Next Week’s News with Andy Borowitz

This edition of Next Week’s News is all about money.

But what does a clown like Andy Borowitz know about money?  After all, he works for PBS — a network that spends most of its waking hours begging, a network whose idea of high finance is a show where people ask how much they could get for junk in their attic. Where we come from, that’s called a “pawn shop.”

So we don’t blame you for being skeptical of Borowitz as a financial adviser. But on the plus side, at least he’s on his meds.

Let’s take a look at Next Week’s money.

In the space of an hour, the Dow Jones Industrial average will plunge a thousand points and soar a thousand points, only to plunge again.  After a lengthy investigation, the SEC will blame “the big computer machine that makes the up-and-down line-thingy.”

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein will deny rumors that Goldman was behind the stock market’s wild gyrations. He will also deny rumors that he is actually Superman’s arch-nemesis, Lex Luthor.

The euro will cease to exist as the primary currency of Europe.  On the positive side, it will still be accepted for use in the popular board game “Le Monopoly.”

More bad news for the housing market: Sales of existing homes will plummet as homeowners are unable to get their recently graduated children to move out.

And finally, some good news from the energy sector: Experts will finally find a solution to the oil leak in the Gulf.  They’ll plug the leak with BP executives.  And on that subject, a thought for next week: You know who’s been strangely silent about the leak?  Joe the plumber.

And that’ll do it for this money edition of Next Week’s News.

 

Comments

  • Michelle

    HA! nice job andy. as always.

  • CreoleInDC

    Please let’s not call Joe the plumber out of the woodwork! PLEASE!

    Signed,
    One of Andy’s Lovelies!

  • Donald Lavin

    Now this was very funny. Especially the BP thing, an idea whose time has most certainly come.

  • jill

    Thanks, Andy! Always appreciate your incisive humor!

  • Theresa ~ QuietNoise

    Mr. Borowitz you always make me laugh! I like you on Facebook and follow you on Twitter. I will be sure to tune in to watch “Need to Know” too. You are a delight :-)

  • robin

    awesome. love you andy!

  • Cyndi

    This is the best money report I’ve ever read.

  • Nell Minow

    Put me down for le hotel on le Boardwalk. Great stuff.

  • Debby

    I love Mr. Borowitz’s humor.

  • Mary K

    Love Andy’s witty thoughts on issues of the day!

  • MsDuctTape

    Andy, you are the perfect guy to talk about money! We need humor to listen to some of the money news today. You rock!

  • Owlie

    I don’t think you’re any worse a financial adviser than the current clowns, and at least you are funny. They ain’t.

  • Mark

    Thanks Andy! You are forever good for a chuckle!

  • Lynda S.

    This stuff is seriously funny.

  • Libby Le

    Can’t get enough of Andy — so witty and hilarious!

  • Sharon S.

    Funny on purpose, anyway… ;)

  • Holly

    Go Andy!

  • Farley

    It’s nice to see some comedy on PBS. Even nicer to see one of our greatest comedians. Not so nice that he’s on so briefly. Why not an entire next week’s news show?

  • Yep

    Always a pleasure… mine. :-)

  • @therealchadhall

    Andy truly is the best. He proves that PBS has perhaps the most worthwhile programming. Unfortunately Americans don’t want quality, they want what is easily digestible & readily disposable.

  • Voyeurdug

    Andy’s part – that is, his portion on this program – should be expanded.

  • Maeve

    I especially liked the computer thingy that made the line go up and down. Pretty much the way I understand the stock market. I have no clue about what my IRA company is trying to say in the huge book they send me once a year. I just look at the statement; it’s either up or down. Recently down. Pretty much all I need to know. Not going to be retiring in December at 65, or next December at 66.

  • Pam

    That is too funny – I love the Lex Luther bit :)
    Love, love, love your new show Andy!!! Looking forward to many more!

  • balloonloon

    Side splitting stuff. Keep it coming Andy!

  • dewdane

    Well done.

  • Rita

    So happy I found your site! Thanks for all these heartfelt laughs.

  • Resti

    pretty funny.

  • Leigh

    Great Job! Keep it up forever!

  • Marina

    Fabulous! It is nice to see the forum & format changed … news as usual has gotten so boring – the public is turning out television and turning to blogs & the internet — making TV as a news source obsolete.

    Great job, Andy!

  • Phyllis

    Love you, Andy!!!

  • Cindy G

    I don’t always get the tv turned on for the start of Need to Know, but you can be SURE I am watching by the end for Andy Borowitz – always funny.

  • Ruth Anne

    LMAO – Andy, you manage to make the unbearable, unbearably funny – THANK YOU!!!

  • Gary

    Keep up the good work Andy. I was behind you one period in Mr. Mackeighan’s french class at SHHS.

  • Susan

    love this show, started watching it because of you, Andy and now I dvr every episode

  • Akhila

    Hah Hah Hah! Very well said, Andy! Looking forward to more such “insights” ;) !

  • LivingInColorado

    Right on, Andy! Thanks for the outta sight insights!

  • phil me in

    Top Kill
    does that involve BP’s top executives?

    Andy’s lackey

  • Azzah Suhayr

    Andy Borowitz is the funniest man on the planet……the only reason I have not slit my social media wrists. :) MORE PLEASE!

  • Bobbi

    Andy Borowitz is the best part of the show. And thanks for getting him out of the suit.

  • aeshaw

    Can u update us on BPs cleanup efforts? Also would like to know about their openness with the press and candidness about the extent of damage. Andy: drinking game for Temperance members: sip whenever a BP official utters the phrase mea culpa.

  • Susan

    Can’t go too long without my Borowitz fix. Thanks PBS.

  • RUTH

    Andy-how about your own show like Mark Russell? Gotta admit, you are funny & clever besides-

  • ed

    A wonderful fresh and funny breeze. You should pardon Andy, but keep blowing…..

  • Jon Gutek

    Why do people call this “humor”? It all makes sense to me. Jon Gutek, JD/CPA

  • Kathleen O’Neill

    Your news reports are more in tune with reality than “real” news reports. Love your segment.

  • Patricia McCort

    Your PBS suit and hairdo must go. Oh alright….I love you any way your hair is combed

  • BpBlacky

    Are you saying Osama Bin Laden was not behind the Gulf oil leak? At least your financial advice doesn’t cause the greatest financial disaster since 1929 and 2008.

  • Umair

    Andy,

    you are brilliant.

  • john john

    not really very funny when compared to

    a) the facts on the ground and the suffering caused to all life forms on this planet

    or

    b) really professional jokers such as steven colbert or barack obama

  • Alan

    Gotta love the introduction to each Borowitz segment, in which sounds like he’s rattling off an exponential equation based on Meecham’s name: J^M^eeacham. Original!

  • tim

    This is funny? LMAO??Andy Rooney on 60 minutes is funny compared to this dishrag. All the gushing praise looks highly suspicious

  • Bailey Hall

    Extremely, seriously funny. Andy Borowitz should have his own half-hour show – it would be the perfect antidote, coming right after Washington Week. Get on it, PBS!

  • Diana

    Fantastic! Great to see comedy on PBS, and always a pleasure to see Andy B.

  • jimmie

    I don’t have much money, so a money show does really serve me, but I do have a huge need for humor and for that I am grateful to Andy. Rock on! Thanks PBS and Andy!

  • Menna Kuczinski

    Love this guy!

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