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Next Week’s News with Andy Borowitz

Now, normally, the Next Week’s News segment is 90 seconds long, but PBS asked me to devote 70 of those seconds to pledge week. They originally wanted eighty seconds, but I bargained them down.

We hope you’ll continue your support of public television, which is like public radio that you can see. And to show our thanks, we’re offering you these awesome pledge week premiums.

First, we’ve got this amazing 10-DVD set, “Ken Burns’s Ken Burns.” From master storyteller Ken Burns comes the life story of Ken Burns as only Ken Burns can tell it: over the course of forty hours. Be the first person to watch it all the way to the end.

“Ken Burns found himself at home, checking his e-mail. He had gotten a message from his aunt Kathy who let him know that she had received the thank you card he sent her, expressing gratitude for the sweater vest she had gotten him for his birthday. Upon hearing this, Ken made his way downstairs to make himself a sandwich…”

And you won’t want to miss out on this: a collection of the greatest bloopers and outtakes from that PBS classic, “Masterpiece Theatre.”

“Charles Dickens penned his Masterpiece ‘Bleak House’ in 1854 … Did I say 1854?  I meant 1853!  Oh dear!  My bad!  That’s me, my bad!”

Now, here are some special premiums for you Need to Know fans out there. Go to bed in style and comfort just like Jon Meacham does with a set of authentic Jon Meacham pajamas from the “Jonathan’s Secret” collection.

And finally, the craze that’s sweeping the country: the Need to Know drinking game, deluxe home edition. Do a shot every time Alison or Jon says the phrase “Need to Know.” Whoa!  I’m already wasted!

Well, that’ll do it for our pledge week premiums. And now, as promised, that leaves me with 20 seconds for Next Week’s News. The number one story of next week: by a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court will decide that the Gores have to stay married.



  • Charlotte

    Ken Burns’ Ken Burns was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. The whole segment made me laugh. Bravo.

  • Dana

    ahhahaha ! what a breathe of fresh air….as always, thanks Andy!

  • Jim

    Andy is too funny. He is the reason is support PBS with really big contributions.

  • Karen

    ahahahaha. Andy funny. Like Andy.

  • Mary B

    Loved “Jonathan’s Secret” PJ’s!!

  • Wendy Crawford

    Found Andy on Twitter–Have tracked him down to PBS. First time here, but I plan to check it all out now, thanks, Andy.

  • kat russell


    PBS needs you. It is tooooo serious otherwise.

    Pledge drives NEED more humor. And music. Can you sing??

    That’d be funny I’m sure.

  • Marcia Benjamin

    Love him! Keep em coming!!

  • Steve_o


    The funniest sixty seconds on TV, give Andy more time!

  • Susan

    I love Andy’s humor. He always finds just the right news and comments. I’d like him to have a little more time.

  • Cyndi

    I look forward to all of Andy’s broadcasts, columns and Facebook updates……fresh humor at it’s best!

  • Diane Laison

    Andy Borowitz is great!

  • valerie miller

    Andy rocks! He is refreshing, often hysterical, more often wry and all the way around puts a very funny spin on the insanity of our times. Long live Andy! Complaints? Not enough time for Andy-ism.

  • Joel

    This being by far the funniest Andy segment yet, I think it’s time to ditch the “Next Week’s News” theme like a pair of worn training wheels and just have Andy be Andy. NTK covers culture, Andy covers culture… so it doesn’t need a NEWS angle. He’s funniest when he gets to play satirist on his own terms, not constrained by the no-longer-needed “Next Week’s News” template. Maybe call it “Neat to Know” or better, “Needless to Say”.

  • Eric

    Andy is brilliant.

  • Debbie Donushi

    Andy’s “Pledge Drive” bit was hilarious!! “Ken Burns on Ken Burns”…complete with phone message and sweater vest…was hysterical. Also, loved the “bloopers” from Masterpiece Theater. PBS…may I say, thank you for having Andy on your channel. We need his humor now, more than ever!! Props to PBS for not taking your station too seriously. And…I think Andy could really get the phones ringing on the next Pledge Drive for you guys! His tote bag jokes would kill!! :)

  • Donald W

    Sarah Whatsername from Wheresisilla, Alaska is funnier.

  • Harriet

    @Donald haha – but at least Andy’s segment is in English. Seriously funny stuff – need more Borowitz.

  • Christiaan

    Good stuff. I’ll be back.

  • Tommy Hayfield

    Andy Borowitz borrowed some conventional if not out-loudly spoken wisdom namely, there’s something amiss about the personnae of Ken Burns and Allison Stewart. I wish Andy had more air time to observe and report