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Next week’s news: Inflatable slide edition

Workplace stress.  It’s all around us.  You know the symptoms: impatience, short temper, a little voice telling you to grab two beers and cuss out everyone on the plane.

MORE: Next week’s news

For years, experts have tried to solve the problem of stress on the job, and now, at last, that solution is at hand.  Starting next week, every workplace in the U.S. will be required by law to be fitted with an inflatable slide. According to the Department of Labor, the inflatable slide will improve workers’ outlook by enabling them to quit as quickly and dramatically as possible.

The inflatable slide could be the greatest innovation in quitting since the phrase, “spending more time with my family.”  It’s just too bad that nobody thought of it sooner.  Then we wouldn’t have been subjected to so many excruciating resignation speeches this summer. Take the president’s economic advisers, Peter Orszag and Christina Romer, or Lebron James, or BP CEO Tony Hayward.

Now, at the beginning of this segment, I said that workplace stress was all around us. That’s true even here at PBS.

You probably think Alison, Jon and I spend all day holding hands, eating flax seed and watching old Peter, Paul & Mary concerts. Nothing could be further from the truth. This place is a freaking pressure cooker. Anyone who works at PBS could go off at any moment — the guy on “Antiques Roadshow” who appraises the clocks, Ken Burns’ banjo player, cookie monster — they’re all ticking time-bombs.

And yes, even me. Even Andy Borowitz. You don’t know the toll it’s taken on me to try to squeeze a week’s worth of predictions into a two-minute segment. Week in, week out. I’m not going to sugarcoat it, folks: it’s been hell.

There’s only one way to respond to that kind of stress.

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  • Alexa Kalish

    This was extremely funny – what a perfect ending to a crazy week.

  • Catherine

    Hilarious. I think more people would quit on the job if there was beer and an inflatable slide.

  • Susie Fowkes

    Andy Borowitz is the finest thing to happen to fake news since Jon Stewart took over The Daily Show and I’m so sorry to see him go. I’m drying my tears with the latest issue of Newsweek, for which I paid more than $1. I plan on invading the next 6-year-old’s birthday party I see that offers an inflatable slide to mark his bail out of PBS.

  • kejia

    Andy, don’t leave us, please. We’ll never bang you on the head with a luggage bin again!

  • Phillip Corona

    Remember Andy, you are in your element at PBS. You live for the pressure cooker there. You thrive on it. Stress knows it too. It’s your jungle and stress there is the hunted. Please come back to us.

  • Jessica

    I hope on the next episode that you ride in on Trolley, fresh from the Land of Make Believe because you can’t really be quitting!

  • Karen

    Andy funny.

  • Greg

    I’ll be looking forward to my slide and my two beer exit next week.

  • Bev

    Andy! Don’t leave us!!

  • Ivan Soto

    I don’t mean to add to the pressure, but Andy IS the greatest!

  • Adriane Hill

    Workers of the world unite! Workplace slides for all! Andy, you’re the only reason I watch/record Need2Know! (Don’t u dare “take the slide” lol.)

  • Debbie Donushi

    Andy, we hardly knew ye! Please come back to us. I am embarrassed to say I didn’t realize what a stressful place PBS has become. I mean, the constant pledge drives…the 20 minute commercials for financial support. PBS can lay the guilt on pretty good. I only wanted to take a peek at Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot…now I am responsible for providing award winning programs to the community?? OK, OK…I’ll donate already…(Now, where’s that slide??) Love ya Andy!!! :)

  • ❤ Cyndi

    Well done Andy…….you’re always the best

  • Jim

    Andy, your best and funniest yet. Good use of visuals, and connection to current events, nice ending. Finally, you’re hitting your stride by focusing on ONE THEME instead of reeling off a bunch of disconnected one-liners. This is where you’re best — you know it from your own satire. Please keep this level of funny, and do less humor that is just “cute” and too often scattered.

  • Steveo

    Hilarious! This is probably the only thing worth watching on any television channel!

  • Lorraine

    sorry I never go to see it. I am a fan.