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Thanks so much to the families that shared their stories. I wish this series was available four years ago when I lost my wonderful father to colon cancer. It would have given me some direction on how to handle the situation with a little more grace. Watching a love one die is one of life's challenges. While the experience is painful, I'll always know that the last thing my father said to me was "I love you". I know that in the end, my mother and I did everything we could to make his final days comfortable and dad got to die in his home which was his final wish. This painful experience has brought my mother and I closer. It took great courage for your families to share their feelings and it was nothing short of heroic for the patients to share their death with all of us. May they rest in eternal peace and may their families take comfort in knowing that they have helped more people than they will ever know. Thanks! Renee As a health care professional in complimentary medicine, I have for many years followed eastern teachings that death is a passage between life and rebirth. However, it has been extremely difficult for me to forgive myself for choosing not to be present for my father's death. He was 96 and very healthy until he was diagnosed with blockage of the carotid artery. He decided to follow the advice of his physician and went through angioplasty, after which he went into sergical trauma. The last month of his life was spent on life support, in restraints, in ICU. He drifted in and out of conciousness, according to confusing reports I received from my brothers and the nursing staff. I was at that time very sick and too frightened to feel kthe powerlessness of seeing him in such a horrible hospital setting. He had a moment of clarity several days before his death in which he said a final goodbye to all his close friends and forgave me for my absence. In the program tonight, I was particularly struck by the doctor who emphasized that there is no right way to die. I struggle with my guilt and try to forgive myself for I guess there is no right way to let a loved one pass. Nancy after making difficult decisions for my father --talk about actions desired before you get to the crisis point and make sure you are understood!! Karen My father died a year and half ago. He suffered with alzheimers for a few years.He broke his hip in October and passed away the following January. We were able to take care of him at home. We were all(eight children and many grandchildren) able to say our goood byes and be by his side in his final moments. Watching Mrs. Kerr's story brought back so many memories. I feel so grateful that I was able to be there. My uncle passed away in a nursing home two years prior by himself. To this day it haunts me. I wish I was there to hold his hand. In both cases,my dad and uncle, there were no measures to prolong their lives. They had suffered enough. My Dad was given morphine and we sat by his side and sang to him, just as he would do when we were sick or just needed to feel special. It may sound like a lot of work and time but they are your parents and they did it for you. I bet they don't regret it. Joellen i have been a caregiver for 6 yrs now.my husdand has had 3 mi's and in the final stages of congestive heart failure.........it was a comfort to hear other peoples stories. i haven't had any outside help....but i do have good friends that listen.....i am able to look at it as a process, and it has been a blessing to share this borrowed time with him. there are times that are just so wonderful and then there are times that i don't want to let go Linda I stumbled upon "With Eyes Open" the other night and was very taken with the series even though it was difficult to watch. My mother died two years ago at the age of fifty four from breast cancer. She was cared for at home by my father and had hospice care for only a couple of days as she went very quickly in the end. Hospice was a life changing experience for me, I was so taken with the honesty and compassion of those people. We were lucky in that one of the hospice workers was a long-time, close family friend and had her own attachments to my mother. Her presence was extremely comforting and we were able to listen and ask questions with a level of intimate trust. She will always be a special part of my mothers death experience. As she told us what to expect during her final days I listened with a level of disassociation as I couldn't believe that we were really going to go through this. I was amazed at the accuracy of her words, there must be such a common thread of experience in the dying pr Hillary I hope the remaining two episodes of With Eyes Open will deal with circumstances in which there is not unity or cooperation among family members. This must be happening in families other than mine. I suspect that the process of agreeing to be filmed acts as a filter: families at odds with each other would be less likely to allow their discord to be documented. Family discord makes everything more difficult. There is no peace. There is also the aspect of disability, hovering death, and an unknown timeline. People do not have OFF buttons. Distance is frequently a complicating factor in our mobile society. Pat Wisconsin have not had the chance to view your program yet. Have it on tape. Am grateful for stations such as yours that make programing like this possible. Am part of a service group at church and will be using program as a guide in future meetings. Only sorry did not know With Eyes Open was also part of the complete program. Missed first two nights but will be sure to add tonights. Hope this will be broadcast again. THANKS!!! Joan Michigan So far I've seen 2 nights of this series. It is sooo thought provoking. It's made me realize the importance of planning regardless of age or health. I have a friend that is living with a fatal disease (Duchennes Muscular Dystrophy). He is on a vent and completely dependent on others. It breaks my heart to say that nothing is in place for him. It is never spoken of by the family.... he has had numerous crisis yet still no plans. My mother has COPD and this is something that I feel my family really needs to discuss and plan for the possible future choices we may be faced with. If anyone has ideas on how to bring this up with her, please let me know. Debi Ca. I can't say my attitude has changed about the process of death and dying. I am very grateful that hospice programs exist and that people are being given the option to view death not as a medical emergency but as part of the experience of life. As a Christian I see death as the doorway to Heaven; as something walk through, not run from. A dear friend of mine has terminal brain cancer, my father in law has lymphoma. Watching the show has given me more of a base for dealing with those I love as they make their journey. Also, I find that I am becoming increasingly interested in the spiritual aspect of hospice work and I hope to find myself volunteering or working in that field someday when the demands of my very little children are not as reat as they are now. Peggy SD As Palliative Care Coordinator for the Brandon Regional Health Authority, i have found this series extremely useful for the palliative care programme here in Brandon.It is interesting to note the same sense of frustration with the system is rampant across North America in your health care system as well as medicare-funded Canadian system. The real stories form people only highlight the very real importance of dying in our society and how it has been brushed aside due to technology, our lack of family cohesiveness, our mobile society and now we baby boomers are demanding that some action be taken so that we won't be brushed aside too. Thank you for presenting this very valuable information. Bev Manitoba, Canada All my life I was taught that killing oneself or assisting someone else to do it was very wrong. Now after watching my parents going downhill in assisted living care I wonder if religon has unduly influenced quality of life decisons. Richard Va I work as a social worker in long-term care; this will make it apparent how I will be able to make use of the information and advice I am receiving from "On Our Own Terms" and "With Eyes Wide Open". I have been taping both series so that I can watch them again and again. Both series are very well developed and are useful for medical professionals and lay people alike. John Florida this show comes at a time when my brothers and i are going through my mothers own beginning of the end. i find it helpful to hear how others are dealing with the issue of death because it is one of those subjects that is just not glamorous enough for prime time. thank you for this forum and for reminding us all that death with dignity is everyones personal wish and should be everyones right. Jeanne TN extreme ? distasteful ? in addition to an advance directive and discussions with my doctors concerning care when i become terminally ill, i have three tattoos in case of immediate need: no code, no cpr, stroke meds ok. hopefully this will cause an emt or someone on the scene of an accident if i couldn't speak to withhold care and cause them to look for the directive that i carry in my purse. these certainly do not cover all scenarios but if papers are lost in the hospital there is still evidence of the basics of what i want Tess MO I want to send a message to Kitty's daughter - the one who felt guilty for asking her mother to wait. I was with my mother when she died in 1978, before people talked about death and dying. I did not know my mother was dying as I stood beside her and held her hand. I have second-guessed my every move of that day. But Kitty's daughter need not do that. If her mother had lived for days, either frigtened or in pain, then perhaps the request for her to wait would have been selfish. Because her mother died so soon and so naturally, in the circumstances she desired, with no need for the medicine - well, don't you see it turned out perfect? The dying, when not interferred with and when they are at peace with themselves, know when to let go. My very best wishes. Mary Your series is amazingly accurate and helpful. It has eased some of the feelings that "has anyone ever gone through this before" feelings. Thank you for your time and efforts in this production. Pam Indiana AS ONE WITH ALS, I KNOW WE CANNOT BEGIN TO LIVE LIFE UNTIL WE REALIZES DEATH IS PART OF LIFE. Rich NY I have a father who is going to be 101 years old in 5 months. He has been in a nursing home for 4 years in Maryland. I feel torn because I try to visit him as much as possible but I work part-time 30 hrs a week and have a demanding job and when I get home I'm exhausted. I have a half-brother but he has pretty much abandoned him so everything is dependent upon me.My mother passed away 8 years ago from lung cancer and I also was the major attention giver. I was very close to her and to this day I am still mourning her death. I feel that each day my dad is alive is a gift but I have a terrible fear of him dying because then I will be alone, even though I am married. The love of a parent cannot compare to a love of a husband. It is just not the same. Don't you agree? Anyway these are my feelings which I felt I needed to express. Alisa Virginia MY NEXT APPONTMENT WITH MY PRIMARY DOCTOR WHICH WILL BE SEPT. 28TH WILL INCLUDE A 'DIRECTIVE' FOR NO UNNATURAL LIFE SUSTAINING MEASURES AND THAT I WANT ALL THE COMFORT MEDICATION THAT IS AVAILABLE. I AGREE THAT CHEMO AND OTHER PROGRAMS LESSEN OUR COMFORTABLE LIFE STYLE WHILE LENGTHENING OUR LIFE VERY LITTLE.I ENJOYED OR SHOULD I SAY I GOT ALOT OF GOOD INFORMATION NECESSARY TODAY BUT IT WAS DEPRESSING BUT VERY WELL DONE. I have been a caregiver for my now 98 year old mother for 3 years. When it started following hip surgery noone ever thought she would last this long. Now, fully recovered from the broken hip, a total mastectomy 2 years ago. and a major move into our new home she is still going...like the energizer bunny. I am an RN, not presently working, who was primarily involved with geriatric home care, thought I had all the answers, but it was easier to teach caregiving than to do it. Mom was my good friend, the best grandmother, and so very independent but now sleeps most of the day, is fearful at night in her strange surroundings, can't concentrate or remember from one minute to the next so conversation is the same every day. Frustrating, yes, anger, sometimes and guilty afterwards, Would I do it any different? No! I am on only child and as hard as it is to watch someone you love deteriorate, the care and love she gets with us is not available in an institution. Laws need to be changed to provide more help with caregiving and respite for the caregivers. It's a 24/7 job and takes its toll on the whole family. Those of us involved in it need to become proactive and make sure there are changes in the system so that those following us will get more help. The cost of private care is beyond the scope of most families. Bobbie Maryland I am amazed at how "at peace" many of these people seemed to be. I have lost 2 family members in the last 2 years, and wish I had seen this series 2 1/2 years ago. I think it would have made a difference on how I handled certain things. My sister was diagnosed with breast cancer a year ago, had a mastectomy, along with radiation and chemo treatments. Everything seemed to be going fine until a few months ago when the drs. discovered the cancer has spread to many parts of her body. My sister is a very private, independent person, and I want to offer her any help I can but I realize her need to be in control of everything right now and it is very difficult for me to know how to talk to her and let her know that I will be there for her for whenever and whatever she needs. I just wanted to say that I think your series has been very helpful, and extremely well done. Kathy NY I am a hospice worker and I see people in caregiving situations all the time. I am also in the same situation, though it is somewhat different. I am the parent of a child who is now 19 years old and is autistic and has cerebral palsy. I am doing many things for him that I did for him as a baby. It is not easy. One of the hardest things i have done is to take time for myself though it is what I preach to others. I am now doing it and it has been beneficial to both of us. Sandra Virginia My father lives hundreds of miles from me... he isn't dying but he is in constant pain. In talking to him today he said they could do nothing more then they are doing. He told me he had three of the best Doctor's. He is 87 and is recoving from hip surgery with no hip replacement because they couldn't put it in. I understand that the cut off bone is just against flesh. He is staying with my deceased brother's x-wife who is a nurse and you would think he is being cared for well, but I hate to hear him talk about his pain. He is on some sort of patch and takes Tylenol 4... my question is would being more aggressive with pain relief shorten his life? Donna Tennessee The program is a gift to humanity. Thanks again Bill Moyers! Will my husband and I ever forget these evenings watching the gift of life slip away. You bet not. We have started talking about our own mortality and we have work to do. You have made the sessions ahead a comfortable place. Thank you so very much. Amy Indiana my mother has lung cancer we fould out in may 2000 she had desided to live with this , you see went she was told about this she was in the hopsal we had to tell her that our sister had died in her sleepthe day befor the doc. told mother about her cancer this was hard to do for all of us . IAN GLAD YOU THAT YOU SHOW IS ON THE T.V. TODAY IT HELP ME A LOT AND IT IS HARD WORK TAKING CARE OF MOTHER BUT YOU SEE SHE TOOK CARE OF US WENT WE WAS SMALL BY THE WAY MOTHER NAME IS Lillian Pharis she is 81yr. my fathername is William he is 86yr. both are low income .Lhope there will be some help for us like I saw on your show or someone to talk to in Toledo Ohio.thank you for what I have learn from your show.my sister was 50yr.old her name was Etta I would like to know were we can get a living will for my mother&Father that don"t cost a lot you see by the time they pay there bills &rent & med they have to buy food they are lucky to have $40.00 doller left .thank you for reading this Bernice Ohio It makes me wonder when more shows will discuss this topic? Tom Ill The program help me to understand that there is a time to let your love one go. I am the mother & caregiver of two grown children & both are mentally challenged, although not physically sick, i've often wondered how could I go on if something should happen to them but now I know that after I saw enough suffering, I know I would want the suffering to end. I appreciated very much hearing the caregivers speak because I feel so alone in my world. It was nice to hear that I'm not the only one that thinks your family does not understand what you go thru & yes, it does bring out the best in you when your heart helps you thru & you appreciate so little & I've realized lately that I'm the person in public being the compassionate one to all that I have contact with, whether at the grocery store or Dr's office, I will help anyone that needs it & i know this is great & wish there were more like me & i'm sure I wouldn't be this person if it had not been for the 29yrs. I've spent with my 2 children & so true Katie Fla THE PEOPLE SHARING THEIR LIFE STORIES WERE ABLE TO LAUGH AND SMILE. I LIKED THAT.DEATH DOES NOT HAVE TO BEE 100% DARK AND GLOOM.... Nancy WI After watching this wonderful series, I have not changed my attitudes. This series has affirmed for me that we should all have the right to decide end of life issues and that professionals - physicians, nurses, nurse practitioners, etc. should be able to assist without penalty of law. We treat our animals better than we do our people. People deserve the right to have choices and control. This is an excellent series on a difficult issue. My heart goes out to Bill Moyer and his wife, other people involved in producing the show but especially to the patients and their families for sharing such an intensely personal part of their lives and deaths. Marlene MN I wished this show was on a few weeks ago. The decisions on "pallative" care had to be made for my father who passed away last Tuesday but we didn't know it had a name and though my mind told me I did the right thing, my heart was saying I was wrong but now I know what was done was for the best and now maybe my heart can heal. Thanks Maryann New Jersey Dear Mr. Moyers; What a splendid credit you are to your profession. You inform and enlighten. As usual you are both ahead of the curve and leading our perceptions. A beautiful show of great importance. It should be required in every medical school in this country. Thank you for your great talent and sensitivity. Respectfully, Michael F Mullarkey, MD, FACP Washington My husband and I buried three of our parents this past year after almost 10 years of caregiving for all four parents. My mother now is in a nursing home in San Rafael. I almost debated NOT to watch the program as it was so close to home. But I am glad we did, if only to validate our emotions and stories. We did what we could and now we can reap the emotional and spiritual benefits of giving when it was so hard. Dying and deathing are the most profound windows into God. Thank you for your frank and refreshing discussion on what I call "our last dance." Karen CA It just confirms how important it is to respect the wishes of terminally ill people. It's a most difficult decision - for all concerned - the caregiver, the physician, loved ones, friends, etc. Having gone through the experience with my mother, who died of cancer almost 13 years ago, I only hope that if I, too, ever experience a terminal illness, that I may have the courage and strength she did through this ordeal. The only regret, of course, is "I wish I would have done this, that or the other, and enjoyed her while she was here. It put many things in perspective - what's really important in life - job, money, or just living and enjoying life and your family. I now have 4 grandchildren, and take the time to enjoy them and experience through them all the daily wonders of life - however simple. I try not to take anything for granted, but be grateful for all that I and my family have - however simple it may seem to others - a job, good health, a home. I try remember to be grateful to just wake up every morning, able to get about and do all the things I need to do. Your program was wonderfully done - sensitive to the families being filmed, respectful considering we were watching their lives, and the photography depicting the subject matter said so much without having to say anything. A wonderful program that I hope many people watch and are able to take from it something to help them in their lives. Joan WA I am angry at death. It took the only person who cared about me - my dad. I am angry that it took my sister and brother while we were in the midst of disagreements. I am angry that my mother kept my dad's final condition from me. 11 hours after my dad passed away, I walked into his home to find out he was gone. I sat down and kept saying, "I don't understand." What I meant was that even through this, my mother did not include me. I was not my dad's caregiver. The thought of that even scared me. But he was precious to me. I thought that visiting him was good for him. I think he liked me. E CA It has brought back many memories, I was my mothers' caregiver for 7 years, she had alzheimers, she pasted away in December and it was a blessing that she did not have to endure the indignity of dying with alz..over the last year I had watched my Mother die several times...I lost my friend, someone that I trusted, the one that said I was the best, the only one that loved me unconditionally, i hope i gave her a happy ending..to her life..sometimes I had to look at alz with laughter..because if i stopped to think to long i would always be crying...i found my escape "on line" with one person i call my friend.. i remember my mom saying to me.."what's he saying now" in an eager voice..and i would relay the conversation...she would laugh..and i would go back to typing..i would laugh and she would say.."what's he saying now"...she would say.."i like him..ahhh..he so funny" and she did not realize i had never met him...but he made us both smile..i felt guilt in wanting her to die and not have to live the life that was expected...i cried all the time..when she passed away suddenly i had no more tears...i was relieved..not for myself but for her..i miss her terribly..but when i sit and laugh with "my friend" on line today...i can hear her in the background saying to me "what's he saying now" and i smile at the memory, along with the many ones she left with me...i have to thank God now for allowing me to be able to care for Karen Alberta, Canada The reason I wanted to watch this series was because I was interested in seeing how others dealt with the caregiving and handling of the death of their loved ones. I wanted to compare and see if I had done it right. Out of four childred three of ours were born with and died from Cystic Fibrosis. For eighteen years I ate, drank and slept with this illness. My children, who were supposed to outlive and care for me in my old age, were dying slowly year after year in my arms as I fought with all my might to keep them alive, hoping for a cure. I know all loss is great but to lose your children is truly devestating. The reprecussions of long term illnesses are issues that need to be discussed as well. Such as the effect it has on all relationships: husbands and wives, marriages, siblings, cousins, grandparents, neighbors and friends; The emotional toil/pain. The enormous revelations that come to you in this process. Sometimes I am amazed that I have survived and moved on. Sometimes I feel su My thoughts and feelings are too many to acknowledge without writing a book. I feel I have gained much insight of humanity through this experience and I know I am a better person for having faced it head on, dealt with and survived. There are so many lessons I learned and am still learning although it has been almost 20 years since my last CF child died. She was 17 and my only daughter. I will miss her until we are together again. Which is another subject I would like to discuss as there have been some ocassions where she has definitely been there for us. These were to obvious to dismiss and I feel we should all learn to be open to recognizing these moments least we miss something so profound and important to our being. I feel each child was at a different plateau of their soul development and the transitions was different for each. Our surviving son is married with two healthy children. We: our son and his family, my husband and I are still feeling the reprecussions, bad and good, of the whole overwhelming experience. I have much to be thankful for and I realize it every day because I have been tried by fire. Norma California Please note this area is designed as an informal discussion area. If you are looking for help, there are many useful links in our Resources section. |
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