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Next Week’s News with Andy Borowitz

Here at PBS, we like to stay on top of the hottest high-tech gadgets, from desktop computers to cellular phones to the latest Sony Walkman with auto-reverse.

Well, there’s a boatload of new gizmos coming on the market next week, and as the kids say, they’re going to rock your world.

Check this out: Do you have a neighbor who likes to come over and bore you to tears about the new deck he’s adding to his house?  Then you’ll want one of these: the personal “containment dome,” from Stifle-Ex™.

The first containment dome for home use, this soundproof big-boy drops from the ceiling and, just like that, say goodbye to tedium!

Now, let’s say you’re a Republican senator and you want to trash the president’s latest judicial appointee, but you don’t know anything about her record.  Well, good news: there’s an app for that! Thanks to this new iPhone app, the iObject, you can generate negative rhetoric in nanoseconds — no facts required!

Have you noticed that when you make presentations at work, you don’t seem to grab the attention of the younger people in the room? Well, you may want to try the Powerpoint Auto-Tune. It gives you that hip, cool robot voice that kids these days totally dig.  Check it out.

And finally, something for you parents out there.  If you’ve got kids like I do, that means one thing: excruciating 3-D chipmunk movies.  You know what I’m talking about. I don’t know about you, but nothing freaks me out like the sight of chipmunks flying off the screen towards my head.

But thanks to these 2-D Neutralizer specs, you can tolerate the next “Squeakquel” in soothing 2-D.  Sweet!

Well, that’s all we have time for.  Until next week, this has been “Next Week’s News.”