Washington Week: Student Voices (O)

Column: Grammar Nazis hit hard by economy
By Laura Reeve
Daily Trojan, USC
February 04, 2009

You know that the nation’s finances are really dismal when Cash4Gold ads start popping up everywhere.

In a good economy, not even the craziest cat lady on the street would consider sending her precious metals to a company in exchange for cash.

But as soon as it looks like there won’t be enough Fancy Feast for both Mittens and Mr. Potts, people start clawing out their gold fillings and reaching for the stamps.

Yes, the bad economy is affecting everybody.

Perhaps no one is worse off than MC Hammer and Ed McMahon, who starred in the Cash4Gold Superbowl advertisement. The down-on-their-luck stars joked about sending away their gold parachute pants and toilet, respectively, in exchange for cash, but they probably did that years ago, or they wouldn’t need cheap infomercial gigs.

Of course, even in their heyday, parachute pants wouldn’t have been worth a lot of money. If nothing else, the folks at Cash4Gold have fashion sense.

MC Hammer and Ed McMahon aren’t the only ones suffering, though. An MSNBC article outlines in great detail the effect the bad economy has had on the world’s most beloved demographic: spelling snobs.

The article, titled “Is stress pushing spelling snobs over the edge?” documents the tragic lives of people who are irritated by the misuse of the English language. No one is more sympathetic than the third grade teacher who can’t answer the harmless question, “Can I go to the bathroom?” with any phrase other than “I don’t know, can you?”

It should be noted that the article was listed next to a story about the dangers of swabbing your ears and another story headlined “Surgeons remove kidney through vagina,” which I imagine is pretty self-explanatory. So take this masterpiece from MSNBC for what it’s worth.

The article begins with a quote from a woman who refuses to eat at Krispy Kreme, not because its doughnuts taste like they were created from a petroleum byproduct, but because of the way it spells its name.

“I won’t patronize businesses with misspelled signs,” the woman said. “It’s like hearing fingernails run down a chalkboard.”

The article then confirms what everyone else already knows: “Life isn’t easy for language lovers.”

And what’s worse, “our recent woes — housing foreclosures, massive layoffs, rising debt and war — may be ratcheting up the pressure some feel to seize control of something (anything!), even if it’s just a properly placed comma.”

Why didn’t we see it before? People who walk around with Sharpie pens so they can correct improperly punctuated street signs, like a woman in the article did, aren’t self-righteous, anal-retentive pricks. They are just people, like you and me, adrift in a tumultuous sea of confusion, looking for something to hold on to.

The article goes on to talk about the psychological reasoning behind the desire to correct typographical errors.

Perfectionism, a childhood pattern of wanting to please adults, the desire for power and the desire to aggravate everyone who has ever loved you are all linked to the incurable habit of reminding people how smart you are by showing them how dumb everyone else is.

Granted, I understand the desire to correct things. A few weeks ago, this illustrious publication captioned a photo of the SAG Awards with the phrase “Many famous celebrities attended” — as though all of those unknown celebrities were forced to stay at home.

But people don’t need someone to remind them constantly of their mistakes. The Krispy Kreme lady called her dry cleaner’s to inform them that the apostrophe on their brand new sign was incorrectly placed.

“They called back and were not nice,” she said. “I guess they were offended.” I wonder why.

Since the bad economy is making life worse for grammar police everywhere, those of us who constantly get ticketed can take pleasure in knowing that everytime a Cash4Gold commercial comes on, a spelling snob will take one look at the number “4” and stab himself in the eye.

And yes, I realize that I should write “himself or herself.”

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