RE: Sieze the day ... I have that very phrase on the opening screen of my cell phone and read it that often.

Pam
Colorado

both my parents died at home both had advanced directives. what has helped me was knowing they were free from pain and that everyone they loved was there.they died with dignity. knowing what they wanted their death to be like help so much. i know that i will discus my death with my daughter long before that time comes.make sure you haVE A LIVING WILLOR YOU MIGHT DIE IN A HOSPITAL on a ventilator or feeding tube because your doctor does not want to feel like he helped you die or start explaining that the treatment made the disease worse and that is why there is such discussions on treating the elderly.

Cheryl
Colorado

MY MOTHER'S CANCEER OPERATION WAS DEC. 15TH. THE DOCTOR SAID HE GOT EVERYTHING HE COULD SEE OR FEEL. DID HE GET IT ALL. NO!!!!!AT AGE 90 THEY DID NOT REFER US TO AN ONCONLOGIST. WE HAVE ALWAYS WONDERED WHY NOT????IT WAS A 7 MONTH DEATH SENTANCE NOT ONLY FOR HER BUT FOR MYSELF AND MY SISTER. UNTIL WE FOUND A HOSPICE FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS WE FELT LIKE PRISIONERS THAT COULDN'T LEAVE THE HOUSE OR EVEN THE ROOM FOR THAT MATTER. THE NURSES AT THE HOSPICE WERE WONDERFUL, THEY TOOK OVER WHEN WE JUST COULDN'T ANYMORE. I WOULD LIKE TO ADVISE SOMEONE WITH WHAT I HAVE LEARNED IN THOSE PAINFUL MONTHS. I CAN'T IMAGIN PEOPLE DOING THIS FOR YEARS..

Nancy
Wi

I don't recall how I came into possession of a book entitled, "Love, Medicine, and Miracles" by Bernie Siegel, but that book became my lifeline during the 14 months following my husbands' surgery for stomach/esophageal cancer. That particular book, and later any book by Louise Hay (look for the rainbow on the covers) were the things that helped me cope with a series of tragic circumstances prior to his death.

Jane
SC

In making our End of Life Decisions how many people consider the option of organ, tissue, and eye donation. With the present laws requiring the hospitals to notify their Organ Procurement Agencies of all deaths, the families of the deceased may be notified and given the option of donation. If we would think about this topic and tell our families what we would like to have done this would make it so much easier for them. With your family knowing what your wishes are there is a better chance to help the 71,000 people that are waiting for an organ transplant. The number of people waiting is growing rapidly and peoplr need to consider this option for when they die. Many people find comfort in being able to donate, because it allows them to see something good come out of this sadtime in their life. This something I feel everyone needs to consider.

A.J.
VA

I have just watched a small part of this serries. This is the most valuable programing I have seen on this sensative issue. I only wish it had been available to me in the past. I was primary caregiver to my husband who lost his battle with cancer. During the course of his illness, many chose to leave our circle of friends and then my employer chose to terminate me. Not only was I plunged into unknown and frightening times, but I felt as though I were in a foreign world as life progressed and death neared. As we are born, so shall we die. Our culture provides little preperation for the issues one faces when brought face to face with human mortality. I hope to be able to obtain a copy or transcript of this programing to share with my friends and family. I view this as a gift to be shared, especialy with my children who will need to be prepared when my passing comes near. My healing is a work in progress. I am lucky to have friends who are unshockable and loving as I share details and feelings. I needed to talk about the course of the the cancer and the moment of death, as much as I needed to talk about my loss and the person for whom I grieve. I have since contemptated my own death. Being able to do this and still move foreward has clearly changed how I make choices about daily life, my values system, and how I relate to others.

Sue
WA

None of us is immune to loss of one type or another, whether it be a job, being single, seeing our kids grow up. Though when it comes to death of a loved one, we are very selfish creatures. We want to hold on and keep them as long as possible, sometimes even longer than they wish to stay. Though personally, being one of nine kids, being the caregiver for my parents since 1993, I at times wished someone would come and take over and yet I also feel grateful that I got those last 7 years with my Mother. She had liver failure that was caused by hepatitis that she got from a blood tranfusion. Labor Day 1993 she went into a coma within hours of my taking her to Loma Linda University. The doctors never expected her to wake up, which she did the very next day. They shrugged their shoulders until her death January 13, 2000. I am very, very blessed to have had those years. At the end I helped her decide not to let them ventilate her, I have had guilty feelings about, though I also know that in m Though in the end I believe that she was ready. It is still hard, you still miss them everyday, though you would never want to see them go through the pain again. The best thing is to get out and talk to others, share what you have been through, it helps you and will proably help someone else sooner than they think. Best of all, no matter what anyone tells you, KNOW that everyone is different and grief has no rules. Some(especially those who weren't there everyday) can move on quickly, others take months and even years. That IS okay. No two people will react the same. And IT IS OKAY TO THINK ABOUT IT, TALK ABOUT IT, AND TO CRY. With that is So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. --john 16:22NIV We will have our memories, and no one can take those from us.

Cynthia
California

How does a person deal with a loved one who won't talk about their impending death, because they don't want to upset you? This has been my question since 1974, when my grandfather died, and I vowed not to repeat it. Unfortunately, my Mom, who died in March of this year, was reluctant to express any emotion or thoughts on the subject. I sometimes wonder what she thought when she entered heaven - I think she would be bewildered and say, "What am I doing here? I was only taking a nap!" So my question remains: How do you remain truthful when your loved one won't or can't?

Sue
WA

I've come close to death from a chronic illness a few times. As a result, I'm getting my ducks in a row, as far as leaving the "essence" of me, more organized for my loved ones- my poetry, journals, drawings, little collections or stones, etc.- things they've come to know as real expressions of my self.

Nancy
AK

My pathway to healing began 15 years after the death of my father when I was 10 years old. he died suddenly and my family swept the event and the grief "under the rug". I've been on my own with my grief and healing and its been a long lonely necessary road but around each bend lies the next insight, truth and comfort as long as I stay not afraid and seek support when I need it - One profound gift out of the experience is my poetry which grew spontaneously out of the healing act of journaling. Here is what I had to say: (NOTE: With a generation of families-children, spouses, parents, friends-whose grief and mourning could not be allowed or witnessed, I wonder about their processes, how they cope with these life long wounds that eventually scar over but never go away? The hospice movement and events like this series help the now and future generations but what about this past one?) My poem-

I MINDED

I knew you died.
We were taken from school that day,
five days after my brother turned seven.
I heard the words my mother said.
God took you to Heaven.
(It was his fault then.)
I was your daughter and I was ten.

In my next life later that day,
I snuck back to be with my brother.
We had tea and toast and listened
to white lies, our own to each other
about eternal rest and the word deceased.
The strangers in back continued to whisper.
Out the front window to friends we yelled-
"Our father died" and someone scolded-
"Get away from there".
I got a new dress to wear.

Fallen from the high shelf
I lived as scattered pieces.
Among the stars, below the daisies,
beneath the waves, take your pick.
Glue I eventually forged
from the backwash of my tears.

I'm a broken piece of china,
functional, even pretty.
Never healed, never not cracked.
Harden lines and fissures
where evening tea seeps out
and dialogue seeps in
haunt me.
Like the wrinkles that appear
in my fortieth year.
But didn't you know?
They've been there since
I was ten.

Nancy
MA

My husband died at age 41 of a sudden heart attack. I was 36 years old with four children ranging in age from 13 to age 4. Back in 1971, there were no support groups. I went through the usual steps which we know now by Kubla-Ross to be the steps of grieving but at that time were unfamiliar to most everyoneand myself. I suffered anger, terrible depression (could not get out of bed) financial worries, alienation from friends and basically concerns about whether we would all survive. After and while I was goimg going through the steps of grieving, I began to lower my expectations of myself: for instance, I felt terribly that my children were deprived of a father, but I decided I could not be father and mother and that the only thing I could do was be a good mother. I also decided that things my husband and I did with the children such as a car trip of 2000 miles were things I would have to do on my own and so I forced myself to drive with 4 children alone and I did it. I gained alot of confidence

Carol
TX

Our mother was diagnosed with cancer on April 1, 1995. She died April 26. Time was of the essence. We cared for her three weeks before she left us. It was such a shock that I don't think I had time to realize what had happend. She died peacefully and in her home which was the way she would have preferred. She didn't suffer like so many other cancer patients do and for a very long period. Her death was a blessing in the sense that her suffering was not prolonged. A year and a half later our father suffered a major stroke. He has left side paralysis. He continues to live at home but needs assistance from cooking his meals to bathing, being taken to bathroom, put in bed, taken out of bed, etc. He has become our main priority. Unfortunately, some of my siblings can not come to terms with his illness. They have decided not to help with the caregiving. And that is okay. I saw your program last night and could understand where some of these caregivers were coming from. The stress, tension, frustration and finally the reward. I enjoy the times that I spend with my father and cherish every moment with him. I know that one day he won't be around and I want him to know that I love him and will take care of him. I also want my children to know him and love him. I want my children to know that it's okay to get old and not to be afraid of being around him. I've had more conversations with myself than I care to remember. But I feel that when the times comes he and I will both be ready to say good-bye. We've had our time for healing and accepting whatever may come, when it comes.

Linda
Texas

I think my faith in God has been the biggest factor to keep on going plus,after losing my husband six years ago,I still had a disabled son to take care of that needed me for everything.He is nineteen now and I came very close to losing him last year from pneumonia.He' o.k. now but requires full time care as he always has.But knowing there's a God that loves us and helps us is what keeps me going.

Sharon
VA

I am very impressed, & somewhat suprised that Moyers on Dying, aired on before, during, and after death. And received that much attention. Americans dont like talking about death, and if someone close to you is very sick everyone disapears, untill they person is at deaths door. My story is a prime exsample of that. I could relate, impathise, and sympathicy, with all the different events on this special program you aired. I was the caregiver, and the support I saw on this program, (I'd wish I could have watched it sooner), my Mother died 9months ago. I am currently seeking grief support which interacts with my christian faith. I want to thank everyone involved in this program, I out of many im sure appreciated the hope, & information, that needed to be done and said in this country.

Debra
CA

Having recently watched the torture my brother went through while dying of pancreatic cancer in these last few weeks has given me the courage to face my own recently diagnosed breast cancer with more courage... and to face the inevitable possibility of dying. I've always thought it was not death that was frightening, ... but never understood why the dying had to be so hard.

Ria
TX

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