Comedian George Wallace

The comedian discusses his Las Vegas show and explains the changes he’ll make when he becomes America’s second Black president.

Among his fellow comedians, George Wallace is known as "the guy who can roll the room over if it's dead." Early on, he knew he wanted to be a comic. After college graduation, he became a successful businessman, but never lost his interest in a comedy career. He began doing stand-up in NY and, with a natural ability to make people laugh, used every day, simple moments of life for his social commentary. Wallace starred in his own HBO special and has made regular appearances on TV and radio. He’s also appeared in several films and is a Las Vegas staple.

TRANSCRIPT

Tavis: Always pleased to welcome my friend George Wallace to this program. The talented and awfully popular comedian continues his very successful run at the Flamingo Hotel in Las Vegas, a show that I never miss when I’m in town. The show runs Tuesday through Saturdays. George Wallace, I cannot believe that you are still in Las Vegas and the new Mr. Vegas.

George Wallace: Well, the new Mr. Vegas – first of all, I’m so blessed, Tavis. I went there and we were running in the streets together back then. I went there for 30 days, 60 days, 90 days. I’m into my eighth year, and I have to thank the people of Las Vegas all the time for letting me become a part of their community.

Tavis: How do you stay in Vegas for eight years, George, as much as you move around?

Wallace: It’s really good. I have the best job in – I don’t have a job and I love doing what I do, and they pay me to do it. Going out, making people happy, makes me happier. So I just – that’s what I’m trying to teach everybody, young kids, old people – make sure you enjoy your life. That’s what it’s all about now.

Make sure you enjoy your life. Just because you have a degree in marketing doesn’t mean you’ve got to do statistical analysis the rest of your life. You might enjoy arranging flowers, painting houses, a mechanic, fixing cars.

But if it’s what you love to do, it’s the greatest thing in life. You don’t worry about the money. Like, I’m the most successful comedian you ever met. Now, I say that to say this, as Tavis Smiley would say. (Laughter) Being successful has nothing to do with how much money you make.

Tavis: That’s true.

Wallace: Being successful is being happy at what you do and enjoying what you do, and loving life. That’s where I am today.

Tavis: By that definition, I may be on stage in Vegas doing what you do in the next couple years.

Wallace: You could be. I’ve seen you do some shows, very funny.

Tavis: I love stand-up.

Wallace: I know you do, and when you come to Las Vegas you even try to participate in the show, and you get laughs, so you – (laughter) it’s a hard thing to do, but it is – you make people happy. Look at you just laughing. Why are you laughing for no reason at all? Isn’t that great? (Laughter) That’s why they call me Dr. Wallace.

Tavis: Dr. George Wallace.

Wallace: Dr. George – don’t you feel better now? Everybody at home, don’t you feel better?

Tavis: It’s therapeutic.

Wallace: It’s therapeutic. Don’t you feel better now that you’re talking to me? I guarantee you you feel better when you finish talking to me than you do when you leave the doctor’s office. That’s all I can guarantee. (Laughter) And you don’t have to pay $175 to visit. Well, you’ve got to pay $100, but – (laughter) but you don’t have to – but it is good. Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Tavis: Do you recall the first time you got a really big laugh on stage?

Wallace: Oh, the first time I got a really big laugh on stage?

Tavis: Yeah, like when did you know that when you got on stage, I can do this, people think my stuff is funny?

Wallace: No, no, no, no, no. I’ve been knowing that since I was a kid, since I was a kid, and I wanted to be a comedian since I was six years old. I’d tell people, being a jokester all that time, I’d tell people I wanted to be a comedian before I even came out of my mama’s womb.

I’ll never forget when the doctor said (knocking), “Five minutes, Mr. Wallace.” (Laughter) (makes noise)

Tavis: Five minutes, you’re on.

Wallace: But I’ve been telling jokes since I was in grade school because of people like Red Skelton – that’s why I’m in the business. Red Skelton, Red Buttons, Redd Foxx, Pinkie Lee – all people of color, all people of color. That’s what I’ve been doing. I would take their jokes; I would hear them on TV.

That was supposed to be a joke, “people of color,” Redd Foxx.

Tavis: Yeah, I got it. (Laughter)

Wallace: What’d you say? That was the first people I ever got – (laughter). But I used to take Milton Berle, Moms Mabley, a lot of people don’t know her, and Judge Pigmeat Markham. Judge Pigmeat Markham is a comedian that wore a judge robe. He’s the one that created the phrase, “Here come the judge, here come the judge.”

A lot of people think it was Sammy Davis Jr., but it was Judge Pigmeat Markham. I would take their jokes back to school and people would laugh, and I was the comedian. I was never the class clown, but I was a comedian.

Tavis: Speaking of Sammy Davis Jr., people think that the guy that they called Mr. Vegas with Wayne Newton. With all due respect to Wayne Newton.

Wallace: Totally with all due respect.

Tavis: But prior to Wayne, Sammy.

Wallace: I told somebody that today, and we had a little – he called me, and I still love him today and respect Wayne Newton as Mr. Las Vegas, and he titled me the new Mr. Vegas, but I was telling (unintelligible) you get a title, and every generation it changes. Sammy was the first Mr. Vegas, Mr. Las Vegas, and he still is the greatest performer to ever hit the stage in Las Vegas, and I thank God for everybody like Redd Foxx and Sammy Davis Jr. every time I walk out on that stage, for paving the way for people like myself.

Because they had to go – you know the story. At the Flamingo, the hotel, the very hotel I’m working at, they had to go through the kitchen to come out and work on that stage, and every night I think about it and I said, “If they were alive today, they’d be surprised to know that we’re still going through that same damn kitchen.” (Laughter)

Tavis: To get to the stage?

Wallace: Everybody’s got to go through the kitchen. It wasn’t a racial thing, it’s just you’ve got to go through the back.

Tavis: How is Vegas doing these days? Because I keep reading stuff about the hit the city is taking because of the recession.

Wallace: It took a hit, but Vegas is coming back now. There’s a new customer there. The customers don’t have the money they used to have when you were there two years ago. There’s a new customer. They call them the cooler crowd. “Cooler,” that’s like a cold – what do you call it, the coolers, the cold -

Tavis: The coolers, you put the -

Wallace: The Coleman coolers, right?

Tavis: Yeah, yeah.

Wallace: They put their – that’s what they bring, but they bring their own sodas, they bring their own beers, and some of these – we had to get the people back in some way, so we cut a lot of rates. You used to go to Las Vegas; the old rates were like $300 a night. Now at the best hotel you can get a rate, a room on the weekdays for, like, $159.

But people are coming back in. My crowds are growing. I was getting ready to leave Las Vegas. I don’t know what to do now, because people are coming back in, we’re having full houses now, and that’s just great. I’m so blessed, Tavis. I have the most diversified crowd in Las Vegas.

I got young people, old people, Black people, white people, hip-hoppers and gangbangers. Nobody has an audience like this. What I like about working in Las Vegas, sometimes we advertise it, “Vegas, like it used to be?” You don’t know what’s going to happen at the show.

Like last week we had Anthony Anderson come in. I had a lady named Denise Williams, remember her?

Tavis: Oh, do I.

Wallace: “Let’s hear it for the boys.” (Unintelligible)

Tavis: From Indiana, where I’m from.

Wallace: Yes. That’s where you’re from, Indiana? I’m sorry about that. (Laughter) We had – who else – oh quarterback Brett Favre was in the other night. You just don’t know what’s going to happen in that room or who’s going to show. Tom Jones, Aretha Franklin, David (unintelligible).

Tavis: Sly Stone.

Wallace: No, let me tell you about that.

Tavis: I remember the Sly Stone story.

Wallace: You never know what’s going to happen at my show. You never know who I’m going to bring in. For the first time in 25 years, I had Sly and the Family Stone at my show. This made news all over the world. The odds were 45 to one that he wouldn’t show up, (laughter) because when we grew up -

Tavis: That’s Sly, yeah.

Wallace: – that was his reputation.

Tavis: Right.

Wallace: I had to explain to the young kids today, Sly and the Family Stone is like our Prince. Prince came to the show three times. I just love going to work. Every night there’s somebody in the audience that can sing. Sometimes we have church in the casino. We break rules. (Laughter)

You know I don’t know what I’m doing when I get out there. You know they already paid, what the hell do I care? (Laughter) But we have a good time every night.

Tavis: I was online the other night looking, and just typed in your – I knew you were coming on the show – and I’d never done this before. I typed in your name. I was amazed at all of the YouTube videos of you, going way back in your career. Have you ever done this before? You are all over YouTube. I mean, everywhere.

Wallace: I was skinny; I was a skinny little boy. Now I’ve got YouTube and I’ve got Facebook and I got Twitter, I’m all over the place. This thing, this new social media is working, too, because -

Tavis: You like it?

Wallace: I like it. I don’t know how to do – I know how to do it, but I don’t know how to do it. I should do it every day, but I don’t. Like last night I was on a show – Sunday night I was on a show called “The Marriage Ref” with Jerry Seinfeld, my best friend, and I put it on Facebook and it just went, like, everywhere.

Now my phone is loaded with messages, so it does work. There’s more hits than I’ve ever had from any other show except this one. I know I’m going to get – after I leave here tonight, there’s going to be a million hits.

Tavis: That social media got Anthony Weiner in trouble, though.

Wallace: I call him the weenie man. (Laughter) This is PBS, and I don’t know – I talk about it every night. It’s the power of the puddycat, that’s what I say on stage, because it’s gotten everybody in trouble from Anthony Weiner to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

We thought he was the Terminator; he turned out to be the Inseminator. (Laughter) He told his wife, “I’ll be back.” She said, “I don’t think so.” So the power of this, it’s got a lot of people in trouble. President Clinton, and it’s got Lawrence Taylor. You could just go down the line. I don’t know, the man in Iowa, Mr. what was it, Lawrence? The man in the bathroom.

Tavis: Oh, the senator.

Wallace: Laurence Craig, that was his name. That wasn’t puddycat, but whatever. (Laughter)

Tavis: When do you have time, since you’re on stage every night, almost every night, in Vegas, when do you have time to write material after all these years?

Wallace: I don’t have to write now. I just watch television. I just watch TV and watch the news, CNN. We call that the Comedy News Network, because all you got to do is watch that.

Tavis: It gives you all your material.

Wallace: Everything is right there. Like Nancy Grace, she’s mad as hell right now. This Anthony case (unintelligible).

Tavis: Oh, yeah, it made her mad, yeah.

Wallace: She’s mad as a – she’s not happy unless somebody been kidnapped or killed, (laughter) and I personally think Nancy Grace is kidnapping and killing these people. One day somebody’s going to kidnap her. They’ll turn her back in in a minute, just like that, though.

I’m talking about some of these people on TV that need to go to jail, like the lady on “The View.” She’s going to go to jail one day.

Tavis: Who?

Wallace: The one that’s always in trouble – Elisabeth Hasselbeck.

Tavis: Yeah, going to jail for what?

Wallace: Well, she’s going to get her butt kicked, let me put it like that, and it’s going to be Joy or Sherri that kicks her butt. It’s not going to be Whoopi, because Whoopi would go to jail for a long time. She’d kick Whoopi off and (unintelligible) come out. (Laughter) Shut up, you old fool. No, that wasn’t (unintelligible), that was Ms. Sophia. That was Oprah.

Tavis: (Unintelligible)

Wallace: I love Oprah, now. Now Oprah, she did something different a few – some time back. What Black person you know in their right mind is going to call in and give a two-year notice to quitting their job, huh?

Tavis: Not me.

Wallace: Black people ain’t going to give you no – Black people give you a two-week notice and one of those weeks is going to be a vacation week. Am I right?

Tavis: That’s how it works. (Laughter)

Wallace: But I love Oprah and personally I want to be like Oprah. I want to be a rich Black lady, that’s what I want to be. (Laughter) When you got that kind of money, you can do anything you want.

Tavis: Whatever you want to do.

Wallace: Let me tell you something.

Tavis: Yes.

Wallace: I learned something from you. Some years back – you don’t remember this – you gave me a book called something to the left -

Tavis: “Hard Left,” yeah.

Wallace: “Hard Left,” and you said something, you know what I said. (Unintelligible)

Tavis: Yeah, I know you did, yeah, I remember this.

Wallace: But I probably hit you. But I’m finishing up a book, finally.

Tavis: I was about to ask you about this. I’ve been telling you to write your book, George.

Wallace: For years. It is a book, it’s going to be called “Don’t Touch My Bread,” or it’s going to be called “Laugh it Off.” It’s teaching people how simple it is to enjoy life.

Like I’m teaching young people, especially young people, because life is backwards. I tell all the young people say, “When I retire I’m going to,” and “When I turn 65 and I retire I’m going to travel all over the world.” For what? You too damn old. (Laughter) Old people have to be sleeping by 7:30 at night, don’t they?

I see old people in Paris all the time in front of the Eiffel Tower, just looking up. So I teach the young people, make sure you travel and meet these young people, turn some heads. Because when you’re young – I tell them as soon as you get out of school, charge it to your parents. Just get on a plane.

Am I right about – you give me – old people like to start wars. Old rich people. That’s the only reason have wars.

Tavis: That’s how it works.

Wallace: Old rich people. You give me 10 kids from China, 10 kids from Africa, 10 kids from Brazil, 10 kids from Cleveland, a boom box, a keg of beer, and leave them there for an hour, what’s happening? A party.

Young people don’t like all these wars and things like that. That’s why you need a leader like me in charge of this country. I’ll tell you, for – oh, I would make a great leader. I got billboards up right now.

Tavis: Over Obama?

Wallace: Oh, man, I’m going to be the second Black president. There’s going to be some changes made, too.

Tavis: What kind of change you going to make?

Wallace: Like there’s going to be no foreign aid, first of all. For two years, ain’t nobody getting nothing. (Laughter) We still giving money to Bosnia-(stammers). (Laughter) Bosnia – matter of fact, if we can’t pronounce your name, you ain’t getting diddly-squat up in here, you understand what I’m saying?

I’m going to save you some money. They want to cut back on the budget, Tavis. Y’all need me in Washington. We going to have a three-day government, Monday, Wednesday and Friday. That’s when the mailman’s going to come, Monday, Wednesday – then the mailman and the garbage man are going to be the same guy.

They’re dropping off and picking up the same crap. (Laughter) See, I’m combining these jobs. Do we care whether we get our bills on Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays? If we’re going to pay our bills once a week, right?

Tavis: Mine ain’t got to come at all and I’ll be happy. (Laughter)

Wallace: Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and that’s when hospitals are going to be open, too – Monday, Wednesday and Fridays. You have a heart attack on Tuesday (makes noise). (Laughter) That ain’t going to be your day. But it’d be okay to have a heart attack.

We got the greatest doctors in the world, and only doctor – you ever go to these doctors, you have nice features, and I went to a doctor the other day called a dermatologist. Do you know they don’t do anything? The dermatologist just walked in the room and just looked at me. (Laughter) Just looked at me. For $175 for an office visit, just looked at me. Then he wrote out a prescription. He said, “I want you to use this twice a day. Come back and see me in two months.”

I said, “Not today, Doc. Not for $175. You touching me.” (Laughter) “You look in that drawer and you get that KY jelly and you’re going to make me feel good. You touching me.”

Tavis: For $175.

Wallace: For $175. (Laughter) So what I do, I just take simple, everyday things and just that’s what my comedy is, just things you can relate to. If you’re driving down the street in Las Vegas, there’s a store there – you’ve seen this store, called The World’s Largest Souvenir Shop.

Tavis: Yeah, yeah.

Wallace: On the marquee today they have “If it’s in stock, we have it.” Now, is that stupid, or what? Does that make – Macy’s, every store should put that up, “If it’s in stock, we have it.”

I told them, “You know what you should put up there? ‘If you pay for it, it’s free.’” (Laughter) Tavis, so I just – Tavis, let me tell you something, there’s a lot of things I just make funny.

Now this is funny, and I’m going to get in trouble about doing this joke.

Tavis: Okay.

Wallace: I’m not apologizing, but I’m just telling you I’m getting in trouble. (Laughter) In Las Vegas, they just opened up a brand new Ethiopian restaurant – a brand new Ethiopian restaurant. And I’m driving, I’m thinking, personally, I’m thinking, I didn’t even know they had food in Ethiopia. (Laughter) I’m thinking, what little food they got, they’re bringing it over here? Take that food back over there and give it to the people that need it.

They’re doing real good, too. Every time I go down to the, “Can I get some chicken?” “We out.” “Can I get some couscous?” “We out.” (Laughter) “Can I talk to the manager?” “We out.” There’s no food at the Ethiopian restaurant. I make jokes about it.

You know people are nosy. People are nosy. (Laughter) You ever been in your driveway, washing your car, the neighbors pull in their driveway, what do they say? “When you finish yours, you can do mine.” (Laughter) You can be painting your house. “When you finish yours, you can do mine.” I’m going to walk up on my neighbor and his wife having sex next week. (Laughter) You know what I’m going to tell her? Mm-hmm. “You can do mine.”

No, listen, I’m pushing it. But people won’t mind their own business. You ever been on the train – I know this has happened to you – you’re on the train because a lot of people see you on TV, they see me on TV, and a lady said to me on the tram this morning, “Mr. Wallace, it’s okay to smile. Mr. Wallace, it’s okay to smile.”

I’m minding my own business. What am I supposed to be, walking through the airport like I just took three Viagras?” “It’s okay to smile.” You know me, I’m thinking. You know what I told her? I told her my mama died. (Laughter) “My mama died. She’s dead. My mama’s dead. She died.” I told her five times.

I had her crying. “My mama died.” (Laughter) I followed her all the way to the airplane. I said, “She’s dead. Mama dead.” I didn’t tell her when she died. That wasn’t her damn business. She died 30 years ago, but that wasn’t her business. (Laughter) She needs to mind her own business. “My mama died.” I told her “My daddy died. I shot both of them at the same time.” (Laughter)

Tavis: I saw you on YouTube the other day razzing your friend, Jerry Seinfeld. Seinfeld told you he’s building a new house?

Wallace: No, see, he -

Tavis: I saw this on YouTube.

Wallace: This is what happens when people live in Las Vegas. The heat is causing them to say stupid stuff. He worked at Caesar’s and he walks onto my stage three months ago, he says to everybody he’s going to build him a new house, and he’s going to build it from the ground up.

I really didn’t want to embarrass him in front of everybody, but I had to tell him, I said, “You know, that’d probably be the best way to start building a house.” (Laughter) “Because if you start with the roof and the chimney, there’s a possibility you’re going to run into some trouble.”

But all my friends say stupid stuff.

Tavis: From the ground up.

Wallace: Shaq, Shaq walked on stage and told everybody when he retires from basketball he wants to become a cop. A police officer, out of all – can you imagine Shaq, six feet twelve, down on his knees, up against your window? “You know why I’m here (mumbling).” (Laughter) A policeman, out of all things.

Policemen, I love them, too, and I’ve been talking about police. You know who I’ve been talking about lately? Firemen.

Tavis: Why you messing with the firemen?

Wallace: Because I was wondering what happened to the dog that used to be on the truck. When we were kids, y’all know there used to be a dog -

Tavis: The little Dalmatian.

Wallace: Yeah, and they used to tell the dog, “Go in there and see what’s burning.” The dog they got (unintelligible) “The hell with you. You go in and see what’s burning.” Those dogs got ticked off and they formed a union. It was the 101. They said, “We’re going to California and make a movie,” mm-hmm.

Tavis: You know what?

Wallace: And I told the firemen in the fire department (laughter), “Why can’t they build a firehouse with a back garage door and a front garage door? Because they’re ticking us off, standing in the middle of the street, backing up, holding up traffic and stuff. (Laughter) The firemen are getting on my nerves.

A fireman told me right here in Los Angeles, a fireman told me if my house catches fire and I can’t get out, go in the bathroom, fill the tub with water, get in there. That should help. I said, “Oh.”

I tell everybody every night, “I’m telling you right now, if your house catches fire, Tavis, and you can’t get out, you go in your bathroom and you fill that tub with water and you get in there, you might as well throw in a cup of carrots and an onion, bay leaf. (Laughter) Little Lawry’s Seasoned Salt. Because that’s what you’re going to be – soup. Cream of butthead soup.

I’m in Las Vegas – let me tell you about something else that’s happening in Las Vegas. No kid left behind.

Tavis: Yes.

Wallace: When we went to college, remember going to college? You had a little money, but not a lot of money. I thought about that the other day, and college students don’t get to come to shows in Las Vegas because it is very expensive. I thought I made enough money in Las Vegas – I haven’t made enough, but I made enough to make a sacrifice and give back to the community.

All the kids all over America, if you come to Las Vegas, two forms of ID, up to the age of 23, I’m going to let them into the George Wallace I Be Thinking show for free.

Tavis: Wow.

Wallace: I’m making that announcement tonight on your show.

Tavis: You got that?

Wallace: All college students up to the age -

Tavis: All college students.

Wallace: I don’t want any old people going to DeVry and the University of Phoenix coming there. (Laughter)

Tavis: Two forms of ID, 23 and under.

Wallace: 23 and under.

Tavis: How do you pick 23?

Wallace: Because you’ve got to cut off somewhere?

Tavis: Why’d you pick 23 though?

Wallace: That’s my lucky number. That’s my lucky number, 23.

Tavis: Okay.

Wallace: Twenty-three. My son’s number is 23, or it used to be.

Tavis: I’m just asking. Okay.

Wallace: My son – you didn’t know I had a son, did you?

Tavis: I didn’t even know you had a son.

Wallace: I went to the University of Akron and a lady told me one time, “I think you’re the father of my son.” I said, “You crazy. I’m not a father.” In any case, I had to take the DNA test and when I walked out of the room Maury Povich was sitting there. (Laughter) So that didn’t look too good for me.

Tavis: His name is George Wallace.

Wallace: But I had a DNA test, and I went back, I tried to give the kid money. For 21 years, he wouldn’t take it, God bless him, and he’s doing pretty good. He used to play ball in Cleveland and went down to Miami. You know that boy who played – what was the boy who played -

Tavis: LeBron?

Wallace: That’s him, that’s it, LeBron James. That’s my son.

Tavis: That’s your -

Wallace: Mm-hmm.

Tavis: LeBron is your son and you’re still working every day?

Wallace: I’m going to sue him for father support. (Laughter)

Tavis: Why are you still working if LeBron is your son?

Wallace: Listen, I’m still working. I’m at the fabulous Flamingo, the best 10:00 p.m. show in Las Vegas. If you come to Las Vegas, make sure you stop by and say hello. Its’ Vegas like it used to be. You never know who’s going to walk out on that stage; you never know what’s going to happen. You never know what I’m going to do. I’ve given away a car, I’ve given away diamonds, cruises, and I just love going to work, just because -

Tavis: I’m glad you – this is not funny, but is -

Wallace: Don’t ever touch me. (Laughter) Bam. You always wanted to be a foxer – a boxer, a fighter. See, I’m putting words together, huh?

Tavis: Yeah (unintelligible). Seriously, I was going to ask you, when you talked about your show – this is a serious question. I know this is hard for you to get serious for a second.

Wallace: Hold on, okay, then let me.

Tavis: You ready now?

Wallace: Mm-hmm. (Laughter)

Tavis: Your deal – I think you can talk about this.

Wallace: Yes, of course.

Tavis: Your deal is different than anybody else’s in Vegas.

Wallace: Yeah, totally.

Tavis: You don’t actually work for the Flamingo.

Wallace: The hotel. I produce and direct my own show.

Tavis: How is that different?

Wallace: Well, it’s called four-walling. I rent the whole room. I own all the walls, and I do all of the marketing, I do all of the advertising.

Tavis: So when I come to Vegas and see your face everywhere -

Wallace: I do that.

Tavis: – that’s you, only on you?

Wallace: Yes, and I’m blessed to have a multimillion-dollar campaign out there every year. It costs a lot of money to work Las Vegas, but I learned that when I was in my advertising days back in New York. You know everything at Times Square, the billboards, the spectaculars, I was vice president of that company many years ago and (unintelligible).

Tavis: You were into marketing before you started doing comedy?

Wallace: Yes. Market is another name for B.S. Been in it all my life. (Laughter) We going to give you a degree in it too. (Laughter)

Tavis: How does having a marketing background help you as a comedian?

Wallace: Being a comedian, an entertainer, there’s a show, and then there’s business. That’s why (unintelligible) business.

Tavis: Show business.

Wallace: How many football players – you know 80 percent of the football players go broke?

Tavis: Yeah, five years.

Wallace: Professional, in five years. So you’ve got to learn how to run your business, too. You’ve got to learn how to put your business in the street, you’ve got to be financially secure, you’ve got to – all of this planning in your head, you’ve got to do it.

There’s no reason why any rich man should be broke. I don’t like ex-rich broke people. You should always -

Tavis: Ex-rich broke people.

Wallace: Because listen, when they’re making millions and millions of dollars, you see some of these entertainers making millions and millions of dollars, they go out and they buy these $35 million homes. Well, that money is coming in now, but five years from now, maybe it won’t be coming in.

But the bills will still be coming in. You see it happening all over. You see entertainers losing their homes and things like that.

Tavis: So 10 years ago we’re going to read in “Jet” magazine that George Wallace files bankruptcy?

Wallace: One good thing about me, if it happened to me, I have lived a good life. (Laughter) I have lived a good life.

Tavis: So did they.

Wallace: Well, but I’m not broke. If it happens to me – I know things are going to happen to me. When I die, there’s going to be some money somewhere, mm-hmm. No, it’s not – IRS, I’m just kidding. (Laughter)

Tavis: I was about to say – I was about to say -

Wallace: I forgot about them.

Tavis: – tell me where it’s going to be. Tell me where it’s going to be.

Wallace: Why do they tax you on the death tax?

Tavis: Isn’t that something? You get death tax.

Wallace: Yeah. That’s another thing if I’m president. If you win the lottery, if it’s $100 million, that’s how much you’re going to get. Does that make sense to you?

Tavis: I’m all for that.

Wallace: Why should you have to pay? That money’s already been taxed. The lottery money is a taxed money.

Tavis: I like that idea.

Wallace: See, I know how to run this country.

Tavis: You be thinking.

Wallace: I told you a long time ago, to balance the budget, we can sell some things we don’t need, we’ll have a garage sale. We can sell West Virginia. I told you that a long time ago. (Laughter) We’ve got one Virginia. We don’t need two Virginias. There’s a lot of things we can do.

I’m going to be in – oh, I like the healthcare, we got – I like that. You know who has the best healthcare in the world, right? Congress. Who pays for it?

Tavis: We do.

Wallace: We do. Why can’t everybody get the same thing? That’s why when I’m in charge of the country, everybody’s going – I just want to get what prisoners get, Tavis. Prisoners get free healthcare.

Tavis: And three meals a day.

Wallace: How about that? Prisoners get sick and don’t even have to leave the house. You ever think about that? (Laughter) I’m taking advantage of this healthcare and I’m getting closer to age, I’m making an appointment already. Next week I’m going to the hospital, I’m going to get a pap smear, I’m going to get a hysterectomy, and if they let me, I might get an abortion. I’m going to get everything they got that in the hospital.

I even bought me a brand-new catheter. (Laughter) I’m peeing right now. (Laughter) There’s something wrong with me. I don’t know what it is. Knock on my head and see is there anything in there.

Tavis: You know what? I’m out of time. That’s just as well, because George Wallace is just – I’m sweating, I’m -

Wallace: I want to thank you so much. It’s been a pleasure. I haven’t seen you in a long time. (Laughter) You come to Las Vegas, bring your whole entire staff. Everybody watching tonight, when you come to Las Vegas, I’m at the fabulous Flamingo, the best 10:00 p.m. show in Las Vegas. The new Mr. Vegas, and I love it. I love you, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. I got that -

Tavis: You stole my line.

Wallace: That’s my line. I did that before you even got in the business, Junior. When you – before you came, I used to work with you. I love you, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. Call Washington D.C. It’s registered under my name.

Tavis: Mm. (Laughter)

Wallace: And if you ever use it again, I’m going to sue your behind. (Laughter)

Tavis: Thank you for watching tonight. I love you, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it. See you tomorrow night.

Wallace: Ooh, you going to jail, you going to jail, you going to jail. You going to jail. I swear you’re going to jail.

Tavis: George, you kill me, man.

“Announcer:” Nationwide Insurance supports Tavis Smiley. With every question and every answer, Nationwide Insurance is proud to join Tavis in working to improve financial literacy and remove obstacles to economic empowerment one conversation at a time. Nationwide is on your side.

And by contributions to your PBS station from viewers like you. Thank you.

  • Sand Jenkinson

    Caught this show last night while caring for my very old dog who has a form of doggie Alzheimers. His condition makes me so sad but once I started watching George Wallace and Tavis I did nothing but laugh for the entire show as did Tavis. I was laughing so loud I feared waking up my husband. This was much needed laughter. George Wallace is so funny and he is right, laughter is the best medicine. He would make a great president, and Tavis could be his vice president. Politics is funny now but imagine how funny it would be with George and Tavis. George Wallace has a wonderful gift of humor. Thanks for a wonderful uplifting show.

  • shirley enomoto

    george wallace is the funniest man i’ve ever seen. i thought tavis was going to fall off the couch from laughing. i’m 66 and never been to las vegas, but i’m planning a trip now. i hope i don’t have a heart attack on tuesdays!

  • AEileen Justice

    George Wallace is funny; Oh my goodness; Love it; If I ever get back to Vegas have to go to his show.

  • Biniam

    I am reporting the Ethiopian restaurant joke to Dr. west’s Ethiopian wife Eeni. FYI we have the finest (inside out) women in the world

Last modified: February 21, 2013 at 12:43 pm