chocolate or vanilla. In the end we decided on Boston creme which covered all our bases and seemed the most logical to everyone.
The boys ran to the door proclaiming a party for Sam, apologizing profusely and explained the mix up. It is always like a vortex when we pick up or drop off the boys together. Instant games of tag and rock, paper, scissors erupt and there is lots of whooping and hollering, pure joy.
I warned the kids this playdate would be in a house that was quite a mess.
Charlie didn't miss a beat. "No problem Patience, I love a good mess."
The kids ran into the house and I went to dig in the party box. I found some old pirate napkins, eye patches and earrings from a party long ago. There was some discussion if we should have a pirate party or not but Sam decided it was a good idea. Josiah cleared the table off, Jack got the cake ready, we all sang.
All children instantly went to licking the icing off of candles. It seemed the piratey thing to do.
"To Sammy on his birthday!" Jack shouted inviting the toast. "To Sammy!" They all replied as if they were old men who had done this for years.
It seemed even the baby knew exactly what to do.
The moment was over as quickly as it came. It was one of the nicest parties I have ever been to in my entire life. There were no invitations, no music, no presents, no goodie bags. The house was a mess, the guests rowdy, the joy deep, it was perfect. I wonder how often we plan so carefully to create moments when the best kind seem to be born on their own. Kids know this better than most I believe, living fully in the moment before them.
Do you have any stories ot spontaneous joy your kids cooked up? Please tell us in the comments.
If you wanna add some fun to your spontaneous celebration, check out the cool party ideas here.
We haven't talked about games very much since the last lesson in losing we all got. My nature as a parent is to pull back, if I'm honest, maybe even avoid such situations. My kids taught me there might be yet another option this week.
Jack and Josiah disappeared up into their room one night for hours. They were laughing and talking so I never checked in on them to see what they were up to. They bounded down the stairs very excited. They created they their own board game.
It is a fantasy style game, similar to those they have played on the computer. Each character was a kid, had a name and special powers, perfect for re-claiming your own.
The game has a complete set of rules and cards. It seems a little easier to follow rules and lose when you have ownership in the design and thought of the game.
I'm realizing that art can serve kids in a different way of process besides just the act of creating itself. This little game is a way to introduce a previously hard subject with a new and positive angle. It gives a chance to explore losing and gain strength and knowledge in knowing how to handle disappointment in game play.
Once again, I can see how kids can find their way by using their intuition and minds. Even when I'm not exactly paying attention as a parent.
What kind of role does art and creativity play in your house? Do you wish there was more? After this experience, I realized how much more I want to create a culture of art and discovery in my own home. How about you?
It was an epic battle battle of Monopoly. Jack had been begging us to play for weeks but honestly I was dreading it. Jack had been losing at lots of games lately and it was starting to really bother him. I think he thought this might be his chance to show the world (i.e. his brother) and himself what he can really do. He's a good little negotiator and is already sporting some business sense in these early years.
Jack had built a nice little empire of properties while Josiah turned down most opportunities to purchase real estate. Josiah was being cautious, waiting for the right moment but I could tell even he was starting to get nervous. Then he landed right on the jack pot, Park Place. He had acquired Boardwalk a few turns ago in a deal with Jorge. He immediately sunk every last penny into houses and hotels. Everything was stacked, the stakes were high, he just had to wait.
"Oh, I am so sorry Mom that you have to pay me but the rent is $350, I'm so sorry." Jack said with the most sincere heart. I smiled and paid my dues while quietly hoping Jack would win. The next turn Jack rolled the dice, counted nervously and instantly buried his face into his hands, Boardwalk. He landed on Boardwalk. He knew it was over, the heartbreak was just too much. We did the math, trying to keep him alive in the game while he sobbed.
"I lost everything!" he cried. To be perfectly honest, I wasn't sure what to say. I just rubbed his back, agreed and listened. I wondered how I could have navigated this parenting moment better. The competition was too much but he wanted to try so badly. I kept thinking how hard it is sometimes to be little and have someone bigger, faster, stronger ahead of you. Being the middle child myself, I know this part of learning, growing, being shapes who you are.
Tell me what do you do in moments with your children when losing feels so big?
How do you handle games, competition, and the like? Do share in the comments.