Washington Week: Student Voices (O)

COLUMN: Looking at the crucifixion of Jesus in a present setting
Brett King
Kansas State Collegian (Kansas State U.)
04/03/2007

(U-WIRE) MANHATTAN, Kan. — Sunday, while sitting in Catholic mass, I started thinking about the death of Jesus, and wondered how events would transpire if the crucifixion was to occur today.

Our culture has become so concerned with political correctness, the trial and conviction of Jesus would be a much longer gospel story. This is the passion of Jesus with a 2007 twist.

During the Passover meal, Jesus and his disciples eat and drink together. Jesus says to the Twelve that one of them is going to betray him to the American Civil Liberties Union. One by one the Disciples ask, "Is it me?" Jesus looks at each one and says, "No, it isn't you."

Finally, Judas asks, "Is it I, Jesus?"

With thick, blatant Jewish sarcasm, Jesus responds, "Is it me, Jesus?"

Knowing he is no longer welcome, Judas runs down the block to the office of Janet Reno. Judas has been a rat for the ACLU for many years, working to undermine Jesus' teaching in the public sector. With the offer of fame and protection, Reno convinces Judas to give up Jesus' location.

While Jesus prays in a garden, Reno assembles the largest anti-religious fighting force the world has ever seen. ACLU attorneys and agents from the FBI and the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives swarm the garden as if it was Waco Part Two.

After the garden is set ablaze by a "tear gas container," Jesus quickly is arrested and extradited to San Francisco for prosecution.

For this special case, the ACLU brings in its favorite prosecutors, Ronnie Earl and Patrick Fitzgerald. These saints of the left are famous for the prosecution of former senator Tom Delay, R-Texas, and former chief of staff to the vice president, Scooter Libby.

After seven grand juries, the charges of conspiracy to commit conspiracy, obstruction of justice and identify theft - claiming to be the son of God - are the only ones the prosecution can make stick.

Just like Lazarus, Jesus brings defense lawyer Johnnie Cochran back from the dead. Working for hours each day, Cochran makes the defensive stand of, "If the crown does not fit, you must acquit." Jesus is found guilty, and quickly appeals to the high priests. In this story it is none other than 9th Circuit Court of Appeals, the most anti-religious court of law in the country.

In the court opinion, the circuit court says, "We believe God or His son have no place in the United States. We can not allow you to continue to speak on behalf of Judeo-Christian values." The verdict is upheld, and Jesus is scheduled to be put to death in seven to 10 years.

Jesus spends the next few years in a cell with Scott Peterson, creating license plates at a pace no one has ever seen.

Other inmates make statements like, "Jesus Christ, you're fast." Jesus smiles and says, "Why yes, I am."

When the day finally arrives for Jesus to be put to death, the government does not crucify him on a cross, which would be considered cruel and unusual punishment.

Instead of the crucifix, the Christian symbol for Jesus is a lethal injection table, because it is a much more humane way to die.

This story was intended to push the limits, be humorous and show the craziness of our society.

The Easter season is not about bunnies and chocolate eggs. Remember that this weekend.

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