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Next Week’s News with Andy Borowitz

This edition of Next Week’s News is all about money.

But what does a clown like Andy Borowitz know about money?  After all, he works for PBS — a network that spends most of its waking hours begging, a network whose idea of high finance is a show where people ask how much they could get for junk in their attic. Where we come from, that’s called a “pawn shop.”

So we don’t blame you for being skeptical of Borowitz as a financial adviser. But on the plus side, at least he’s on his meds.

Let’s take a look at Next Week’s money.

In the space of an hour, the Dow Jones Industrial average will plunge a thousand points and soar a thousand points, only to plunge again.  After a lengthy investigation, the SEC will blame “the big computer machine that makes the up-and-down line-thingy.”

Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein will deny rumors that Goldman was behind the stock market’s wild gyrations. He will also deny rumors that he is actually Superman’s arch-nemesis, Lex Luthor.

The euro will cease to exist as the primary currency of Europe.  On the positive side, it will still be accepted for use in the popular board game “Le Monopoly.”

More bad news for the housing market: Sales of existing homes will plummet as homeowners are unable to get their recently graduated children to move out.

And finally, some good news from the energy sector: Experts will finally find a solution to the oil leak in the Gulf.  They’ll plug the leak with BP executives.  And on that subject, a thought for next week: You know who’s been strangely silent about the leak?  Joe the plumber.

And that’ll do it for this money edition of Next Week’s News.