Next Week’s News with Andy Borowitz

Here at PBS, we like to stay on top of the hottest high-tech gadgets, from desktop computers to cellular phones to the latest Sony Walkman with auto-reverse.

Well, there’s a boatload of new gizmos coming on the market next week, and as the kids say, they’re going to rock your world.

Check this out: Do you have a neighbor who likes to come over and bore you to tears about the new deck he’s adding to his house?  Then you’ll want one of these: the personal “containment dome,” from Stifle-Ex™.

The first containment dome for home use, this soundproof big-boy drops from the ceiling and, just like that, say goodbye to tedium!

Now, let’s say you’re a Republican senator and you want to trash the president’s latest judicial appointee, but you don’t know anything about her record.  Well, good news: there’s an app for that! Thanks to this new iPhone app, the iObject, you can generate negative rhetoric in nanoseconds — no facts required!

Have you noticed that when you make presentations at work, you don’t seem to grab the attention of the younger people in the room? Well, you may want to try the Powerpoint Auto-Tune. It gives you that hip, cool robot voice that kids these days totally dig.  Check it out.

And finally, something for you parents out there.  If you’ve got kids like I do, that means one thing: excruciating 3-D chipmunk movies.  You know what I’m talking about. I don’t know about you, but nothing freaks me out like the sight of chipmunks flying off the screen towards my head.

But thanks to these 2-D Neutralizer specs, you can tolerate the next “Squeakquel” in soothing 2-D.  Sweet!

Well, that’s all we have time for.  Until next week, this has been “Next Week’s News.”

 

Comments

  • Alice Klein

    I want the personal containment dome! Very, very funny and silly (in a good way).

  • Erin

    I think the PowerPoint w/autotune would add that extra spark of awesome to those tedious faculty meetings…

  • Bettina

    Really made me laugh. Perfect ending to the show. 2-D goggles are a good look for him.

  • Mario Romer

    LOL! I can’t wait for the iObject to come out! It’s the best addition by far! xD

  • Jo

    Thanks a bunch! You guys who have commented ahead of me are NO help at all! I was trying to decide which was my fave… and you each picked a different one, so there was nothing to sway me in one direction or another. Yo, Andy! Got an App for *THAT*?

  • Wendy

    I’m gonna download iobject!!! Andy Borowitz keeps me sane. Thanks, PBS, for hiring him.

  • Cyndi

    Andy presents the freshest approach to news…..I look forward to every show! Thanks Andy – you rock my world ;-)

  • Debbie Donushi

    With all due respect to the esteemed “Jay to the Meach”…Andy’s 2 minutes are chock full of chuckles! We time travel from the Sony Walkman to “No Facts Required” apps (emphasis on “NO”)…to a world where boring sales meetings come alive with Autotune…(brilliant! I got all jiggy with it!)…and scurry by the 2D Squeakqual!! So much creativity in this “Tech Edition”…thank you, Andy!! You are amazing. With so much bad news these days, you leave us laughing with your humorous take on our common, frustrating experience called ‘life’. Thank you, PBS…for sharing Andy with us…we need his humor now more than ever! :)

  • Owl Woman

    Dang it Andy, not nice to make an ol lady laugh so hard she gets incontinent! You always got that different way of looking at stuff that makes ya laugh, and think, both. Used to have a husband like that, but God rest him, he died. Damn him. lol

  • lisa Klausner

    The whole show was great, and finishing w/Andy is a brilliant finish.

  • nabil

    I love the Autotune.PPt !!!

  • Kathy

    I love Andy B. He does great satire; guaranteed to be right-on and very funny.

  • Jose Nieto

    Very funny, the type of black humor that I enjoy, he is as funny as in his columns.At the same time he touches a nerve of what is going in our society.

  • witster

    Having been a long time subscriber to Andy’s hilarious blog, this is a great addition to the Borowitz arsenal. Autotune Powerpoint is an awesome new invention – say goodbye to presentation generated boredom disorder (PGBD).

  • Jim Tarrant

    I’m a long time subscriber to Borowitz’s newsletter too. This is the first one I’ve seen of the “Next Week’s News” and so I will withhold final judgment. It’s good but, again, based on just this episode, which may not be representative, it’s a bit “safe” and more on the cute side. I don’t need to tell him how to do his business but the two directions to make this bit stand out a bit more are to be more bitingly satirical in a socio-political way (e.g. Jon Stewart/Steven Colbert/Bill Maher) or go zany/deep political (Monty Python/The Comic Strip) or some combination thereof. Anyway, good start.

  • voltaire free

    RE: Poll: Rand Paul Surges Ahead of Palin Among Voters Who Describe Themselves as Morons

    I wonder if Andy actually means Gentiles when he says morons?

  • Chuck Kohls

    Al hail the antithesis of the party of NO! Do you have a release date yet for autotune PPT?

  • Linda Compton

    When will the photos of Rand Paul in a star spangled Speedo carrying a jug of Kentucky moonshine and a Klan hood begin to appear?

  • Eva V. Baine

    Could you find some app for a little peace and quiet?
    Please!
    Love your stuff!

  • Ray Dombrowe

    No Friday is complete till I watch your always timely and funny comments.

  • http://e-shoppingonline.info/andy-borowitz-hosts-pbs-next-weeks-news-special-tech-edition/deals/ Andy Borowitz Hosts PBS’ ‘Next Week’s News’: Special Tech Edition! | Online Shopping

    [...] blogger and satirist Andy Borowitz hosts a PBS show called "Next Week's News" that peers into the future of the upcoming week. This episode is a special tech edition that's [...]

  • sftramp

    How about a containment dome for moronic Republican senators???

  • http://www.usmessageboard.com/tea-party/118181-poll-rand-paul-surges-ahead-of-palin-among-voters.html#post2333825 Poll: Rand Paul Surges Ahead of Palin Among Voters, – US Message Board – Political Discussion Forum

    [...] [...]

  • Bella Silverstein

    Being a hi-tech genius, it took me two weeks to find a way to share this on Facebook. Ya didn’t mention I’d have to actually scroll down! Maybe, in the future, you could list the social networking sites by… oh, say, popularity, instead of, say, the skill-set that’s so incredibly compelling and well-respected in the Web community, spelling.
    Ciao, Bella

  • Ken Forst

    “But thanks to these 2-D Neutralizer specs, you can tolerate the next “Squeakquel” in soothing 2-D. Sweet!”
    I’m going to hold off getting these until they come out with a “KOLOR and AUDIO KILLER” option.
    By the way, Andy- thanks for losing the suit. That’s much better.

  • joe miller

    Very slick and humorous; yet strikes a chord of reality. I would like to see the blog on Rand Paul and Sarah Palin on PBS. Could be more biting like the blogs. For example, a containment dome for Glenn Beck. How would he look inside of one? Would require more graphics support.

  • Greylady3

    I want the Containment Dome, for those long boring meetings we all attend. That way I could knit more complicated patterns during the meetings without being distracted and making mistakes.

  • Fasten Bulbous

    Thanks Andy. You rock almost as well as my pal Frank Zappa did (before he died, dang him!)

  • Dax

    Nothing changes with your comedy. You’ll always be obnoxious. Suggestion, study Father Ted and learn from him. Until then, enjoy amusing the easily amused.

  • Halle

    If only the Powerpoint Autotuner existed. Borowitz rules!!

  • jamsie

    Andy Borowitz always makes me laugh. If you ever have the chance to see him in person, do so. You will not regret it.

  • Mr Pallin

    Ha

    saRah are n’t not dum . wat wuz teh qushun

  • Michael Fitzpatrick

    I could really do without this segment. It is silly. I don’t find it humorous at all.

  • Francine Wilson

    What a breath of fresh air Andy Borowitz is. He is so delightful on Need to Know – wonderfully funny and sharp.

  • FRED WINSTON

    How much of my donations to PBS go towards this Borowitz’ salary?
    He is NOT in the least bit funny as many above agree. My monthly donations terminate as soon as he is terminated. Tell me how much he makes for his unfunny spot.

  • Darcy Holland

    Andy Borowitz is a national treasure. My entire family (including my 93-year-old mother) adore him. Thank you, PBS, for including his inspired segment. We all need the laughter.

  • Lanny

    The autotuner thing really had me laughing out loud! Finally, a reason to watch PBS.

  • Gertie Johnstone

    Genius! Very funny stuff.

  • Jon Halloran

    Simply wonderful – but why only two minutes long? Not enough Borowitz. Give him more time, PBS!

  • Fire them all

    Actually every BLOW hard in Congress could be fitted with a Speedo and sunk down to BLOW , and BLOW into the Pipe… with so much Putrid air coming out of Congress and the WH I bet that the OIL will Retreat in to the Bowls of the Earth permanantly! Some can go on the border and Blow them all back to Calderon!

  • Ko Ko Bop

    I can’t even view this clip on my Android mobile, but I am cracking up!
    @Linda Compton-ahahahahahaa! Funny mental picture.
    @Jim Tarrant-well thought-out, great ideas coming from your brain, I’d like to see a Python/Stewart thing, what would THAT look like? Not Andy, unless he wants to sell out & buy into an “image” box. But I’d like to see it tried by someone else!
    @Fred-droll!
    I haven’t had this much fun reading Comments in a long time! There are so many intelligent, funny people in this world. This Net world. I want a containment dome that’s inclusive-so I can have friends & family who don’t bore me in there with me.
    And lord yes, them chipmunks were scary enough when I was a kid in the 60s-I am SO glad to be missing out on taking my boys to see THAT. But glorious idea for parents of 2s & 3s..& 4s maybe 5s-!
    Andy has been a coment to Mother Jones and I think its great he got picked up by PBS! Way to go, Public Television.
    And thanks also, fellow commenters, for a great read at lunch!

  • Ko Ko BopAgain

    Anti-moronic vain gesture: “complement” not “coment” to Mother Jones!
    (With complete disregard for someone’s earlier statement regarding “morons”)
    :I

  • Bob Keiningham

    Andy’s childish, boorish, and simplistic nonsense plays well with the borderline bi-polar crowd but falls far short of anything remotely useful to we who work to keep this great nation functioning, but then children have always laughed and played while the adults worked to keep it that way.

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