Washington Week: Student Voices (O)

Column: Christmas commemorates miracle of Santa’s birth
By Kyle Citta
Daily Nebraskan, U. Nebraska
December 12, 2008

This is a magical time of year. Fresh snow blankets the ground. The semester is slowly winding down. And best of all, man, woman and child will gather on Dec. 25 to celebrate the greatest day of all: The birth of Santa Claus.

Most people don’t appreciate the true meaning behind the holiday season. Perhaps commercialism has diluted its message? Maybe the original ideas behind the season are being put on the back burner? Or maybe a few too many sips of eggnog are enough to melt away the memories of these historical truths.

Whatever the cause may be, the Christmas story is in jeopardy of being lost forever.

It was only 2,000 years ago when Santa Claus was born in a tiny barn somewhere far, far away. With the reindeer looking on, a young, alabaster-skinned woman in the Middle East pushed a huge, bearded man out of her uterus.

Not much is known about the shenanigans of Santa as a young lad. He went missing for a few days while visiting a nearby town with his parents. Santa was eventually found in a factory after three days of searching. He was learning about the art of toymaking.

After college, Santa had a few crazy years of soul-searching. He went backpacking in Europe, tried out a few different religions and even applied to law school. But then, a higher power spoke to Santa. It told him to construct a giant toy factory to show people the beauty of materialism.

The higher power, the CEO of Mattel, said to Santa, “If you build it, they will come.”

Santa did just that; he built the largest toy factory anyone had ever seen. Word soon spread about the work old Saint Nick was doing, and he began to preach the doctrine of Toys "R" Us. Soon, he had a following of curiously small people with pointy ears. There were rumors of inbreeding, but Santa still disputes this. Touched by the devotion of these elves, Santa humbly made them indentured servants.

The toy factory he built quickly gained a monopoly over the toy business, but Kris Kringle started facing heat over unspecified labor laws. So to cool off the fuzz, he moved the operation to the North Pole, where he continues his work to this day.

Like anyone who shuts themselves up in a barren wasteland of ice with subzero temperatures – he got a little lonely. Playboy doesn’t roam all the way to the tip and television reception might bring in Carson Daly on a clear night.

It’s an unlivable hellhole.

So the local lady of the night quickly caught Santa’s eye. She came for the elves, but Maggie Marylene stayed for the red suit, taking the title of Mrs. Claus.

Today, families show veneration for Mr. Kringle by setting out milk and cookies. The reasons for this have been shrouded in mystery, but there’s one interpretation that has stood the test of time.

In the mid-19th century, Ireland was in the grip of a devastating potato famine. Santa himself was an avid fan of the vegetable. In all his kindness, he decided to alleviate the pain of starvation through the joy of giving toys – filling empty hearts instead of empty stomachs.

But after the release of Jonathan Swift’s 1729 work “A Modest Proposal,” which satirically encouraged starving people of Ireland to eat their children for sustenance, Santa began to fear his Christmas visits were drawing to a close. He feared that the good people were taking Swift’s work literally. So on Dec. 24, 1845, he gathered everyone around and shared his fears.

Santa thought that his next trip to Ireland would end with his cannibalization.

To celebrate this last Christmas, he proposed a great feast. But since no potatoes were available, he miraculously turned the barren potato land into a feast of milk and cookies. This supposed “last supper” is where we get the familiar holiday tradition we know and love today.

And fortunately for Mr. Claus, he overestimated the physical capabilities of starving people, and easily maneuvered his sleigh filled with toys and monetary items out of harm’s way.

The legacy of Christmas might be confusing for some. We oftentimes don’t think about how important the traditional aspects are. We neglect the roots of this season, and those that still remember chastise others who may not believe in the miracles of Santa.

Instead, many of us ignore the background and focus on things like helping other people, giving back to a country that has given us so much and telling those that we care about how much we love them.

It’s hypocritical to believe in the goodness of other people at this time of year if you can’t revel in the glory of the past. The two are clearly not mutually exclusive.

So before you tuck yourself in at night on Christmas Eve, think to yourself: For Mattel so loved the world that they gave us their only begotten Santa Claus, that whosoever shall believe in him shall not do goodwill unto men but shall live in everlasting consumerism.

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