While I do agree that all of the information in your documentary is accurate and relevant, I do have to say that my 'growing up online' experience has been vastly different.

I'm a 15-year-old, and am just as connected to cyberspace as anyone else my age, yet the horror stories of being online still remain just that; stories.

I do understand that the potential for trouble is out there on the internet, and that people need to be aware of those dangers. I felt that your documentary was very informative, and showed just how much the internet has shaped a generation.

It's just that the effects of being online don't always have the negative impacts shown. Most of my friends only use aim as a way to form study groups and beg for homework help. Facebook is used as a way to plan band get-togethers and speech team after tournament parties. We socialize, but in the same way we would with any other medium.

My point is, the internet is not at fault here. It may be a catalyst to certain behaviors, but those behaviors begin in the real world. None of my friends or I have experienced the bulk of the negative effects from being online simply because of the information given to us, and how we're taught to react to what we stumble upon while surfing the web. For example, a couple of years ago there was a patch of cyberbullying where one student created a website titled ihate[student’s name].com, and consequently an anonymous note appeared on a trusted teacher’s desk, who quickly and effectively took care of the problem before it could get out of hand. As teens understand how to handle problems that can arise while online, the threat level drops dramatically.

Personally, I own a laptop which resides in my room at any given time. My parents don't own any of my passwords, and don't have any parental controls set up. I respect their trust by not doing things I know I shouldn't do, whether big brother is watching or not. Don't get me wrong, I do have my secrets, and cherish my privacy, but I've learned that if I choose to participate in things that are clearly dangerous, I'm only hurting myself. My parents are very computer savvy, and know what’s out there, yet they are very open with me about what they expect, and let me have a voice (though they are the ultimate law) in how my life is run. They’re active in my life, without being overbearing. In turn, I concede that they may, as horrifying as it may be, actually have my well-being in mind, and I don’t do anything stupid.

It's up to parents, educators, and other adults to make sure kids and teens know the difference between 'being a rebel', and getting into real trouble. I think documentaries like this are as important for adolescents as they are for their parents in learning how to navigate safely online. Teens need to see rules for internet usage more as common sense and self preservation, rather than rules made by parents who want to control their lives. Every situation is different, and I’m not saying that all kids should have free reign over their online experience, but if parents can work to be more in sync with their kids then maybe a compromise can be reached.

I would like to thank you for putting together such an informational and eye-opening documentary. I am a teacher, I teach many computer classes, and while I try to watch what students are doing on-line I know I am only seeing a portion of what they do. Our school has put together a 'Digital Citizenship' course for teachers which is mandatory for teachers to complete otherwise they will lose their computer access. Your video is one of the opening pieces of work in this course. We will be incorporating much of this digital citizenship course material into our courses. We are still piecing together the curriculum but I see this topic becoming a significant portion of our courses.

Today's children and students have more pressures than we did as we were growing up. These pressures are not easily identified by us elders. It is easy for teachers to get so caught up in skill set development and assessment that we sometimes miss the subtle signs that students may send us. Your segments on cyber-bullying and different personalities online help to remind us that we must take time to listen to our students and ask questions.

Thank you for your work.

Hi Rachel: It's been fascinating to see the posts on this website and it's clear that the film has struck a chord with many parents.

I experienced some of the same issues when my 20-year old son Roger's essay, "Instant Message, Instant Girlfriend" was published in the New York Times on May 25th (as part of the Modern Love series). In the essay, he describes the discovery of being able to talk to girls online--- which was much more effective for him than in face-to-face settings. For me, knowing what was omitted from Roger's account of the story made me realize how many parents of teens are likely to be wrestling with the same issues related to teens' online relationships. In our study guide materials, we tried to emphasize the importance of the critical questions of media literacy. We think that these questions are probably the only meaningful way to engage young people with challenge of life online.

A 13-year-old girl went to an online chat room. She posted her real age. She was clearly a child. She "sat" and waited for chatters. A 47-year-old man approached her. He started chatting. It did not take long for the conversation to turn sexual. He e-mailed an explicit photo, committed lewd actions in front of a webcam, and made plans to meet the girl for sex. The 13-year-old girl turned out to be an undercover police officer. The man is a member of my family. He has a 14-year-old daughter. For the 20 years that I have known this man, he has been a church-going, hymn humming, respectable family man. He was a role-model for his child who looked-up to him. His wife knew nothing about his online activities. No one did. No one. He is an online predator. He is in my family. Ironically, this man would not allow his daughter to have a computer in her room and put "parent-controls" on the computer to protect his child. As I look at my young son sitting in a chair watching PBS cartoons while I type this message ... I worry about him. It is a dangerous world and it is unwise to completely trust anyone. Obviously, from many of the messages above, it seems unwise to completely trust your own children. I thoroughly support the idea of "no online privacy" for children. None. If they want privacy, they can write in their journals. Remember the paper and the pen? There are no online predators in their locked diaries. Thank you for a wonderful show.

To David with Home Schooled 15 yr old,
I hate to admit it but when I started reading your post I couldn't help but think "This guy is SOOO naive" and "Wait till the shoe drops on this guy". All the while I was wishing it wouldn't.
I like to think that when I ramble on to my 15 yr old stepson he listens or even a little bit of what I say clicks when he's in a situation doing something I told him not to. I tune out when others tell me "You're not his mother so it means nothing". I do remember that when my mother was rambling on to me and I was tuning out I still heard what she had to say. I credit her for raising 5 children alone while struggling to get off Public Assistance and get us into good colleges. It was her lessons and her spirit that kept me moving through the toughest times in my life. It was that 'Yadda, yadda, yadda' in the background that made me who I am.
My only advice is tread lightly in your approach but jump in with both feet when you find your voice. Kids like to go along with the group and mock what grown ups view as important (like religion) but these moments are fleeting and not always indicative of who they will become.
I wish you luck and hope you update here on your progress.
Kimberly.

Two years ago, when my stepson was 13, I found out he had Myspace and email accounts and made him give me all his log ins & passwords. I viewed his pages and emails with him present and discussed language he used and internet safety. I was realistic about how kids talk in private (I did it once too) and tried not to be too judgmental and stay focused on content. He seemed to understand and I went to cook dinner while he went to a friend's house. A few days later I logged in to check on his accounts. Most were disabled and others suddenly abandoned. I was fooling myself to think there was an open dialog and understanding between us. I hoped my words too root with him and informed my husband of the conversation and left it to him to take control of.
As I watched the show today I realized that worrying about my 3 yr olds TV viewing and diet (obesity runs in the family) were going to be my first steps. I started to think about the lessons I needed to teach that were much more important. Compassion. Empathy. Honor. While, even at this early age, my son displays a confident independence and definite concern for others I need to start molding the values my parents raised me with and then guide him in applying those values to all aspects of his life to give him the tools he needs to use the things I teach him.
It is never too early to add a subtle lesson. While my son loves trains and can tell you the make & model of almost every car in his toy box my neighbor's 3 yr old negotiates their XBox 360 faster then my 15 yr old can. My son loves the swings at the park, their's loves shooting things and crashing cars.
We can't forget that when you send your child out the door it is as much about who he is inside and how he handles himself as it is about who he will run into out there.
I try to teach by example that few things are too important that I don't have time to go for a walk with him or look at the bird out the window that he finds so amazing. I can on;y hope that as I click submit now and run off to play cars with him he will see that the internet isn't as interesting as spending time with him.
I wish all of us luck in making the next step in a complicated world.
Kimberly

I too appreciated your program. My wife and I are still processing. Our kids are still young, but we'll soon need to consider how we'll handle this topic in our family. In terms of ideas and stories, I wonder if it'd be interesting to see how the internet has affected the divide between the rich and poor, between the educated and the uneducated. The internet is all about access to info, but this access is not available to everyone. You touched on the generational gap in your show. It would be nice to look at these other angles as well.

Thanks for your work.

I think that what this mother did, as a young woman of 32 and the product of an overprotective parent, was not so bad. If the kid wasn't up to anything he wouldn't have been found out. People are labeling this mother as being un-trusting, but the son was untrustworthy in that particular instance. We all remember what it was like as teenagers..we ALL kept secrets...the difference is, today's way of keeping those secrets comes with dire consequences. With the generation gap being so wide (I believe the doc said the widest it has ever been) then why wouldn't we promote communication among parents and kids?...which is what she did. Perhaps she should have instead gotten hammered on a train, had her say, taped it and posted it on YouTube....when in Rome...

The name of the study guide Web site featured in the program is SparkNotes, online at www.sparknotes.com.

To Evan Skinner,

You did a great thing and don't ever let anyone say you didn't. What the kids do not realize is that we are trying to protect them. We want to see our grandchildren!

My husband and myself are very computer savvy. We've been on the internet back in the DOS days and bulletin boards. So we are the dinosaurs. We kept up with the technology and are in our 40's today. The time of DOS was the early 90's. We saw what ADULTS! were doing online and quickly realized what could happen to our daughter if we allowed unsupervised access to the internet.

Needless to say, we were VERY strict. The computer sat right in the living room right in our eye view. She really didn't mind. We always told our daughter that she could tell us anything and we would listen and understand without judgement and this approach worked so she was very open with us. Sometimes too much. :)

We did have our differences and arguments, oh boy did we, but we always seemed to work it out.

I'm happy to say that my daughter graduated from nursing school and is now an RN. She thanked us. Do you believe that? She thanked us for being good parents and being hard on her to make sure she would be successful in her life. She does say all the time that she "didn't have any fun like the other kids, she felt sheltered", but she said she doesn't really care.

You did the right thing Mrs. Skinner and I think your son will eventually thank you too. Good luck with your son and daughters. You are a GREAT mother and don't ever forget it.

PS, you said you don't understand why the kids share so much. Here is my take. They are kids, they want to be popular. They aren't thinking about the future only today. They want to feel important.

My experience with the impersonality of everyone in the world being able to read my writing has been enormously freeing. Stuff I wrote while grieving is still online and not hard to find, as are rants about exes and so much more.

It's all backed up in case I have to delete it and look presentable, but Google and the Internet Wayback Machine mean nothing I've published online will ever really disappear.

You could do a followup solely on how net access has changed relationships of all kinds - I've written for an upcoming college textbook on the topic.

Yesterday, I tapped away at my Moto Q during a live interview with C-Span founder Bryan Lamb. No one got mad, even when I took photos - the host announced beforehand that there was a blogger in the crowd who would be posting during the event. I put up seventeen posts during the event from inside the studio. My copy doesn't read like it was written on a phone...much.

My, how things change. Strangely, I've been online since 1999, but just got a cellphone and texting and data and all that entails last July.

Last time I went through a breakup, twenty people said they were thinking about me and asked if they could do anything before I told anyone. Facebook can be very, very helpful.

I recently experienced a situation in a chat room where a young guy attempted suicide within the room. He slit his wrist and then slit his neck (blood was running down is wrist and neck) in front of everyone. It's sad to say that nearly 1/3 of the 60 people in the room encouraged him to do it during the process. Unfortunately, the moderators in the room are volunteer teenagers that are not prepared to deal with it. Fortunately the girl moderating at the time was able to keep him online and encouraged him to call an ambulance and she watched them as they entered his house and took him to the hospital.

The moderator can only contact the owner of the site by email and can't reach them in an emergency.

First let me say good job to Ms.Skinner for telling the other parents about the pictures and videos on the train.

I am starting all over with a new baby but I am by no means a new mother. My one month old daughter is the 5th child for me to raise. I have been around the block with teens and the internet, well teens and life in general. No teen wants their parents to nose into their personal business, however if we parents do not put our noses into our children's business who is going to?

Recently I had a casual conversation with my oldest daughter who is now 18, my daughter was telling me how my 14 year old complained to her about me nosing into her internet accounts and reading every thing. My oldest daughter's response was that I did it to her and at the time she was very mad about it but looking back she now realizes that it is my job as a mother to monitor this stuff.

Every teen is going to be upset by the invasion of their privacy, but if this same teen was exsposing their selves to danger off the net parents would feel responsible to get involved, it is no different on the net, we parents have to monitor our teens actions.

With all that said I feel that the internet is given a fair review by most people. I have two children who's father lives 3000 miles away (due to being in the military). My x-husband has and will spend time in Iraq, I have also been deployed to Kuwait for several months. My husband (who I met online) is from the UK and has family in the UK, to include two young sons. So many people focus on the horror stories about the internet causing the good things to be overlooked. Because of the internet my children can call, write and even see their father when he is 3000 or more miles away. I can go away on military assignments and be able to log onto Skype, Yahoo or MSN and see my children. My husband is able to see and speak to his boys by the same means. Our month old daughter will know her brothers and grandparents because the internet makes it possible.

On the same note my two daughters want to be able to keep their dad updated on their lives, however military life does not always allow for their father to be present at events. To be honest if they are only seeing their father a couple times a year they get so excited when he is here for a short visit they forget about so many events that have gone on and dont get to share those things with him. By creating a myspace page for them they are able to post pictures of things as they happen, and write short blogs about the events when they happen. This is true with myspace, Yahoo, MSN and many other social sites.

Parents only need to be involved and monitor the teens actions. I have created my own accounts and made my children add me to their friends list. This allows me to see what they are posting to the public. I also have their passwords and go often and read their messages and IMs. If ever one of my children denies me access to read their messages or IMs their accounts will be deleted instantly. I have laid down ground rules from the start that my children allow me access or they wont have access to the web sites. My husband has also installed a control program so that when needed I can block any website from every computer in the house.

ok thats just my 2cents worth.

Ms. Dretzin

I thank you for opening the road to understanding my two teenage children ages 17 and 13. Prior to your "Growing up Online" program it was "Greek" to me, now I am begining to understand. I am certain all parents with teenage children will be looking forward to the sequel "Growing up Online II".

P.S. I don't normally send comments regarding a PBS program but in this case I wanted my happyness known.

James

I would like to thank Frontline and PBS for giving us such an informative and relevant program.

I must disagree with many of the opinions I have read in the previous comments. As a mother of four (ages 5 through 15), I think too many parents allow their children to manipulate them into giving in too easily. Everyone has one, everyone is doing it; those type of archaic, ridiculous statements need to fall on parents' deaf ears.

Children and especially teenagers need to prove themselves deserving and responsible enough of their endless wants. My thirteen year old daughter doesn't have a cell phone and will only get one once she has saved her own money to purchase a prepaid one. Once she has shown me that she can successfully manage that one, perhaps I will buy her one on our family plan.

She has internet access at school, as well as at home but there are certain sites that she is not allowed to access. Period.

I do agree with the parent who talked about the importance of communication. It is imperative to spend time with our children, be part of their lives and get to know them. Even teenagers, from time to time, want to reconnect with their family and feel like they belong.

I think we need to prepare our children, especially the teenagers, to live in this tech world where everything they do online can and most probably will be able to viewed by others. Too many teenagers live in the moment and never give one thought about tomorrow. It is our job as parents to remind them of this.

Once they become adults and have jobs, their employers will most likely be able to track their online movements. Why would anyone think it is okay for your boss to do this but not your parents?

It is not about whether you trust your children. It is about having a few more decades of life experience and trying to steer them to the right path.

In my humble opinion, the PTO President (Evan's mom) didn't go far enough. There should have been consequences for his illegal behaviour (ie underage drinking).

I will definitely watch the second installment of Frontline of this program. And so will my teenager.

HI: I have viewed every Frontline program since its inception on PBS. This timely program, "Growing Up On-line" has compelled me to relate an unbelievable result of my viewing and ask for help.

First, I wish to say that I have two grown sons and daughter and still have a 15 year old son at home and am a grandfather and great grandfather.
Despite my age, I am considered "web wise" and "computer literate".

My 15 year old son has a "gaming", high end computer with high-speed Internet access. My wife and I both have top of the line computers and Internet access.

We home-school our son because of school bullying when he was small and our perception that he was being exposed to many objectionable influences in elementary and middle-school.

Now at 15, our boy is 6' 2", 210lbs, kind, mannerly, intelligent and an Eagle Scout prospect at our small troop.

We have discussed his access and time spent on the Internet, placed his computer in an alcove of the living room where we are aware generally of his on-line activity.

He types over 100 words a minute while wearing a gaming headset, with microphone, as he communicates and completely immerses himself in his on-line gaming and activities.

We have discussed on-line privacy issues, predatory practices, and the dangers of personal exposure and on-line scams.

We have not required knowledge of his passwords or attempted to violate his privacy. After all, he was explained the purpose of passwords was to provide him an ability to control access to "his" personal and private programs, blogs, games and even his bank account.

We explained that we trusted him based on his proving to us, over and over in other areas that he "could" be trusted, "his character proved his trustworthiness".

After viewing this Frontline program, I thought, how fortunate it was that we decided to home-school our son, how right we were to remove him from that climate of cheating, bullying and craziness that seems to permeate schools today.

But, in the back of my mind there was uneasiness that even in this "at home" environment all might not be as it seems. So with some guilt and some trepidation I "Googled" my son's World of WarCraft nickname.

Directly, I was taken to his gaming profile page and it looked as I had seen it many times on his computer. Then, I noticed that there was a listing for "his" website. I clicked on the link and it took me to the most hard core porn site I had ever seen, not "his" site, but a commercial site of every kind of straight, gay porn you could imagine.

Wow! My son is into this? Since when? Where have I been, on the moon?

As I reviewed his WOW profile site more closely, I noted that he had included his real age, date of birth, hometown, and other personal data that I thought we had covered as being too dangerous to reveal to the "universe".

Well, being a Vietnam veteran with over 30 years in the military, I am a long way from being a prude. I've seen my share of real, photographic and video events from "smokers" to Mexican nightclub porn and I wasn't dragged to any of it.

But the loss of the youthful innocence of your beloved son seems so much more eerie and weird when it's exposed or revealed to the masses on the Internet. This is not a "found" under the bed Playboy or Penthouse; this is a screaming shot around the world that exposes my son to any and all who wish to take note.

Then, I "Googled" my son's name and lo and behold another nickname popped up and I clicked on that link, feeling my heart rushing to keep up with my brain, and up pops a "profile blocked" page. Now what? I went back to the search page and clicked on the "cached pages" link and that took me to an old personal profile page of my son's that depicted Jesus making an obscene gesture and a rant on "anti-Christianity".

What the hell had I done? I felt so disappointed in my son, but also myself for ever having pursued this web search.

Did I really want to know what I had discovered? Is this a dream or a nightmare? What the hell do I do now? Do I not know my own son? Did I fail him, someway? Could I have been a better dad and parent?

Or is this just a young man thrashing about, trying to experience life, different views, thoughts, experiences, feelings, independence, control, all the things I too wanted and sought out when hormones were raging and manhood was approaching like a runaway train. I too, questioned everything I was told as a young boy. I too sought out the unconventional, the risque and "meaning of life". Was my son so different?

I had to handle this right, or I could offend, embarrass and alienate this boy who I love so much. I could just have him read this letter and then talk to him with as much understanding as I would wish from my father. Or, I could take away his computer, demand his passwords and forbid his access to the Internet in any way. Wow, "what a revoltin' development" as Jimmy Durante used to say, 50 years ago.

Well, I have a pretty good idea of what I am going to do but I would sure like some advice from all the good posters on this site including some insight from the teens out there that seem to have a pretty good handle on how they would like their parents to treat them.

Frontline, I know this is an immensely long post but it's a very important one to me and I think, probably to a lot of parents out there that see themselves in similar straits. Please post this comment.

Thank you for one of the greatest programs in all of television.
Dave

Excellent show. I thought I had missed it but was delighted to find it available "On Demand"
I would like to share with you several of my experiences with the Internet. First my niece was staying with me for the summer she was 14 at the time. She was a member of Tagged a "Myspace- like" site for teens. This was all new to me. I had heard of these online social networking sites but didn't really know much about it. She called me to the computer one day and showed me how somone had stolen all of her pictures (there were dozens) from her personal site on Tagged and had uploaded them to another site. How my niece was able to find out where the person had uploaded the pictures I don't know. But this person was claiming that the pictures were of her when they were pictures of my niece. She put captions under some pictures saying that the mother (my sister) was white and her father black. That was the reason for her biracial looks. My sister is actually a light skinned African American. This person also captioned a picture of my nephew and said it was her brother. I told my niece that she should report this person, but she just shrugged it off. I know we should have done something but at the time this was all new to me, it happened about three years ago. Earlier this year my niece who is now a Junior in High School deleted her Myspace account. Very unsual, but she deleted the account because of comments being made about her on other people's pages.

Myspace drama isn't just for the young. In 2006 I got a page because of the love of a TV show and the actors. My favorite actor on the show had a MYspace Fan Page and actually responded to people who left him comments. You also have to be on his friends list to see his pictures so I joined. It was a lot of fun (at first) making friends with people who share the same interest. On another forum we were discussing the season two DVD release of the TV show and someone took exception to a post I made about some of the commentary on the DVD. This person then brought her argument to the actors Myspace page and it got totally out of hand. The rude comments back and forth on MYspace got so bad the actor blogged about it. I know what you're think how juvenile. True and the most embarassing part is that we are all in our late 40's and early 50's I took a cue from by niece and a couple of months ago I deleted my Myspace page. Good riddance who needs the aggravation at my age.

I'm with you, Karen. I'm positive that Ms. Skinner has the best of intentions, but parenthood is just like everything else in this world, you get what you give. Suspicion breeds mistrust in any relationship: Moms and kids, husband and wife, you name it. It's a simple calculation. I know it's a fine line with parents and kids, but I think if you're putting the hammer down when they're 17, you're about 10 years too late.

I really liked the program. The mom who wanted the paswords is nuts. Kids need to have their own privacy. Would you really want to read your kid's diary? I'm 19 and my mother allows me and my sibs to go online and chat and stuff, but it is really open. She can walk in and sometimes we let here read our conversations, most of the time were just talking with friends and past exchange students. Anyway I loved the program and can't wait for the next one.

~Calista~

I have to say that I am proud of Mrs. Skinner for trying to put her son and the others in check. There is a saying that "it takes a village to raise a child" and this should apply to any community. what kids need to discipline and to not give in to their feelings of lust, anger, envy, and hate. This is what is leading to the destruction of of our society. We've taken God out of the equation and we are living by our own rules instead of the rules that he has set for us. i cant believe no one is making the connection between all the depression, suicide, bullying, and the lack of faith we have in God. The situation is only going to get worse if something doesn't drastically change in the way we raise our kids in the society as a whole. And I know this might sound strange to many people, but the answer to all these problems can be found is ISLAM.

I am glad I did not have Ms Skinner as MY mom.
No matter how well meaning she thinks she is she is nosey and un trusting. She reminds me of big brother. Her "I won't use your password" rings totally false.
I am 51 years old. Have two children ages 21 and 18.

Thanks for opening a floodgate with your report. My wife and kids viewed the program together. I'm already looking forward to the sequel.

I found especially profound your statement that this is the biggest generation gap since rock 'n roll. Since my wife and I have been on social networking sites for years, we're very aware both of what many normal teens are doing on the internet and of many parents' cluelessness about it.

Because we weren't clueless, we stopped a sexual predator before he could attempt to abuse our son and several other boys he was targeting (as young as 12). That relates to one big concern I had about your program--that you strongly imply that very few kids are in danger from predators unless they seek it. I'm afraid that attitude might put more kids in danger.

The predator we discovered was acquainted with my family and used the internet as a means to circumvent our supervision (and most normal means of internet monitoring). Those who believe that most teens and preteens are wise enough to thwart very sophisticated and long-term plans of some predators are being naive. Our son is a normal child with above-average intelligence and is internet savvy, but he was still no match for the craftiness of this predator. And parent-child closeness and communication, while vital, is not a failsafe, because predators are specifically scheming ways around that (they have guides about how to do that online, btw). The research on all this is well documented.

Your assertion that teens are doing wilder things offline than online also concerns me. I won't disagree with that, but, again, preteens and teens aren't as mature as their parents, and often don't recognize potential damage and lifetime consequences the way their parents do. While they might imagine their photos being admired by "hot teens" around the world, they might not be aware that their photos are also being stored, reposted, manipulated, and defiled by thousands of old perverts the world over, too (sometimes for profit)--only fueling the likelihood that more children will be approached and abused, on the net and off.

Again, thanks for making more people aware of this new era and its implications for good and evil. My family has embraced the positive uses of the internet, and we can't imagine doing otherwise.

I found the Frontline program so informative. I am a retired teacher and sympathize with other "old line" teachers who feel it's time to hang it up because the times are so different when it comes to educating the youth of today. I was encouraged that kids who are using different websites are aware of the predators who seek information from them. I applaud the parents who are taking an active role in learning about what sites their children are using. It's not easy being a parent, so kudos to you. And finally, a question..What was the name of the website that is used by so many who don't want to read books (I find that so frightening), but instead prefer a summation of what has been assigned them?

I was riveted to your program and learned a whole
new aspect of the "Net." I have grandchildren and hope they stay safe and communicative with their parents. What a wonderful "public service" you have done. Please air it again so I can have my family and friends watch it.
Jane Krim

I watched the show last night and was amazed at many levels. Let me begin by saying I'm a parent of two boys, 17 and 15. They've been at the computer since they were two. We have four PCs in the house and often five. We're all online, wireless. No fallacy of a Parent-Protection racket, no Nanny Net, nothing. The boys each have their own computer in their room and have for four years. The machine is considered their personal property.

All that, and I'm not crazy.

I hold a Master of Fine Arts degree in creative writing, am a curriculum developer for a large online college now catering to the needs of the "native." Personally, I've worked at a computer, since the 80s and have established, and nurtured meaningful relationships via email and other online portals. I am a rabid e-mailer. I am also a small business owner and virtually all my work is done online. I have a MySpace page and will create one in FaceBook when I get a free minute. I'll be 50 at the close of next year and what I'm most proud of, what I find most valuable in my life, is a close, open, relationship with my kids. And you don't have to take my word for it; talk to them.

They're my thesis.

Talk to them. Seek their council. Respect their privacy. Honor their creative minds. Understand the vast differences between Power and Force. One works, the other doesn't. And I'd like to go one step further here and suggest a novel idea: We're all people and need the same things to keep us whole and viable, no matter our age. We need a voice, we need to be heard, responded to, and understood. We need to explore who we are, who we aren't, and everything in between. We need our space respected, our hearts honored, and our intellect respected. It doesn't matter if you're three years old or 103. The game board lays out the same for all of us.

Every generation sees the world in a new way. When I grew up in the 70s we were smoking, drinking, doing a wide spectrum of drugs, enjoying petty larceny; most of my friends were pregnant before they turned 18. I buried seven of my pals before I was 20. And I was a good kid. Nice suburban neighborhood in New York. My parents had no idea what I was up to. None. And I knew nothing of their inner lives. We barely knew each other. Their imagined constraints on us, and there were plenty, we're dodged, out-thought and all our actions went underground. They were only kidding themselves.

But today is a different time and I know my kids and they know me. I ask for their advice about the world online, what's good, what's bad, what works, what to look out for. They've grown up knowing about predators and it's no new news to them, as it might be for others. I know I can't control what they do or what the world might send their way. I can't force some ridiculous online or cellphone regime on them and actually think it's going to work. I know who I'm kidding, and it isn't them.

People need to be self-governed and it needs to start on the inside where true power resides. It's imperative we allow that aspect of our kids to bloom, in them and in ourselves. We can't be afraid of every possible scenario out there. That's why most of us are on Prozac. But establishing a person's power, this self-governance, starts when they're small. I've long had my kids be my teacher, as that's the best way to learn anything. Then we have the Golden Rule: I treat them as I need to be treated, respected, honored and loved. They don't smoke pot; they're not racing cars or getting into trouble. They're nurturing safe relationships, being good people, being good friends, listening, talking, cultivating their own voice in this world. I've long heard the Dr. Phil advice to talk to your kids, but I think we'd all be well-advised to get quiet, very quiet, sit with them, and listen. The onus is on the parent here, not the other way around.

I graduated from Chatham High School in 1988, so it was especially fun to watch your report and catch glimpses of familiar neighborhoods where I used to live.

As a member of "Generation X" I don't completely identify with the parents or the kids in the report. The internet is a big part of my daily life and work (I do voiceovers from a home recording studio). I certainly know my way around a computer. It made our two international adoptions so much easier to pursue. I connect with my university students through Blackboard. I connect with friends from many stages of my life through Facebook. I make professional connections through LinkedIn. Our family's travel journal is now a blog with its own small following (http://familytraveljournal.blogspot.com). This week, thanks to yahoo e-groups, I am collecting donations to send to orphanages in Chengdu. It's all happening because of the web.

On the other hand, I am so, so careful about the information I share on the web and plan to teach my daughters the same kind of caution. We are in no hurry to get them online (they are 5 and 6). They'd much rather be outside. Funny, though...my husband signed up to coach our 6-year-old's soccer team at a website, and updates the parents on practice and game times via email...

There's no going back...and who'd want to? The internet is a blessing more than it is a curse.

Andi

Thank you for producing such an informative program. My heart goes out to the families that have shared their experiences with us.

My children are 19 and 23 and both in college. College wireless laptops have replaced the family computer located in our study. Facebook is definitely a site they use frequently and now in full view of all sitting in the family room. Your program approached the photo/video issue. Recently I heard a speaker tell of problems college kids encounter when future employers check them out on Facebook. Is this another area your producers would explore? I understand that even if photos and video are "deleted" that they are still accessible in sites that operate as banks of info.

We as parents have no idea how the internet has impacted our children except through informative, well documented programs such as yours. Thanks again!

What a great Frontline episode! Job well done.

I think what needs to happen is that parents need to just be aware that this new reality of transparency amongs youth is the norm. Parents need to be smart about what the new rule sets are and engage in open conversations about the ways their kids should behave in these social ecosystems such as facebook.

My 18 year old daughter has never know life without a computer. The way teens interact via these new social sites is just part of growing up and the teen rights of passage. It is central to how they communicate.

The mom trying to get her kids facebook passwords to "see" what they are up to is misguided concern. It actually shows a level of distrust of the kids digital world (thats why the screen goes dark when she gets too close).

Seriously, who is she kidding? Those kids are going to do what they want online on their friends computers. Her "control" is anything but.

These social networks are not just being used by teens. Over half of the facebook population of 70+ million users is over the age of 28. This is no longer just a teen communication and social interaction trend. This moving through all age brackets.

People just need to wake up to the fact that there is very little privacy. The more you become engaged in these networks the more open most people tend to become.

I look forward to seeing what you produce in the next episode.

Rodney Rumford
Publisher: http://www.facereviews.com

p.s I have been on facebook for almost 2 years and I am in in my early 40's. ;)

Definitately an interesting show. I read the Q&A, and as mliving discusses above, some people have already been through this, full circle. I don't think enough consideration has been givin to the experiences of these people and ultimately how they grew up. I think back in the 90's, most of us were playing games online and forging friendships with others like us. I grew up with forums and online communities over 10 years ago.

It's interesting the extent to which the online community has grown and changed since then, but a lot of it is still the same. I've grown out of it, not having a myspace page. I don't even like texting on my cell phone. It's interesting that as a teenager, I felt I communicated better online, in the forums. Like the kids in your show, I felt I could be my real self on the internet. I said those exact words to my mom 12 years ago. As an adult, I currently annoy my real estate agent by insisting that we meet face to face rather than talking on the phone or signing papers through the fax.

Oh my Gosh it's amazing to watch yourself in someone else. Evan Skinner is my new best friend because I totally understand who she is. I have three teenage boys actually two my oldest is 20 then 18 and 16. I had passwords to all my kids accounts. Mandatory. No questions. I was the parent that called the police on another parent when they left town and their house became a party house. I was the parent that drove all the kids around. I was a VERY active parent. If I didn't have the passwords to my youngest sons account I wouldn't have known that he was doing some risky experimentation with drinking and smoking pot. i thought being active and being present for all the activities was enough. It wasn't. What i did learn that Evan may want to learn, is that open dialoug and try to get rid of the non judgement and total control and the ability to let them make mistakes. What i see in her is what I was doing is protecting so much that they had to hide. It's hard to let your kids grow up and take away some of the control but unless they fail they will never succeed and you have to be close enough to let them fall with some sort of a net. High wire acts are tough and tricky but you can master them. I think the internet is wonderful and it teaches people how to communicate with each other it is a great place for self expression. It's a gift to be able to say what is on your mind. We had diaries, they have the internet it really is not different it is much more open. I see her uncomfortable with the openess of it and thats why she is so afraid of it. You have good kids and you need to trust them and let them make some mistakes and learn from them. I am glad i can see what my kids are doing on line. I think its important to randomly check just like you do when they go to sleep at night you just make sure they are safe and tucked in. It was a fun show to watch. She needs to let go just a tad, it will be ok and she has laid a good foundation they will be just fine. the tighter you put that noose the less you will get out of them. It's scary they won't need you like they have it is turning into a different relationship, but they will come back around .great show.

Thank you for airing this program.

Thank you to each and every person for allowing me to view a extremely personal part of your life. Your message has been heard. My heart goes out to all.

I'm almost 2,000 miles away from my daughter right now - and I wish I could snap my fingers at be with her - make sure she is safe.

I'll be back on this site when I get home -
Again - many thanks

As a parent and an Internet user since the early 1990s I could not stop thinking about a few things while watching this Frontline episode.

First, as a parent who raised my twin boys with the Internet I was and I am still absolutely astonished by parents who buy their children computers and laptops and then allow them to use their PCs totally unsupervised.

While I did not supervise my sons to the extent that Evan Skinner did. I none the less supervised them and more importantly as a family we regularly discussed what was acceptable behaviour and activities while online. And from a VERY early age.

My sons, even to this day as mature 20 year old young men DO NOT have a computer in their bed room. From the first computer that they shared to today, they have their room off the rec room, separated by louvered folding doors, in the basement where their computers are located and that is where they engage in online activities like gaming and instant messaging, etc. Thankfully my sons do not see much value or purpose in MySpace or Facebook, etc. They spend the bulk of their online time playing video games!

This is not to say that they have not explored the adult side of the web. They are boys and like most boys its pretty hard not to find adults sites and porn. They have and they were caught and again it was another discussion about expected behaviour. And NO it wasn't you'll go blind and go to hell. It was an adult discussion about being a teenage male with teenage urges and about masturbation and about expected behaviours. There is a place and a time to take care of these urges and its NOT in front of your computer in the basement! They knew exactly what was expected because we DISCUSSED IT OPENLY!

In the early years of the Internet we had dial up. I set up a server in order for my sons to be able to be online at the same time. One of the great things about setting up a dial up server was it allowed me to monitor and control where my young 8-10 year old sons did and went online.

Most routers that people use to connect multiple users in a single household today have similar if not better features. Parents can, with a little reading, easily setup their family routers to log destinations, restrict activities like instant messaging and web traffic, disable connectivity during certain periods of time, and a whole host of parental controls that are designed to help you manage your child's online activities. Sure you kid will likely try and reset the router but if it's a wireless router then it does not need to be in the same room and the laptop so locate it in a different room that you can restrict access to. If the problem persists. Take the modem (not the router) to work with you.

Granted most parents would roll their eyes and say I don't have a clue how to do that so I guess I'll just have to trust my kid. WRONG!!! It's NOT about trust it's about being a parent. Not many parents would allow their son or daughter to sleep overnight at a friends without contacting the other parent(s) and ensuring that everything was on the up and up. Yet most parents seem to think that their kids can self-supervise themselves online. And as Frontline clearly demonstrated, some can and most can not.

Allowing your 14 year old daughter to take her laptop into the bathroom while online is not a normal adult behaviour. A colleague of mine and a single parent is struggling to maintain some control of her 14 year, uber connected, daughter's behaviours and those of her 10 year Call of Duty rebel son.

Struggling to understand their behaviours, struggling to maintain control of their online time and just plain struggling with being a parent. Like parents of the sixties generation so to are many parents today simply unequipped to deal with the technologies that their children have such an intimate relationship with.

One of the biggest problems I think parents face today is the complete lack of understanding of these technologies, the activities their children are doing with the technologies and how best to manage their kids use of these technologies. Parents need to become better educated about these technologies. Use these technologies yourself before you have to for all the wrong reasons like Ryan's dad had to.

Get online with other parents and Google this stuff. Everyone knows a computer geek like me. Ask them to assist you.

Sit down with your child and have them show you what it is they are doing. If they are under sixteen they had better not have a problem with that. Over sixteen, well, you're probably going to need to have a long and most likely a heated discussion about getting your child to share their online activities with you. If they are unwilling to share then make sharing a condition of home Internet access. Same goes with the cell phone.

Talk to other parents, teachers and most importantly TALK TO YOUR CHILDREN.

BE your child's moderator!

Good luck!

Ms. Dretzin,

Growing up online was very interesting to me, not so much because of the stories about severely troubled, or in some cases just typically irresponsible adolescents, but in the portrait of a large number of parents that have become detached from the world that their children are growing up in. To me it seems that the situation is not so much that their children are going too far as that the parents are lagging behind.

All of the parents depicted in your program seemed like well-meaning, concerned people anxious to 'do the right thing' but with little idea what the right thing might be. Cutting off access to the Internet, or invading their children's privacy by demanding their account passwords are, except in the most dire cases, probably poor solutions. Better would be to spend at least a little time learning about their children's new world and participating in (or at least monitoring) this important aspect of their children's lives.

In Ms. Skinner's video response was especially revealing. Through her limited participation in only one Internet community--Frontline's--she learned both how gratifying it is to reach out to a wide community of sympathetic people and how unsettling it can be to be on the receiving end of uncivil and unprovoked hostility. This is exactly what makes social networking sites like MySpace attractive and empowering to some teens and potentially damaging for others. With respect to her decision to notify other parents about the messy events in Madison Square Garden, I think she made the best choice in a tough situation. It should be kept in mind, though, that while the unfortunate events surrounding the concert had little to do with the Internet, she and other parents found out about the risky behavior of their children, only because someone she knew was paying some attention to the internet.

A few especially vulnerable children might require Internet usage restrictions of some kind, but in most cases, in my opinion, it would be far better if parents made the effort, which may be considerable, to try and catch up with this important new context. This is one of the main places that their children are developing their social skills, values, as well as their understanding of the world and their place in it. Their parents should be helping them do this, not hindering them out of ignorance.

I am looking forward to your followup report!

I was incredibly proud of Evan Skinner. Her son may be disappointed, and she was clearly pained by the conflict that ensued from publicizing his (already public) postings, but her decision was absolutely correct. Disgruntled adolescents are often a sign that good parenting has taken place.