I viewed Hold Me Tight, Let Me Go through the lens of the primal importance of play in early childhood as it contributes to the development of emotional regulation, cognitive growth, sustained social skills and physical confidence.
The vivid demonstrations of the kids' internalization of self-hatred, their social confusion and the imprint of past abuse on all of those featured showed that, at the early stages of their residence, it was impossible for them to access their intrinsic play capacities. As their lives unfolded, normal play was still very difficult for them, but it was also beautifully depicted, as reflected in the joy of Michael's deep attachments to the staff and fellow residents and in Robert's exultation as he received his reward for "no weeing."
Robert's joy after he received a radio for not peeing on the floor. Courtesy of Women Make Movies
The impulsive, emotionally charged acting out engaged in by the children throughout the film vividly illustrates a lack of ability to experience the many states of play. Most kids experience these play states (rough and tumble play, simple games, toys, fantasies) early and repeatedly, and those play states allow them a huge range of possibilities for adjusting to the demands of a changing world. Safety from birth onward in surroundings provided by stable, caring parents allows play to emerge as the primary modus operandi of their lives.
The absence of this kind of safety, combined with the existence of abuse, produces emotional chaos, intense protest, impounded rage and deep mistrust. So the staff's stability and impressive patience allow slow, safe grounding to take place. The consistency with which staff members interrupt acting out behavior through physical holding combined with verbal explanations allows the early vestiges of play to emerge very slowly. In Michael's trajectory, for example, I saw early moments of stability and genuinely felt pleasure through music-playing. Toward the end of his stay, he was able to pretend role-play. These types of pretend-real fantasies normally dominate the private internal narratives of three and four year olds and allow some sense of personal control and safety as a safe and protected childhood unfolds. Michael's imaginative play represents a huge step that is directly related to his personal regulation of what were previously uncontrollable emotionally volcanic eruptions.
I have deep respect for the selfless devotion of the staff, whose verbal explanations in response to angry, provocative, insulting and physically out-of-control behavior may be ahead of the cognitive capacities of the kids involved. Verbal and cognitive explanations rarely change behavior. It is the experience of safety and the direct feeling of joyful, active use of oneself through play that heals the damaged soul, allow imagination to reign and open a window to hope and optimism.
This is an impressive, emotionally penetrating film that shows the consequences of early abuse, as well as the joyful impact of daily love and professionalism given in the service of others.
Trained in general and internal medicine, psychiatry and clinical research, and an avid player himself, Stuart L. Brown, M.D. first recognized the essential contributions of play to human physical, emotional and cognitive development by systematically discovering what its absence meant in the life stories of murderers and felony drunken drivers. His years of clinical practice affirmed the importance of its continued presence as it positively contributes its benefits throughout the human life cycle. Desiring to bring this new “science of play” into practical realms, he founded the National Institute for Play. It is devoted to bringing the transformative “states” of play into sports, education, personal relationships and public policy. Dr. Brown has authored the recently released Avery/Penguin book, PLAY, How It Shapes the Brain, Opens the Imagination, and Invigorates the Soul.
Talk About This
If society does not embrace and learn from this therapy then we are in big trouble.
I know many children who desperately need this but it is likely few here in the USA will ever have this chance.
God bless the children.
by Gl Chapman
July 28, 2009, 11:24 PM
Bravo to the staff at this caring school for their willingness to put themselves in a documentary filled with the struggle of helping to raise children with emotional abuse/neglect issues. I noticed that the staff exhibited a lot of patience and professionalism combined with genuine love and concern for their children's needs/feelings. Their students eventually did seem to come around and thrive in this school.
Sometimes, however, it did seem that staff tried too hard to encourage the children to "talk" vs just letting them feel their feelings of pain when their families would leave them at the end of their visits.
I wonder what it would have been like if instead of telling them "you are acting this way because you are sad" they just held them and told them how sorry they were that they felt lonely etc. and that they were worthy of love as it was so obvious sometimes that their parents didn't know how to express love or genuine feelings with their children. I think it is sad that they didn't seem to have any sort of counseling with their children during their visits and that they were limited to just a few times a year rather than weekly etc. Also, I can't help but wonder if the children crave being held because their own parents can not, are they acting out in order to get the hugs and attention and wonder if there isn't a better way than through restraining them? I realize that it is very hard if not impossible when running a school that is also a home filled with so much potential for love and pain coexisting in a space that needs to be safe for everyone involved. I would have liked to have watched how they processed what each child's needs were and also if they could explain to the parents what these needs were and help them to learn how to eventually become better parents to their children?
by B. Burnham
July 29, 2009, 12:04 AM
I really loved the Programme. I feel that Michael's Nan could be more supportive than seen on the programme. The teachers showed a lot of patience and I really admired that. I wish my parents would have been like them. The children shown were right in what they thought. It seemed that they were refusing to accept something blindly without a logical explanation that actually made sense. It means, parents need to be smarter in order to understand children. Parents trapped in the past are the most dangerous. Parents also need to be taught to change with the rapidly changing world. Otherwise, only the children tend to grow and the parents then become a drag on the children. Children need not have to go through the same learning process that their parents went through in their childhood. This is the point that is really hard to put through their minds.
by Abhijeet
July 29, 2009, 2:41 PM
What happen to the old traditional spanking at the butt. It seems to me that these kids know what they are doing. They are mature enough to know right from wrong. May be punish and reword might work. That's how my generation and generation before are raised. I am 40.
Other point, School can not replace home, with the love of parents. May these parents are not deserve to have child.
by j
July 29, 2009, 2:42 PM
This film was very raw yet touching. The staff at this school are AMAZING. Their patience is incredible. They are consistently responding with safety and caring responses to what is often a cruel action toward them. My heart goes out to all involved. I agree with much of what Dr. Brown has stated about play, however the importance of kids being able to verbalize their feelings and to think through their actions and those consequences are AS important as the non-verbal responses. If they do not learn to communicate in another way, the kids ... who WILL grow up ... will not be able to function in normal society. As for J's comment about "traditional butt spanking" I'd say that since many of the kids here had experienced physical abuse that hitting would NOT be helpful ... probably detrimental.
by LisaMH
August 1, 2009, 1:24 PM
The Role of Play reads like a bunch of more nonsense to incorporate into development of children. I think Dr. Brown is off the mark with this discovery.
The staff apparently are caring individuals that want to be there and help these poor souls come around to life expectancy. This is not a game but real life situations that need to be addressed.
America should not be envious of anything the brits do. That has nothing to do with children being loved this is world wide. The Home where I worked we did the same thing and that was years ago that I worked there.
Love, communication, support and listening is key. Parents being adults in the relationships and not being their kids friend.
by Ane
August 1, 2009, 5:46 PM