Season 2024 | Episode 3

♪ ♪ Thank you for doing this.

♪ ♪ LYNN: I gave you a chance to tell me and you didn't take it!

Shared custody, two visits per week.

JACK: How is she?

(Celia fussing, Alice shushing) What are you doing, Jack?!

Sorry, sorry!

Is there anything you feel you can tell me?

Why you dread seeing your dad so much?

The present can't fix the past.

And I love you, but we don't have a future together.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (footsteps approaching) ♪ ♪ (breathes deeply) (phone ringing out) ALICE (on phone): You got it.

No, I'm calling by coincidence.

Are you all right?

Arnold Circus, half an hour, please.

♪ ♪ (exhales) ♪ ♪ (footsteps approaching) (breathes deeply) I don't know where to begin.

I want to hear everything you have to say, so...

I'll stay here all day, if, if that's what it takes.

(sighs) I suppose the first words out of my mouth should be, "Congratulations, Alice, I'm very happy for you and I wish you nothing but the best."

I think that's probably required by law, actually.

But there ought to be a limit on how much you can treat a person like (muted) and still expect to hear that.

Well, you don't have to be gracious.

There's no danger of that.

How could you not tell me in person?

Or call me, at least?

I thought this was very difficult, that you wouldn't want me to be party to it.

And I thought this was easier for you.

No.

You thought it would be easier for you.

Yeah, maybe that, too.

Okay, then why didn't you write me a letter or send me a text or a (muted) homing pigeon with a note tied to its foot?

I did try to write.

It's just not my strength.

After everything that's passed between us, I just can't imagine anything more callous or cowardly.

Okay, clearly, I handled it in the wrong way.

You're so many things, but until today, you've never been ugly.

This was never gonna be good news.

No matter how it was delivered, you know.

I would've bet anything that you still cared enough for me, just as a person, that you would treat me with compassion and respect and not send a (muted), just an invite in the post.

I thought that I was doing that.

Jack, it's been two years.

Two years?

Two hundred years!

If you have somebody on their knees in front of you, you don't leave them waiting there.

You help them up!

Two years ago, you said you were all (muted) up and that you'd always be alone.

Would you prefer if that were the case?

No.

But you said if you could be with anyone, you would be with me.

Yes, I did.

Yeah, that was just bollox, clearly.

None of it.

Well, then, how did we get here?

Alice, what happened?

I fell in love.

Life just stuns you, Jack.

Even when you think you know everything.

Mm-hmm.

And I know how much this is gonna hurt you, and I'm so sorry for that, because I, that's the last thing that I want to do.

But you keep doing it.

You fell in love.

Yeah.

(sighs) With someone else.

Yeah.

And out of love with me.

It's different.

What, what does that mean?

This is different to that.

How is this different from that?

In love is in love.

It's unfettered and it's uncomplicated.

Oh, don't make it sound (muted) fancy.

Just say it.

Say what a billion people say every day.

Say, "I met somebody and I moved on."

(voice trembling): I met somebody and I moved on.

♪ ♪ (quietly): Okay.

Is this the way you want to leave it?

That's everything I have.

Congratulations, Alice.

I'm very happy for you and I wish you nothing but the best.

♪ ♪ (traffic passing) (Jack grunting, people talking in background) PAUL: Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale!

To thy last I grapple with thee!

From hell's heart I stab at thee!

(Jack grunting) (bell rings) For hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee!

And thus, I drop my spear!

(bell rings, punches continue) Good, good, good.

(panting) Good.

(panting): Thank you.

That was a supreme act of friendship.

No, no problem.

Give me a minute, I can go again.

I'll be God and you be Friedrich Nietzsche?

You're all right, I think that's enough.

(people talking in background) What can I do for you?

Can we talk some more?

Because it was so lovely earlier?

(keys jingling) (door closes) (exhales): Do you want something?

I've still got all that tea you sent.

Is that Celia's?

No, I like to display the work of other children on my wall.

(chuckles) It's beautiful.

Alice.

Can you say what you came to say, please?

Tea would be helpful.

(water running) (switch clicks) Shouldn't you be wearing a ring?

I didn't wear it today.

Where's your I.D.

necklace?

I'd outgrown that.

(kettle running) So, I met him at a charity event.

I started going to them out of this weird philanthropic urge I was getting.

It turns out they're just thinly veiled singles nights, really.

And tax-deductible.

What does he do?

He's a footballers' agent.

Okay, did not see that coming.

Me, neither.

(chuckles) What's he like?

And don't be expansive.

You, you know, he's, like...

Handsome and strapping?

I don't... What... That's it?

You said not to be expansive.

Be slightly more expansive than that, please.

Okay, um...

Funny, clever, lovely, passionate, brilliant at his job... Yeah, okay, that's-- yeah, that's expansive enough, I think.

So, he knew my company, and he gave me some money to run, and I felt really good around him.

And then, um, we started dating.

And I just...

I just woke up one day, and realized that I was actually quite happy?

And I think he must have been, too, 'cause he proposed.

(chuckles) And then, so I, I thought to myself, well, I can back away from this very unexpected turn of events, or I can brave prosperity.

Like normal people.

So, it happened fast.

We met eight months ago, so, that's not nothing.

So, I mean, what could you possibly want with me, then?

Why do you... Why do you want me there?

Because I do not want to lose you from my life.

(sighs) I want so much for you to understand.

(sighs) Only for you just... ...not to hate me.

I'll never hate you.

I'll just... (inhales) ...try and imagine that you're dead.

And I'll fail and then I'll (muted) my pants every time I walk into a busy bar, that's all.

Would you give me away?

Or be my man of honor?

Alice, I cannot be there.

I can't physically witness it.

I cannot sit there quietly and listen to you promise yourself to another man.

I'm not, I...

It's not gonna happen.

But it won't be real if you're not there.

I don't want it to be real.

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (door opens) (door closes) ♪ ♪ PAUL (punching): Get to the part where you told her to (muted) off!

Where you ran into the hallway, stood at the top of the stairs, and told her to go (muted) in her hat!

I have two choices here: the path of acceptance or the path of anger.

Anger!

Anger every time!

Blow acceptance out your arse!

Anyone can get angry.

It's the path of acceptance that marks a person.

As a prat!

If you did this to her, you'd be arrested!

It might actually be better for me.

If I see it, it might help me to move on.

Move on now-- pretend you've seen it, you stupid bastard!

I do want her to be happy.

With you!

You want her to be happy with you!

Otherwise, you want her to be absolutely miserable!

(people talking, sparring in background) (phones ringing in background) ♪ ♪ Alice?

Alice!

♪ ♪ ALICE: I'll see you when I come back down.

(people talking in background) (clears throat) ♪ ♪ Jack, open up, I just want to say welcome to you and your guest, your uninvited guest, your date... And your suit of armor, your beard.

Hello!

Well.

You could've just written "Celia."

Bothered you a bit, did it?

(chuckles) Juvenile.

Bravo, bravo to you, Jack.

Thank you.

Piece of cake.

(quietly): Look at you!

Look at you!

(growls playfully) Hiya.

Hi.

Oh, my God, she said hi.

She did.

Hiya.

(chuckles): Shall we spell your name?

CELIA: Yes!

ALICE: Yes, okay.

C. Yes!

Ah.

Yes!

CELIA: I?

ALICE (laughs): Yes!

You're so good at this, my God!

I couldn't even do it as fast as you.

DANNY (knocking): Hello!

Hey!

You know, I found you.

Um, we're wanted in the, uh, garden, yeah, more pictures.

ALICE: Oh, God, we've got a needy photographer.

(laughs) Um... Love, this is Jack.

Oh, hey, pleased to meet you.

JACK: Congratulations-- you, too.

Congratulations.

Oh, thank, yeah, thank you.

Thank you and thank you, thank you for coming.

No worries.

And this little treasure is Celia.

Hello, Celia.

Hello.

My God, she is fantastic.

Would she like to be flower girl?

There's an excellent crown of roses in it just for you.

If you sign on.

Although I'm pretty sure you can have them anyway, eh?

She never says no to a crown of roses.

Okay, you stay there, right there.

Well, Jack, please join.

And bring Celia.

We'll make sure you get some prints.

ALICE: Yes!

Oh, thank you very much, that's very nice.

DANNY: Not at all-- you're the man of honor.

Look, it's just back to the left... Mm-hmm.

...as you come out the rear end of the property.

You can't miss it, all right?

Okay, cool.

(snaps) Thank you.

We'll see you there, yeah?

See ya.

ALICE: Bye, Celia!

Bye.

CELIA: Bye.

(Jack sighs) Okay.

(grunts) (exhales) Come here, come closer to me, my love, there we go.

Okay, smile.

(shutter clicks) ALICE: Another one.

So, uh, Alice told me you were part of the Hashimoto's team.

Yeah-- you know about Hashimoto's?

Yeah, my sister has it.

Before your work, the only treatment was Synthroid to perpetuity.

That's exactly right.

So, what's it like?

You know, doing things that change people's lives, as opposed to just entertaining them?

I think sports help people a great deal.

Yeah, you might be right.

See, mostly I come at it from the side of the players.

Were you a player yourself?

Yeah.

Not a very good one.

(both chuckle) Look, if it's all right to say so, Jack... Hm?

...I have enormous respect for the fact that you're here.

I don't think I could have done it, you know, had the roles been reversed.

And you actually seem nice, which is obviously a nightmare.

Alice's happiness now is only possible because you showed her that happiness is a possibility.

The rest is just luck and timing.

(guests laughing) EMIL: So, uh, I was Danny's first client, which is how I got the best man gig.

That and the fact that, as you can see, most of the others are not presentable.

(others laughing) Alice, if Danny's our big brother, after tomorrow's ceremony, you'll be our big sister.

(others sigh) We are so glad to have this arse(muted) off the streets.

(others laugh) As are the police.

(all laugh loudly) Um, Alice and Danny, my big brother and sister, I just wanted to say, here's to incest.

(all laughing, exclaiming): Cheers!

Jack, did you want to say a few words?

Hm?

No, no.

MAN: Yeah, come on, Jack.

Uh, our man of honor, Jack Caine.

(guests cheer and applaud) (Jack clears throat) Oh, uh, hello, everybody.

Sorry, I've, um, I've not got anything prepared.

(chuckles): Somehow this is the only thing that Maya left out of her field manual.

No, no, speeches weren't actually part of the plan, so...

Sorry.

No, but it's fine.

Oh, go ahead, obviously.

Okay, uh, well, as you can see, I'm, um, I'm part of the Alice, uh, crowd, obviously, but it has been terrific to meet Danny.

He seems like a, a lovely man, uh, kind, funny, and smart enough even to keep up with Alice most days, which is no small thing.

(others laugh) So... For those of you who have not spent a lot of time with Alice, uh, but are about to, I hope you are prepared for the fact that you are about to lose every argument, even if you have the stronger case.

(others laugh) Uh...

I hope you're ready to have your mind read on a regular basis, which is terrifying, but a humbling experience.

I think you should be prepared for the strange fact that when Alice is around, you're never aware of the passage of time.

Be ready for nothing to make sense, and yet for everything to make sense.

Do not be alarmed, my friends, this is all perfectly normal.

It's not normal.

(others laugh softly) It's, it is wildly better than normal, it's...

It's wonderful.

So, uh, this is just a long way of saying, Danny, do not (muted) this up.

(all laughing) Tomorrow at noon, take this amazing person's hand and never let it go.

Remember to be grateful, because you have been kissed by the stars.

And stay fit and healthy, because you are going to want to live forever.

To Danny and to Alice, everybody, the bride and groom.

ALL: To the bride and groom!

(people talking in background) You okay, hm?

What did you say?

(softly): Cheers.

(glasses clink) (people talking in background) ♪ When I was a child I knew ♪ ♪ That the stars could only get brighter ♪ ♪ That we could get closer ♪ ♪ Leaving this darkness behind ♪ (song continues) (people talking in background) (singer vocalizing) ♪ Now that I'm older ♪ ♪ The stars shed light upon my face ♪ ♪ But when I find myself alone ♪ ♪ Find myself alone, ooo ♪ ♪ Now that I'm older ♪ ♪ The stars shed light upon my face ♪ ♪ But when I find myself alone ♪ ♪ I feel like I'm ♪ (music continues in distance) (Jack exhales, floor creaks) Hey, are you ready for bed?

Good night, birds, good night, bees, good night, plants... Good night... Good night, trees.

BOTH: Good night, all of Forest Gate.

We hope you're happy and life is great.

Very good.

You sleep well, okay?

Lesson number 317, Celia: don't grow up.

(knock at door) Hey.

(whispers): Can I come in?

(whispers): I've got a, a sleeping child in there.

Where's Danny?

Oh, he's in his room.

We're sleeping in separate rooms, just for tonight.

Old school.

(chuckles) Do you want to, do you want to talk out here?

Yeah.

Thank you.

For what you said tonight.

No.

You know, I was glad to say it.

Say it in front of those people, put it on the record.

Can I tell you what I think happened?

And I'm sorry that I haven't said this before, but I just didn't understand it until now.

I did fall in love with Danny.

(breath trembles) (whispering): But you weren't there.

To provide context, you know?

And now you are here.

And you came even though... (swallows) ...I hurt you.

(exhales) You said those beautiful things nobody else could have thought to say.

But I, I really just wanted a Valium.

(chuckles) Do you think there's something wrong with Danny?

I met him 13 hours ago, I... No, yeah, no.

I'm sorry, this is probably not an easy conversation for you to have.

Oh, it's, it's really easy.

(both chuckle) I just don't really have anyone else to talk to.

Okay.

Okay.

Let's analyze it.

What could be wrong with Alice's groom, Danny?

What are the three big ones?

Is he a Nazi?

(chuckles) Is he secretly married already?

Is he missing a penis?

(laughs) Please say it's the last one.

He doesn't like to scratch my back.

Pardon me?

You know, vertical motions from the side, moving toward the spine...

He doesn't like to do that.

You know, studies have shown that 99 out of 100 people experience high anxiety the night before their wedding.

No, studies haven't.

No, studies haven't, I made that up, but surely most people do.

And surely you have more reason than most.

And that just makes you even more of a hero, as far as I'm concerned.

But I don't think that I am the right person for you to be figuring this out with.

I think I've got too much skin in the game, I... You might have to work this out on your own.

But it's okay, 'cause you have tonight and you have the morning.

And I will knock on your door at a quarter to 12 tomorrow, right on Maya's ruthless schedule, and whatever you've decided, you will have my full support.

(clicks tongue) You okay?

(whispers): Last one.

(door closes) (whispering): What if what's wrong with him is that he's not you?

(exhales) ♪ ♪ MAYA: Right!

Minutes away.

Where's Celia?

Oh, she's in the barn, rehearsing her petal throw.

She's the belle of the ball.

Okay.

So, to review.

Hm.

You and Alice will leave the main building as the noon bells sound.

Mm-hmm.

You'll keep a sprightly pace, so you arrive at the barn as the bells conclude.

"Send not to know for whom..." Please don't interrupt.

Sorry.

You'll hand Alice off to me, Celia will scatter her petals, you'll go down the aisle, and you'll take your place audience left, which is vicar right.

Right.

Great, then we have 40 seconds to rest.

(breathes deeply) (people talking in background) She couldn't have done any of this without you, Maya.

I know.

She offered me ten grand just to plan it and crack the whip.

Wow.

Yeah.

And I didn't take a penny.

Because I'll be friends with this woman if it kills me.

Me, too.

Yeah.

What's next for you, Jack?

What do you mean?

What I mean is, I'm not an idiot.

I've paid attention.

I don't know.

Spend the next 40 years stamping out my naive romantic idealism.

Don't.

(tablet alarm beeps, Maya sighs) Jack.

Yeah.

Go.

MAYA: Right!

♪ ♪ Hey, Danny.

Get out of the (muted) way!

(breath trembling) (breath trembling) Alice?

(sighs) (sighs) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ (people talking, phones ringing in background) (phones ringing in background) Maya, will you step in?

How are you today?

Look at this.

Natural gas, oil production, efficiencies are all up and expansion's down.

Okay, my heart's beating through my chest.

(chuckles): Why?

Because we're in an oil bubble.

Yeah, a massive one.

And it's gonna burst.

Get your money together, get everything you can together, tell them to get everything they can together, and I'll pre-pay their year-end bonuses.

'Cause we're gonna just make a (muted) ton.

We're gonna make a (muted) ton.

Whichever's more.

I think it's (muted) ton.

(laughs) ♪ ♪ (car horn honks) (cell phone ringing) (ringing stops) (cell phone ringing) (ringing stops) (cell phone rings, stops) (buttons clicking) ALICE (on phone): Jack?

Are you wearing a helmet?

While you're walking?

JACK: No.

What do you want?

You disappeared, Alice.

I haven't heard from you for three years.

I was very worried about you.

I'm sorry.

Mm-hmm-- for a while, I thought maybe you were dead.

I even called Maya and asked her, "Is she dead?"

Did she tell you that?

I was reconstituting.

Mmm.

Can you come to my office?

No.

Why not?

'Cause I'm going to my office.

It's important.

Well, look, I'm going to my office.

If you want to talk in front of my office, then be standing in front of my office when I get to my office.

If not, you can enjoy your office.

You sound different.

I've been reconstituting, too.

ALICE: The price of oil is gonna crash, and when it does, those of us who saw that coming are gonna make a bloody fortune.

Would you like to make a bloody fortune?

I cannot believe this is the conversation you're choosing to have.

Oil futures are settled in dollars, Jack.

And the dollar's going up.

I did everything you asked of me at that wedding and more, and you repaid me with silence.

This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.

That is a signature Alice move, isn't it?

I don't know what you were thinking calling me about this, but I am out of fresh starts.

I disappeared after the wedding because I'm just a (muted) open hazard to you.

And this came up.

And this is bigger.

I'm gonna say this as nicely as I can: go away, please.

Do you have any investable capital?

Like cash or equities?

Because...

It's none of your business.

...if you do, I'll times it by nine or ten.

And I don't care.

Do you understand what this is, Jack?

Guilt.

An apology.

So, when I left the office, Brent Crude was $108.

And when it falls below $100, which it will, we'll be ahead.

How far do you expect the price to fall?

50%?

Five-ze, five-zero?

See, that's a healthy tremor in your voice.

How many contracts would I own?

I mean, depends on how much you want to invest.

And what about your profit?

Oh, I've got thousands of contracts already.

Well, what if it fails?

Well, the price of oil's gonna drop, and it will drop a lot.

Yeah, but if it doesn't.

We'll lose everything.

Okay, you'll hear from me or you won't.

(cell phone dings) (phone buttons clicking) (cell phone dings) ♪ ♪ (phone buttons clicking) (cell phone dings) (breathes deeply) (cell phone dings) ♪ ♪ I sense you don't approve?

Only because you have no idea what you're doing, and your investment adviser is a complete psychotic.

Other than that, huge fan.

Alice is top of her field.

If that field is being a complete psychotic.

It's a different part of the brain.

Yes, no doubt this part is pristine.

It is.

Googled her past performance.

She's an assassin.

That's for sure.

But as I tell Donna every night before we have sex, past performance is no guarantee of future results.

You still have sex every night?

(laughs) Your life is good.

Productive, calm, happy.

All this began as soon as Alice left the picture.

Coincidence?

If this works out, I can give Celia the future she would've had if we'd never been divorced.

This is why God created second husbands.

Let Mark do it.

I don't want Mark to do it.

Mark's done enough.

Celia's fond enough of him as it is.

My mother always told me, "Never give trouble a seat at the table."

You're pulling out trouble's chair for it, Jack.

Is this who you are?

A man who loses faith in the totality of a person because they let you down in one department?

Yes, that's exactly who I am.

I strike their name from the Book of Life, and I burn the pages.

What will it take for you to actually learn your lesson where she's concerned?

I have.

(people calling, talking in background) LYNN: Jesus.

That's okay.

(laughing) Don't worry about it.

I think in the search for our daughter's hidden talents, we can safely cross football off the list.

JACK: How does he have time for this?

Doesn't he work for a living?

It's commercial real estate, Jack.

You know, you buy things, you watch them grow, you collect rent in the meantime.

You see your kids.

Or someone else's.

Oh.

Real estate.

Mm-hmm.

The very idea that a human being with a lifespan of 80 years can own a piece of the Earth... Oh... ...which has been here for four billion... Are you drunk?

...coupled with the shameless fleecing of the underclasses.

He owns upmarket shopping centers, Jack.

Whatever it is.

You know, just don't embarrass yourself.

On his worst day, he's twice the person you'll ever be.

That what you tell Celia?

Oh, I do not have to tell her.

But you do anyway?

(children calling, people talking in background) (sighs): Jesus.

Is that your suicidal oil investment?

Give it time.

It will rise from the dead.

(laughing): Rise from the dead.

Jack, at this moment in time, you have a negative personal net worth.

You are literally less than zero.

(whistle blows) MARK: Okay, that's enough of that, I think.

Well done, that was so good.

(kids yelling) JACK: Hey!

(clapping) Good stuff.

LYNN: Doing so good!

MARK: So good.

(talking in background) MARK: See?

See?

You'll be a pro before you know it.

CELIA: Thanks, Mark.

(exhales) (phones ringing in background) ♪ ♪ MAYA: Oh, my God!

Yes.

It's turned.

Yes, it has.

We're ahead after expenses.

Mm-hmm.

Well, not if you count medical expenses.

I've been ripping out my hair by the fistful.

My God, simmer down.

I don't imagine you'd consider taking an early profit.

Well, you don't imagine correctly.

Yeah, it's just that, you know, there are 24 of us stakeholders, all of us young pups, with our whole lives ahead of us, and we've been breathing through straws all summer, so... Maya, you've got your heel on life's throat.

Enjoy it.

Yeah, yeah, it's a party.

♪ ♪ LYNN: Wait, it's almost December, and it's gone down to $79.

That's, like, five times your investment.

Oil is still falling-- it'll, it'll be worth more.

Oh, my God, you are as greedy financially as you were emotionally.

That's not a very nice thing to say.

This is why I'm a fiscal conservative.

This is why you're a Muppet.

♪ ♪ Come on.

(balls bouncing, sneakers squeaking) Strong work.

It was a joke.

(muttering): Jesus, Jack.

(sighs) (people talking in background) You see this, right?

(phones ringing in background) (breathing heavily) MAN: My God!

♪ ♪ (shouting): Sell!

Sell!

(clapping): Sell!

ALICE: Sell everything!

(all talking loudly) ALICE: Sell everything!

Sell everything!

(mouse clicking) ♪ ♪ (all talking loudly) (all laughing and cheering) (cheering and applauding) (mouse clicking) ♪ ♪ (cheering continues) (roaring): Yes!

Well done... (gasps, laughs) Oh, my, well done, Alice.

You must be, you must be on top of the world.

(Jack sighs) Yeah.

JACK: Oh, man.

Well, let me be the first person just to say thank you.

(exhales): Thank you.

Thank you.

That's all right.

BOTH (screaming): Yeah!

(shouting and cheering) (shouting and cheering continues over phone) ♪ ♪ PAUL: She just made our dreams come true.

We can follow our hearts.

She doesn't decide how I live my life.

Jack Caine, welcome to the program.

Well, I think you're a very good match.

JACK: Okay, there's something I should probably tell you.

DONNA: Don't get sucked right back into that Alice dysfunctionality vortex.

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