Vietnam has the best police force that money can buy. They are a well-oiled mafia whose primary purpose, it seems, is to shake down weary travelers (locals and foreigners alike). But wait, there is hope. You have an unexpected ally against the Custodians of Law and Order - the local Vietnamese themselves. They are getting hammered almost as badly as you are (and can afford it a lot less). They are almost always happy to join forces...

Six months before I arrived in Vietnam the Central Highlands were still officially off-limits to Americans. Word of the change in policies obviously hadn't filtered out to the more remote provincial authorities, because I was getting arrested and fined almost every day. Bribing the police - at $5-$20 a shot - were taking a chunk out of my shoestring budget. So I came up with a plan... First thing every morning, I would drive my motorbike to the corner soup shop where all the truck drivers had breakfast. I introduced myself and explained my problem with the police. The truck drivers were always sympathetic - they got shaken down regularly by the very same officials. I asked them if they minded driving ahead of me and signalling when they hit a roadblock. I then simply snuck up along the far side of the truck while the driver created a verbal distraction, gunned the engine and made a run for it. A mile down the road I stopped and waited for the truck to catch up. The drivers thought the whole idea was an absolute riot - they took me out to dinner almost every night to celebrate having put one over on their government.

POLICE SURVIVAL TIPS

	The police force in the south is largely composed of northerners - Hanoi imposed most of the governing structure on the south after the war. That means they will be even more disliked by the locals and will be more likely to shake you down. At least I wasn't the only one..
	If you are arrested the "fine" will probably begin at $200-$400 dollars. Don't panic. Know that the final number will be closer to $10 (probably between $5 and $20). See section on bargaining.
	There's illegal, and there's ILLEGAL. If you're smuggling heroin, I don't want to know you and don't want to help you. If you've done something that's not morally reprehensible, relax. Share cigarettes (carry them with you even if you don't smoke). Give an impromptu English lesson. Show some photos from home. It will pass the time and probably lower the fine.
	Recognize the difference between a bluff and a real threat. The police know that Westerners tend to panic and pay up when they are faced with the thought of going to a third-world jail. Most of the time it's just a way of softening you up. The last thing the police want is to deal with a foreigner in their jail - the paperwork's awful, America now has an embassy in country, and they'd have a hell of a lot of explaining to do to their superiors (as a matter of fact, THEY'd probably end up in jail). So relax. You're in the driver's seat.
	Let's say you need something from the police (like one of those pesky visa extension stamps). You spread around a few packs of cigarettes, a bottle of Black Label. Just because you've played by the rules doesn't mean they are going to. Remember the official Vietnamese Gov't Motto: them as has the stamp, makes the rules.
	Let's say I'm wrong and you end up in jail. What an opportunity! Take lots of notes. When you get out, write a bestseller.
	Justice is a luxury. Most countries are too poor to afford it. Do not expect the police to be on your side. Do not expect it to matter if you're in the right or not. Do not get shrill or righteous. Just get practical, pay up, and move on.
	In some areas the police are particularly nasty. In Dalat I watched a group of thugs in official blue kick over a whole row of vendor stalls (because they hadn't paid the required bribes), spilling food and shattering glassware. In other areas they will shake you out of a sound sleep to ask you ridiculous questions at one in the morning (that's rare). Check with local travelers on the trouble spots.
	Don't ever think you are beyond the reach of the long arm of the law. I did once..
	If you have an accident in your car, motorbike, or bicycle, pay everyone off as quickly as possible and get out of there. You will be at fault no matter what. If the police get involved it will cost you a GREAT deal of money and time. If your moral funny-bone is vibrating painfully, consider this. That old man who made a sudden left turn without signalling and cut across your motorbike has no health insurance and no access to medication. He works in a paddy field from dawn to dusk. The cut on his leg will probably get infected. The kink in his back will be sheer torture after a day of planting rice. You, on the other hand, will sleep on a soft bed, apply antibiotic cream to any superficial scrape, and take it easy. Does it matter whose fault it is?
	Always carry photocopies of your important papers (passport, visa, driver's license). If you hand over something that you cannot leave without, you have in effect handcuffed yourself to the man holding your papers. And whatever originals you give, be prepared to buy them back.
	Never argue logic with the law. Say, for example, that there are two of you on one motorbike. The police see nothing wrong with fining both of you for driving an unregistered vehicle. That you have given them your vehicle registration papers is entirely beside the point, and they always have ways of making you pay...
	When you get stopped by a police blockade and "fined", assume that the police will call up their buddies in the next town and tell them that a windfall is on the way.
	A big white C means restricted area. If you see one, back away, turn around, and return the way you came. Quickly.
	This only really works if you speak the language, but I found that knowing the proper form of address given the number of stars on the lapels of the man across from me did absolute wonders. If you don't know and you're in a police station anyway, you can spend a pleasant half hour with pen and paper figuring it out with them. You'll probably make a friend.
	I would never suggest that anyone forge papers for any reason in a foreign country... but let's say you're writing a novel and your protagonist needs a few documents: Make it look official - use a ton of titles that make absolutely no sense. Go down to the marketplace and have some wooden stamps made up. Use them liberally. If you can make up a seal, do it. Laminate all forms of fake ID. Sign with a flourish. Make the language so convoluted that even a Vietnamese with a good grasp of English won't figure it out. Use it with complete and utter confidence. Deny everything.