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Just ask Peter Sagal: Advice for President Obama

If the Obama administration thought those on the left would have worked through their anger about the tax cut deal with the Republicans, they would be wrong.

So what’s a president to do? Peter Sagal, of NPR’s “Wait Wait … Don’t Tell Me,” is Need to Know’s resident advice columnist. And this week, he has more advice for someone who didn’t ask for it:

Dear Need to Know:

Two years ago, I was the cool kid. Everybody loved me, I drew huge crowds and was on the cover of every magazine. Now everybody hates me and wants to hear from me only if I’m willing to apologize for everything I’ve ever done.

Signed,

Feels Like It Should be the Blue House

Dear Feels:

Shut the hell up. Seriously. You know what America hates? Apologies. I know that’s what everybody says they want from you, but you have to remember, if you give in, they’ll only dislike you more. I don’t remember the last guy who had your problem apologizing for anything. And you know? People liked him more. You know what else we like? Somebody who gets hit and never seems to notice.

Hey, we actually elected that guy. So here’s what I suggest: go double or nothing.

So: You got in trouble for suggesting that maybe the government could help people get health care? This is how you respond: from now on, everybody has to get your permission to get their prescription filled. And only you can unscrew the caps on the pill bottles. Crazy? Yes. Spiteful? Of course. But Americans respect that. We want to be led by people who don’t listen to us because secretly we believe that we’re wrong. We’re not angry, we’re looking for guidance, for someone to tell us we don’t know what we’re talking about, which is what we secretly suspected the whole time.

How do I know this? Because look at us! Six years ago we elected somebody you hated, then we elected you, and now we elected guys who hate you. The American electorate oscillates so fast between completely opposite views that it vanishes to the naked eye, and can only be seen via high-speed stop-motion photography. We don’t want an apology, no matter how much we ask for one. We want to be told what we want.  And we want somebody to open our pill bottles, because I gotta tell you, this damn thing is driving me crazy.