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Next week’s news: Sarah Palin edition

This week we’re peering a little further into the future: to 2012.

If the presidential election were held today, Sarah Palin would defeat Barack Obama.

That’s according to a new poll published in Mayan Prophecy Weekly.

Here’s what you need to know about a Palin presidency. Her first official act will be to cancel the agreement between nouns and verbs. Next, she’ll replace the English language with Palinese: a language known only to her. Even her husband Todd doesn’t speak it -– although, to be fair, no one has ever heard him speak. We got a little taste of this strange new language last week on her twitter page when she used the word “refudiate.”

Now, when she uses a word like “refudiate,” she may seem incoherent. But in 2012, we’re all going to be talking like this, so we better start learning Palinese now. I figure if we learn three words a day, in two years we might have a shot at understanding her State of the Union address. So let’s begin our lesson in basic Palinese.

Word number one: “mitteracy.”

“Mitteracy” means the ability to read off one’s hand.

Word number two: “rignorance.”

“Rignorance” means advocating deep-water drilling in the aftermath of an ecological disaster that killed thousands of pelicans.

And finally, “mooseacre.”

“Mooseacre” means a really fun day in the great outdoors.

That’s our lesson in Palinese for today. Now, you may be wondering: Where does Sarah Palin find all these new words of hers? In a little book called the fictionary.

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