I have had many major accidents and illnesses throughout my life of 48 years. Death is not new to me. It walks beside me and puts an urgency into everything I do. I used to wonder why I lived through so many things. Once a nurse at my bedside said, "You don't know how good it is to see you have a pulse." Later the doctor sat on the foot of my bed and just stared into my eyes. I knew he wondered where I had been. He said, "I can't believe you're alive." At that time words were so far short of relaying the experience, I remained silent a lot. I cannot stand to waste time. But concurrently is an inability to use time as productively as I would like due to chronic pain.

Loneliness is a huge part of my life for which your program could act as a lifeline. I can never answer the question, which is an American greeting, "How are you?" I cannot tell even my spouse because the pain is at a level which causes fear of expense, resentment of inability to complete various activities, accusations of complaining too much. I would like very much to see groups for support of those of us who cannot be "fixed". Good, bad, or otherwise, I look fine to others. The pain is in my entire spine, including neck and head. It radiates at different time through my hands, arms, legs, chest, etc. Sometimes breathing is very difficult,whether from the pain or because of damage from pneumonia that almost got me too, I don't know. I guess I keep sane because I know the pain will shift location and intensity. That gives a certain relief because the pain leaves an area that was really getting to me. So what if it goes elsewhere. It's a jouney it travels through me and it doesn't take the same r

I also hate to complain because I know others are much worse off. Someone always is. It's a sort of flow with only gray areas. We all have problems. I just would like someone somewhere to offer me some love and comfort with no reciprocating demands up front first. I would like to be able to take pain medicine as I feel necessary for "days off". My doctor says he's afraid I'd be addicted if he gave me what I needed since this is a long term situation.

I see why people seek assisted deaths or commit suicide. I would never be judgemental of them. You cannot know what others are suffering. I feel that no matter how long one lives, time here in the touching world is short in the overall energy flow. Therefore, one must utilize each moment to do what is dearest to you and most helpful and enlightening to our progress as a civilization which cares for one another. The frustration comes when the way seems blocked on that path to help and the energy is failing for the struggle to continue. Once again the age old question appears, "Why?" Am I on the wrong path or is it not worthy? If either be the case, why did I live this long? There is no guide in the ether. And maybe that's what it's all about. Discovering your true soul which guides you.

Dee
IN

I am a mother of 5 and a widow of 4 years. My youngest was 9 and the oldest was 20 when my husband died of cancer. I am afraid we made it look too easy. He was able to stay home. Terminal cancer be came everyday to us as a family. We found that honesty to all ages in the family was the number one priority even until the end. I find it ironic that I am now a RN in a PICU and will soon be working to start a pediatric hospice group in our area. Life takes strange turns. But then life is a journey, and not a destination.

Nisi
CA

I lost my son to aids 10 years ago and i still cannot discuse it. i still live with the grief and loss of him. Does it ever go away.

Pauline
British Columbia. Canada

I can't say that the program has "changed" my attitude toward death and dying--but seeing death discussed and faced for a two hour period makes it all so much more real.

Chuck
CA

I am interested in whether the problem affecting the lady who said her father had a rare neurological disease was primary progressive aphasia. My own father, who is 82 and a retired university professor, has this disease, and it is a terrible one. Is there a way that I can find out? Thank you.

Susan
California

I have lost three of the most important people in my life to sudden death, two of them in a different town.

My sister died this April alone in her home, 300 miles away, and was discovered by police when her neighbors became concerned. We've had no chance to prepare, to help her to a "good death." Now we only have this empty place in our family, and it's so sad. the progams on death haven't touched on this issue, but I'm sure others have suffered these sudden losses.

Peggy
Washington

rm.lvti@worldnet.att.net

If anyone is interested, I have a very encouraging Bible based brochure entitled "When Someone You Love Dies". It not only discusses the mourning process but also shares a very hopeful view of the future based on your own copy of the Bible. There are scriptures cited for you to look up so that you can see that the information is trustworthy as it is coming from the Bible itself. There is no charge for the brochure and I would be happy to send it to any one who is interested, as I feel it can truly be of comfort to anyone who has lost a loved one in death. Please email me at the above address if you would be interested in reading this.

I am losing my father to cancer. My main concern now is how my mother can be helped through this process. I am more aware after this program that all the advice and "help" I may be trying to give her should become more of a listening and understanding session. She needs me to listen no invalidate what she is going through with my quick fixes yet well meaning contributions.

Elena
California

I was told in November of 1997 that I had lung cancer with a 5-10% chance of survival. At no time did I think that I would not beat it. During the chemo and radiation my lovely wife ddrove me to all my appointments and when I dropped to 126 pounds she bathed me and fed me what I could eat. When thy said that the tumor had gotten small enough to operate on she was the one i leaned on.After we were told that the cancer was in remission she fell apart.

After a operation to repair 5 large bleeding ulcers she was never the same. Over night she lost all her hearing. Then her bones became brittle and I could not hug her any more. It affected her heart and liver and kidneys. Two weeks before her death she tryed to adjust her pillow and broke her sternum. Nothing could be donefor her. Aweek before she died she told two of her daughters who were here that that was it, she no longer wanted any medication exscept for pain pills, no food just water.

the three of us held her hands and talked to her even when she did not respond. then she died.

I guess that my question is how do you get over the guilt feeling because it was your illness that caused her death. Thanks for listening,

Glen
Wa.

The show affirmed my feeling that it is good for me to share this experience (in my case, the death of my dear mother) with people and include all the feelings that attend me. My father and brothers are quieter about this--but I feel the need to express it and honor her. I Loved the messages that were sent into the fire and the awareness and immediacy of those that were experiencing grief. I , too have been annoyed by all the advice --but feel that it has all come from love. If only death were less shocking to me---maybe I could have taken all the overwhelming outpourings of advice and good thooughts with more patience. Good listening and witnessing are the best support to the grieving--and it seems to the dying. I am so grateful that my dad was with my mom at the time of her death and that our friend came immediately to be with dad soon after (they were travelling and were in a hotel in Europe. These feel like blessings to me. Connection with people is a blessing.

Molly
CA

As for "attitude change", I've "been there done that" having gone thru the Chief Caregiver stage for my Special Parents in 1985-88. I continue to be SO glad to have been available for my parents' needs. I just wish my temper had been more controlled in a few instances where the bureaucracy violated my selfishness for wanting to Be There for my parents.

As for applying the advice of the show, I have even during the show formuated my OWN Advance Directive to give to my doctor for my chart, because I *won't* fill in the traditional form because of my inherent distrust for the bureaucracy anxiously drooling over my parts & getting prematurely cut-happy. Consequently, I want that spelled out and understood by my doctor(s), in my chart. I believe in miracles and the power of prayer. But, should I ever be in that condition, my choice is to be in my own home, with live-in caregiver(s), who can get free rent in exchange for caregiving, and my spare bedrooms are equipped for them having priviate phones. I don't want to be in a convalescent hospital, and want this understood by my docs in my chart.

I had done volunteer work for Hospice, and have had a hiatus from volunteering there -- but the show has made me want to re-instigate volunteering for Hospice.

Marcia
CA

This program really brings to mind of the delicate intimacy involved in our hospice work. I am a hospice social worker in San Diego, and I hope this program will facilitate much discussion not only on death, but on life and living. Thank you.

Butch
California

Hello. My name is Joyce and I have a liver disease that is not treatable. I've lived with this for 2 years and I think I've accepted the inevitable, but I'm not sure. I don't even know how much time I have.

I do know that time is much more precious now than it has ever been before.

I enjoyed the show tonight, although it brought sadness and tears. It was helpful to me. I haven't talked to anyone about my fears. Just hearing tonight's guests speak so honestly about their thoughts has helped me. They helped me identify some of my emotions--some I didn't even know were there.

Thank you.

Joyce
CA

Thanks to the discussion tonight, I now know that my feelings are not "wierd", but common to those with terminal illness.I will continue to be close to my daughters, whose well being is my main concern.

Shelley
Ca

i was particularly affected by the woman who was concerned about the length of her grief. my father passed over this year and i am very much in grief. it helped improve my perspective to see that grief time is a purely personal thing, that there is no correct formula to cover this, that there is nothing wrong with either me or her taking as long as we need to say goodbye.

Clyde
California

I do not think this or any program I have watched has been totally honest about the ending at death. My husband died 2 yrs. ago in my arms, while I had 911 on my shoulder. He died with a smile on his face, which has helped me to survive. BUT, no one has ever mentioned what happens to the body right after the person has left. I'm left asking 911 what is this horrible noise he's making, I'm starting to panic because now his eyes are rolling around & 911 cannot tell me what is happening. When I hear the people on this tv program saying "I want my family around while I am dying", I wonder if this family will know what truly happens and be ready for it. I think not. No one ever mentions this on any of these shows. After seeing how peaceful my husband was when he went to be with the Lord, I have no fear, because I know we are just apart to be reunited again someday. I just think people should be aware there is more to the dying process than just quietly leaving this human body.

Susan
CA

Watching these shows reminded me of our eternal HUMAN connection, and that the emotions of sadness, grief, pain,and loss are the flip sides of joy, happinesss,and elation. I am reminded once again that love and compassion are the only two components of life which are timeless and that it is the sharing of emotion that makes life so valuable. I felt honored to be allowed into these people's lives so intimately and I was glad to be reminded that respect and honoring another's being, past, present or future is what possibly defines life so meaningfully.

Nadine
California

After watching the program, it reaffirmed my feeling that dying is natural course of life, yet I still struggle with the sorrow when someone dies at a young age. My 36 year old wife died suddenly and recently while I was out of town on August 19, 2000. I am 38 and we were constant companions to each other for eight years. I feel very alone and very numb. I am struggling with trying to understand why she had to die. We felt we were one, but I am still here without my soul mate. The pain of having to go on without her is very intense, and the program put a great deal of fear in my heart because the greiving of the show's guests is very long and seemed to have no end in sight. After losing a loved one that made sense of your life, and made living a joy, it's understandable that the healing and grieving will be a very long process.

Robert
California

My husband, Bobbie died 8-12-1996 four years ago and it is still so very hard for me to deal with his death. Bobbie had been a Quad. for 39 years at his death and we were married 26 of those years. Bobbie died of a heart attack at the age of 58. For three days he was not able to talk to me, so I could understand him. He woke for a few minutes and I told him that I love you Bobbie, I love you Bobbie Dean. And with that in a voice as clear and strong as always he said I love you Mary-Ellen-he died an hour later of the heart attack. I am so very lost without my husband and best friend. We talked and shared so very very much of one another and now I am all alone. I feel as tho I am still lost and at times just cry out for him to come and help me as he always did. Even tho Bobbie had many many physical limitaions due to the fact that he was a Quad. he had many more abilities to helpme in so many ways. If you will listen to the song BECAUSED YOU LOVE ME you will know what Bobbie did for me in our 26

Your wife for now and always, death has not parted us, we are still as one. Still as one.

Mary-Ellen
California

I didn't really find any helpful advice from the show. What I got was comfort and arealization that I am dealing with a major turning point and trama in my life... the death of my mother. 3 weeks since her death and everyone ...including my brother and sister are just back to "business as usual". I can't seem to toughen up and "just move on" I am sad, vunerable, eassily shaken, and I feel lost. I miss her and need to grieve. But where? People whjo are in "grief mode" or not really welcome company for the average friend or work associate. I am just experiencing anger too. Irritation with people who can't seem to be respecful of my emotional state.

I am a 60-year-old woman, in reasonably good health, who is still in denial (emotionally) that one day she must die. Actually, it's more of a repression than denial. I have experienced moments, especially since my mother's death in 1998, where I feel I must prepare for this event, but never actually followed through on anything. This program has brought home to me how important it is to accept one's ultimate death in order to have peace in one's soul, because I believe only with acquiring this peace can one truly enjoy life.

After seeing this program, the first order of my agenda will be to prepare a living trust and power of attorney as well as a durable "naked" power of attorney to allow me to die in a manner of my choosing. However, how do I get my adult children to discuss this with me when they are obviously reluctant to do so? I have approached them twice, but they don't take me seriously. Could it be that having been a single parent most of their lives, they feel the up-coming responsibility a burden to them? Or perhaps it is difficult for them to think of my demise and having to sign documents will make it a reality? I know they love me and care for me.

I would appreciate sharing someone's experience of how they dealt with adult children who avoided the entire subject of death and preparation for death.

Janetta
California

How do I get my husband to talk to me about these issues? The hard part for me is this: I have experienced hospice support as a family member and as a volunteer. These discussions seem natural and required and part of a conscious dying journey. I can respect my husband's reluctance to talk about death and dying because he has confronted it more closely than I have. However, this ASSUMES that he will be the first one to die. What if I am the one who actually ends up facing death first? How do I let him know that it's important to me to be able to talk about these issues for my own dying process, even if he chooses something else for himself? And how do I convey to him what my experiences and concerns are for both of us, should he be the first one to walk down that final path? In posting this, in putting it into words, I realize how alone I feel in this dialogue with him. Fortunately, I have family members and friends with whom I can talk.

Karen
CA

I am terminal, in remission now, and enjoyed tonight's program, especially the woman who said she didn't have time for fluff. So true. I count myself lucky, in that I have been given notice before dying, and spend this time preparing my daughters as best I can.

Shelley
CA

It is a wonderful programme, and I am grateful to Bill for addressing this subject.

As a 71 year old hypnotherapist (yes, I'm still working 6 days a week!) I see so many clients with losses. I'm grateful too to Robert Monroe who taught us how to reunite, briefly, to those who have gone before: It was a joy to meet my dad who had left 30 years earlier...my dad's first tongue-in-cheek words were "You're here a bit soon, aren't you?"!

My religious, but very frightened mother, at 90, died recently, and I used the presence of the late cat to comfort her journey. My mom made the crossing with interest and wonder. I'll email my very short story "The Cat Died First" to anyone who is interested. Thanks for letting me share,

Di Cherry
B.C.

Nothing changed my attitude towards death, it only opened my eyes to realize I need some type of greif healing group to go to. So iam able to talk about the loss of my mother.

Patty
California

I feel great sympathy for the white haired man who led the discussion 10:30 to 11 pm Sunday night, September 10. He made a generalization about what America or Americans feel about death. He sounds angry. Us vs them. I hope that he is able to let go of this thought.It doesn't help him at all. This is an excellent program. I feel privileged to watch it.

Victor
California

Thanks to you and Bill Moyers for tackling this subject. I watched the first night of programming this evening, and was extremely moved. My Mother was just diagnosed with lung cancer 5 months ago. They are treating it like they can get it all, yet your program struck a chord. I am only 27, yet have been to many funerals due to the fact I am one of the youngest in my generation of the family. I didn't think I had a problem dealing with people dying having seen so many people in my life go. Also, my family is Irish, so we don't cover up the subject of death and just sweep it under a rug, so to speak. But this is the first time I have been primary caregiver, etc. to someone who is seriously/terminally ill. Since they are treating this illness with my mother like they can get it, I have not thought at any great length about if they can not get it. I am extremely close to my mother who is a long divorced single parent of an only child.

These programs made me think, yet also gave me a strange sense of peace. I can not fully describe it, but in an odd sense it made me feel better to hear the different stories of others.

Thank you so much for these programs! They have already made me feel a little more at ease in my own skin about this.

Amanda
Michigan

Thanks. I watched Mr. Moyer's "On Our Own Terms," and then, "With Eyes Wide Open." Both were powerful, affirmative and, for me, timely, programs. I could truly relate to the words and experiences of those on the panel of "With Eyes Wide Open." My partner of 24 years died of heart failure on Aug. 18. So I am still going through the grieving process.

I was his fulltime caregiver for six years. Unable to have another open-heart operation, he was discharged from the hospital on July 3, after a week-long stay, and various medical procedures. He was offered and chose to go onto hospice care.

The month or so that I cared for him was the most intense, agonizing, and tranformative period of my 56 years of living.

His greatest fear was dying a painful death. with medication I dispensed through hospice, his pain was minimal. He died peacefully in his sleep sometime during the night, so peacefully that, asleep upstairs, I didn't hear anything unusual on the Fisher Price receiver located on my nightble.

I peeked in on him early that following morning, and thinking he was simply sleeping, went down to my basement office and began my writing day. It wasn't until around noon, when, intending to wake him up and give him his meds, I went back upstairs, into his room, and, in trying to wake him, realized that he was gone. I lost it. And stayed that way for a couple of days

Like others on the programs confirmed, no matter how much you try to prepare, you're NEVER prepared for the death of someone you love. I wanted to be at his side when he died. There was so much I wanted to say.

I've cried more since my partner's death (even had a couople od sessions today) than I have during my entire life. Everyewhere I look I'm reminded of our long life together. The house is an empty shell. The loneliness is painful, palpable presence. As I continue to go through the process of grieving, friends have been supportive, while others have faded away. I do know that my life will never be the same again

Watching the diverse group of people on, "With Eyes Wide Open," I could empathize, completely, with their experiences, and felt uplifted as they shared, so eloquently, the grief that accompanies death and dying.

Louis
Washington

Since my dear Mother is dying of cancer at this moment, I am not sure how I feel. I just picked up some useful things from the program and it is helpful to know that the feelings that I have had are valid and not so "unusual". So far, the hospice program has been a good support. I am having a difficult time emotionally and I am not finding that lessening with time. It is so difficult to see your parent getting weaker and thinner and in extreme pain. I am hoping and praying for some peace for my Mom and the rest of my family. I will continue to watch the series.

Dianne
Montana

I have lost many friends to AIDS and found this program very helpful in dealing with my grief. I now see death not only as an ending but also as a begining. I also fell as though i will have dignity with my own death.

Andy
Indiana

My mother-in-law passed away from metastatic breast cancer on February 16,2000. Before the show, I thought a lot about how it felt for us to lose her, but did not understand as much how she felt losing ALL of us. When they talked about the "transformation" of how their relationship will not end, but continue in a different "transformation" and how the wife could understand but the dying husband had a harder time seeing how that would be on his end once he passed away. It made me realize how hard it really was for my mother-in-law to let go of us even though she had strong faith and new she was going to be with her Lord.

We also had a difficult decision at the end of her life. She never really talked about what she wanted at the end of her life, we just talked about "when she would get better..." So I don't think she was given the opportunity to think about what she really would want, or was afraid to, or couldn't. The oncologist she had at the end was a very aggressive doctor, which that was what Mom wanted, aggressive treatment. But it came to a point when she could not respond to us anymore, a lot was failing and she could not breathe on her own anymore and a point came where my father-in-law had to decide what was best. The physicians and family were coming to terms that she was dying and we all went in to say our goodbyes. Then, the oncologist came to the family and felt "more could be done" if we put her on a vent to give us some time to give her more chemotherapy, which conflicted with what the nurses and other physicians felt. SO, at that point, the family was torn. Before this, we were all coming to terms that this

Mom did spend her last days in the hospital. I don't see how she could have been at home. She was in so much pain and could barely move, but she did die with her whole family there with her. She knew we were all there but I sometimes wonder if it was harder for her to go, because we were all right there and she wasn't ready to leave. She did not want to die yet. We were able to say our goodbyes to her but she never really was able to say goodbye to us. That was hard for us.

I don't believe my mother-in-law every came to terms with dying. She, I believe, either did not believe she was going to die or just could not admit it to herself or us and did not face it until it was too late and she could not respond to us.

What I have learned from our experience and the show is that I will plan and I will do my best to let my husband know what I would like to happen and would like to consider and ponder on what extent I would want treatment and would like to see it more possible for more people to die the way they would like, at home, with their families, in their "comfort zone". I would hope to be able to instead of denying the fact that I might die, to come to terms with it that it might happen, but do what I can to beat it.

Kathy
WI

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