The major change is a reminder to keep the focus on the dying person and not somehow on me. (I know that sounds strange, but that behavior was reported by a friend whose mother (also my good friend) is dying.) I'm planning to take another trip to see this friend as soon as I can, since I want to talk with her before she goes.

The other reminder was how universal this experience is. I'm 50 now, and death has become more of a constant companion than before (when I was 21, I was, of course, immortal). I think the best thing I can do is stop and do the things I can do. Read, talk, listen, be silent...those things.

And love, the most important thing. Important, because I can do this, because it will cut through the fear. But it's directed. Christ certainly said and did that. And St. John of the Cross said, "In the evening of our lives, we will be judged on how we have loved alone."

And one thing that's true as far as applying what I saw and heard was that my grieving for my father was exactly along the lines of what the hospice head told the Kelly boy, that you'll want to tell the person something, and that person will be gone. I'm still a member of the human race.

Frank
VA

My twin sister was 38 when she was diagnosed with a brain tumor. After surgery she had a stroke. After 6 months in the hospital for surgeries and therapy, she came back home to live with our 75 year old mother who is legally blind. Being I was the closest to my sister, I took over taking care of her bills and seeing that she got thru this. I am married and my children were 17 and 20 at the time. After moving them from the family home to a townhome everything was going along good. After a short time, my sister started falling and loosing continence. We never discussed my sisters wishes, what she wanted if she became unable to take care of herself. In my mind, my sister was going to get some therapy, and lick this. It wasnt long before I had to hire aids to help out. At the suggestion of her doctor we brought in hospice. I still must of been in denial, but the help was needed. The hospice that was brought in, fought me every step of the way. I couldnt take her to my daughter's gradua

is too dangerous". The point of contact wanted to be my mother. She understood what I was going thru. The problem was she didnt know what I was going thru. My sister started having problems and I called the doctor who told be to call 911. I told the doctor that I was not suppose to being that she was on hospice. The doctor told me to call 911 anyway. My sister was taken to a hospital in the city who had their own hospice. Even though I was not suppose to call 911, it was the best thing I ever did in my life. The old hospice was like a boat anchor. We were now free to make joint decisions, not hospice decisions.

I never discussed with my sister anything about dying. What questions that I could get answered were by talking about someone else and getting her imput. Like I took my sister to a memorial service of a good friend who was cremated. I told her that that was not something I would want and she said she wouldnt like that either and we got on the subject of what I would want and she voiced her opinion, which told me what she would want.

Watching my sister die was the worst thing that I have been thru. Hospice couldnt of been better. I felt the book about dying that we were given was the pits. I read the book and when I looked at my sister that is what I thought about, is she dying, is she showing the signs. My other 2 siblings who live within 20 miles were no help at all. My brother's must of had the idea that our sister could go to the store and pick up her needs, clean herself up,make her meals,get her meds, ect. My one brother stated that he would not clean her up, but offered no other ways he could lend a hand. The other brother offered to help, but it would be around his tight schedule. My sister died, at home. I know that my sister died with dignity and peace. What I did for my sister was worth every second. I had the support of my wife who was always there to help.

I have many questions that will go unanswered. Did my sister know she was dying? What gives a caregiver the right to tell the tell the patient they are dying?

Iam glad there are shows like what you presented to open peoples eyes to the fact that these are things that need to be talked about. No one can guess what someones wishes are. I know that I did the right thing by calling 911, because my sister had 6 more quality months.

I made a judgment call and it worked out. Family has to be advised that this is a hugh undertaking and that all help is needed. Hospice should be there as an addition, not to take control. From the get go, the family should be advised that not all the people that are associated with the their hospice program will click with the family, and the family should feel free to voice their opions, because this is the families journey, not hospice.

Gary
Minnesota

I watched the program with interest because about 18 months ago, I lost my mother to ovarian cancer. We had hospice and they were wonderful. All of us pulling together made the end of her life special and meaningful. Being told what would happen, what to do and the things to watch for made it somewhat easier. My sister, Billie and I, and our children (her three grandchildren) never left her during those last three weeks of her life. We wrapped her in her favorite quilts,sang and laughed and talked and hugged. The day she died, January 27, 1999, her grandson was at her head, one granddaughter was laying beside her, the other granddaughter was at her feet and my sister and I were kneeling beside her. We told her it was okay to go, that we loved her and would miss her terribly, but that it was our sister, Linda's turn (She died in 1971) to have her. The night before, she couldn't say very much, but as my sister and I knelt beside her bed, she reached out and patted our faces, then closed her ey

Shirley
Texas

I had a lung transplant 3 years ago and am now in rejection. I am facing death if this is not resolved. I am comfortable with my own death. And after my husband and I watched this, it allowed us to discuss his feelings towards my death at home. It is what I would like, now I know he is comfortable with it also. We feel that I lived here, why not die here in the one place I have had comfort and support for all these years? We rejoice at someone's birth, we should rejoice at their death. it is all a part of lifes plan.

Thank you for having such programs on the air.

Brenda
South Carolina

we must stop viewing death as an end. earth, and perhaps the universe we currently experience, are but a single stop in a continuous journey.

as we trust we will eventually move on from where we are, so we must learn to trust that our next pause will offer joys and challenges of its own.

the outlook we choose determines the experience we have here. when we can choose to focus on joy wherever we are, we will know that joy will be our experience wherever we go.

Nancy
CA

i am a two time cancer surviver and have watched my mother-in-law and brother-in-law pass away in the last two years of different types of cancer the suffering i saw effected me deeply i wanted them to live and watching their bodies give out was the hardiest for me . i have had stage threee breast cancer and uterine cance and wonder is this my future ? iam doing well but not a fool i know wehat can happen to me . Sometimes i think it can be too much information for one person to handle. I personally have had alot of very strong treatment which seem to give me more problems the uterine cancer cam e from tamioxfen yes it was early very early but should the treatments be just as toxic as the cancer?? I now have weaking bones and need joint replacement from hig h dose chemo ( stem cell ) i had know history of breast cancer in my family so i wonder alot of why me ?? i personally have learned alot from all the bad things that can happen to people . i knew i had strength but not like this .Did i for

i wish all out there battling this disease and other life threating diseases peace and joy and good wishes hope is a wonderful medience

thanks nora
nj

Having faced the posibility of dying as the result of having ovarian cancer,I was most anxious to learn if anyone had come to terms with their life and how they live it as the result of having a life threatening disease. I have never discussed this concern to any degree with anyone. So I am opening up to strangers. I find beauty in every day things, trees, flowers, birds, good food and friends. My close friends are few but very special. Should my time

come soon I would not like the pain, but pain is part of the process if you have cancer. I found when I was going through my chemo treatments, the doctors had little time or compassion. As of today I am three years in remission.

Lois
California

I was diagnosed with Adenocarcinoma in 1992.It was in my overies and in the colon. I had surgery and chemo. Two years later it came back on the liver, surgery again&Tomoxifin. Two years later it appeared in the abdominal wall. Surgery&chemo.Now it's back, five tumors in the abdomen,two of these on the liver.I'm on chemo again with very little hope this time. I am a christian. I'm o.k. sometimes I'm sad and feel alone.I have awonderful family and very supportive too.I get scared but try to be brave for thier sake.I get pretty tired of this.Does anyone else feel like this?

Zanola
Fla.

I am frustrated..I have been looking for information under counsel, mourning and afterlife and have found nothing that speaks to my Christian belief system..Why? Will you be adding some helpful Christian viewpoints as well?

Minnesota

I lost my mother 11 monthsw ago. I can't say anything ccan help me get through this phase of my live. I lost my best friend,best cheerleader and a big part of me.

Lee
Florida

I caught the end of "With Eyes Open," and found it to be very similiar to my experiences in the deaths of both my parents. Hospice was involved and were so incredibly caring, compasionate and knowledgeable. Like the family on the show, we were all together when dad died. It was an experience like no other...A real bonding experience for my family. I look forward to watching the entire program when it is on again.

Audrey
MA

As Joyce's sister on the segment "Grief and Healing" I want to thank KQED, Wendy Hanamura, Frank Osteseski for including Joyce in this segment. I look upon this as a wonderful gift that Joyce and you have given to our family. This was a very spiritual experience for Joyce and has led to another spiritual experience which will help her through her final journey whenever that takes place.

Pat
CA

The program(s) are fantastic. In fact, I'm determined that I'll change my career from computer technician/consultant to care for the dying. My question is how would I be able to actually continue paying my mortgage and buying food with such a non-related skill set. I'll have to consider this. My age is 46, so I'm not ready to go to nursing school; however my intuitive, listening, and compassionate skills are above average, so I've been told all of my life. Is there anyone in the field who may guide this intended career change in a very practical manner (single parent with many bills to pay and food to buy!).

Gayle
New Mexico

I am a Hospice Volunteer and it pleases me to see the accuratecy with which this story was reported. I believe that there can be positive relationships formed during the dying process and that it can also serve as a beginning to the healing that will come from mourning.

Natalie
TN

I am viewing these shows 7 months after my husband of 16 years died. It is with sadness but comfort to hear so many positive attitides in dealing with the death of a loved one. We talked openly about his wishes, which relieved me of making many hard decisions in a time of sorrow. His love for me to relieve me of the burden of decisions was healpful.

Being open and honest was a relief for us both. He was not able to get his children (adults) to listen and they have had a difficult time. I am very sad with his death but am satisfied I did everything, before and after his death, the way he had directed. This gives me great peace. Thank you for having the courage to approach this matter openly and honestly.

Mary Jane
Illinois

I lost my sister to cancer on September 1, 2000. She had been ill for more than an year. Her battle began in earnest last August with radiation therapy. Although the radiation stopped th growth of tumors in her lungs, the cancer spread to her liver, then, a month ago, to her brain. She suffered horribly, particularly the past 6 months or so with the treatment. The treatment turned out to be useless. Indeed, I don't know that it even prolonged her life.

After watching the first two episodes, I wish that I had seen it sooner. Although I believe that she had a very good oncologist, I think the last round of chemo and the final attempt at radiation therapy were needlessly futile attempts to fend off the inevitable. After watching the peditiatrion face his demise, I can't help but feel that her last months on earth could have been spent more fruitfully facing her death. I also feel that her family would have benefited from the time with her. Tonight's episode particularly brought that home.

I know this is hindsight. I know that I am second guessing, but I keep thinking of the pain and suffering she went through in the final months. It seems all so unnecessary.

Finally, I would like to say that the folks from Hospice are truly heaven sent. They made my sister's last hours comfortable. They also told us what to expect and helped us to prepare for the end. They provided an invaluable service to my family.

Frank
TX

yes it has i realize that this is part of living, and to know when to let go . dignity of dying

Barbara
Fl.

to die: in my sleep, like the songs "gambler"; to die/depart like don Juan sparked into the cosmos; live-racing down our fate divined path to meet it headon; a hambone burial delivered to the coyotes for recycle; an adventure ... a dream ... fact of life ... i hope the program will assist me to be more consiously considerate of those,knowlingly near death, that I come in contact with ... to date it has been to thoughtfully detach. a wondering-wanderer.

Bill
Texas

Thank you for the series, On Our Own Terms. My husband lost his battle of six years with Congestive Heart Failure on Jan. 1, 2000. He died on HIS own terms with no heroic measures during his illness or at the end.

As his wife of more than 44 years, it was an honor to take care of hime. During his illness, especially the last three years, we became closer than ever.

The points brought out in the On Our Own Terms and those on With Eyes Open, gave me a sense of comfort and for that I thank you. I'll continue watching the rest of the programs with anticipation to learning whether I could have done more for Joe.

I did the best I could as his sole caregiver until his death. It wasn't easy but I'd do it all over again if I could, just to still have him here.

Love does not die when one passes over to the other side. We are still together in spirit and will be until I go to join him at the end on my life, whenever that may come.

Paula
California

I have enjoyed your show very much, my wife died from cancer 5 months ago, she had cancer for 7 years and went threw a very hard time, also in the last 7 years my dad died and I also lost my mother-in-law also. Keep up the good work.....

John
Nf, Canada

well about my attitude it has never changed about dying but my primary doctor has told me he would not foloow my wishes so i told him i would move to oregan where they have suicide docs that would help me die on ,y own terms and he told me not to move cause they offen will do it evevn if your not terminal.well i am dying from hep c but am on the transplant list now but have been turned down at some transplant centers cause i dont fall under there criteria,but i am not sure i want the transplant now cause my doc keep telling me i will probably die and suffer while waiting for a transplant but i am readt to die now i am suffering too much at times and pain mangement well thats a joke here cause some my docs dont belive in that they want me do bio feed back and alternative medicine na d say that if i belive and live and change the way i live god will heal me.what do you think?

Mary
Texas

After watching "With Eyes Open" I understand so much more. I cried alot because my Mom is dying. I know understand why she wanted to come home. Why she wants me with her all the time. She cared for me as a very sick child, and now I care for her. She is not afraid to die and really wants to die. I learned that she needs full closure to her life, then she may pass. I look forward to holding her hand when she takes her last breathe.

This show gave me some peace. Thank You

Sandy
New Jersey

My attitude has not changed, both of my parents have passed away from cancer, my father last year. He was like the man describing a battle.

I wrote four lines to my parents and cried.

Marlin
CO

The benefits from this series will be many I hope, particularly in opening up discussion about death, and the struggles we all face losing or caring for loved ones, friends... I was enormously touched by the first segment.. it was beautifully done. Just when I think I have finally grokked death's lessons, I see how many more reminders I need about compassion, honesty, not wasting time. Thank you.

Susan
CA

Our family needs to discuss this more, both in regards to my very able 90 year old mother and about my own wishes with my children.

My husband died almost four years ago. It was a death everyone would wish for, but at an older age. He died at home with all his family and very little pain. He had control of all body functions and was not medicated. The cause of death was leukemia cells attacking his brain. The doctor was not expecting his death so soon, he was receiving chemo.

Debbie

my husband and i watched in silent absorption. both thinking that we need to encourage our famillies to share with us. especially hubby's family as his mom nears another change in her living situation. of course,one never knows does one?

Cassedy
South Carolina

you can plan and plan, but each situation is different from anything you planned.No one can know the future. Live in the present..

Estelle
Texas

I was raised in a home where death and dying were celebrated and discussed openly. As an ICU nurse I deal with dying patients on a regular basis. I have noticed that most of my colleagues are too insensitive when it comes to death. It has become so matter of fact. This is why this series is WONDERFUL it will open peoples eyes and hopefully their hearts as well. I am hoping to start a pilot program to reeducate the nurses and doctors I work with to the finer and joyous parts of working with the dying patients as well as their familles. It is a privilege to be able to provide care and compassion to both my patients and families. thank you for enabling this topic to be openly discussed.

Sue
NC

I can't describe my feelings as "change of attitude toward death & dying". It's more like more absorption of the reality of mortality, more conscious contemplation on how I will handle my own death if put in that position. I'm still absorbing all that the program contained. I've lost both my parents and my husband within a 5 year period and am feeling quite battered.

Linda
Virginia

Question: Why is there no reference to Christian beliefs regarding life after death? Instead, some very strange and bizarre stories about the funeral rites of tribes and people in far-flung places are provided in the instruction and resource area, yet Jewish practices are included. Have watched the show from start to finish each night, and have found it absolutely wonderful, but I am definitely seeing a bias against Christians. Why is that, Bill Moyers?

Gretchen
SC

I downloaded the advance directive form for my state and will complete it!

Tina
VA

Thank you for airing "With Eyes Wide Open". Listening to this program has given me pause to think about my own mother's and father's death. I have often missed them and even find myself talking to them and listening as they tell me what they think - as I recall words they used many times when they were alive. But I have never found myself wishing that they hadn't died. It was this program that made me realized why I had never wished that they hadn't died. Each of my parents gave their children a marvelous gift as their lives were coming to a close. My father, who died several years prior to my mother simply said to me - Everyone wants me to try and live and I don't want to - I responded without much forethought - If you can't make your own decision to live or die, I guess life isn't worth living. My father died soon after that. As my mother aged, I found myself wanting to talk with her about death. Because I wanted to know what and how she felt and thought about dying . Really I wanted

hall of older people, who it seemed, no one ever visited and her 20 some different types of medicine. When I informed the doctor, he told me she would never be able to be admitted to another hospital in the area. But instinctively we knew that would not be necessary. Back in her familiar surroundings her medicine was limitied "for comfort" Her ranting stopped. And she had wonderful conversations. She died peacefully a week later. The final gifts my parents gave to myself and my brothers were very clear signals of what they wanted. And I think that we were able to hear them, because their values where spoken and acted out loudly with every action of their daily lives. Some of these actions were pleasant and others were not, but in the end we knew our parents as real people. I can only wish that my children will know me well enough to hear what I am saying when important decisions are required. And I hope to give them the same gift which was so simply given to me. The understanding that life has

THANK YOU FOR THIS PROGRAM, I BELIEVE THAT IT IS ENHANCING MAN'S JOURNEY TO HUMANITY .

Kathleen
Texas

This has been an incredible series so far. I work in healthcare and deal with life and death everyday I am at work. By watching this series, it has helped me reassure myself that I have been doing the right things in helping families deal with death and the process of dying.

Thanks again!

David
CA

What I saw on,[With Eyes Open], was what I experienced two years ago when my wife died. While in the last stages of cancer my wife hugged each individual in her family, laid back on her bed and expired within two to three minutes. I hope to go the same way. Hospice was an integral part of her going in such a beautiful manner.

Bob
CA

I have watched my husband die of cancer. Your program could have been about us. Our family was here and we did have time to share our love and say our goodbyes. My husband was given pain medication and did slip into a coma. His breathing was just as you described. It was a relief tonight to find out that it was not uncomfortable for him. No one had explained that to me and it did sound as if he was gasping for air and I was just praying that it could be over for him. And finally it was.

Bill Moyers, thank you for doing this program. I wish everyone could have the opportunity to see it.

I will be sure my doctor understands my wishes, now while I am healthy and can be sure those wishes are understood. I will also be sure that she knows my children and that they will clearly understand my wishes and can relay those wishes to the doctor if I am not able to.

Joan
CA

I work at an alzheimers care unit for 2 1/2 years and i have seen a few people die. I have not been put in the position of having to chose what to do in the case of a dying relative. I have watched other people go through it qne I have witnessed some remarkable personal stories around the issue of death and dying I am of the opinion that death is just another stage in life and that extraordinary measures should not be taken. In watching "With Eyes Wide Open" this still gets very tricky. There are a lot of grey areas. I think that it comes down a to quality of life and whether they would want to live like this.

Jamie
WA

I will discuss, openly, with my children, my wish to die peacefully. No major attempts to bring me back,no matter what the doctors say.

I am going to be 70, working and very independent...I will cause my children to visit me every day (like they are now doing with their father, who is in a nursing home, one day you think he is "the old dad", the other, an old man with no quality of life, but his heart and lungs are doing fine.

I will double check my Living Will and will do all that is possible to make it say what I want it to say.

Iris
CA

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