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Next week’s news: WeekyLeaks edition

The big news this week was the top-secret Afghan war documents leaked by WikiLeaks.

The bombshell revelation? The war in Afghanistan isn’t going very well.

Good for you, WikiLeaks. But my question for you is: How exactly does that qualify as a leak? I mean, technically, doesn’t a leak have to be something we haven’t already known for, like, nine years? In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ve read this news before — in “Duh” magazine.

Come on, WikiLeaks! You can leak better than that. In fact, I can. That’s why this week I’m introducing a new feature here at Next Week’s News: Next WeekyLeaks.

Leak number one: I have in my possession 90 thousand pages of top-secret documents from oil giant BP. According to these documents, BP is about to replace CEO Tony Hayward with a startled deer. Effective immediately, Bucky the red deer will take the helm at BP, becoming the first woodland creature ever to run a multinational corporation. According to these leaked documents, in his first dry run of a press conference, Bucky appeared frightened by the TV lights, kicked over the podium and pranced down the hall. But in the words of one BP board member, “He still did better than Tony.”

Leak number two: Just this morning, I acquired on eBay 90 thousand pages of Arizona governor Jan Brewer’s innermost ramblings. According to these documents, Governor Brewer plans to defy a federal judge’s ruling by blocking all illegal immigrants on Facebook.

And finally, the leak that’s going to rock your world: I am in receipt of 90 thousand pages of top-secret wedding plans from Chelsea Clinton’s wedding planner. Bombshell: Al Gore is not invited, but he’s planning to get a hotel room anyway.

That will do it for Next WeekyLeaks. And if you’re watching right now, WikiLeaks, I’m throwing down the gauntlet: I hereby challenge you to a leaking contest.

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