Washington Week: Student Voices (O)

COLUMN: Global warming grounds Punxsutawney Phil
By Gary Caruso
The Observer (Notre Dame)
02/02/2007

(U-WIRE) SOUTH BEND, Ind. — On Gobbler's Knob this morning, Punxsutawney Phil endured his 121st rude awakening while being groped, as usual, in inappropriate places - all in the name of the groundhog's prognostication and the local economy's enrichment. Although Phil has seen his shadow more than 90 percent of the time during his storied past, much to the dismay of us Northerners, the betting money this year challenges that trend.

With weather forecasts calling for snow showers in Pennsylvania, nearly three-quarters of Las Vegas betters believe (at 13-4 odds) that Phil will not see his shadow and that spring is just around the corner. But alas, global warming will soon retire ole rodent Phil and devastate not only the lives of ordinary Punxsutawney citizens, but of Phil and his protectors ... including Bob Roberts (a name worth repeating) whose official title is "His Protector."

Once higher temperatures increase throughout the world, the cold weather season will abbreviate. As the winter calendar diminishes, Phil will need to adjust his timetable of six more weeks of potentially cold weather. The Groundhog Club's "Inner Circle," those gentlemen who wear top hats and bestow titles that belie reason upon each other, will advise Phil on how to adapt his predictions.

Phil might slice the 6-week extended cold weather timetable back to a month, and continue to decrease hiss options each subsequent year until February in Pennsylvania averages 60-degree daily temperatures. At that point, it would not matter whether or not the sun cast Phil's scary shadow. On the upside, though, Phil would improve his accuracy record, thus rivaling his distant cousin and fellow furry forecaster, Georgia's General Beau Lee, Ph.D. Cousin Lee claims a 94 percent accuracy record ... hardly a difficult task even for a rodent in a state that averages 44 degrees in February and 53 degrees in March.

On the down side, the demise of the world-famous Yankee groundhog would be the tipping point for both a local and national economic catastrophe. Every element of our GNP would suffer. One simply can review today's Groundhog Day schedule to realize how global warming would end most activities, thereby casting the nation into a rodent-like state - going down the hole.

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