Washington Week . Student Voices

COLUMN: Internet personals illusory
By Frank Rodgers
Ka Leo O Hawaii (U. Hawaii)
03/12/2004

(U-WIRE) HONOLULU — Many Internet users are plagued by the notorious pop-up window. Whether an annoying message vying for your mouse-click, or an embarrassing picture of a woman begging for your — god damn it, close! Endless arrays of advertisements frustrate, irritate, and generally infuriate you with banners, images, and animation all blinking and flashing in front of the stuff you actually wanted to look at. Some despise the porn, but the greatest bane of my cyber existence is online single's classifieds.

What exactly inspires people to post their personal propaganda and pathetic photo? In the early days when only text chat was available, people had to be creative. "ASL" became the lead-in to thousands of online relationships based on fantasy and lowly desires. Innocents trying to find out how to reboot Windows 95 were barraged by debauchery.

"Is this tech support?"

"Yes, Ma'am. I'll need your name, address, and detailed description of what you're wearing."

Now people just post their lies and exaggerations without the trouble of convincing anyone to believe it. Bob is a 35-year-old system's analyst from New Mexico with a wild side. When he's not inside a cubicle, Bob enjoys hiking, rafting, and mountain biking magazines (they have the coolest posters next to Boy's Life). Bob is relatively young, retains most of his hair, and enjoys long walks on the beach, as long as it's not too cold. He's got a sweatshirt, his allergy medication, and a cell phone (in case of emergency). Yes, Bob is one adventurous piece of man-meat fresh out of the hunk oven and ready to toast your buns.

Despite his rather demure career, Bob has one hell of a mug shot. Sadly, that photo is just like drinking O'Doul's: tastes real, but only a high school freshman would swoon. Any fool knows if Bob puts his real photo up, you'd be looking at ugly.com in the "How could God allow such a thing to be born" section. But pictures are only the beginning of the misguiding, veiled profiles of thousands of very lonely souls.

At least all good ol' Bob wanted was someone to talk nerdy to and maybe frag a couple nights a week. Others manipulate the tender emotions of those without sense, adopting an online alias.

The Internet being the boundless abomination it is, some people don't even bother to spin their darkest, most perverse desires. For those not interested in starting a relationship, or forcing it non-consensually on others, there are the "adult" listings. Meant only for the kinkiest of swingers, these Web sites host thousands of fetishists, frequent fornicators, and loads of fun for the whole freaky family. Pick from any of a myriad of bizarre, horrifying categories, including obese women, and spankings. If you're offended right now, I'm sorry. God, I'm sorry.

Whether it's Yahoo!, eHarmony, MSN or some other wretched excuse to post your crusty, aged prom photo, pop-up windows would lead you to believe millions are online, conversing, flirting, and having more fun than Steven in a daycare center. Perhaps a positive outlet for the unsociable and unseemly, online dating continually gains popularity. A disturbing trend is building, as men seek women, geriatrics seek juveniles, sex offenders seek exhibitionists, and I seek asylum. Can't I just find my porn in peace?

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