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Next week’s news: WeekyLeaks edition

The big news this week was the top-secret Afghan war documents leaked by WikiLeaks.

The bombshell revelation? The war in Afghanistan isn’t going very well.

Good for you, WikiLeaks. But my question for you is: How exactly does that qualify as a leak? I mean, technically, doesn’t a leak have to be something we haven’t already known for, like, nine years? In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve read this news before — in “Duh” magazine.

Come on, WikiLeaks! You can leak better than that. In fact, I can. That’s why this week I’m introducing a new feature here at Next Week’s News: Next WeekyLeaks.

Leak number one: I have in my possession 90 thousand pages of top-secret documents from oil giant BP. According to these documents, BP is about to replace CEO Tony Hayward with a startled deer. Effective immediately, Bucky the red deer will take the helm at BP, becoming the first woodland creature ever to run a multinational corporation. According to these leaked documents, in his first dry run of a press conference, Bucky appeared frightened by the TV lights, kicked over the podium and pranced down the hall. But in the words of one BP board member, “He still did better than Tony.”

Leak number two: Just this morning, I acquired on eBay 90 thousand pages of Arizona governor Jan Brewer’s innermost ramblings. According to these documents, Governor Brewer plans to defy a federal judge’s ruling by blocking all illegal immigrants on Facebook.

And finally, the leak that’s going to rock your world: I am in receipt of 90 thousand pages of top-secret wedding plans from Chelsea Clinton’s wedding planner. Bombshell: Al Gore is not invited, but he’s planning to get a hotel room anyway.

That will do it for Next WeekyLeaks. And if you’re watching right now, WikiLeaks, I’m throwing down the gauntlet: I hereby challenge you to a leaking contest.

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  • Sally

    Hilarious – the highpoint of the show.

  • Rebecca

    Through the last few months I have discovered Andy Borowitz and his great comedic style. I have seen him make fun of Republicans and Democrats alike. He has always been fair and for the most part, clean in his jokes. It would be a shame to see him let go.

  • PirateWench

    Brilliant Andy! Just Brilliant! I so enjoy your tweets, your PBS contributions and your HuffPo stuff. Keep it up!

  • Emily

    Enjoy your work! Brilliant stuff!

  • Mikey

    Andy Borowitz is great!

  • Sandra

    SO funny! In a world full of satire wannabes and knockoffs, you stand out. Always love your stuff, on Twitter, too. Thank you!

  • Andisheh Nouraee

    Borowitz is fantastic. Thank you WNET/PBS for giving him a teevee outlet.

    And for those who aren’t already followers, Borowitz is the Master of Twitter.

    Not an actual title, but he’s just overwhelmingly great at it.

  • Becky Draper

    Andy is the reason I watch. And donate.

  • jmundstuk

    I’m a big fan.

  • Henry Halff

    Borowitz! Borowitz! Borowitz! Yes!

  • Nick Shein

    Love, love, love Andy Borowitz. He makes me laugh out loud multiple times a day; makes me snort unflatteringly at least once per day; and every week or so I actually spit coffee onto my monitor. That bastard owes me some ShamWows, for sure.

  • Book Editor Patty

    Andy Borowitz is always the smartest, funniest, most clever person commenting on the day’s events. I want to do a book with him!

  • Jane Rittenhouse

    Satire is good. Humor is fun. Keep it up Borowitz/PBS.

  • john morrow (morrowland)

    I absolutely thrive on Andy Borowitz’ humor, insight, wit, and wisdom. I hope that WNET understands how many others like me follow Andy’s every move on Twitter, and spread the good humor he imbeds into his political satire.

  • Kara

    As far as I am concerned, Andy’s contributions are all I really Need to Know.

  • DreamyAJ

    Andy, I love your twisted take on the news.

  • Joan

    No bombshell tonight! Andy is just as funny as always!

  • Christie

    If you’re offended by Andy B. (or anyone on television), then change the channel. There’s no channel-changing fee!
    Let the WeekyLeaking contest begin!

  • Kimberly Costello

    Andy Borowitz is one of the funniest, smartest, most clever, writers working today. I pity those who don’t get the jokes. And I mean “pity” in the, too-bad-you’re-not-bright-enough-to-enjoy-intelligent-well-crafted-material kinda way. For the rest of us, so happy you didn’t back down, Andy. booyah.

  • Sandra N.

    Andy, my ex hubby named his cat after you – that’s how great you are! Keep on WeekyLeaking!

  • D. Barker

    Thank you. It sure feels good to laugh!

  • James Williams

    I watch PBS because I can count on smart commentary and an even handed approach to the news. While listening to Any’s Wikileaks editorial I thought I was accidentally tuned into Fox. It was apparent that he was only reflecting on early news releases. If he would have done his research he wouldn’t have been so glib about the exposure of Afghan informants whose live’s are now in danger. Shame on you! You’re just another dittohead.

  • Margo Cameron

    Borowitz is a true wit. Could he please have more air time?

  • Mr. Minimac

    While Need to Know still seems to be searching for it’s mojo, the one sure thing every week is Andy B.’s segment. Hope that you keep riling people up Andy!

  • a avrashow

    I support Andy’s creative thought-provoking take on politics and world events. Palin is a public figure and our Freedom of Speech (such as my statement “I think she is an idiot”) is one of our cherished freedoms. If she becomes President (she’s planning how to avoid any unscripted questions from the mainstream media, but will be interviewed regularly by the hosts of FoxNews), Andy (and I) will need to be cautious. Until then, let the comments continue!

  • ami kim

    I look forward to reading/watching Andy Borowitz’s take on current events for a regular chuckle. We need more quirky and timely voices to be broadcast – and having more humor on public TV is a big plus!

  • J. Roz

    So glad PBS didn’t cave- Andy’s humor keeps everything in perspective.

  • J. Platt

    Hilarious, I love Andy’s perspective. PBS is fortunate to have him!

  • Karen S

    Andy Borowitz is one of the funniest and timeliest commentators we have. Many a day, he makes my day! Thanks for featuring him, PBS!

  • Albert kunze

    BOROWITZ IS SO awesome!!!

  • Amy

    Love reading you tweets. They keep me informed and amused at the same time.

  • Nancy Gallagher

    I didn’t know PBS even considered letting Andy Borowitz go. Why? Because of something Sarah Palin said? Why would she be so influential? She doesn’t hold any office. Andy Borowitz is a satirist, and his writing is damn funny. PBS–and we–are lucky to have him.

  • EHA

    Love Andy’s tweets – he’s the only twit I’ve set to alert my phone with each tweet. Makes my day! and keeps me current on the news too. Genius. Couldn’t live without him.

  • Alex

    Andy Borowitz is the second best thing on PBS to BBC World News.

  • Lorna Singh

    Andy Borowitz is one of the smartest and funniest people on TV and twitter.We need his insight and wit.

  • Bettina

    Andy, you are a brilliant genius! You make me laugh so much and that’s one of the best gifts a human can give. Don’t stop, please! And THANK YOU PBS for being smart enough to hire Andy :o )

  • Jake Spencer

    Love Andy Borowitz. Really livens the lineup on pbs.

  • Olive Lohrengel

    I’ve missed some of the fun by putting off watching the new kid on the block. Andy Borowitz is too much. NTK turned out to be better than I expected, but I certainly never expected anything so amusing as Andy’s humor. I may even have to sign up for Twitter so I can catch his twits. I’ve watched another Andy on a commercial station for many years. I think Andy Borowitz has him beat. On with NextWeeklyLeaks.

  • Shari

    Duh magazine. Love it. Keep up the good work, Andy.

  • Rafael

    Just brilliant! This guy’s fantastic

  • Kosuri

    Andy Borowitz is the best. I stand by him.

  • Phillip Corona

    Sarah Palin’s mangling of the English language might appear precocious if it was coming from an eight year old kid. Her penchant for malapropisms may just be a deliberate orchestration intended to endear her to the ‘jes folks. Or else, a vocabulary beyond grunts, squeals, hoots and poops may be bigger than she knows how to use. Regardless, she’s obviously a glib, high-heeled narcissist with aspirations for the grandest boardwalk in the nation.
    Andy Borowitz is a class act. Please don’t throw him in front of the bus for tastefully pointing out that hick’s illiteracy.

  • Barbara M. Palmer

    Andy, you comments bring about sanity in our discourse. Thank you.

  • Steve Stockdale

    Sorry, Andy, but compared to last week’s next week’s new, this week’s was … weak.

  • George

    Borowitz, witty as always. I get his humor emails and his Tweets. Smart and funny as heck, and he suffers no fools. Keep it up, Andy.

  • Carole

    I love your work and your satire. We are all so lucky to be able to sample your many comedic talents. Kudos to “Need To Know” for “knowing” how brilliant you are.

  • Jessica Sundheim

    You possess such wit! “Deer in headlights,” “Al Gore’s not invited” and so much more! You have kept me laughing during one of the toughest years of my life, Mr. Borowitz. Your post about Balloon Boy’s parents was one of the funniest I’ve ever read and I have followed every one of your posts since. You are the only reason I have watched this PBS program. In a world where so much of the “news” that is offered is nothing more than over emotional, fear mongering, rant, it is so nice to have a good laugh at ourselves! Unfortunately for some, humor contains grains of truth, and in culmination with the inability to get over ourselves, the truth can be hard to take. I am thrilled that PBS can be a place where humorous truths about all kinds of people are allowed to air, and I am glad that you are the man to do it!!! Well done PBS!

  • Debbie Donushi

    As far as I am concerned, news isn’t news until Andy comments on it!! Thanks you, PBS, for proudly presenting Andy and his smart, topical humor. We all need to laugh,… now…more than ever!! What we also need now is Andy’s face on a tote bag!! :) :):)

  • D.Smith

    I love Andy Borowitz..I donate to and am a big fan of PBS. Adding Andy to the line up makes it even better. His comedy always is a reality check :)

  • janis

    spent all day arguing on your behalf on huffpost. thanks for being smart and funny. apparently it ain’t too easy.

  • Daisy Mae Simon

    Thank goodness during this very bleak time in our nation’s history, that Andy Borowitz offers some humor, wit and intelligence, always funny but with a point- above all, hopefully making people THINK!

  • Cheryl

    I’ve been an Andy fan for years–really look forward to seeing his “Next Week’s News” segment on NTK each week–thanks, PBS, for keeping Andy onboard!!!!

  • EB Carrier

    I have been reading Andy every day for years. I find him outrageous, politically incorrect and occasionally profane. I will give him five years – and no more – to clean up his act. This is his final warning.

  • Ivan Soto

    I know of no one so intimately connected to pop culture, general culture and current events as is Andy. That’s why those who really want to understand what’s going on just pick out his image and his voice from the confusing muddle and cacophony of our times.

  • Angie

    I love Andy’s commentary. It is hilarious!! He is great at exposing the stupidity we all see every day.

  • scoobydo

    Your stuff is funny, keep up the great work

  • Marianne O’Hare

    You had me at “fictionary”. Actually, you had me long before that. I dream of the day when you will find the time to drop me back a line. Meantime, I’ll work real hard studying my Palinese so you’ll be proud of me. And keep wiping away the tears of laughter streaming down my face after rerunning your PBS commentary. Please don’t ever refudiate me, Andy.

  • Pete

    Andy’s segments encourage me to the PBS website and I take a look over the site and see what else is around at the time I visit him here. Thanks for giving him a home!

  • Cathy Miller

    Wonderful job on Need to Know, again! It’s great getting to experience this world class comedian on PBS!

  • Mike D

    Very funny. I agree wholeheartedly!

  • Di Ro

    Last nights Need To Know was A+. For the most part, a welcome addition to TV viewing. While I understand that most seem to like the Andy Borowitz segments, it seems so far below the standards of PBS that I also pay for. Yes, I turned him off after the first chuckle from Allison but it seems like there’s more than enough of that on MSM to satisfy the lovers of political satire. Must PBS also fall prey to the somewhat sick mentality that passes as a joke.

  • Stephen Krashen

    Response to Di Rio: IMHO Andy Borowitz is one of the most insightful and important political observers of all time.

  • Stacy

    Andy’s PBS segment is a dream come true for a long-time fan living in the Midwest. I realize some do not understand political satire and prefer to get their news via Serious Suppository, but Andy sure knows how to take the edge off. In fact, I’ve replaced the vodka tonic I usually drink with my news with Andy Borowitz. Good choice!

  • Jean

    I’ve been reading The Borowitz Report for years now, and I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve read him at work and laughed out loud when I was supposed to be doing something really boring and given myself away. Nice to see him on television.

  • steve

    As always, great stuff. Love the deer in the headlights metaphor.

  • linda

    being from az (sorry) I really liked the jan brewer joke. now, if only it WAS a joke.
    andy,PBS..keep it up!

  • Linda

    I love Andy Borowitz. He appears to be serious, yet he has a wittiness, that makes me laugh; which is rare for me. I am glad I watched “Need to Know”.

  • PJ95811

    Keep him on the show — he’s cute & funny! (And a nice Jewish boy!)

  • Steve R.

    This is the best part of the show, Andy’s hilarious.

  • Kim H

    Borowitz is brilliant! We need more like him.

  • Celia Harrison

    Borowitz is the only part fo the show I watch. The rest of it needs to be replaced.

  • esme gregson

    Andy is positively hilarious. I only wish I were half as clever as he is, alas, I’m much closer to the Palin-end of the intellectual spectrum than I am to Borowitz’s IQ territory. But, I certainly can feel extra smart when I get (most of) his jokes! thanks, PBS! you guys rule!

  • Selena

    Love Borowitz’s humor, but tone down the left wing offensive lectures. Let’s try some netural journalism! Or attack other leftists, too!

  • kathleen cobb

    Hoping to top the 647 comments left on last week’s Next Week’s News….posted it to my F/B profile-unfortunately I only have 32 friends, :p….thanks for the entertainment, loyal Canadian viewer up in snowy Ontario. Lol!

  • Sam Moch

    Borowitz is pretty much the only reason I have a Twitter account. Quite simply, he makes life better.

  • Cheryl in Tacoma

    Andy is da bomb! Always funny, always on top of things. Don’t let a bunch of sore losers spoil a good thing!

  • Terry Wheeler

    I have to admit the jury is still out on Andy Borowitz… as political satire is really tough and can simply be mean spirited!

    Guys like Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert are masters at the unique art and although Stewart lets his teeth show on occasion, Colbert can call conservative extremists a bunch of idiots and they actually like it… the guy is a genius!

    Bill Mahre and Joy Behar on the other hand… or just bitter political hacks, who don’t even pretend to have any talent at this point and when they push too far and get caught hanging out there… pull out the “satire card” and slam it on the table, with a big Cheshire Cat grin and return to the con!

    Where does Andy Borowitz fit? Somewhere above the very tired, decidedly unfunny, “fundits”, as they like to call themselves (and remember I left out the psychopathic self-destructive non-comical Rosie O’Donnell), but not even close to Prime Time!

    He certainly has a good following according to this response, but I would have to see more than some of the cheap shots I have seen, clever or not! As a Vietnam veteran in an MI unit, I don’t think Mr Borowitz probably requires himself to look at the dark side of the Wikileak documents and I would not hold him or his art accountable for any lives lost… that falls squarely on the shoulders of Manning et al and I hope that the kid serves a life sentence for the murders that will surely follow or at least 25 to life for attempted murder, but lets not hold a satirist accountable for those lives, insensitivity maybe, but not responsible!

    I have not heard him but about three times and quite frankly, the obvious Liberal slant doesn’t bother me, what bothers me is he has to be more than laugh track funny to get his art-craft higher than LI PBS… he certainly has a shot… no doubt… and I hope to see if he can come up with some satire about Obama, Pelosi, Reid… or will he be “stuck on stupid”!? ;-)

  • Kent Connell

    Andy Borowitz is the funniest man in America. Love his segment.

  • Dr. S

    Why not let a class of 5th graders have a contest to write this segment. The level of humor would remain the same and, at least, we wouldn’t feel sorry for its author.

  • Freda Johannsen

    Wonderful stuff! We look forward every Friday night to this segment. His satirical worldview is a welcome relief to the media assault we deal with the rest of the week. I particularly liked his news about the startled deer – makes sense to me!

  • tom t

    Great stuff. Keep it coming!

  • NZmoores

    I like this guy. Give him more air time. And money. Women, too. In fact, go ahead and make him a senator.

  • Tom

    You rock Andy Borowitz.

  • Jordan

    I read Andy every week on this site. The joke about Al Gore was one of his all-time best, but the rest was somewhere below chuckle-worthy as usual when you compare it to actual humor. Or, for that matter, Andy’s own tweets. C-

  • Jim Tarnoff

    Wonderful stuff! Really made me laugh. Why not give this guy more time?

  • L. Lundquist

    Borowitz is sophmoric. For a show that was touted as a successor to Bill Moyer’s “NOW,” this is very disappointing. If Borowitz is trying to be some sort of PBS answer to Jon Stewart, it’s a flop. After the show tries to present some investigative journalism, the segment at the end just feels like flushing everything down the toilet. And it’s only made worse by having to listen to Allison giggle inanely during his entire “monologue.”