{"id":28317,"date":"2024-02-12T09:00:27","date_gmt":"2024-02-12T17:00:27","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.pbs.org\/independentlens\/?post_type=blog&p=28317"},"modified":"2024-03-07T11:01:26","modified_gmt":"2024-03-07T19:01:26","slug":"good-grief-are-our-attitudes-about-death-and-dying-evolving","status":"publish","type":"blog","link":"https:\/\/www.pbs.org\/independentlens\/blog\/good-grief-are-our-attitudes-about-death-and-dying-evolving\/","title":{"rendered":"Good Grief: Are Our Attitudes About Death and Dying Evolving?"},"content":{"rendered":"
By Lennlee Keep<\/b><\/h5>\n
\n

So Sorry for Your Loss<\/span><\/h3>\n

When my husband died, a lot of things surprised me. Friends and family showed up en masse. People I hadn\u2019t heard from in years reached out to give their condolences, and there were calls, cards, and casseroles galore, all of which were very comforting and deeply appreciated. But after a month or so, everyone returned to their regular routines, which is understandable, but there was no return to normal for my son and me.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

While Sister <\/span>\u00da<\/span>na shares her journey toward letting go in <\/span>Sister \u00dan<\/span><\/em>a Lived a Good Death<\/em><\/span><\/a>,<\/span><\/i> we see that her <\/span>story doesn\u2019t end with her loss. There are the ones to leave us, and those of us left to grieve. Dealing with the world after the death of a loved one can be an isolating no-man\u2019s-land. While I was surrounded by a supportive and loving community, in the months after my husband’s death, I found that many people wanted to help, but didn\u2019t know what to say or do.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

\"Sister

Sister \u00dana and friends in the documentary Sister \u00dana Lived a Good Death<\/em>.<\/p><\/div>\n

Best-selling author and journalist <\/span>Dina Gachman<\/b><\/a> had a similar experience when she experienced the heartbreaking loss of her mother and sister, which she recounts in her book <\/span>So Sorry for Your Loss: How I Learned to Live with Grief and Other Grave Concerns<\/span><\/i>.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I saw so much of myself in her book. While it gave me hope and comfort, it also helped me articulate what I needed. Gachman gives great advice for people supporting someone else through grief. “I think there’s so much fear, like, ‘I’m going to say the wrong thing. I’m going to trigger them.’ And what people don’t realize is that a grieving person’s already triggered. There’s nothing you can do to make us feel worse except saying nothing.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Amen, Dina. To this day, someone mentioning my husband’s name makes me smile because it means someone else is also thinking about him.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The Myth of Five Stages<\/b><\/h3>\n

There were also times I felt that I was “bad” at grieving. Turns out, maybe I was led to feel that way.<\/span><\/p>\n

One of the most prevalent and potentially damaging myths about grief is that it happens in five distinct stages. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross introduced this idea in her book <\/span>On Death and Dying<\/span><\/i>. In it, she outlined five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Initially, Kubler-Ross posited that the five stages described the feelings of a person facing their death, not those left behind. But in the book’s second printing, she expanded the definition to include those experiencing the loss of a loved one. In a new book published posthumously in 2004, she wrote that the five stages are \u201cnot stops on some linear timeline in grief. Not everyone goes through all of them or goes in a prescribed order.\u201d <\/span><\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t alone in thinking that I was a “bad griever.” Using the stages of grief to gauge a person’s progress has left millions in mourning with the feeling that they are somehow doing it wrong. Equally harmful is the idea that once the stages of grief are “complete,” it is time to move on.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

The medical profession seems to agree.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

In 2022, the <\/span>Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders<\/span><\/i> update (DSM-5) included a new diagnosis:<\/span> prolonged grief disorder<\/b>. The definition of “prolonged” seems vague, and the description closely mirrors the feelings and behavior of anyone who has lost someone they love. The <\/span>American Psychiatry Association estimates<\/span><\/a> that 7%-10% of people who have experienced a loss have this disorder. <\/span><\/p>\n

“The five stages model was meant as descriptive but has <\/span>become prescriptive<\/span><\/a>,” wrote science writer <\/span>Ada McVean<\/span><\/a>. “Bereaved individuals can feel like there are certain reactions they should be having and that they are somehow grieving wrong by not having them. There is no set pattern of emotions that must be experienced to come to terms with death, and we can seriously <\/span>harm<\/span><\/a> bereaved individuals by comparing their experiences to a non-evidence-based, not-even-meant-to-describe-their-experiences model.”<\/span><\/p>\n

Grief is a topic that has been brought out of the shadows.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Joan Didion and “The Look” of Loss<\/b><\/h3>\n

Whether art changes<\/span> with<\/span><\/i> the culture or changes it, many writers have shared their experiences through grief and loss. No one can understand someone moving through loss like someone else who has experienced it.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

Author Joan Didion said it best in <\/span>The Year of Magical Thinking, <\/span><\/i>her National Book Award-winning book about the death of her husband, writer John Gregory Dunne:<\/span>\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

“People who have recently lost someone have a certain look, recognizable maybe only to those who have seen that look on their own faces. I have noticed it on my face, and I notice it now on others. The look is one of extreme vulnerability, nakedness, openness. It is the look of someone who walks from the ophthalmologist’s office into the bright daylight with dilated eyes.”\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n

I am certain I had that same look. In the book, Didion also explores the surprising nature of grief and how it is rarely what we would expect. She found profundity and the absurdity of these complicated feelings. Things that would have seemed unreasonable before suddenly seeming to be the truth: “I could not give away the rest of his shoes. I stood there for a moment, then realized why: he would need shoes if he was to return. The recognition of this thought by no means eradicated the thought. I have still not tried to determine (say, by giving away the shoes) if the thought has lost its power.”<\/span><\/p>\n