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Next Week’s News: Independence Day edition

It’s Fourth of July weekend and that means it’s time for a “Next Week’s News” news-itorial.

Fourth of July is a time to be with family and friends. A time to celebrate our precious freedoms as Americans. And as we learned from earlier in the show, a time to ask ourselves this question:

“Are my neighbors Russian spies?”

This week, the Feds pounced on suspected Russian spies who were living in typical suburban neighborhoods, posing as typical Americans. The lesson? Russian spies are everywhere.

Now, the alleged spies’ neighbors said that these people seemed like average Americans, just like you and me. Or did they? Maybe their woefully unobservant neighbors just weren’t looking for the right clues. This holiday weekend, keep your eyes open for these three telltale signs of Russian spy-ness:

Are your neighbors having a barbecue? Russian spies like to have barbecues where they serve such aggressively American fare as hot dogs and hamburgers to throw you off the scent. But don’t be naive. The minute you go home, they’re breaking out the borscht.

Are they setting off fireworks? Setting off fireworks on the Fourth of July may seem like a typical display of patriotism. Unless you’re a Russian spy, in which case you are testing America’s missile defenses.

And finally, are your neighbors boring? Do they talk incessantly about excruciating topics, like their children? And when they talk, do they use perfectly grammatical English? Well, anyone who speaks like that couldn’t possibly be a product of the American educational system. Verdict? Russian spies.

To review: Barbecue. Fireworks. Boring. If your neighbors are exhibiting even one of these three signs, wrestle them to the ground and call the FBI, pronto. Even if it turns out that they haven’t been spying for the Russians, it’ll teach them not to.

That’s it for “Next Week’s News.” On next week’s show: how to tell if your kids are Russian spies.

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