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Next Week’s News with Andy Borowitz

Now, normally, the Next Week’s News segment is 90 seconds long, but PBS asked me to devote 70 of those seconds to pledge week. They originally wanted eighty seconds, but I bargained them down.

We hope you’ll continue your support of public television, which is like public radio that you can see. And to show our thanks, we’re offering you these awesome pledge week premiums.

First, we’ve got this amazing 10-DVD set, “Ken Burns’s Ken Burns.” From master storyteller Ken Burns comes the life story of Ken Burns as only Ken Burns can tell it: over the course of forty hours. Be the first person to watch it all the way to the end.

“Ken Burns found himself at home, checking his e-mail. He had gotten a message from his aunt Kathy who let him know that she had received the thank you card he sent her, expressing gratitude for the sweater vest she had gotten him for his birthday. Upon hearing this, Ken made his way downstairs to make himself a sandwich…”

And you won’t want to miss out on this: a collection of the greatest bloopers and outtakes from that PBS classic, “Masterpiece Theatre.”

“Charles Dickens penned his Masterpiece ‘Bleak House’ in 1854 … Did I say 1854?  I meant 1853!  Oh dear!  My bad!  That’s me, my bad!”

Now, here are some special premiums for you Need to Know fans out there. Go to bed in style and comfort just like Jon Meacham does with a set of authentic Jon Meacham pajamas from the “Jonathan’s Secret” collection.

And finally, the craze that’s sweeping the country: the Need to Know drinking game, deluxe home edition. Do a shot every time Alison or Jon says the phrase “Need to Know.” Whoa!  I’m already wasted!

Well, that’ll do it for our pledge week premiums. And now, as promised, that leaves me with 20 seconds for Next Week’s News. The number one story of next week: by a 5-4 vote, the Supreme Court will decide that the Gores have to stay married.